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codependent, relationship ended and i am sad
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codependent, relationship ended and i am sad

I guess this post is about co dependency. Nearly 2 weeks ago I  broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year. As I said on an earlier post I am finding it very hard and miss him desperately. I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship, and it was his anger and defensiveness that caused most of the trouble and ultimately the break up. But I have now moved onto thinking ' what part did I play in this relationship?' what could I have done better? overall I think i did pretty well- I was not perfect but I think i did pretty good.. but, I know I became quite vulnerable at the end. I really wanted us to work -and it wasnt working, and he would not do anything positive to make it better- eg therapy.( I did go to therapy though at the end .. i went to help me, and 'us', but also with the hope that if i could tell my bf that i have been to see the therapist and the therapist was was nice and helpful etc then maybe it would be not so scary for my bf to attend. But bf still refused to go. He said (as he had always said, that he went to therapist for his previous relationship and it didnt work and he is not going again ). but I guess i am so hurt by this- its like he was not prepared to do anything positive to fix our problems)... so I guess now I am thinking that my neediness (   codependency?) at the end of the relationship may have made him even more defensive and angry- and contributed to the break up.

I do see a pattern here- with my previous (5 years ago)  bf it all went well until the end when trouble started and  then i became needy, saw a therapist right at the end- and we broke up. And now this bf it happened the same- trouble started, i became needy i went to see a therapist just before the end- and we broke up.  so 1. I am a common denominator in both relationships and 2 .I am quite successful in relationships, can express my opinions, am quite confident etc- until the relationship hits trouble- then i become needy ! 3. I feel so upset by the fact that it would be great to be able to work on my codependency when i was in a relationship- not after - it just feels like whats the point in trying to fix something now that the relationship has ended?- its pointless. but i do see I have codependency issues that appear when the relationship hit trouble. But If I could work on my issues while in a relationship ( thats going ok) then there is a chance of making things better, but now we have broken up I cant. I feel I have been here before, its a pattern.  It really really makes me sad.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, one of the good things (there is always good with bad, right?) about the end of a relationship is that it does give us a wonderful opportunity to reflect and look inside of ourselves.  

Now, I will tell you that most of your first paragraph was going well until you got to the pat that at the end of the relationship with the man that had anger and rage issues that it was perhaps you that was needy and caused the relationship to end because of that.  That is dysfunctional thinking.  You should love yourself enough to think instead--------- hey, I do NOT want to tether my life to a guy that flies of the handle!!  While your mind is now playing tricks on you to say he wasn't that bad-------- he was NOT a good match for you and your life never would have been happy with him.  That is what you have to think of.  You made an escape from a man that did not handle frustration/anger like an adult but instead had tantrums like a child.

So, I wholeheartedly agree that your statement indicates codependent thinking.  I was thinking that you ended this relationship but from that paragraph now wonder if he did not end up ending it.  You really need to want better for yourself.  Remember, we date in order to find out about someone and to see if the relationship should progress to the next level.  You should say "oh no"   "this man exhibits a high level of anger and has rages, I better move along because I don't want to live with that."  THAT is healthy thinking.  If you did break up, I applaud you.  And don't get me wrong, when we love someone . . . and break up, even if it is for the best, it still hurts.

And you are absolutely right.  This pattern repeats.  It is in your subconscious now and you are going to have to make efforts to solve the issue.  I'm guessing the relationship with your ex was not as rosy as you say in that our mind can change history.  I bet these two men had some things in common.  I could be wrong, but often when we have relationship trouble-------  our partner will prove to have similar qualities.

I think you need to continue with your therapist and sort this out.  I'd focus on looking at this type of man and why you are attracted to them.  I'd look at how you can be stronger and instead of beating yourself up when a situation could not be resolved in a relationship to accept that not every relationship is suppose to last forever.  Your getting upset at the end is not unusual.  But your clinging to something that isn't great is.  Maybe you can also learn how to handle conflict in the relationships better as you indicate that when there is trouble ------ you become over needy.  (that is the clinging to the bad that I was talking about).  

You should not want to make things better with a  man that has anger issues and has had them in the past with other girlfriends and now says he refuses all help for it.  You do not want this man.  This is dysfunctional thinking.  This is something for you to address and work on.

Don't feel bad---------  we are ALL a work in progress.  It is good that you are looking within to understand.  But I'd switch the slant of your thinking to a degree or you'll wind up in this same boat again.  I know it is hard hon.  Hang in there and hopefully with some time and therapy you can move on.  Then you can  find a great match for yourself and  happiness.  good luck
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Dear Specialmom, Thank you for your good and kind advice. You responded to this post and my earlier one too. I am still thinking about what you wrote.  To answer your comment... I broke it off with him-sort of... I went to his house with a letter I had written and started to read it to him. In it I said  basically that ' I love you, want to be with you but I need you to act like you care for me. I feel you are trying to sabotage our relationship. You have said previously that you are trying to push me away. If you need some space to decide what you need then ok, but this cant go on because I am so unhappy so if you are not going to act like a boyfriend should then I am sorry I will have to break up with you which really hurts me to do because I love you'.
I read him the letter, got up to the' sabotage' line, and he interrupted and said 'I am not trying to do that at all, its the last thing I want ' then after a bit more discussion he said ' I think we should break up ' and i said 'yes'.

Today I still dont have any answers to what I am going to do, but my head feels so much clearer and I have not cried in a couple of days so thats a good thing.
My ex contacted me today via text regarding a financial matter that we needed to resolve. He was still angry !... its been 2 weeks to the day we broke up. I would have liked ( and hoped) that he would at least be friendly by text- but he wasnt. That hurts. I would love if it he said he would like to see me or talk to me - or something! I would like to call him- but on the other hand if he was still angry in his text today he probably wont give me the kindness I am wanting and be defensive and angry. I think that I would still be making all the effort but again he probably would not meet me halfway. I have to realize its something he probably is not capable of doing or does not want to ( but I dont know why).
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973741_tn?1342346373
Okay, I'm going to tell it to you straight.  You asked about codependency.  Yes.  You are codependent and not looking out for yourself very well.  I'm sure this man has good qualities too but the ones you describe are enough to WANT to end the relationship-------- for good.  You do not have kids, you were not married . . . so, if a man has anger issues, you need to take care of yourself and want better for your life!!  If you do not, that is codependent.  

An unhealthy person will stay in a relationship with a volatile man.  They'll take it.  They'll internalize it.  They'll try to figure out their part in it.  They'll tell themselves all the good things about that person.  They'll think about what it is like with them while forgetting the rage they saw when with them.  A healthy person walks away.  

I'm afraid for you and the way you are thinking.  I know that you say you see a therapist.  Set up an appt.  Discuss why you are willing to  put up with a man that is easily angered and makes you his target.  Discuss your past relationship and how the men had things in common and your reaction to dysfunction is to cling to it.  YOu have to sort that our or you will fall into this pattern again and I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.  You can never fully be happy in a destructive relationship.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am being tough on you.  I know you are hurting and this is still new and fresh.  But you asked an important question.  Yes, you are codependent with a man not worthy of your efforts.  If you go back with him------- it will be the same thing again.   You have to want better for yourself.  Go talk to your therapist as to why you don't.  I wish you lots of luck and peace in your heart.
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Thank you for writing back. I appreciate it.
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