college split up - gay closet relatioship/ex

[youngguy800]

hey this might be kinda long and messed up so im sorry yall... soo im a 19 year old closeted gay male from a religious conservative upbringing.. i think ive actually posted on here before but im back. i have had 3 bad/hard relationships (if you could call them that) in a row... the first guy was basically a hook up buddy.. i wanted more and tried to make it more but i finally realized thats all this guy had to offer so i cut him off more or less (and also felt extremely dirty like i had an std or something got tested and had a lot anxiety and all).. so i got online to meet another guy (cuz i didnt know any other way).. bad decision being curious and hoping i could just find out what it was like then no longer have to be gay.. we kinda rushed into things with sex and all. he is 23 and we will call him chase. i feel hard. too too hard. he on the other hand tried to keep up walls (which i found out a lil too late) but feel for me too and this scared him (which now i understand why). he tried to end it once but we fell back into talking etc etc.. untill we finally put a title to it and then next thing i know he got scared again and broke it off bc i was going away to college (about 3.5 hours away) and he also has alot of trouble accepting being gay and wants to be straight so bad trying to date girls and it kills him (and me)... (this is where things get complicated). we kept talking.. trying to be "friends". well throughout our relationship he leaked in more and more about his past relationship with a guy (we will call him jared) until finally it comes down to they broke up 2 weeks before we got together and they left their gfs for eachother not 2 years ago and that left him for a girl.. AND that they have already signed a lease to move in together at an appt back home but they are just friends bc they had been friends for awhile before they started dating but they cant break the lease for money reasons blah blah.. wtf... well chase told me and jared both how he wasnt goin to be with either of us again cuz he couldn be gay yadda yadda.. so one night me and jared stupidly/drunkinly hooked up and i felt terrible and told chase but he suggested we try a relationship if thats what we want. i didnt like the idea but jared was nice saying the right things always there and he could do the long distance from college and listening to me sob while my heart broke over chase etc. and and also jared tells me he and chase had sex while me and chase were on a break and the night afer we broke up but chase tells us both he didnt remeber that time cuz he was black out drunk and that the other time was a mistake cuz jared was crying.. well ouch. ouch ouch... so eventually i started giving jared a chance and cut chase off telling him i hated him he hurt me etc.. but hearing them both tell me and eachother how them two would never be together blah i was dumb and listened... anyways chase took his word back and said he couldn handle seeing us together and so jared told me we could only be friends.. cuz he and chase need to get along since they live together.. well i call chase to tell him i hate him even more etc only to find out jared lied to the both of us and was saying the same things to chase basically taking advantage of the face both of us were heartbroken and starting things back up with chase whom i wasnt talking to at the time.. they had sex twice. ouch ouch... well basically where this whole thing leaves off is me and chase talk now but niether of us have any respect for jared. yet they still live together so my trust is pretty much non existent at this point at least until the lease is up.. but chase tells me how he wants to start over and put the past behind and be friends and he is sorry he hurt me and just wants to start building his trust back with me.. well i still love chase alot and i shouldn and i hate it.. yet we still say we couldn really be together bc the college distance and he is busy in med school and our relationship is a secret cuz we are gay which makes it to hard.. but after everything im a wreck. i still love chase and realize jared was just something to keep my mind off chase which was nice but it was all a lie anyways so i never want to talk to him again.. i hate to see chase this hurt over everything. he tells me how he is so sorry he was too scared to be with me with the distance and it with jared there sweet talkin he fell for it and the close comfort but now once again realizes why he broke up with jared in the first place bc he lies and manipulates..  but it all comes down to this.. me and chase have started talkin alot again.. i realize how much i miss him and how hard it is and then what we've been through... but.. should i cut chase off too? its harddd. should i just try to be his friend which is just as hard? more again but slowly/quickly? with the distance? consider going to school back home? idk.. i wish it could just be the way it was before jared and before i left for school or that none of it ever happened... im just miserable i cant concentrate and i have no faith or trust in myself or ever finding a real gay but healthy relationship.. or spiritual faith bc i hate myself for being this way. like i'll land in hell. it would be easier if i wasnt.. i cant give this place (college) a shot cuz my heart (or whats left of it) is still back home.. i cry alot and its hard to get stuff done or make friends... it sucksss. if ya actually read all that thanks

[imanaddict]

It's human nature to want what we can't have. I think you should go explore other relationships and make new friends at school and forget about  Chase and Jared. Chase has issues with his sexuality and probably will forever. That means you will struggle constantly to be his number 1. What kind of relationship is that? Your "first" is ALWAYS the hardest to let go. You will never forget your "first" either. There are other men out there that want the same things you do out of life and aren't afraid to admit who they are (gay). When you love someone no one else's opinions matter. Do your best to focus on the future and don't dwell on the past. What's done is done, learn from it and move on.

I wish you the best!

[Lucey12]

Dont hate yourself for being this way. Thats like me hating myself for having green eyes. Its who you are, make the best of it. Ive known some gay guys who also have trouble finding a guy they really like. This one guy Cole doesnt like teh flaming gay guys, he said he wasnt a guy who happens to be gay. He doesnt like the girly gay guys (his words not mine).

You are going away. 3 something hours away... Can you really trust Chase when he lives with Jared when hes goofed around with him behind your back before? I think it will lead to more heart break for you. If I were in your shoes, as hard as it would be, I think the best thing would be to go to college and start over new. Forget about Chase and Jared, you can find better. Dont settle for what you dont want.

[youngguy800]

thanks all... i know thats what i need to do as much as i cant just accept it... the thing is chase does love me (or so he says) its just we couldn be together bc the distance is too hard with the way we feel about eachother and he wishes everyday it were different (to the point i wish i could just go to school back home sometimes and maybe i could try to transfer my scholarship and if education goes wrong or i have to chose another career he will be a doctor right.. ughh) hearing myself say this stuff makes me realize how riduculous it sounds.. we have tried to cut eachother off but someone always breaks down or we check on the other to make sure they are ok etc etc (he has my number memorized and they live right next to my house back home)... im done with jared thats easy he was just there at the right time and took advantage of that from me and from chase.. and he still lives with chase which kills me and makes it so much harder to walk away and wonder etc... i just hate to see chase cry/upset and reach out for help bc i want to give it to him but it kills me to know we could have more if things were different. i want him to be ok too...

its definately the hardest thing that i wasnt prepared for at all... i should have never rushed into this or sex.. i should of walked away sooner. it just couldn have it at any worse of a time bc im all the sudden up here tryin to take care of myself away from home for the first time etc.. and not to mention i cant talk to anyone about it. no one knows how miserable i am. i see all my old friends branching off and i just cant enjoy myself bc i hate this place right now..

thanks for all your support (which i cant get from anyone else cuz im trapped in the closet and scared like a lil wussy) i just need to stop being so dramatic and do this...

and esp thanks to you megan for your kind words (I cried).. i am also catholic and your right the whole thing really beats me down to feel unwelcomed in church and like i dont deserve the eucharist anymore ever again. my own mother is involved in an active anti-gay group that boycotts anything that supports anything homo.. but i am gonna get counseling and i will just have to try and keep my chin up, let go, and move foward.

[megochick101]

I agree with all of the above posters. I would definitly cut all ties with chase and jared. Do not talk to either one of them. Even though chase may really want to be friends with you again, it's never going to be enough for you as you love him and it'll only be worse in the end. Since you do feel so strongly about chase, and he only wants to be friends, it isn't going to work for you. Just stop all contact, no emails, messages, call nothing. I know it'll be hard but you are going to need to create some space between you and chase, that's the only way you will ever be able to move on. And I would be completely honest with chase. Tell him you can't be friends because you love him and since he doesn't want a real relationship you can no longer talk to him because you need to move on with your life. Focusing on school is the best thing you can do for yourself right now, Chase may seem like the one for you but there are many many fish in the sea as the saying goes. And one day you will find that one man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and will be proud to be with you.

I also come from a pretty strict religious upbringing(catholic) so I can completely understand why you feel the need to keep your sexuality quiet. But i just want to tell you this, I for one do not believe anyone can choose who they love and who they are attracted to, be it the same sex or the opposite sex or both, and i think you need to look into yourself and realize that this is the way you are, there's no way to change it and you need to accept it and be proud of yourself and love yourself for who you are! Every person regardless if they are straight, gay or bisexual deserves to be loved, respected and honored for who they are! Sorry for all that but you sound like you have very low self esteem and self confidence in your post, and I would suggest some individual therapy to help you with self esteem and confidence and help you realize all I've said in the above paragraph.

Wish you all the best! :) Megan

[jo929]

No matter what, you have to back off awile, and get your thinking cap on how are you going to make a living without an education get your education then think on these other love problems who supports you you parents, you need to concentrate on other things first then your love life next as you are to young to really know what you want just now also to emotional   luck jo

[heatherlynn22]

i agree with mommy2reilly....you need to just take a break from them. don't talk to them, text them, im them or email them. focus on YOU. let your heart mend. focus on school. when the time is right you will meet the right person. you're still young. both of them have lied to you, cheated on you and have broken that trust. that is a HARD thing to get back.

be strong! don't cave into them! you'll be ok!

[Mommy2Reilly]

I think you should just take a little break from all of this and think it through before jumping back into a relationship with chase. You have way too much drama going on that might be effecting your judgment. Concentrate on school for a little while and give yourself time to get your head back together. What you are putting yourslef thru is not healthy...you are only 19 and have a long road ahead of you. You have been jerked around by these 2 enough don't you think? I know you feel that your heart is broken but it will pass. If chase felt scared before, what makes you think that he is any better now?  You really need to get away from all of this and what better way to do it than focus on school 3.5 hours away. Good luck