Aa
bad temper/stress
hi. i haven't ever posted on this forum, i am a regular on the maternal/child health forum. i am 23 years old and my husband is 24. we have an 8 month old son and this weekend is our 1 year anniversary. my husband and i both work full time. we are hard workers and do what we have to in order to provide ourselfs and our son with the life we have. we are able to meet all our needs plus have one nite a week to go out alone since my mom lives very close. for the most part, we are very happy. we love eachother very much. our one big problem is stress. although we get one night a week to ourselves, we are both very stressed out. his job is stressful and he works long hours, while my job is not so stressful, i still work full time and taking care of the baby and the house on top of that is stressful for me. the weekdays are so repetative it is agonizing. get up, drop off the baby, go to work, pick up the baby, come home, clean up, make dinner, bathtime, bedtime, laundry, chores, etc., bed. every single day. my husband is sometimes home when we get home, but most times, hes not home until the baby is sleeping, so i am alone from the time i get home until then, doing all of the above by myself. i know he can't help it, because he works to better our lifes and im not complaining. trust me, my husband has his flaws, as do all men, but the problem, im afraid, lies within me. i feel incapable of doing everything required of me. eventhough i do it all, everyday, i am a loose cannon. i have a bad temper. not all the time, but, for example, i have had a handful of outbursts since the baby was born. although ive been this way my whole life, its definately worse since the baby came. whenever my husband and i have a serious argument, i feel the anger welling up inside me and i cant control it. i throw things at him, break things, scream at the top of my lungs. the baby is never a witness to this and i haven't ever hurt anyone. except one time when we were in the car and i was in the backseat, the baby sleeping in his carseat and my husband driving, he said something so out of line, i lost it and began punching his seat from behind. i accidently hit him in the back a couple times. he was actually scared. you could see it in his eyes. when i look back on it now, i feel awful. but seriously - why cant it control myself. when i am alone, for example, trying to get me and the baby out the door in the morning and i get frustrated because he is fussy or i am late or i cant find something, i freak out. i mean i will just scream at no one and cry hysterically. for no reason at all but for the fact that i simply cant take it. i will take whatever is in my hand and throw it at the wall. i dont know why. i am a nice person. i love my husband and my son. i am good mom - as far as i know. why cant i control myself? i am afraid my outbursts are going to cause my husband to leave me one day. he told me for the first time last nite what a huge problem it is for him and now im scared. he is the only one who has ever seen me truly freak out like this. every other time, im alone. last nite we were arguing and the baby was sleeping. we were sitting on the porch and he got up to walk inside when i was mid sentence. i freaked. i had a bottle in my hand and slammed it down on the table repeatedly. the drink went everywhere, all over me and the table and the bottle eventually broke. then i fell to my knees crying. i feel so stupid when i act this way. like im 2 years old or something. i know its a problem. how can i change this and assure my husband i will change? i know it will come to the point where he will be afraid that i will hurt myself or him or the baby and that devastates me. please help.
TRUST ME! NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO WORK!!!! I cannot stand it. I am a single mom now, and I work two jobs and I never want to go to either of them. BUT unfortunately it is a fact of life! (Unless you and your partner come to an agreement on that)....
Even tho I hate work so much, I love making money. And I love earning what I have. I see too many kids these days who have the world handed to them. And then I see how that effects them by the time they are thirty! (i.e. my almost 30 year old brother still lives at home with mom with no job, no schooling, no driver's license and they still keep handing him everything he wants).....
The best thing I found to give myself sanity when my baby was little was a SCHEDULE. I had him on such a schedule that I could tell you exactly what time of day he was going to poop! (Which was fun for me when he would be at a babysitter and I would call 10 minutes ahead of time to tell them! And to check on him!)
Scheduling can work wonders with children. They seem to thrive off of it.
Even tho I hate work so much, I love making money. And I love earning what I have. I see too many kids these days who have the world handed to them. And then I see how that effects them by the time they are thirty! (i.e. my almost 30 year old brother still lives at home with mom with no job, no schooling, no driver's license and they still keep handing him everything he wants).....
The best thing I found to give myself sanity when my baby was little was a SCHEDULE. I had him on such a schedule that I could tell you exactly what time of day he was going to poop! (Which was fun for me when he would be at a babysitter and I would call 10 minutes ahead of time to tell them! And to check on him!)
Scheduling can work wonders with children. They seem to thrive off of it.
Don`t you feel bad at all! You are doing your best under the circumstances that you just described. Also, a lot of things fall into place and get a bit easier in routine when your baby gets older. Thus you will find less and less cause to come flying off the handle.
thank you all so much for your responses. i waited the long weekend to check them and was really thankful so many of you cared enough to write. unfortunately, i do not have the option of not working or even working less hours as right now the bills are out of control. we do not have a lot of extras and are trying to cut back on expenses, but until we get out of debt, i must continue to work. daycare is extremely expensive and my hopes were that we wouldn't be able to afford it and i would have to quit. but its not more than 1/2 of what i make, so i have to do it. i really want to make a change. in writing this post, it was almost my wake up call. i want to be a better person and i will make a concious effort to count to 10 and back again before throwing something or screaming as loud as i can. what scares me the most is when my baby grows up. if he is continually subjected to my poor behavior, he will most likely eminate it himself. and if i continue on my path of destruction, my husband will leave me and that will break me completely. i have contacted my insurance company and got the names of counselors/therapists to talk to. i dont know who to call as no one i know even sees a therapist and cant reccommend someone, but i suppose i will just go down the list and meet with one by one. i am not a bad person. i have huge heart and love my family very much, this is just a dark side of me that i wish i didnt have. you are right though in that some things can wait. everything doesnt have to be perfect all the time. but things in my house are already far from perfect and it just seems as though the place would fall apart without my routine daily upkeep. over the long weekend though, my husband and i took the time out to do nothing but enjoy our little one. we didnt rush around like crazy people and i dont think i did a thing sunday or monday. we hung out at home all day monday except for going out to lunch. the baby had two long naps during the day and i really felt my sanity returning. unfourtunately, that all went away this morning when i came back to work. now i feel like crying again. well, thank you all for listening. i hope i can work past this as i certainly don't like being this person anymore.
Right on!!! I try to ask myself- will this matter in 10 years? If not, let it go! In 10 years, no one will care if your house was clean or if your kids wore a shirt with a stain on it... have fun when you can, the little ones get big fast!
I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly where you are coming from. I, too, experienced something similar to this (right after my son was born). You feel lost, overwhelmed, and never feel like you have enough time in the day to get anything done. And then when you DO catch up, you don't know what to do with yourself because you forgot what FREE TIME feels like.....did I hit it on the head?
I am going to give you the best advice that I ever recieved.....
THe dishes are not going anywhere, forget about them tonight.
If you have clean clothes for you and your family to wear, then forget about the laundry because it isn't going anywhere either.
Dinner, easy.....DOMINOS....You DO NOT have to cook every night!
Sometimes you just need to prioritize what is more important. 1: Having some time to wind down after working. or 2: Getting the chores done.
Well time goes by quickly, and dishes and laundry does not go anywhere!
I used to strive for perfection! Clean house, clean baby, cooked dinner, washed clothes and tried to get it all done in a few hours. I found myself more stressed and irritated at the world then I should have been.
Now, I am calm. I can argue in a discussion and not with screams, or fuming.
And yeah, sometimes the house is a wreck. And sometimes my kid is a mess (he is four now and it seems like you just can't keep them clean!!! :oD).....and sometimes I call cooking dinner "taking it out of the pizza box!".....but I am HAPPIER!
Life is TOO SHORT.....TIME is TOO PRECIOUS!!! Take some time to relax, you will feel much better!
I am going to give you the best advice that I ever recieved.....
THe dishes are not going anywhere, forget about them tonight.
If you have clean clothes for you and your family to wear, then forget about the laundry because it isn't going anywhere either.
Dinner, easy.....DOMINOS....You DO NOT have to cook every night!
Sometimes you just need to prioritize what is more important. 1: Having some time to wind down after working. or 2: Getting the chores done.
Well time goes by quickly, and dishes and laundry does not go anywhere!
I used to strive for perfection! Clean house, clean baby, cooked dinner, washed clothes and tried to get it all done in a few hours. I found myself more stressed and irritated at the world then I should have been.
Now, I am calm. I can argue in a discussion and not with screams, or fuming.
And yeah, sometimes the house is a wreck. And sometimes my kid is a mess (he is four now and it seems like you just can't keep them clean!!! :oD).....and sometimes I call cooking dinner "taking it out of the pizza box!".....but I am HAPPIER!
Life is TOO SHORT.....TIME is TOO PRECIOUS!!! Take some time to relax, you will feel much better!
If you can not reduce your work hours, skip some of the household chores and leave them for later. Of course later never comes with a baby...but it is a first step if both parents agree on going easy on the chores for a while and share some responsibilties. This time is much better spent playing with your child. With a single income I had no choice but to put my son in daycare after his first year, even though I do believe that full-time daycare before age 3 or ideally 5 is way too much. Each day after work we would first play outdoors for at least 3 hours and then spend another 2 playful hours for dinner and bedtime rituals or weave dinner into an outdoor picnic. Similar in the morning but shorter timing. Also the choice of daycare has to be excellent. So much for this part.
As for outbursts of anger, you sure will blow a fuse if sleep deprived and if your share of responsibilities is just too large. There is no need for medication, just for elimination of the cause...
I too tend to become physical and throw things but since my son`s birth I really forced myself to count to ten and not to explode in his presence. Since he is always around me, that only second is when he is strapped in the car seat and I am not inside yet. Strangers in parking lots tend to see the real me...
Do you depend on your extra income? Or is part-time work an option at all? Maybe you have to do some adjustment there to ease the stress level. I always feel sorry that U.S. moms have to go back to work so soon if they really have to. I can absolutely not imagine having had to let my son go into any other care before age 1. At least that`s a great regulation in Canada. They are so focused on mommy or whoever the prime caregiver is that any disruption of this attachment seems unfair. But you may not have a choice.
As for outbursts of anger, you sure will blow a fuse if sleep deprived and if your share of responsibilities is just too large. There is no need for medication, just for elimination of the cause...
I too tend to become physical and throw things but since my son`s birth I really forced myself to count to ten and not to explode in his presence. Since he is always around me, that only second is when he is strapped in the car seat and I am not inside yet. Strangers in parking lots tend to see the real me...
Do you depend on your extra income? Or is part-time work an option at all? Maybe you have to do some adjustment there to ease the stress level. I always feel sorry that U.S. moms have to go back to work so soon if they really have to. I can absolutely not imagine having had to let my son go into any other care before age 1. At least that`s a great regulation in Canada. They are so focused on mommy or whoever the prime caregiver is that any disruption of this attachment seems unfair. But you may not have a choice.
I know how you feel. My temper has always been horrible and has gotten me into trouble many times. Now with age (and medication) I've mellowed quite a bit, and am really very nice to my kids. But still, if my hubby pushes me too far, or somebody cuts me off on the road... watch out!
You're not a monster for feeling and acting like this- you're just stressed and maybe have some underlying anger or hormone stuff to deak with. I'd go talk to someone- I did and it helped. Not a miracle as in no more anger, but it does help. My counselor said to me,"Your anger will destroy you if you let it." She was right- it makes us do things we regret and hurts out loved ones. When my kids were little, I was a yeller. Somebody spilled their juice or hit their sibling and the whole neighborhood could hear me screaming. Thank God I never hurt them, although they got some good smacks on the bottom. What kept me from taking on my anger on their dad was that he had an even worse temper- and was a lot bigger than me! So not only did my kids and I have to deal with my somewhat volatile nature, we had to shelter ourselves from dad's REALLY bad outburts. Who knows, maybe my role as protector of my kids kept me from being meaner than I was. But boy, I can remember with my son- who barely slept for a year- I was beyond exhausted and he was crying in his crib, hopping up and down with the red face and arms outstretched- and I just wanted to bounce that kid off the wall. I laugh about it now, even to him, but it's not funny when it's happening.
Find someone to talk to, a good counselor. Maybe you need medication- maybe not. Who knows, but don't let fear of being judged by your hubby stop you. I lived too long right on the edge with my anger- don't you do it too. You haven't done anything that you can't make better, so this is a perfect time to get some help. And if you cam, working less would be great. But I know, we all do what we gotta do. I did a paper route by car when my kids were little- the money was good and I never had to leave them.
Best if luck to you- you can work this out.
-Dee
You're not a monster for feeling and acting like this- you're just stressed and maybe have some underlying anger or hormone stuff to deak with. I'd go talk to someone- I did and it helped. Not a miracle as in no more anger, but it does help. My counselor said to me,"Your anger will destroy you if you let it." She was right- it makes us do things we regret and hurts out loved ones. When my kids were little, I was a yeller. Somebody spilled their juice or hit their sibling and the whole neighborhood could hear me screaming. Thank God I never hurt them, although they got some good smacks on the bottom. What kept me from taking on my anger on their dad was that he had an even worse temper- and was a lot bigger than me! So not only did my kids and I have to deal with my somewhat volatile nature, we had to shelter ourselves from dad's REALLY bad outburts. Who knows, maybe my role as protector of my kids kept me from being meaner than I was. But boy, I can remember with my son- who barely slept for a year- I was beyond exhausted and he was crying in his crib, hopping up and down with the red face and arms outstretched- and I just wanted to bounce that kid off the wall. I laugh about it now, even to him, but it's not funny when it's happening.
Find someone to talk to, a good counselor. Maybe you need medication- maybe not. Who knows, but don't let fear of being judged by your hubby stop you. I lived too long right on the edge with my anger- don't you do it too. You haven't done anything that you can't make better, so this is a perfect time to get some help. And if you cam, working less would be great. But I know, we all do what we gotta do. I did a paper route by car when my kids were little- the money was good and I never had to leave them.
Best if luck to you- you can work this out.
-Dee
I think you're both right about the abandoning thing. AJH, it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job.. As a child, i was taken to a babysitter day after day. I knew the babysitter loved her kids and resented me a little. I knew she was giving her kids treats in the kitchen while she made me and my baby brother stay in the front room. I resented my mom for leaving me. Its NOT normal to leave your child in the care of someone else day after day. That's why we should make our nest (get married to a guy who feels the same way we do), BEFORE we have kids. But life these days has gotten so screwy that girls are thinking they can do it ALL on their own. . My mom was way too tired to do anything with us in the evenings or weekends so we really did feel abandoned. Life got much much better at our house when my dad finally made enough money that my mom could stay home with us--that wasn't until I was in jr. high. GirlieGirl, I can remember feeling those same feelings when my kids were little. I found that what I needed was friends to talk to and found out that we all have frustrations. I think you are frustrated with your life--the tediousness of a job, missing your child's cuteness during the day, and having to get so much done every day that you can't enjoy his cuteness in the evening either. Something needs to give--maybe go part time, or give up the "better life" and go for a BETTER life, being at home wtih him, not having many "extras", but having more extras than you ever knew there would be by seeing your son grow and haivng time to hold him any time of the day that you want to, watch him sleep, tidy the house while he's napping, etc. He'll come to want your attention all day, so it still gets frustrating, but not nearly as much as what you're going through now. Espcially if you make some other mommy friends in the neighborhood where you meet at the park once a week with your kids or something. You're normal, you are just extremely frustrated and probably do have a little hormone thing going or something---how's your nutrition? Best of everything to you.
And some women choose it because they are forced to put their child in daycare.
I'm a single parent, and I'm just trying to make ends meet each week. But I'm providing a home, food, shelter, clothing, transportation, health care, utilities, education, and entertainment for myself and my son--completely on my own. I don't expect others to help me do this, with the exception of his father paying child support. He is my child, and I'm responsible for everything he needs.
In order to do this, I have to put him in daycare so I can work a career to pay for all this, but I am in no way "abandoning" him to the daycare. Neither are many, many other women out there who are in similar situations. Maybe Girlygirl1723 is too (except not single); sometimes it takes two incomes to meet these responsibilities.
And daycare isn't a bad thing. My son goes to a preschool daycare and has learned so much in the year that he's been there that I know it's worth the arm and leg I pay to send him there, and to be only five minutes away from where I work (so I'm not "abandoning" him with a distance greater than five minutes). And when I get him home, we make dinner together, I read books to him, and we do special activities together. Our weekends are never spent apart (except for the few hours he has to spend with his dad every other weekend).
If I could be a stay-at-home mom, I would be in a heartbeat. But circumstances won't allow me to be that right now. To do so currently would be the most irresponsible move I could ever make, and that, IMO, would be the real "abandonment"--abandonment of responsibilities.
Each situation is different. I almost always respect your input and advice, RR, but this was a little over the line for me. Please don't group *all* women who send their children to daycare into a category of "abandoning" them and living a kind of life that makes no sense.
I'm a single parent, and I'm just trying to make ends meet each week. But I'm providing a home, food, shelter, clothing, transportation, health care, utilities, education, and entertainment for myself and my son--completely on my own. I don't expect others to help me do this, with the exception of his father paying child support. He is my child, and I'm responsible for everything he needs.
In order to do this, I have to put him in daycare so I can work a career to pay for all this, but I am in no way "abandoning" him to the daycare. Neither are many, many other women out there who are in similar situations. Maybe Girlygirl1723 is too (except not single); sometimes it takes two incomes to meet these responsibilities.
And daycare isn't a bad thing. My son goes to a preschool daycare and has learned so much in the year that he's been there that I know it's worth the arm and leg I pay to send him there, and to be only five minutes away from where I work (so I'm not "abandoning" him with a distance greater than five minutes). And when I get him home, we make dinner together, I read books to him, and we do special activities together. Our weekends are never spent apart (except for the few hours he has to spend with his dad every other weekend).
If I could be a stay-at-home mom, I would be in a heartbeat. But circumstances won't allow me to be that right now. To do so currently would be the most irresponsible move I could ever make, and that, IMO, would be the real "abandonment"--abandonment of responsibilities.
Each situation is different. I almost always respect your input and advice, RR, but this was a little over the line for me. Please don't group *all* women who send their children to daycare into a category of "abandoning" them and living a kind of life that makes no sense.
girliegrl - women are not meant to do what you are doing. They aren't meant to drop their babies off with strangers, and then go work all day long and then pick up their babies and come home and take care of the house and cooking and cleaning. That's not what we're made of, and your brain keeps telling you over and over and over it's too much. LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN. IT'S TOO MUCH.
Find a way to quit your job, at least while your baby is a baby, and stay home. You're doing too much, and God help you, you might hurt your husband if this isn't resolved. Don't say you "accidentally" hit him in the back, you did it on purpose, several times.
This nutty schedule is not how humans are supposed to live. Some women choose it because they want to be around adults instead of their children, so they abandon them to daycare, but I don't sense you are like that at all.
Best wishes.
Find a way to quit your job, at least while your baby is a baby, and stay home. You're doing too much, and God help you, you might hurt your husband if this isn't resolved. Don't say you "accidentally" hit him in the back, you did it on purpose, several times.
This nutty schedule is not how humans are supposed to live. Some women choose it because they want to be around adults instead of their children, so they abandon them to daycare, but I don't sense you are like that at all.
Best wishes.
A therapist could prob help u..u may just need to talk to some body...as for ur dh why would he resent u?U would be trying to get help to help ur self and ur familey..I would hope he would understand and respect u, it is hard to reach out and try to get help..to do so makes u a strong women...i for one resepct u for goning this far...Just rember everyone has got problems and most of the time we need help solveing them...
Good Luck!!!! let me know how it goes.....Valerie
Good Luck!!!! let me know how it goes.....Valerie
do you think if i saw a counselor or therapist, they would be able to help me without medication? do you think if i went to one, my husband would resent me and think im a mental case? i dont want to seem weak or incapable, i just want to be happy.
I agree with jd1419, as mothers there are times we fill overwelmed and stressed ,even though we are married all or most of the caregiveing and household chors are left up to us...but its not helthey for u or ur familey to fill this kind of anger...
Good Luck!!!! Valerie
Good Luck!!!! Valerie
I think you may need to see someone to talk out your issues and to see if they can test your hormone levels. It sounds like this could be an anger management problem or depression of sorts. Please for your peace of mind make an appointment with a counselor or if you can't get in right away see if you can talk withyour priest or clergy for some help. Sometimes that is all it takes is another person outside the situation to help you see things clearly and maybe help you find a solution to your anger.
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