boyfriend acting weird about pregnancy

I'm 18 my boyfriend is 20. We just found out I'm pregnant with my first child (it is his of course) but I tried getting him to read some things about the babys progress this week he refused and said his reason was "I'm not ready for this." He says were too young and well struggle. I know myself it will be hard but I'm excited since I miscarried my first son two years ago. Any tips on talking to him and getting him to accept the baby and not want to not be a part of it? He told me he wants to go to the doctor for the ultrasound but he doesn't ever want to talk about the baby at all. I'm only 5w 3days

[thatquietgirl]

An unplanned pregnancy is surely a lot for him to take in.  You both are very young and it will affect both your futures and both your options.  If you choose to go to school, there will be added challenges and costs to what will already be there from having a child at a young age when neither of you are going to be very established as individuals or in society or jobs.  He is quite likely feeling very overwhelmed. I wouldn't expect this to change overnight.  He's going to take time.  It's a good sign that he's wanting to go to the ultrasound appointment.  He's accepted this is going to happen, but he's got to get past the shock of it all and get used to the idea of becoming a father at such a young age when settling down, much less starting a family, was probably the farthest thing from his mind.

I would try to be understanding and not press the topic.  Yes, it is something you will both need to discuss since there are things to consider such as whether or not you will marry, how expenses surrounding the child will be handled, whether you will move in together, how you will afford everything to begin with, etc.  However, you have nine months to discuss this.  Give him some time.  Reassure him and validate any feelings and concerns he voices; don't laugh at him if he opens up.  Don't make him feel like he's being weird or strange for not being excited right now.  

I would say the best thing would be to say that you've noticed he's not sharing the same level of excitement as you and you are fine with that.  Let him know you understand what a shock this is and what he's feeling is perfectly normal.  Ask him straight out what you can do to help him feel more comfortable with the idea or what he needs you to do/not do to make this transition easier for him.  He should be willing to tell you what he needs.  Respect him if he says he needs some space.

[kelsierenaee]

I tried just talking to him about it and told him about this post and that I wanted advice to help him be more open minded and accepting of the situation..somehow he got the topic being I was calling him closed minded? I'm not sure what other way to approach it

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I think your boyfriend is being completely honest with you.  He's not interested in being a father or having a baby and doesn't want to be a part of it.  While that stinks, that tells you where his head is at with this.  

I don't think you can change his mind as he'll have to get to that place himself.  He may or he may not.  He may never decide he wants to be a dad right now and do what a lot of guys do and take a walk.  And I think the more you push, the more likely that is to happen.

So, what you need to throw yourself into is planning.  If something like adoption isn't something you'd consider, then you need to get plans together for this child.  And I'd do two seperate plans.  One is worst case scenario.

[specialmom]

In this plan, it takes into consideration what will happen if your boyfriend leaves and doesn't want any part of the baby.  Then you must establish legal paternity so that you can collect child support.  Problem is, child support is based on someone's income so it might not be very much money.  You will need to think about how you will be financially independent with a baby.  Where will you work and who will watch the baby while you are at work and how you will pay for that care.  It is easy to say mom or dad will do it but you can't always count on that and getting to a place of independence is key to responsible parenting.  You should also think about college or job training so that you have greater income potential down the road.  Things like this need to be considered.  You will be on your own for multiple feedings, crying newborn, diaper changing, etc.  Your time will no longer be your own.  It's all part of having a baby.  And it is tough alone.

[specialmom]

If he stays, you will need to ask all the same questions and have a plan for the two of you to take care of the baby.  

Having a child can take a toll on any relationship.  Even married couples who planned the pregnancy can struggle with the major changes that come about because of it.

so, I just want you to think realistically about things.  Pics in a book are exciting but the real story is what happens after the baby is here.  That is what you need to be really thinking about.  Do you have support from  your family?

[Life360]

Hi Kel, I think not be married is a big part of it. Just being a boyfriend is already creating a distance between you both. It makes it all just somewhat casual.

[thatquietgirl]

Telling him about the post was probably not the greatest of ideas.  That was in essence telling him you went to others rather than to him to find out what was bugging him and what you need to do, that you think others know what he's feeling better than he does.  Immediate defensiveness when strangers are brought into your personal drama, especially if he wasn't involved in the decision to post this.

I'd work on focusing on the two of you for now.  You only have a few months where you can actually be just the two of you before this baby comes into the picture and changes the dynamics of an already potentially rocky relationship.

Focus on being there for him.  He needs that support just as much as you need to see the excitement from him.  But the fact is you can give the support but he can't give the excitement right now or possibly ever.  He may have had big plans for his life that he realizes can't happen if he stays.  He may not have felt secure in the relationship yet or even planned on it being for anything but fun.

And yes, Specialmom's advice is good as per usual.  You do need to have plans for both scenarios in mind as it is very possible he could go to all the appointments in the world, seem to be coming around, yet still walk.  I wouldn't bring up that you're doing that to him because of the implications that it would give him ("You don't trust me/don't trust me to do what's right," etc.), but it is something that you need to have in the back of your mind or written in a journal.

[Londres70]

I don't think he is acting "weird."  He is indeed acting like a 20 year old guy who doesn't want the situation to happen.  You can't fault him for being honest.  

I will agree with SM about you will need to have to plan for two different senarios.  

[Londres70]

BTW:  I wouldn't have shared with him that you have been posting on a site about your issue.  That wasn't a good idea.  

[kelsierenaee]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm just worried that hell cause me to stress over fear of him leaving or not being there for me and the baby. I don't want to miscarry again it would destroy me.

[remar]

This must have been a planned pregnancy if you were using no birth control, right? If he did'nt want a baby then why did'nt he insist on using birth control? I see this happen way too often. The guy wants to take no responsibility. It's your decision to keep the baby or not. It's his decision to stay with you or leave, which he very well can do. You can try to get child support from him. It may not be much if he's not working or has a low paying job. So, this could all fall on you as far as taking care of the baby. I feel bad for you but I always recommend being in a very stable relationship like marriage before having kids. Every child deserves to have both parents in it's life. Going back and forth to the mother and father can be so hard on a child. They need a stable home environment.  

[kelsierenaee]

Well we are very open with each other and he says I'm the one he thinks hes meant to be with for the rest of his life so I don't see gin leaving at least not anytime soon. So that's not too much of a worry really. I'm just stressed that he won't ever be excited about the baby until after its already here. I want to be able to talk to him about baby things but he never really seems to listen if I bring it up he just tunes me out and does something else. He did say though that once he sees an ultrasound and there's no doubt I'm pregnant that he thinks he will be mote accepting and very excited but I suppose we will see. I'm making an appointment with my doctor soon to have one done and have him with me so we will see

[specialmom]

Hm, all that is written above seems to not resonate at all with you.  I can only wish you luck because you seem to be very stuck in a dream. Babies are no dreams and in fact, some days are so hard it feels like a nightmare.

I certainly hope that you didn't get pregnant on purpose behind this boys back.  He's young and telling you he doesn't want to be a dad.  Please think about that.  there is a VERY signficant chance you will be by yourself with this baby.  

Not much more to say as you are focused on the wrong things here.  You need a plan on how you are going to care for this baby physically and financially.  I'm guessing your mom and dad support you.  good luck

[remar]

I could'nt agree more with Specialmom. When the baby is crying, sick, needs all of your attention it can feel like a nightmare. You will be sleep deprived and your life does not belong to you any more, it belongs to that baby and it's needs. I've seen this same situation way too many times. The guy can very easily walk out on you and the baby. I do hope things turn around he realizes there is a new life on it's way. Do be prepared to do this all on you own though because it happens all the time.

[Londres70]

"Any tips on talking to him and getting him to accept the baby and not want to not be a part of it?"........Dear, he didn't want the situation in the first place, therefore, there are NO tips to be given to convince him to be "happy" about this situation as the situation was FORCED upon him.

As SM stated, I too hope that you didn't do this deliberately.  I am not saying this to be rude, but you sound as if you weren't over losing your first child and you wanted to try and get pregnant again.

Plus, you stated he wants to see an US first to confirm the pregnancy.  Sounds as if he doesn't believe you.  Then you go on to say he may leave you (you fear this) and then in the next breath you say he isn't and that he says you are "the one."   This doesn't sound like any SOLID relationship in my opinion.  

How long have you two been together?

Once again, you NEED to plan for two different senarios.  

[Londres70]

I briefly skimmed your other posts.  They give the impression that you aren't certain if you are pregnant.

Did you take a pregnancy test?

[Nighthawk61]

If a boy feels like he's been used to get you pregnant, rather than jointly make a decision to spend your life together, get married, get a career and plan for a home, he will resent you. It sounds like he wants to get the important things happening before having a child, and that in the future he may be a good father, but if he resents you, all bets are off.
Do you have your high school diploma?
Are you considering or are going to college?
You should do that now, whether you're pregnant or not. You can get a college diploma, at least by the time the baby's born.
Where are you living, do you live at home or with your boyfriend?

I agree with the above members who have said that there's no way to get a boy excited about a baby that he knows he's too young to support. It's a huge responsibility and one that he may have a better understanding of than yourself.

I surely hope that you've confirmed your pregnancy before talking about it being a reality. It's not a game, that a responsible person would play. That's not saying that I hope you're pregnant, i hope that you get prepared before you get pregnant, for the babies sake and yours.

[Teegs87]

I too was in your situation kelsierenaee. I met my boyfriend at the age of 19, and fell pregnant a few months after we started seeing each other(He was 23). I very quickly learnt how strongly he felt about never wanting children. He came to the first ultra sound with me. I didn't want to know the sex, but he did. Seeing as he was lacking any kind of excitement, I agreed to finding out the sex during the ultrasound (boy!).

Our relationship was tough during my pregnancy. He accused me of purposely falling pregnant (I too had miscarried prior to this pregnancy). I could tell that he resented me for making my decision. I will never forget when the baby first kicked. I felt something flutter in my tummy, so I put my hands on my little bump and could indeed feel him kicking. I showed my boyfriend, and it was the first sign of hope I had seen since we found out I was pregnant.

As it became more real, he did become more accepting of the situation, but the resentment was not gone.

Unfortunately our story does not have a happy ending. I delivered my son premature and breach 6 months into the pregnancy. Sadly he was stillborn. One thing that I will never forget, is how supportive my boyfriend was through the whole ordeal. He would not leave my side, and the hospital were kind enough to set up a bed for him in my room with me. My parents would have to drag him to the cafe to eat because he hadn't. I would not have coped as well as I did, without him. We both miss our son every day. He should be 6 years old in March 2013.

Six years later, and we are still together, and I love him more than ever. Whilst our relationship started out rough, it has only gotten better since.

We have not tried to concieve (conceive) any children, and have no immediate plans to marry.

I am not suggesting to you how you should handle the situation, because if I had my time again I would do it very differently. I will never again live with resentment in my life. Your post reminded me of that.

[specialmom]

Thank you for your story.  I really appreciate your sharing with us.