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cheap men
i was just wondering... how does one deal with a bf/husband thats very cheap?

me n my bf r movin in together officially as of next month (even tho ive been livin at his place for the last 3-4 months). but now im giving up my own apt.

anyways, the "cheap" topic keeps coming up with us. if he buys me a pack of cigs he wants 5$ back. today he said that 8$ from mcdonalds.. is too expensive!!! i mean cummon!! 8$!!

he makes triple what i do.

i never ask for anythin, he never bought me anything (i got a card for my birthday). but im very independent, and just tell myself - i dont need his money, i have my own.

is this fixable? how can i get pass this? any advice?

thanx to all =)
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13167 tn?1327197724
What are your goals for the future?  In 10 years,  do you want to be married to a kind and caring and care-taking man,  and have a happy quiet home and a couple kids?   If you do,  this isn't the man for you and you're totally wasting your time.

Or do you view life as a big series of unexpected adventures.  You don't ever want to be married,  you would really prefer to do a lot of travelling and experiencing life in the world,  and you want to have an interesting career,  and you don't want to have kids.  This might be just the guy for you,  for awhile.

No,  he won't change.   (been there,  been engaged to that for 3 years,  thankfully got out before marrying him).
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13167 tn?1327197724
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i know he wont change. people dont change, i learned that a long time ago the hard way.

im just trying to figure out if "cheapness" is a big enough deal. and to see if its something i can look past and live with.

he has a lot of positives, he cooks and cleans (more than i do), takes care of me if im sick, he will deffenetly never cheat (has very idealistic values, when it comes to that), he listens, he will be a good father, hes a workaholic, not bad alcohol or drug habits, comes from a good family (which seems to like me).

money is our bigest issue. im just hoping when i make enough money, and together we r not going pay check to pay check, the stress will ease off.

and to answer ur question, im 23 and really not thinking too much long tearm. id want to be with my kids while they r little, but i also dont think i can be without a carrer.

just trying to figure out if there is a way to live with a cheap man...

sorry i keep writing novels =)
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173939 tn?1333221450
A lot of men who earn a good living are like that. They have learned to save every penny and it hurts them to let go of any penny. Sometimes they can be very generous with their own children but their whole world usually evolves around gathering money. I find them especially stingy with emotions. And I know lots of couples who still argue about grocery bills after years of marriage or living together. Check your memory if you ever felt emotionally starved with your boyfriend. If yes, I woudl not move in together and deal with all the financial madness on top of it. If it is only the cheapness and you truly think you can look beyond it every day, go for it.
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164559 tn?1233711618
I would be concerned that he didn't give you a nice gift for your b-day.  Both my husband and myself are thrifty.  We are both the children of immigrants and grew up in households where parents saved and did not waste a thing.  However, he will occassionally surprise me with a piece of jewellry and for my 40th birthday he have me tickets to the DR.

Do you have financial goals as a couple?  Money is the number one things couples fight about.  You need to work this out before you move in.  We actually sat down together with a financial counsellor for advice before we were married.  We decided our goals and how we were going to pay our bills and spend our money.  And we NEVER fight about money.  (not that we don't bicker about other things)

Work this out now.
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164559 tn?1233711618
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13167 tn?1327197724
Broke - what are your plans for the finances once you move in together?

Are you planning to split everything 50/50,  rent,  utilities,  etc.?    If you are,  I think this will quickly become a deal breaker.

My husband is extremely frugal,  and he makes a lot of money,  and I've never made hardly any because my background is social work.    We never lived together before marriage,  and when we got married we got a joint checking account,  and as a married couple the money was "ours".   Not "mine" and "yours".  I think that might cause you some real problems.

My husband will opt to drive home from errands and make a sandwich rather than stopping at McDonalds because of the expense,  and he'll plan ahead and use cash machines that don't charge $2 for a withdrawal rather than just getting cash at the grocery store and paying 2 bucks.  So I understand that part about your boyfriend.

My husband,  though,  spends a lot of money on things that will last forever.  He's bought me nice jewelry that will retain its value forever,  he buys nice cars and nice furniture that he intends to have in the house forever.

It's kind of a concern that your boyfriend has never bought you any gifts.  

Best wishes.

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13167 tn?1327197724
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Cheapness IS a big enough deal - that's why you're asking for input from strangers.  Believe me - I should know.  I've had to learn the hard way (again).  I was married to a cheap man (selfish is another word) - men that want to SAVE money for their partner or families - that's not CHEAP - mean that do things for themselves are selfish.  Anyway - I'm a career woman.  Independent.  Don't NEED their money - but - it would be nice to have a man be thoughtful like I am.  You don't have to spend a lot of money to show you care.  It's when they make it VERY CLEAR that they DON'T want to spend a penny - it's RUDE, CRUDE AND HURTFUL.  SELFISH.  Get away.  Cheapness DOES matter.  Being frugal to have dreams come true for your family isn't cheap.  If he's always talking about money - vs. always talking about a future with you and dreams you can make come true - he's cheap.  Good luck to you.  Rise above the cheapness in his actions.  Low life!  It DOES matter.  When we have to asks ourselves (does it matter?)  Yes - it does.
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Hi Broke

I couldn't believe it reading your letter, I am in almost exactly the same situation. My fiance earns 3 times what I do, and lately he got annoyed when I asked him for help with a phone bill. I have also been off work with no notice for 6 weeks and had over $1000 of medical bills which he hasn't helped with at all and I'm still paying off. He has gotten better over the course of our relationship; he now buys me things when he goes away, takes us out for dinner etc, but mostly he has his own things he wants to save his money for. I'm really struggling with this at the mo, which is how I ended up here! what have your thoughts been after reading peoples' responses to your problem?

Nell
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484212 tn?1210183595
I guess I have a different take on this because I have always made more money than the guys I have dated.  I started being very ambiguous about how much money I made because they would start expecting me to pay for everything.  I always paid when I made the dinner suggestion but if they wanted to do something they should expect to pay too.  People who make decent living that is more than the people they date (whether male or female) get really tired of the "You make so much more than me so I am entitled to some of yours" attitude.  I wasn't dating to be someone's Mom and I don't have to "share" my money with you unless we are married.  You'd be surprised how much 5$ here and there can add up and it doesn't feel good to have to look at someone you might want to date as a potential financial investment.  Plus I would never ask someone to buy me something (even cigarettes) without giving them money.  I would also never ask for a "loan" for bills or to be bought something I can't buy for myself.  Is this guy a boyfriend or a bank?  

I do find the lack of gift giving a little odd but then I suspect he is feeling the pull on his wallet and he is pulling back.  I would just have an honest conversation about expenses and expectations and see if you can live with whatever he thinks.  I don't think it is fair to demonize this guy just because he doesn't want to be someone's Sugar Daddy.  I'm not saying that is what the OP is trying to do but he may just be a little leary if he has been taken advantage of before?  How about explaining to him that you want gifts for your birthday as an expression of his affection but they can be something he made or does for you rather than something he has to spend a lot of cash on.  Set a five dollar limit for both of you and then get creative.  You will find out very quickly whether this guy is, as suggested in other posts, a stingy jerk who doesn't even care enough about you to put any effort into making you a gift; or just a guy who works really hard for his money and doesn't like feeling like he has to pay for your time.  


PS.Now that I am married it is "our" money but we did negotiate savings goals, discresionary spending, and our money plan and philosophy before we got married.  I had to give a little and he had to give a little but we came to what we both felt was a fair compromise and after five years together we have not had a single fight about money!
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484212 tn?1210183595
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I married my perfect but cheap man! If I had to do it again, I would NOT.  The cheapness won't go anywhere even if you make a million dollars a year.  It gets more complicated when you have kids, how can you not let your child grow up cheap with such a father?  We both have very well-paid jobs and don't have any financial issues.  Still he is cheap , no matter how hard he truely tries not to be and eventhough it is bothering him as well.  He "borrows" things that he doesn't see the need to buy, whereas in my mind if you need it you buy it (and I am talking about simple things like ladders or jumpers).  Anyway, cheapness is a big deal and if you don't want to fight it every single day of your life, move away.
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193137 tn?1367883663
By most men's standards, I'm pretty high-maintenance, so you should probably take my advice with a grain of salt. Being cheap is a definite deal-breaker in my mind.

anxiousmomtobe? was right when she said finances is the biggest thing that couples fight about. I think if you're both frugal, then it's fine. But if you're really not and he really is, then I think it's something that will be difficult to get past.

I probably spend as much on my boyfriends as they do on me, and that was true when I was a starving student and they were employed and when I'm employed and they're struggling. I think one of the best things about being in a relationship is having someone to take care of, give gifts to, and be generous with. For me, if that doesn't feel balanced, it's not worth it.
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I do not know what my boyfriend is, I am still trying to gage it. He works hard and has one son, never been married.  I have been married with three children and none live with me.  I pay child support, and love it.  Getting back the cheap boyfriend, he fights before an event such as but not limited to B'day's, valentine's and mother's day, so he never buys a gift or takes me out on special days.  When we go to the movies he will not buy popcorn or anything else. He sweat me on a $2.00 game of pool.  He bought me a $14.95 journey necklace for XMAS.  I wrote him a ten page letter and broke it off.  He called the letter an evil letter, I told him the only thing that was evil was him and his $14.95 necklace.

He wanted me to shack-up with him I said absolutely not, I have never shacked and never will.  He has some great skills that I am trying to optimize for our future, if we make it that far.  There are guys out there that love to pay and it is not a problem, but in this case I think this person was hurt badly.

Best Regards,
Evil Necklace
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I eat at McDonald's all the time and I've made various income over the years. As far as the cigarettes, I would never buy him for my gf. I would be even cheaper than him in that  area. I would say be thankful he's not a spendthrift and going into deep debt. Maybe you can strike a balance and ask if can he treat you to a movie or concert every once in a while.  
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100019 tn?1335923317
Is the boyfriend cheap or not?  It depends on you...do you spend money at the drop of a hat?  My husband takes a sandwich and an apple to work for lunch EVERY single day, all while men around him are going out to lunch - spending $25 - $30 dollars EVERY week.  That adds up to a partial car payment each month.

If we have no bills and aren't in debt my husband wouldn't have a problem with McDonald's but if we've just had some major bills come in and he's feeling stressed about making sure everything gets paid then yes, McDonald's would be too expensive.

Only you can answer some of these questions.  At least with my husband I never have to worry about not having money in the bank for emergencies and trust me...McDonald's is never an emergency.
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100019 tn?1335923317
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Ya thats cheap to me. I believe the guy should be the man of the house of course I don';t have that either.My bf  is cheap! been with him 5 yrs now and he got worst not better.I don't see his money he don't see mine.I don't think thats much of a relationship.
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177641 tn?1189759437
Why don't you sit down and TALK about what is appropriate to spend on each other? Don't wait for the situation to come up, and then get angry about it. I agree with Trialanderror - some people learn to save, especially if they haven't always made great money. That's a GREAT asset to find in a person. $5 on cigarettes here and $8 on fast food there does add up quickly, whether you're making great money or not. Unless you're reciprocating by buying him a meal here and there to make up for the times he pays for you, it's really not a fair deal for him.

Try talking to your boyfriend about gifts. Set a spending limit (e.g. $50.00). That way it's clear what your expectations are, and if he's too cheap to negotiate that, then I think you've got a real problem. He may  feel uncomfortable with the idea of him having to foot the bill each time you feel like having fast food and other stuff.

The fact that your boyfriend makes triple of what you make doesn't entitle you to his earnings. You're not married, or planning on marriage yet, so why would he suddenly open his bank account to you? How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If I were you, I would talk to him ASAP about who's going to pay how much of which bills before you move in together. If you're expecting him to pay for all of them, you might have a rough start to living together.
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177641 tn?1189759437
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Do you think you can take it (money) with you?  C'mon, life is so short.  Be kind to your girlfriends and/or wives.  Saving for a rainy day is great.  Being a jerk about McDonald's is ridiculous.  If you're sleeping with your girlfriend/wives, they should ALWAYS receive a present of no less than $100.00 on Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day and any other special occasion.  Cheap men suck!  They are no more than selfish mean little boys deep inside who don't deserve a girlfriend/wife.
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i've been dating a man that gives very little. i don't complain because he is supporting and living with two grown daughters that don't work. recently, i had to have surgery. he insisted that he would take care of the surgery (he is a doctor and was going to trade with another doc).
i apprehensively had the surgery and then rec'd the bill last week.
he takes me to the movies on most weekend and i buy popcorn. i buy groceries when i can't afford them to cook for him. we have been dating for 4 years and on my last birthday he went skiing and didn't want to come back for my day. finally he arrived with a gift from an office supply
store that was about 85.00. whenever i need anything or am in a jam he
tells me to call my ex. oh, and this last year i found out he cheated on me with a woman who is 59 years old. (just used her for sex) . i am
completely to blame for having him in my life. the medical bill situation
has finally woken me up. and i have to ask myself "how did i get to this
place" . also,, he never has ever told me he loves me. he is empty in emotion and empty at promises, gift and extremely cheap. i think this all ties in together. so how stupid am I ???
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548376 tn?1269067003
he made a comment the last time i was over at his house which is 80 miles away. i always drive there every weekend to see him and spend time. he gave me one new toilet paper roll when i ran out last sat night. i told him i needed a new roll in the bathroom....okay the following morning he noticed that i needed another roll.he said "didn't i give you a new roll last night?"

these were the very thin, cheapest rolls too, i told him i had my period very heavy and was sick....i told him oh i need to bring my own toilet paper. he just laughed..

this is the same man who skips meals, eats in the am and will not have anything until 6 or 7 pm when i'm there....most of the time he does not even offer me water.

he even asked how many cups of coffee i was making in the am when i saw me pour a lot of his bottled water in the coffee pot

he does not buy milk either

i am very disappointed at how i learned he was after dating him since oct of this year
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548376 tn?1269067003
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548376 tn?1269067003
yeah, the guy i was dating bought himself a $300 picture for his office for work. but he will not buy milk, or does not like me to use a lot of his thin, cheap toilet paper he buys.....he did not even want me to go on birth control pills, because he said it would cost me....wow he better not ever ever have children


i cried hard the last time i saw him. we drove an hour to a mall to find gloves for him, he picked a pair out, found a better pair, exchanged the first ones, etc..all the while did not ask me if i was hungry or thirsty....this was the weekend before christmas too...

we had no lunch and i drove back home 80 miles away in the rain close to dinner time...that is about the 4th time i put up with him and that behavior. i cried so hard. he was so cheap.....everything was for himself. those gloves were $30, he bought a gps thing for his car that was $700 but could not ask if i was hungry or thirsty...

on our very first date he complained how much dating web sties cost to join and how he had to remodel his home...i should have left then....
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548376 tn?1269067003
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548376 tn?1269067003
instead of not talking and just crying to myself alone...see i just started to ignore my "bf' because he upset me so much..he is so tight...i drive all that way 80 miles each way and he cannot even allow me to use tp when i haver a heavy period and am sick. and he does not like me to use a lot of water, drink a lot of water, and he does not buy milk....

i have paid the entire grocery bill too. i really have. but i had to stop because i have fulltime school at the university and work fulltime too..he has a ba and masters degree and earns a lot. all my money goes on school, i was so broke at paying for school and car repairs that got into the thousands that during these last two months i have had the two tacos for $.99 from Jack in the Box for lunch each day. and that is gross after awhile and i did not complain to anyone....

i tried so hard with this boyfriend i would pay for coffee, dessert, food, groceries, disposable camara on our trip, etc. and i did not have the money at all...in fact i have used pay dad advances a lot, a real lot to act like i am normal and have basic things. it is so upsetting for me...
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419964 tn?1333305506
I moved in with my boyfriend almost two years ago i moved from my home to live with him which was 3 hours away. By no means is he cheap he works hard pays his bills and i get whatever i want. he helps his family in time of need. I do not work he supports me he bought me a used car. But as nice as it isto get things allthe time wouldnt you want to be independent not having to depend on someone to take care of you.
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640829 tn?1230999660
I have the same problem, my bf sponges off his mom and step dad, and I live on my own and pay all my own bills. Mind you, he only works 3 days a week and goes to uni still. But his job pays more than mine, but he still lets his mom buy all the food he wants and other things. I wish his mom would start charging him rent, because it's getting pathetic to me. He can buy himself expensive things, but never give over any rent to them?
I already put my foot down on "our" rules when we live together, he knows he's paying half, and buying his own stuff for himself and I will do the same.
I won't be footing his bill like mommy did.
He only treats me on bday and rare occasions! and I do spend more on him overall, but I do that with all the people I love so of course he's at the top of my list with my parents.

You just have to set firm ground rules and stick to them and come to an agreement on it all. And decide if how he is will be livable for you, and how much you really do love him.
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I broke up with my bf partially because he was so cheap. Sometimes he'd want me to pay for him too, since he was out of money and hadn't gotten his pay check. I didn't mind doing that every once in while, but there has to be a balance. It's great to be independent, but just make sure that this is what you want. He most likely will not change, so if you don't mind the small petty money issues he has, you can keep the relationship going, though in my opinion I wouldn't stay around.
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I completely agree with "Hatesmommasboys" and others regarding this matter and, in particular, the gift-giving issue: for your birthday, your man should jump at the chance to let you know how special you are by going out of his way to do something wonderful for you and, yes, get you a gift he hopes will put a big smile on the face of his beautiful lady!! A man (not a boy) - a MAN looks forward to taking care of the people he cares about and is, in fact, motivated by the desire to do so. If he doesn't care about you, he should stop sleeping with you and have the basic decency to 'come clean' about his feelings so you can move on. In other words, he should man-up. Most women I know want to feel cherished by their bf or husband. Being 'nickeled and dimed' to death on every small purchase certainly does not make anyone feel cared for. I'm just going to say it....others may disagree, but I (and my friends) personally believe that most men put the same premium on sex that women put on thoughtfulness. If a man is not getting what is important to him, he's not going to hesitate to get out of the relationship. If you stopped showing your appreciation in the way that mattered to him, he  would not be asking himself (or strangers)  whether to leave you or not - not for ONE second! For the last month or so I've been seeing a man (or perhaps 'boy' is a more accurate term) whose cheapness has become increasingly evident - it's TACKY and a total turn-off. I am a 34-yr-old single woman living in LA where finding a straight, employed man (and he is both) is next to impossible. However....I can't help but resent his attitude, and I don't believe his cheapness is something I can deal with - when he decided I would pay for my lunch on our most recent afternoon together (when going out for lunch and the restaurant itself were both his idea, by the way), even the waiter looked stunned. It was embarrassing. When my date got up to use the men's room, the waiter made a point of coming over to say to me "My gf is a lawyer and, obviously makes more money than I do, but I would never ask her to pay for anything on a date - a real man (I'm just quoting him!) looks forward to doing something nice for his gf."  If your guy so much as bats an eyelash over an $8 McDonald's run or a $9 sandwich at a local lunch spot (referring to my own case) he is not a keeper. I'd rather be single than wish I were. Thank you to Broke 123 for your questions and to all the women who have responded.  
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i dated a guy who was cheap and stingy.I made more money but i even got sick of how cheap he was. i couldn't stand that we  couldn't go anywhere that didn't have free or $1 drinks. or if they had a cover charge (which all of the night clubs i used to frequent had a cover) we couldn't go b/c he didn't want to pay to go dance. he never paid for me. he paid ONCE and that was enough. my birthday he took me out and from then until i left him a week later i got **** from him AND his dad about how he was wasting money on me. meanwhile i was PERFECTLY OK for me to spend money on him for his bday. in fact his brother made the comment, "geez that's all you got him?" hello we'd been dating for a month. i wasn't about to go out and spend $500 on him.....

so yeah the cheapness gets old fast. REALLY fast. the hubby....he's great. lol. while we were dating even if i wanted to pay and argued with him about it nope....i was absolutely forbidden from paying for anything. he's relaxed a bit now but....we have a joint checking account. lol.
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902589 tn?1268152453
If the cheapness really bothers you, you should explain how you feel to him. He might not even realize what he's doing, he might just be so used to saving his pennies, so to speak, that that's just the way he is.

If he doesn't change then to get him to understand how you feel, do the same thing back to him..for example, if you buy dinner, ask him for the $10.95 back or whatever that his half cost.

If he gets upset or angry about this, then explain to him(calmly..don't yell at him lol) that he now knows how you feel when he does the same thing to you.

Some guys need to experience what your feeling before they get the point...trust me i did kinda the same thing with my hubby, he never helped me around the house, and never realized how much i actually did until one day i stopped doing it, and boy was he mad when he realized i didn't do his laundry(i did mine and the kids but left his for him to do himself..lol)..needless to say he got the point and now helps me out from time to time. I know that's not the same thing as your talking about but if you ask him for his part of the check I believe he'll get your point about the cheapness.

Basically since you stated that you aren't looking for a serious relationship, then I would just suggest getting rid of this guy. I highly doubt he will ever change his ways.
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902589 tn?1268152453
WOW i just realized this post was from a couple years ago..lol never mind my comments lol
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wow i wish i read your comment before i got married,I also married a perfect man but CHEAP.  when we were dating he was struggling with his career and making minimum wage.  he did however work non stop and 6 days a week 12 hrs a day.  i admired his discipline and effort so i said to myself one day he will make alot of money and things will change.  i was making very good money at the time.  now 1 yr and 1/2 into marriage he's made 10 yrs salary in 1 yr lets just say his job now pays fortune.
my engagment ring was free for him and i never liked it, i always told him i wanted a diff style and he said he would buy me the one i liked later.  well today he bought me finally the 'one i wanted'  it took 6 trips to the same jeweler, and in diff states to compare prices.  months of trying to figure out where we were going to buy it and finally he did.
now were home and i was so happy he finally bought me something so special and he's started a huge arguement with me over money for a $5 t-shirt i gave away.  i felt it once we got home he regretted spending $2000 on me.  I dont even want this ring anymore the joy is gone the happiness lasted 1 hour.  i'm taking it back tomorrow and i will make sure his card is refunded.   DO NOT MARRY A CHEAP MAN!  IT'S PAINFUL AND I FEEL SO LET DOWN.  To me it's a sickness they have because when i had money i gave with an open heart and i gave with love and never thought twice about the price tag.   A good friend of mine Zelda Kaplan who is 93 yrs old always told me 'a man that is generous with his money is generous with his heart'!  I should've listened to her!  
I love my husband but I do regret marrying him especially on a day like this!   GOOD LUCK AND I HOPE SOMEONE IS SAVED FROM THESE MESSAGES!
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I too am with a cheap man have been with him for ten yrs and when we first started dating he took me out 3 days a week to see movies aand dinner but now its every 6 months. I ask for money just to go shopping and he gives me 20 dollars He is a good man but when he wants something money is no object.But when it comes to me its differant. He makes me feel like a child when i do ask and he will make me pay him back and he makes triple of what i do. I just dont know what to do.
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I too am with a cheap man have been with him for ten yrs and when we first started dating he took me out 3 days a week to see movies aand dinner but now its every 6 months. I ask for money just to go shopping and he gives me 20 dollars He is a good man but when he wants something money is no object.But when it comes to me its differant. He makes me feel like a child when i do ask and he will make me pay him back and he makes triple of what i do. I just dont know what to do.
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Sorry didnt mean to post it twice
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi.  Forgive me.  I did not read beyond the first post but wanted to give my perspective on the question.  

Okay, I married a tightwad.  A cheapo.  A penny pincher.  A squirrel.  A mizer.  Yep, I did.  I was decidedly not when I married him.  I loved to spend money.  I bought what I wanted when I wanted and thought nothing of it.  I did have a good income at the time and wasn't totally out of control and not in any debt, so why not, right?  We were pretty opposite.  

Worked out GREAT!  My husband became freer with his money and I became more frugal.  We work together to meet our goals.  He kept our house budget below what I thought we could spend . . . well, okay.  Smart move in the end and I respect his ability to not overspend.  I see things that we need to do in order to fix our house up, while he doesn't love to spend money, he agrees with me and we spend money on house projects.  He's never denied me anything as long as I don't go extravagent.  He's quite generous with our kids.  We are his family and I now stay at home as his wife and he provides for us.  

With this said however, I'd never move in with a man like this that did not put a ring on my finger and marry me first.  I feel strongly about this.  It wouldn't have worked if we moved in together as seperate entitities.  We are one entitity and that is why he shares his wealth with me.

So don't move in with him unless he marries you.  good luck
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973741 tn?1342346373
Okay, duh. It would help if I read the date on the orginal post which is old!  LOL  Cher posted at the end----------  and I always encourage someone to start their own post to get more responses.  

But cher-------- I'm sorry it is like this.  Are you married?  I think this is key.  When a man accepts their partner as part of themselves---------  they are more likely to spend money on/for/with them.  If you just live together----------- he very well may see money as his verses yours.  This is never good in a relationship.  Unity makes better sense to be connected.  

I learned a lot from my husband.  I don't need everything I want and while I do splurge on myself, I keep myself in check.  It is actually a good thing because as stated above, I like to spend.  This is different than being hungry and someone won't buy you a hamburger.  That is extreme.  And that is someone that doesn't see that if their partner is hungry, you should want to make that better.  

Overall, you've been together a long time.  Nothing has changed---------  will it ever?  Not if you two remain seperate entitities.  And now the question is, would you really like to marry someone after 10 years of this?  Is starting over an option for you?  I'd consider it.  

Good luck.  
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I need your thought about my situation. I have been seeing this guy for three months now. He is very cheap.He has never taken me out on a date. He is in debt and is trying to pay off debts. But I kind of feel if a guy really liked a woman he can take them to even McDonalds for lunch. When he visits me, he makes me pay for pizza if we order one arguing that i should by because he spent money on gas to drive 45 minutes drive to come and see me. For two months he said we were just friends and its not until last month that he actually said we were dating. I think he kept saying we were not dating because he did not want to take me out.
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1849593 tn?1321138262
omg my bf is the same dam way, its so annoying!!! when he didnt have a job, i would give him money for what ever he needed, like $50 or most of the time give him my whole check... now that i dont have a job, and he does, he wont give me a dime.. i ask for a box of smokes, and he refuses unless i get the cheap *** $1 pack of cigars -_- i ask to buy me a new phone since he's broken 5 of them and now been stuck with nothing and refuses, i ask for a pizza and refuses... Then wen i get money somehow, he raides my wallet and takes my $5 while he has a wallet full.. He'd rather spend his money on alcohol for him n his "friends" then buy me anything at all....

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I know this forum is very old, but I noticed that the comments are quite fresh, so I assume there are people who are looking for answers to this same problem, or to share their experiences.
I am from a foreign country and moved to marry my husband 2 years ago. I had a carreer, my work, but I also felt lonely with the perspective of being single for ever. I found my man, and decided to let go of everything to start a new life.
I admit in the beginning it was very hard, as I found out that he was indeed cheaper than I thought... For instance, the last piece of clothes he had bought for himself was 10 years ago!!! And he wanted to buy us silver wedding bands!!! Anyway, it's been 2 years and I still have to make a huge, huge effort if I want us to make any progress in life... I thought somehow that after I got married I would live a life where I could take care of my family, organizing things, but I now know that I do need lots of efforts to do so. God help me, give me wisdom and strength, and hope. I do love him very much. I just need lots of patience.
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Hi im Nora from saudia Arabia , I have the same issue ..

I'm married to my husband for 4. Years now
And I hate him now because of his cheapness
Really it's a very bad attitude , u may hate him because of that.
In my culture. . Women don,t have to pay 50/50 even ithee make more than them.
In my situation my husband make 5 times more than me but until now he is a cheap.  offff I hate that and Im really thinking about getting devorce because I always feel bad about my husband  when I see all my friends or sisters with a generous husband .its too hard also if u have kids
So don't concerned  this relation for a long time u will be tired the whole intire ship .. Don think about getting married to him .. and if u do .. I wish god help u ..
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1848267 tn?1333380225
My ex was so selfish.. and cheap. But when it came to himself he splurrged. I asked him once to get his son a winter coat and he wouldn't do it. As a matter of fact he never bought our son anything. He was so cheap i just couldn't handle it.
My current relationship has other issues but he is not cheap, no matter how much of a jerk he is being. He always helps out even if he knows i had the money and spent it. He ******* about things at times but never says no. He is in between, he isn't wastefull and uses coupons. But on the other hand isn't cheap.
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Hi everyone. I have a different problem. I just got engaged to my guy who i ve been seeing for 12 years. he used to be very generous but everytime i ask him now to do something he always refuses and tell s me if you re going to pay I m in. He doesnt pay rent, but we both share the bills.His 27 year old son lives with us in a small appartment and he doesnt give his dad not even a penny. He s a freeloading mooch and not only that he has a good paying job and is not moving out.( his son) Big strain on our couple relationship,éPlus he does no chores around the house.
The biggest problem is that i live like a hermit while he goes to the gym anfd refuses to take me out as not to spend any money. help me...
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973741 tn?1342346373
Gosh, I'm just wondering why you'd want to get engated and marry this guy.  It is one thing to not want to spend money much and count your pennies . . . my own husband is a squirrel and likes to save . . .  but quite another to refuse a social life with thier partner.  And if you aren't happy about his son and that isn't changing and YOU have no say whatsoever . . .  well, this relationship harldy sounds like you are an equal.  
He doesn't pay rent?  You mean this is your place and you pay the mortgage/rent on it and he just lives there?  And then you have no money to grab a dinner out?  Um, I'm not thinking htis is a good situation.  You need need to have a long heart to heart.  

Peace and luck
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No, we dont pay rent because it is his uncle s building,I ve managed to put money aside and asked him about his finances so we can get a nice play together but he refuses to tell me how much debt he has and how much savings he has. It s only a year I moved in with him and his 27 year old mooching son who manipulates him goes out partying ,comes back whenever he pleases and  manipulates his father blaming me that I want him to get a life and out of the house. Anyways I am moving out and I think its the end of that. Waisted to many years hoping he would change. Selfish people don t change. he only takes me out when his couple friend want to go to a restaurant and of course he pays to show everybody he s a big man.not worth it. Someone who spends 6 days a week going to the gym to look good but has no drive in life , well not much i can say.The only good thing he s done recently is help fix my car.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, if his son's living with you is uncomfortable and you've said as much . . .  you will have to decide if you want to continue this situation.  If it has only been one year that you have lived with him, maybe it makes sense to move back where you were and do some thinking about this.  You clearly have different viewpoints on money which is a big reason a lot of couples break up.  He also isn't trying to share with you like you are a couple on his philosphy of spending, his debt, etc.  He is still seperating finances from you.  

It may be a good idea to consider your own place again.  best of luck to you
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1962649 tn?1332448451
if a guy is cheap when he is supposed to be courting you he will make a lousy husband. get away now. i had 3 or 4 dates with a smart, handsome, funny man who had a good job and plenty of $$. but he was a tightwad. did not leave tips in restaurants. i decided no way did i want to be with a cheap man so i declined any more dates with him. good thing too. about 5 months later i met my husband and we've been married over 20 years!
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thank you for your advice. it has gotten to the point where I sacrificed too much and my well being has been affected.
thks
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973741 tn?1342346373
It certainly sounds that way.  I don't think it is worth compromising ourselves so much for a situation in which the other party isn't giving as much as we are to be close.  

I wish you lots of luck!!  Peace and let us know how things go, okay?
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I'm with a cheap man now..He buys garage sale stuff for presents, He thinks sharing a phone is saving, keeps the thermostat on 90..
He never fixes anything. He hardly showers. He uses the fireplace in the winter. He eats out no more than 8.oo  or less a person. Washes his
stuff maybe every 2 weeks.I understand!
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Too cheap..  I think you are waisting your time.  Are you desperate?
Or what?  Please use your common sense and do not accept this kind of relationship.  Please do better for yourself.
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I met someone while I was self sufficient and unfortunately got a divorce and couldn't find any job/ income comparable to what I could in my home state.  (women usually move out and become independent unlike many men) So after a year or two of using alimony I meet someone who feels "sorry" for me and I tell him "no thanks" I don't want your help. Well being a desperate single mother finally I agree to let me take me to the store shopping. Well, he uses this as an "in" and starts bugging me 24/7. He even wants me to move in with him for "only a couple months" so I keep paying rent on my place while my daughter goes to her father' apartment and I find a minimum wage job b/c California has GOT to be the worst economic disaster in the nation ! So work full time, moved in with him and he proceeds to take over my finances, pays off one of my credit cards I had been using for rent, food, etc. To this day he is cheap and has only gotten WORSE.
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14757565 tn?1438305224
I'd put the brakes on moving in together.  Cover the budget and expenses.  Tell him how it makes you feel when he can't cover minor expenses for you... what is it exactly?  I'd feel not quite worth his little extra expenses if he didn't offer to cover some of the little things without expecting the cash in return, but maybe he doesn't want to "get screwed".  Either way, maybe you aren't at the point of cohabitation.  Its a big step!!!!

A marital counselor once showed me a budget plan.  It wasn't a 50/50 split.  It was a percentage split.  So if he makes 3/4 of the total income, then he pays 75% of expenses and you the other 25%.  As a couple, this is something to be considered.  He shouldn't be expected to pay it all.  Do what works for both of you.

I believe in chivalry, and I probably wouldn't be able to get close to a man holding out his hand every time he picked up the tab.
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I think it depends on the total personality of the guy. I guy with great personality and will treat you better & cheap is okay. But an abusive & cheap guy is a red flag.

Being independent is cool, you know. You are capable of saying “I am funding myself” to other people while the guy you are with feels so small and prolly choking with his ego - cause he is not the guy capable of spending money for his partner. Although it would hurt you too, cause you could be with a guy who literally gives you everything but you are stuck with a cheap man.
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We are both thrifty and I would describe ourselves as “Cheap People” my husband isnt a fan of the word but I guess truth really hurts. We both enjoy sales and bargain bins but our difference is that I am willing to buy expensive gifts for him. He wasn’t the type of guy who will give gifts. For him, birthdays are cards and cakes & anniversaries are about flowers and chocolates. You wont get flowers for both birthday and anniversary.

He is very simple tho, he doesn't collect anything but he likes to eat junk food (I try to collect gemstones, I have eyes for sapphires and rocks, fish tanks and dogs). He spend a lot on unhealthy food like his juices and chocolates. I don’t mind paying our grocery as long as he is happy.

I think you should tell your concerns to your partner. I remember I joked around telling “You got this because it’s the cheapest!” and that how he don’t really buy me anything. He then started sending me food, packages and other things that he believes are needed. However sometimes, since I am thrifty too, he would say "You told me not to spend money!" so I think I am a factor on his cheapness.

He is not the kind of guy who gives a lot of gifts but sure he is reliable. I saw this when we moved to a new apartment and when we took our first dog. Gift giving isnt part of his culture and I perfectly understand that.

I honestly don’t regret being with my cheap husband. We are capable of saving a lot & cutting expenses. However, proceed with caution. Time to time you might find yourself thinking if you are not worth the expensive and fancy items or you are prolly asking and demanding for too much.
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I'm used to being supported by men and have never had to work outside of the home,  I married a man who inhereted over 20 million and he is Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  He refused to support me until we married once we did, he then moved into my modest 3 bedroom home and still does not pay me $$for my bills but bought 200 for groceries and pretended to b on board for a trip to Hawaii, then tells me it's to much $$!! J
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16984957 tn?1452818173
I am 58 and my bf is 54. Pretty much grown up people who supposedly know what to ask from life. He is extremely handsome, energetic, gym freak like myself. We date for two month. I am a lawyer and he has simple jobs. He does not have children and I have two university students. He lives in a small apartment and I have a house. So, my income is big, but the expenses big as well. I hinted him that I am struggling with my bills too. It was a response on his whining about budgeting his life. On the first date he took me for a walk. It was wonderful, but no food or coffee. On the second date, I invited him to my house. Food, drinks,- all possible hospitality on my part. It happened that on a third date it was his birthday and naturally I invited him to a restaurant. I paid our bill and presented him with a $200 gift certificate. Shortly after, it was Christmas and I again presented with a bottle of an expensive wine and a gift certificate. He gave me chocolate and some thing for home worth of not more than $30. I did not complain as I knew he was on a budget. By the way, when we talk, he always brings money into a conversation telling me exactly how much he earns an hour. He does not complain,-quite the opposite, he cheerfully telling me details of his small earnings. The first red flag was on a New Years eve when he took me to buy alcohol "for us" and the next day, when he was going back to his place, he took the bottles with him. I was shocked. The next red flag is the fact that he, until now, has not taken me into any dinner or drinks or dance or movie. I told him that I would want to go to watch some movie and his reply was "I don't like that movie and I would not spend money for that". In a minute, he added "but if you want, we will go". Needless to say that after those words I lost any desire to go with this man to any movie. As I said, I am a lawyer and a mature woman, so I recognize I met my "cheap man". Now I consider my options. To keep him for a while for a great sex? Or to dump him asap? Because I have read lots of articles on this topic and would agree with some psychologists and specialists on relationship that I will miss lots of fun, if continue staying with this man. I already missed my weekly dances at salsa  club and my vacation at Caribbeans because I did not want to pay for both of us. Not because I am cheap, but because I don't want any man would use me for money. I want to be cherished for other qualities. In conclusion, it is my experience that most of my dates were cheap. Could it be that they knew about my profession and assumed that I am well on my own? But I have my children to support and mortgage to pay and other expenses. They don't realize that if they showed in the beginning their generosity, even in a small way, I would have given them much more. Stupid males.  
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RUN GIRL RUN he is a sociopath and they are usually dangerous.
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I learned a long time ago how selfish people who are cheap really are.  My father was the biggest cheapskate alive except when it came to what he wanted.  I dated a trust fund baby in college who never wanted for anything and if he did he would write his rich grandfather.  At one point I got tired of feeling like he was just using me for sex.  I made a big deal out of him taking me on a date so finally he agreed.  We went to a dollar movie which was fine until he rolled up with 98 cents for himself.  I was beyond furious even though he swore it was an accident.  He went to all the trouble to try to make it up to me but the damage was done.  I ended up cheating on him and standing him up in front of all his friends when they went to a fancy dinner then I dumped him.  I met and am currently dating the same guy in a different body I swear.  I make about six figures a year so I am not worried about money.  I understood from the beginning when he bemoaned that he was not making the money he was promised in the new job he was in and was not worried about it.  I have noticed that I now pay for everything.  He will eat before he comes to see me god forbid he is expected to chip in for food since I cook all the time.  I finally figured it out as he was never hungry and I was starving but he's skinny so he can always eat so it took me a while.  Christmas was the real tipping point.  We were invited to my sisters for the holiday and he was coming with me.  He had a dog that required boarding so it was a little expensive for him to come.  Knowing he did not have money I knew my sister would get him something and I did not want to be embarrassed so I got him a $25 gift certificate to give to her which he gladly accepted.  I am generally very generous on holidays as I do not have kids.  I adopt a few families every year and spoil my family and friends.  Christmas came, I really didn't expect a lot but I really did not expect NOTHING.  No card, no handwritten coupons for sex...NOTHING!!!  The next day after Christmas we went out shopping and looking around.  We went to this awesome outdoor garden center that had nice ornaments etc.  I made him feel guilty about my Christmas ornament he broke so he bought one to replace it.  I also had my eye on a $20 planter that was an Owl and so I bought it knowing he did not have a lot of money I did not expect anything.  Imagine my surprise when we went by the ABC store to get some Christmas cheer and he bought himself a nice bottle of scotch.  What a SLAP IN THE FACE.  I got him a laptop among other things for Christmas but his lack of consideration is all I got for Christmas.  I have figured out that cheap men are selfish and thoughtless men as well generally.  You will never change someone who has no thought or consideration.  I stayed with him after that unbelievably and he continues to leave the toilet seat up at my place even though he does not do that at his place.  He leaves his dishes on the coffee table and any thing he drinks I can see the trail behind him.  Any good movies he only rents when I am out of town then when I am trying to find a good movie for us to watch he has seen them all.  When we go out I pay he never even reaches for his wallet.  I took us out to eat with a friend of mine who really is broke and asked him to leave a tip and I got the response " all I have is my card"  After reading the responses of the women above I have come to the decision that I am going to dump him.  I don't want to have a life or a relationship with someone who does not value or respect me.  If I put up with his crappy cheapskate ways it is my fault so I am going to run for the hills. My father is the biggest cheapskate and sociopath around and maybe since I suffered abuse from him very young I am creating the same dysfunctional relationship that I had with him.  I remember feeling invisible and unimportant as he told everyone I was not his when I was born.  
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I am so thankful for the person who posted the first question.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we have had a lot of issues with money. When I first met him I knew that he was poor. But I didn't know he was cheap and selfish too.He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he had bad experiences with his past ex-girlfriends because they used him to buy things for themselves. I thought that there wouldn't be a problem in this relationship because I don't care about money. I care about people's feelings. Three months in the relationship and I was already feeling taken advantage of. He wasn't taking me out. He just took me to his apartment to watch movies and then have sex. He asked me how much I made in my internship a couple of months ago and I told him that I would rather not tell him and he asked me, "so, you don't trust me?" I said jokingly, "I'm going to be the next bill gates" and he said, so you make a lot of money, "I told him, yeah they paid me really well" "And he insisted again that he wanted to know how much I make. I told him how much I make. I regret telling him this information. The first couple of months when I said, "I feel like having a drink" he would take me to the bottle shop and don't even offer to buy the drink for me. I bought a twelve pack and I brought it to his apartment. He took the first beer and he drank most of it. Even when I went to bed he woke up at midnight and finished most of it. Next weekend he asked me if I wanted a drink and when I said yes he took me to the bottle shop again and the same happened. When I confronted him about this he said that he was gonna make up for it. And he did. Next time he bought the drinks for us. But it didn't stop there. He barely took me out on dates. When I asked him why he started to take me out more often. But he always had to ruin our dates by being short on money, counting money before paying or asking me for $5. I wasn't used to this I grew up in a traditional family. My father always provided for our family, he never said no to anything. If we wanted to go out we would, if we  were craving something he would get it for us. Even in my past relationships. I had very romantic boyfriends. They would buy gifts for me unexpectedly. They would always try to surprise me, even when I had poor boyfriends. My first boyfriend when I was 17 worked in a bakery and in his first payment he got me a gold bracelet. I had a boyfriend when I was 18 who worked two jobs and never complained about giving me anything. He was always happy. We were about to break up when we were 3 months together. I told him that I wanted something else for my life. I told him that I had dreams and aspirations and one of those dreams was to not go through financial difficulties. He promised me that he would provide for me when we got married. He said that he will have a good paying job in the future. But come he doesn't even have $1 to buy me chocolates. He is a very rare man. When I say that I am craving something he doesn't even say that he will get it for me. He completely ignores me. I got tired of this s-h-*-t so I broke up with him. There are a lot more things that he has done that have showed me how cheap he is. Also, when I met his family I realized that his dad is the same way. So, "No, I don't want this for my life" Thank you to everyone who shared their stories.
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