bf doesn't like my cat

My ex and i recently got together for a weekend retreat to see if there was some type of future together.  we have so much chemistry between us, i cannot explain it.  something i have never felt before.  he is a little bit cheap with his money, which bothers me...but i hope that would change.  at least be 50/50 if we were committed to each other.  but the main problem is that he despises my relationship with my cat.  i am single and live alone.  he has a roommate and would move in with me or get his own place at first.  he does't hurt my cat, just growls and him and the cat runs and hides under my bed or in the closet until he leaves.  i don't expect him to love my cat, but i don't want him to torment him either.  the cat sleeps in my bed, so when the bf is here, he sleeps in my spare room.  he claims he is allergic, but i don't think he is...he has never acting allergic physically.  he doesn't sneeze or anything like that.  i think maybe he is jealous of my cat.  i love him and have had him for 7 years now.  he has moved with me 3 times and has always comforted me just knowing he is there to come home to.  i am not some crazy cat person, and i think i could love this guy, but i don't know if i should even get involved with  someone that hates my pet so much.  he says i would have to choose between him or the cat.  i am not sure if he means get him out of the room or out of my life...which i could never do.  

am i barking up the wrong tree with this guy?  all over passion?  i love my cat like i said, he is the most important right now.  i think if a man loves me, he will love my cat, or at least not hate him.  i really do not believe he is allergic, just wants control?

[heana]

[bip]

That is wrong he shouldn't do that to you.You love your cat....Tell him if he doesn't like your cat it's too bad .  What is he doing trying to have you chose either the cat or him? That is up to you what you want to do.   Animals are like your children you had her for years and Im sure you don't want to give her up. Maybe you guys can work it out.   Please don't get rid of your cat cause of a guy  you love your cat had for a years.... Good luck

[heana]

thank you....i would never ever get rid of my cat.  he told me i need to control him when i brought it up last night.  i guess what he is saying is the cat should not be allowed to sleep in the bedroom?  it's a habit i have formed the past 6 years. my friends all have pets and they sleep in their bedrooms with them.  i don't really see the harm in it, unless he is allergic...and don't see any signs of that.

thanks again.  i don't see a future with a meanie like him!  

[bip]

Oh, I have a 4 month old rat terrior her name is cookie and she sleeps in my bedroon.Nothing is wrong with that......Like I said they are like our children.You do what you want you been doing it for years.Tell him it's your cat you been doing it for years and your not changing it.

[koukla29]

I would never allow someone to make me get rid of my cat.  I've had mine for 9 years - she's been with me a long time and through many experiences and heartache.  I really feel like she is a therapist all on her own!  I think he is selfish for even thinking you should get rid of your beloved pet.  The only compromise I would consider is if he doesn't want the cat to sleep in the bed, let the cat sleep elsewhere.  In addition, if your cat hates him, in my experience that is usually not a good sign.  

[heana]

thank you...i just wanted to know if i was out of line or something.  i love my cat just like a child.  i am ending it with the guy. AMEN!

[green eyed lady]

I am sorry to say but I think that if you stay with this guy the cat would be the least of your problems. He sounds incredibly controlling to me, and the fact that he torments the poor thing sounds kind of sick to me. I really think this goes way beyond the cat...please think about what your future would be like with a man who is just your BF and he already is telling you to choose between him and your pet! No compromises for this guy!! I also want to say please don't go into a relationship thinking that once your committed he will *change*. Very rarely does anyone change unless they really want to. And from what you write it dosen't seem to me that he would. You can do much better. Good luck to you and your cat!

[AHP84]

My ex pretty much hated, and hates, nearly all of my pets. Like your bf, he gave me ultimatums to choose btw. him and my pets, some of which I've had for longer than I'd known this guy. Oh, and most of my pets (which include dogs, birds, fish, and I used to have cats horses and my mother has sheep), mainly the dogs, are TERRIFIED of this guy for no apparent reason (which makes me suspect that he would do things to hurt and scare them behind my back, and then he'd play innocent and wonder why the animals would be so scared of him).
About four yrs. ago, he literally tried to kill one of my dogs, a small westie that was 13 yrs old and very sick. He refused to leave her alone and stressed her out more and more. One day he went to pick her up, and she was in pain from being sick and she was terrified of him, and she bit his fingertip. That sent him into a rage and he tried to kill her; he chased her under a bed and was trying to reach her to drag her out to break her neck, all the while with me screaming at him to stop and trying to physically hold him back. Fortunately, he gave up and didn't get her, but she died a couple months later from the sickness.
To this day he cannot understand why I defended my dog that, heaven forbid, bit his finger. "Who cares that she was scared and in pain" is what he says, because she bit him and she was just a stupid insignificant animal that needed to be put out of its misery anyway and her life served no purpose. This was a dog that had been in my life for 13 yrs and was precious to me, but he didn't care.
Anyway, I've had three westies (two deceased now), a cat, and two birds that have been freaked out by this guy.  I'm glad I finally got rid of his a** and don't know why I didn't do it sooner.
I'll just put it this way...I should've paid more attention to what my animals were trying to tell me about this guy. If I trusted their intuition and reactions more, I wouldn't be dealing with all the cr*p I'm going through with him now and dragging in a toddler we have together (which makes me feel horrible that I ended up with a jerk like him to father my precious child).

[jenstam]

I have had my cat for 13 years. My partner did not seem to like him at first but has now warmed up to him, although there was a lot of teasing and remarks in the beginning. He would stomp his feet, snap his fingers and tease him. I was tolerant in the beginning but eventually put my foot down and told him I WILL NOT allow any disrespect towards my cat. He has been with me through many ups and downs in my life and has loved me unconditionally. He is comforting to me and I love him with all of my heart. The cat still doesn't really care for Ben, but they have learned to tolerate each other and Ben respects my feelings towards my cat. I guess if I was forced to choose, my cat would have been my first choice! If this guy loves you, he will love or at least learn to tolerate your cat. Make it clear that under no circumstance will you allow any bad treatment or teasing. A good man will treat your animals that you love with respect.

[heana]

are really cruel aren't they?  thank everyone for sharing your experiences.  i really do believe animals have an incredible sense to judge people.  they seem to know what is going on, don't they.  i am so sorry about your dog dying...actually i am crying for him...and you.  that is so sad.  i hate people who scare/harm animals and children.  my cat is relaxed and only gets scared if people are not nice to him.  he'd go up to the cable guy for some attention before the guy i was hoping would be good for me.  i'd prob come home one day and the cat would be dead from poison.  i will never understand the control some people need to have over others.  tormenting pets is SICK.  not funny at all, poor things can't talk back either, no wonder why they bite.  i told this guy, love me, love my cat.  and he thinks i am a nut.  he said any man that likes or pretends to like a cat is crazy too.  i don't believe that.  there are nice guys out there that like animals and i don't think they should be called crazy by jerks like this guy.  what an eye opener.

[mayflowers]

I thought I would jump in here too.  Animals can sense things about a person, so watch your pet carefully.  Anyone that would harm an animal on purpose is sick.  They are doing it because they CAN and for no other reason, which is quite awful.  I think that serial killers often start out by harming animals (I heard that Jeffrey Dahmer did that.)  I'm not trying to scare you but just make you think before you keep going forward with this guy.

I've also noticed that nobody touched on the cheap issue.  You don't want a cheap boyfriend.  Believe me, they are no fun to be around.   Think about this one hard...

[heana]

i am glad Ben gave up on the teasing...guess he got tired of it or bored !  i agree, cat first!!

[heana]

at least you were blessed with a beautiful child.  i am so sorry you have to deal with that meanie.  he is not nice...maybe it stems from his upbringing and he should seek help. there are no excuses for his behavior.  i hope he is kind to your child....the guy i am talking about hates cats, but loves kids.  i don't get why they can't do both?  if you ever need to talk, i can give you my email address.  seems like you've been thru some rough times.  i am glad some of your pets survived!!  being scared is not good for any pet.  i think it is very rude what he did.  i am glad your dog bit him, but not glad what you and your dog had to go thru before during and after all that nonsense.  

[heana]

thanks for the cheap reminder..that is important!!  funny you should say that about Dahmer, cuz used that as a reference the other day to the cathater himself.  he didn't laugh.  but i do believe it's true.  i am def not inviting him here to be with me.  hope he finds someone else who doesn't have a cat and is rich.  

[AHP84]

Yes, there's certainly no regrets about my son that I got from this guy. He's the sweetest little boy in the whole world and *loves* animals! Fortunately for me, my son has inherited many of my personality traits as far as being affectionate and outgoing and empathetic. He's 2 1/2 yrs old.
Anyway, the two westies I had that died were very old and had wonderful lives (until the end for the one westie). The one I was talking about died at 13 from the chronic sickness she was in, but the stress she faced from my ex made her last months miserable. The other one, which was scared of him until she went senile at 14 1/2 yrs old, lived to be 16 yrs old.
The westie I have left is 13 1/2 yrs old and the son of the one that died from the sickness. We've had him from the day he was born. So the pets in my family are all very close to our hearts, as you can probably tell.
My birds were also wary of this guy, as was one cat that ran away after he interacted with her just one time. The westie we have left always attempts to run away, and has a few times, when this guy was around in the past.
I regret everything about my relationship with this guy except for my son. But because I ignored my dearly loved pets' warning signs, I feel responsible for putting them through miserable hell.
All I can say is that I'm glad I ended it before he got worse and started possibly doing harmful things to me or my son. Which of course, he swears he'd *never* do to us because we're not animals.
Either way, I still can't forgive myself for even getting involved with the guy and not defending my pets better.

[jenstam]

He gave up because I stood my ground. He realized I am serious and I love my cat. He never, ever harmed him, but would just stomp or snap his fingers. My poor cat has never seen a human do those kinds of things so he was bewildered and confused. He has a new respect for him now and they tolerate each other. He'll even bring him to me in the morning when I'm still in bed (: He used to sleep with me all the time and lays outside of our bedroom all night. That is one thing I understood...he didn't want the cat in bed with us. So he gets to sleep with me after Ben gets up (: Men or people in general sometimes just don't understand the depth our love goes for our animals. Not all people love animals this way. And even if they don't, there should be respect. Animal teasers or abusers score at the bottom of my list of bad people.

[heana]

i know you feel guilty..one time this guy in topic actually threw his shoe at my cat when we dated years ago.  it really bothered me and he acted like i was over reacting...it's just a damn cat he would say.  but you know our pets are more than that. they are precious and they love us unconditionally.  i don't know the what a memory of a cat or dog is like, but i hope they don't remember that stuff!  i even had him watch him once while i was on a trip for 4 nights.  gosh, i wonder if he was mean to him. or if it's only torment time when the owner is around to see?  i hope you can forgive yourself...you did what you could.  why do jerks like them compare humans to animals.....are they that uneducated?  where do they think human life began.  grrrrrrrr i get mad when i think of animal abusers!  it is so true how these little creatures can sense evil in people isn't it?  i am sure your pets had wonderful lives with you...it was a small sacrifice they put up with to have such a good mommie like you!!  

[mayflowers]

This is terrible, and I feel really bad telling this, but my ex-husband had a cat and so I couldn't bring my cat (the cat was living with my parents and they were moving to another state).  I ended up giving my cat to someone (2 nurses who really loved him) who took really good care of him but to this day, I feel sick about it.  I mean, I physically feel awful that I let my cat go.  He was a loving cat, used to put his little paws around my neck and lick my face (he was siamese), I loved him but thought I should do it for my husband.  Bad choice.  I should have kept the cat and left the husband which I did eventually anyway.  

I just wanted to tell you all how badly I still feel about giving that cat up.  My stomach is aching right now thinking about it.  My advice is when in doubt, choose the animal.  That's what I'm going to do if this ever happens to me again.

[heana]

i am so sorry to  hear about that..that is what my intuition is telling me.  if a guy is that much of a jerk, he is not worth getting involved with.  the only thing that i can understand is allergies.  but this guy doesn't have them.  he likes to tell me he does tho.  i should tell him i am allergic to mean people too!