betrayal

can anyone help me i have been with my husband for 20 years found out before just before new year he had been having an affair says he slept with her only 4 times started back last feb 12,out of anger i told him to leave he stayed in a hotel for a week then at hers for 2 weeks asked to come home to give it another try as we have 2 teenagers aswell' i was happy as the emotions i was going through was hell i had lost 2 stone in 3 weeks not sleeping and crying all the time,once home the 1 st week was loving sorry missed me swore on kids life he would never do it again or leave us or put us throught it again then the 2nd week my husband found out his mum has cancer again which she has just fininshed radio on her last cancer which she was diagoinsed this time last year for the 1st cancer, now my husband has becaom withdrawn form me is being hurtful with his remarks says he has no respect for me for taking him back after what he had done does'nt care about anyones feeling our son is 14 and very sensisitve i can see it in him how worried he is about everyone..we have had it hard last 3 years my husband was diagonised with depression as tried to take his life then my father in law died 2 years ago then last year mother in law diaognised with cancer and money problems and now mother in law again plus the affair please someone give me some advice on how to deal with this husband has never been one to open up want to know if anyone is going through something similar as in his behaviour towards me i know they say the closest always get hurt but i don't know if he is taking it out on me as everything is crashing down..the affair the guilt the kids his mum he seems to be blaming me please someone help me...x

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh, I'm really very sorry to hear all of this.  Very hard and I'm surey you are lost in trying to figure out this mess.

Yes, your husband does sound depressed.  I don't think it is coincidence that the affair began last year around the time his mother was diagnosed with cancer or after his father died.  Your husband seems to have a very self destructive way of handling his emotions and hurts anyone around him in the process.

He is indeed taking out on you the pain of his mother.  Is he taking medication for the depression?  he should be.  He also needs to be in therapy alone as well as the two of you need couple's therapy.  Is this happening?  I would make that a priority.  

If you want to work on this marriage----  you may need to tell him that you can not be his punching bag.  Period.  That the day and age of you taking 'whatever' he has to dish out are over.  And if he is not willing to do that, he must go ahead and leave you.  The hope would be that he'd go to his own place (move in with a male friend, get a cheap apartment nearby on his own, etc.) but reality is that he'll just go back to her as he sounds very weak (just being honest).  

But really, if he is giong to come back after cheating on YOU---  then he needs to treat you well and  make recovery of the relationship a priority.  Treating his depression is essential in the process.  Yes, his mother's illness is going to impact his ability to handle things but it is not a ticket to mistreat you.  

My own mother in law passed from cancer and it was a dark time for my husband.  He had a very hard time dealing with hit and wasn't himself for a good while.  So I do understand how that can overshadow things.

but your kids don't want to live around the tension he is making after YOU graciously accepted him back home.  good luck

[miles1974]

hi thanks for your reply my husband was taking medication untill 5 weeks ago when the affair came to light..says he doe'snt need medication says he is fine don't care about anything just saying to me he has no respect for me and that he is unhappy and this has been since the day he found out about his mum just over a week ago when i talk to his brothers as far as they are concerned he is acting fine and says he is happy at home i remeber when his dad was passing he was horrible to me then but because of his affair now i just don't know he asked to come home he could have stayed away just not understanding his behaviour blaming me my son looks so unhappy with everything that going on its like he punishing me for the way he feels....x

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm so sorry.
These are very tall mountains You've had to climb.

I hope SpecialMom's words give You some comfort and I totally agree  with all that She said to You.

I would like to add You should  address the depression YOU are bound to be feeling, also - medication AND therapy.   When we remain stressed and/or depressed for a long while Our brain chemistry actually changes - changes that We cannot repair without intervention (medication and/or therapy).  This I know is true.

My Heart Is Heavy For You

[miles1974]

thank you tinkerbell i know its the depression as i have spoken to his doctor i love my husband more then life just don't know how to get through get him out of the place he is in...and how long its gonna take so draining xx

[TTinKKerBBell]

Absolutely this is draining on You!! I hope You understood that I was suggesting You seek help for Your OWN personal depression whether He does or not.  You might consider it for Your Son also, as He is being affected by all that's going on around Him.
Good Luck To You

[Nighthawk61]

I think that TTinK has a really good point here, as a mother your first priority must be to help your son get through this without residual problems in HIS life, women and children first right? Plus, you need to make sure that you're not enabling your husband in these behaviors that are unhealthy. You have to have healthy expectations. So, look after yourself and your son, and you will be mirroring the behaviour you wish to see in your husband.

I am currently typing out part of an old book called Life's Evening , from the 1800's and including it in my journal pages. We all grieve when losing our loved ones, and it sounds like your husband is suffering spiritually and is not grounded in his acceptance that we are all going to heaven, and his loved ones are in a better place? You may be able to help him with this by providing some material for him to read. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to message me. Liz

[TTinKKerBBell]

How are You??  It's been a few days since You posted here and I, among others, wonder How You are Doing?

[miles1974]

hi tinkerbell i am coping have managed to talk to my husbands doctor who has arrangered a routine review appointment for my husband he thinks its just a check up i have informed doctor of the way he has been and whats been happining with his mood swings aswell as booked holidays at work to only stay in bedroom all day  not eating properly and sleeping alot this is not including the way he is being with me and speaking to me doctor strongly believes this is his depression on top of his guilt and his mum and the fact he has no money  and not talking to any family members, i have been told by a number of peeps that he is attention seeking from me even if that means being nasty to me and i am still making sure he is ok been told not to bite as they think he thinks thats what he wants me to turn nasty so he can feel a little better its so hard trying to hold out untill he has seen doctor next week he will access him when he sees him to to see if he in denial about everything just keeps telling me he is fine and don't care about anything doctor informed me that with his depression to try and ignore his hostility towards me as thats what happens they try and hurt the closet to them as if he has not already its so hard will keep trying but i have told my husband if nothing improves i can see us partying by end of march hoprfully he will think on as his family have said he will never ever find someone as good to him as me so hopefully fingers crossed xx