My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are currently in a long distance relationship for 1 year. I dont know what to do though because he has a major anger problem and is very hard headed, the smallest things will set him off and when you set him off he goes crazy. He has never physically done anything but he screams at me no matter where we are, he has caused many public scenes. I can't even try to put in my idea of why I am not happy with whatever just happened because he automatically directs it back to me and says YOU did this and YOU did that. When I try to make things okay and tell him just to calm down I get the exact opposite effect. He normally hurts me enough to where I cry or when I say you are really hurting my feelings and then his response to that is “You give me an opportunity to shout at you by making mistakes each time. I know it seems like the answer would be to get out of the relationship. We have been through a lot together and I love him to death and was miserable without him. He has a habit to blame me. I fear every moment that he might get angry and abuse. I have cold shivers while speaking to him and have lost confidence on myself over the time.What do I do? Am I doing something wrong or is that just what he always makes me believe? What can I do to get him to listen and not talk to me so bad?
Hi there dear. No, he's trying to blame you for his own shortcomings. He's not able to deal with his anger, frustration, and disappointment and uses those around him as a punching bag. Screaming and making public scenes is NOT okay. And unless one aggressively tries to change, it gets worse. And even when one tries to change, some can't because these are their habits and patterns in dealing with negative emotions. Very primitive and unevolved and totally not fair to those in their life they take it out on,
Why do we date? To decide if someone is the type of person that we want to spend long term years with. I would rule OUT anyone that acted this way. It will be a lifetime of mistreatment if you don't.
Set higher standards for yourself in terms of who you want as a partner. good luck
This kind of behavior almost always escalates. If He feels entitled to treat You this way now, He will feel even MORE entitled as the Relationship goes on.
I was married to a man(?) who started out the same way.
It went from: "It's your fault that I yell at You because You make mistakes" Later it became: "I wouldn't hit You if You didn't make mistakes". He NEVER apologized because EVERY time He got mad enough to yell or hit, it was my fault for making "mistakes". I "caused" Him treat me that way. I'm quoting Him here.
As You state here, My Husband too, had a "habit to blame me". I too, "feared every moment that He might get angry and abuse". I walked on egg shells and always felt inadequate. At times, something I might say or do would make Him laugh, He would think I was "cute" but the next time I might do or say the same sort of thing - it would make Him angry. It kept me "off base" all the time - I never knew if He was going to get mad or not!!
This is no way to live. This is not Love. Love is Good. Love is kind. Love doesn't hurt. You need to find out what it is about You that causes You to "choose" to be with Him, so You can move on and not make this mistake again.
Please, don't be offended by what I just said. I'm sincere and have true concern for You to remain in this relationship.
Hi and welcome. What you have established here is a acton and reaction relationship when it comes to these issues. This started off slow by you to avoid conflict and and now is escalating as he still gets the reaction from you.
All you have to do is not react the way you have. Instead of trying to defend yourself (he dosent listen anyway) just dont react. I know this sounds difficult and you dont have to start doing it all right away, but start with smaller issues. One of the most powerful tools you have is not saying anything back to him.
This is a tool he uses so you need to develop your own tools, and not use the same ones he does.
This sounds like emotional and verbal abuse to me and if you are going to stay, which I really wouldn't advise, then he should be seeking professional help for this. If he sees his behavior as no problem, then he will not seek help.
Sounds like this behavior pattern was learned and it will be difficult to change and it surely isn't going to change overnight or without professional help.
He is BEYOND your help dear. He has to do the "changing," not you.
Priya, please don't stay in a relationship with this guy. I know you say you love him but he has made it very clear by his actions that he doesn't love you back. If he truly really loved you he would not treat you this way. This type of behavior always escalates into actual physical abuse and you do not deserve to be treated this way.
You need to understand and believe that no matter what you do or don't do, no matter what you say or don't say, he will find reasons to explode and either say hurtful things or do things to physically hurt you. This is a very toxic relationship and you need to get away from him before you end up in the hospital because of him. He has already affected your self esteem and the longer you stay the longer it will take for you to build it back up again. For your own good and your own future it's imperative for you to get away from him as soon as possible.
You are not the one causing him to be this way. It doesn't matter what he says, this is not your fault. It's really easy for people to blame other people for their shortcomings because its so much easier than looking within and trying to figure out how to make positive changes. Not to mention people like him are the type who just don't care enough to change so the behavior gets worse and worse.
He deserves to be alone with no one because he has a severe problem. Until he is ready and willing to fix this problem he should not seek out any relationships. You on the other hand deserve much better than this and I really hope that you will do the right thing and leave him. For your own well being and health you need to leave him. It will only get much worse the longer you stay.
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