Aa
confused---not in love
Hi..not sure where to start.....I have been married for YEARS and have been growing apart emotionally from my husband for a while.Just recently this came to the surface between he and i and separated for a very short time. We have gotten back together but he knows I have fallen out of love with him. He wants everything the way they used to be, but for some strange reason I am having a very difficult time doing that.What is wrong with me.
He has become really clingy to me and I am afraid that is pushing me farther and farther away. He is a great man..and father! Please help me try to understand what is happening to me!
He has become really clingy to me and I am afraid that is pushing me farther and farther away. He is a great man..and father! Please help me try to understand what is happening to me!
Thanks Sparkeler - you are so sweet! I like what you said about marriage having seasons. Giddychic I think this brings it back full circle to your original post and the advice from the others. No matter who you marry it takes work. It has too with all the stress in our lives these days. My husband has a high level job with a Wall Street firm and while that has its advantages it also brings stress and insane hours to the table. That was our winter!! But we never thought of leaving; rather we worked together on building a balance. So while he does have his crazy days, I will often come home on a Saturday after running errands and find a beautiful candle lite dinner with rose petals. (his friends at work would tease him if they knew). And he comes home to find that maybe I did something special for him in my extra time or picked up some of that wine we shared the night he was smart enough to propose :-)! We also take time to go for a walk / hike, go away, watch a movie and sit on the deck and just talk. I had a friend read the following at our wedding. I apologize as this will be long but it really says what love is...
Love is looking out in the same direction, It is linking our strength to pull a common load. It is pushing together towards the far horizons, hand in hand.
Love is knowing that when our strength falters, we can borrow the strength from someone who cares. Love is a strange awareness that our sorrows will be shared and made lighter by sharing, that joys wll be enriched and multiplied by the joy of one another.
Love is knowing someone cares that we are not alone in life.
To me that is not just love, it is marriage. My ex and I did not have the foundation to build that.
Love is looking out in the same direction, It is linking our strength to pull a common load. It is pushing together towards the far horizons, hand in hand.
Love is knowing that when our strength falters, we can borrow the strength from someone who cares. Love is a strange awareness that our sorrows will be shared and made lighter by sharing, that joys wll be enriched and multiplied by the joy of one another.
Love is knowing someone cares that we are not alone in life.
To me that is not just love, it is marriage. My ex and I did not have the foundation to build that.
I am so happy for you! I'm happy b/c you are truly happy & I bet your daughter is too. I never blamed my parents for how they handled their siuation. That certainly is alot of peoples take on marriage; Stay for the kids. Some people like to fool themselves. Maybe they think they are being noble. But I look at it as a double standard. I don't feel that marriage is about the kids. It's about the commitment two people make to eachother with or without kids. So the concept of marriage should be just as valuable if a couple didn't have children. But somehow Kalio & Rockrose dont believe that. Kids don't strengthen a marriage or make two people fall deeper in love. Kids should never be a reason two people get married or stay married. It will never work, otherwise.
I'm in a relationship. We have problems, my feelings change from time to time. But I still love him. I would never consider leaving him at this point & I'm sure (at least I hope) he doesn't want to leave me. I understand that relationships are like seasons. They are constantly changing. But that desire for one another has to be their even in the winter season i.e. when things get cold & dark. If that desire ever goes away in either me or him, then their is nothing left. You can't have a relationship with someone who lost the desire to be in one. Kids can't keep that desire. And I'm surprised people haven't learned that by now.
If you stay for the kids, I gauruntee one person in the marriage is gettting some on the side. Thats my take on that.
I'm in a relationship. We have problems, my feelings change from time to time. But I still love him. I would never consider leaving him at this point & I'm sure (at least I hope) he doesn't want to leave me. I understand that relationships are like seasons. They are constantly changing. But that desire for one another has to be their even in the winter season i.e. when things get cold & dark. If that desire ever goes away in either me or him, then their is nothing left. You can't have a relationship with someone who lost the desire to be in one. Kids can't keep that desire. And I'm surprised people haven't learned that by now.
If you stay for the kids, I gauruntee one person in the marriage is gettting some on the side. Thats my take on that.
I've read these posts ever since my husband and I were thinking of having a baby and I started looking at one of the other forums. This is one time I have to comment though it is only my opinion.
I was married to my daughter's dad for 16 years and the last 8 years were for her sake. The more we stayed together the more we really did not even like each other. I had a best friend that I knew loved me and I knew I loved but I was NOT going anywhere until she was 18 - period! My ex husband and I agreed we'd stay together till then for her. She once said that she would never get married because married people do not like each other. I was shocked as I thought we were hiding our feelings from her. She was only about 10 at the time. Then my friend was supposed to go to a conference at the World Trade Center on 9/11 though he changed it due to a timing conflict for work. We both worked together and we watched the towers come down. I sat there and thought - no matter who you are - we all share one thing - there is no guarantee for tomorrow. I contacted my lawyer and spoke to my ex. He was against it at first. Five years later I am married to my best friend and my daughter was my Maid of Honor. Ironically my ex and I get along great because that pressure is off. We'll always love each other but we are not in love. I explained to my daughter that she loves pizza and Hershey syrup - but would she pour Hershey syrup on her pizza?? No because even two great things sometimes do not go together (like Mommy & Daddy). She now knows what marriage should be and she is in a very happy home. My ex is remarried to a lovely lady and as for me - I'm with my best friend. The one I can play with, set goals with and the only one I want to grow old with. I am not saying that is the right choice for everyone but I can certainly see your point. I just thought I was being this great mother while you are right I should have left sooner.
I was married to my daughter's dad for 16 years and the last 8 years were for her sake. The more we stayed together the more we really did not even like each other. I had a best friend that I knew loved me and I knew I loved but I was NOT going anywhere until she was 18 - period! My ex husband and I agreed we'd stay together till then for her. She once said that she would never get married because married people do not like each other. I was shocked as I thought we were hiding our feelings from her. She was only about 10 at the time. Then my friend was supposed to go to a conference at the World Trade Center on 9/11 though he changed it due to a timing conflict for work. We both worked together and we watched the towers come down. I sat there and thought - no matter who you are - we all share one thing - there is no guarantee for tomorrow. I contacted my lawyer and spoke to my ex. He was against it at first. Five years later I am married to my best friend and my daughter was my Maid of Honor. Ironically my ex and I get along great because that pressure is off. We'll always love each other but we are not in love. I explained to my daughter that she loves pizza and Hershey syrup - but would she pour Hershey syrup on her pizza?? No because even two great things sometimes do not go together (like Mommy & Daddy). She now knows what marriage should be and she is in a very happy home. My ex is remarried to a lovely lady and as for me - I'm with my best friend. The one I can play with, set goals with and the only one I want to grow old with. I am not saying that is the right choice for everyone but I can certainly see your point. I just thought I was being this great mother while you are right I should have left sooner.
My point is not to stay together for the children. I'm not blaming my parents. What's done is done. I've moved on. You shouldn't stay with somebody for anyone else but yourself.
I feel this way because I'm from a broken home. I suffered through 18 years of my parents 'trying to make it work.' In the end it was just 10 extra years of psychological damage that could have been prevented. I have had to work on my relationships b/c of learned behavior. I've had a hard time with the concept of love. I asked my parents why they stayed for so long in an unhappy marriage. It was because of us girls. In the end, they did us girls more harm then good. To think I could have ten more years of peace & quiet rather then playing the referee in their screaming matches & continuing to witness a loveless marriage. I'm not saying that any marriage is perfect. Marriage does take work. But saving a marriage for the kids sake should not be the only reason. Kids are stronger than you think. They can handle divorce. A marriage should be saved because both really feel like it's worth saving. If my husband told me he didn't love me, I wouldn't want to stay. I would give him all the space he needed to figure out what it is he truly wanted.
It could have been if they had split up you'd have relationship problems anyway but would blame it on them splitting up rather than staying together. Blaming our parents for what is going wrong in our lives does nothing to improve the situation or to empower you to change your life. No matter what has happened in the past, it is OVER, what is done is done. There is no going back and redoing it. They did what they thought was the BEST THING for you and it didn't work but blaming them or your past for your current problems doesn't solve anything, it just keeps you stuck with a mindset that you are destined to suffer the same fate in your own relationships. I hope you can see that they did what they did out of trying to do "the right thing" and out of their love for you, as wrong as that turned out. Our parents are only human, they muddle through just like all of us.
Blaming parents for your issues keeps you stuck and disempowered and not taking responsibility for what is happening in your life and your relationships that has nothing to do with your parents. Best to accept that they made decisions that turned out badly and decide not to allow that in your own life. It isn't required that you go on to have bad relationships because your parents had a bad relationship, you can learn from your past what NOT to do in your life too. Sounds like your parents taught you a lot about what NOT to do. If they had made the opposite decision and split up that could have had a negative impact on you too.
Blaming parents for your issues keeps you stuck and disempowered and not taking responsibility for what is happening in your life and your relationships that has nothing to do with your parents. Best to accept that they made decisions that turned out badly and decide not to allow that in your own life. It isn't required that you go on to have bad relationships because your parents had a bad relationship, you can learn from your past what NOT to do in your life too. Sounds like your parents taught you a lot about what NOT to do. If they had made the opposite decision and split up that could have had a negative impact on you too.
Try counselling before you end the marriage. Believe me, you do not want to out dating..... not many nice unattached guys once you hit a certain age.
Maybe you are going through the "is that all there is?" syndrome, which happens in long term marriages. That hits everyone at some point. Marriages need work on the part of both partners to keep it alive and exciting and thriving. Life distracts us and our marriages suffer. We are so busy with work, kids, etc. the marriage gets short shrift. Believe me, you can find renewed energy and love for one another if you both work at it with a really good marriage counselor. I know, I've been married nearly 30 years. Some years were awful, some great, some thrilling and loving, some not. You need to get back to making the marriage NUMBER ONE and everything else comes after that.
You sound like you have lots of doubts and misgivings and mixed up feelings. One motto I live by is "when in doubt, DON'T" meaning don't do anything rash, don't divorce or leave or start up an affair, nothing drastic. Get some good books on long term marriage, Im sure you will find lots of things to relate to there.
Sort through all of this before you end the marriage or start something new. Maybe separation might be considered, but that can add other problems, money issues, isuses with the kids, etc.
There are some GREAT books around to help couples through this type of thing. His "clingy" behavior is just him trying to show you how much he wants it to work,plus it sounds like he is afraid and doesn't know what to do other than try to demonstrate to you his love. It also sounds like you aren't even sure how you feel, so how is he suppossed to know how you feel?
Try to think of how you would feel if the tables were turned and you were in his shoes and he in yours. You might be acting out in a "clingy" way too, you'd probabaly be devastated too. You, your husband and the kids all deserve some good marriage and family counselling to see if you can get past this phase and reclaim your love for each other and your marriage. All is not lost.
I don't know you at all but I suspect you love your husband and kids very much and I also suspect a lot of your issues are withing YOU and have nothing to do with the kids or him but it is really hard to sort that out when you are married. We tend to think it's the marriage when it might not be that at all. Women tend to put everyone and everything first in our lives but at different junctures we have to shake things up so it works better for us. I think that is where you are right now. You need change.
Find a really good counselor.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best.
You sound like you have lots of doubts and misgivings and mixed up feelings. One motto I live by is "when in doubt, DON'T" meaning don't do anything rash, don't divorce or leave or start up an affair, nothing drastic. Get some good books on long term marriage, Im sure you will find lots of things to relate to there.
Sort through all of this before you end the marriage or start something new. Maybe separation might be considered, but that can add other problems, money issues, isuses with the kids, etc.
There are some GREAT books around to help couples through this type of thing. His "clingy" behavior is just him trying to show you how much he wants it to work,plus it sounds like he is afraid and doesn't know what to do other than try to demonstrate to you his love. It also sounds like you aren't even sure how you feel, so how is he suppossed to know how you feel?
Try to think of how you would feel if the tables were turned and you were in his shoes and he in yours. You might be acting out in a "clingy" way too, you'd probabaly be devastated too. You, your husband and the kids all deserve some good marriage and family counselling to see if you can get past this phase and reclaim your love for each other and your marriage. All is not lost.
I don't know you at all but I suspect you love your husband and kids very much and I also suspect a lot of your issues are withing YOU and have nothing to do with the kids or him but it is really hard to sort that out when you are married. We tend to think it's the marriage when it might not be that at all. Women tend to put everyone and everything first in our lives but at different junctures we have to shake things up so it works better for us. I think that is where you are right now. You need change.
Find a really good counselor.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best.
I really don't understand how you can feel that way, that this isn't worth working very hard to save.
If there were no kids involved, I'd say hey, leave whenever you want.
A parent owes it to the child to stay in a marriage, provided there is nothing wrong with the other spouse that makes life intolerable.
She describes him as a nice man, and a good father, she just has kind of lost interest.
Mothers in that situation owe it to the children to work to regain those feelings, or live without them.
In my opinion, of course. What's the purpose of marriage otherwise?
If there were no kids involved, I'd say hey, leave whenever you want.
A parent owes it to the child to stay in a marriage, provided there is nothing wrong with the other spouse that makes life intolerable.
She describes him as a nice man, and a good father, she just has kind of lost interest.
Mothers in that situation owe it to the children to work to regain those feelings, or live without them.
In my opinion, of course. What's the purpose of marriage otherwise?
People & feelings change. Happily ever after is not for everyone, so don't let anyone make you feel like your throwing something away. Have you tried counseling? Do you feel like your marriage is worth saving at this point? I think you reconciled too soon & should stay separated until A, you realize it's time for a change & beng apart is better or B, you will miss him & want to be with him. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who lost interest in me. It's best if you figure this out so you both can get on with your lives. All the best!
I have not thrown anything away.....and no I am sure he does not have the same "hots" for me as he used to...but I am the type that when something is not right...I try to fix it and that is what I am doing on this forum...to get insight from people who may be going through some of the same issues as I. If I was throwing something away i would have done it LONG ago!
Giddy - did you think when you married him that you'd always have that "crazy in love" feeling for him? That like, you'd blush when he came into the room all your life, like you did at first?
Sounds like you're throwing away a really, really nice guy because you're going through what everyone goes through. I doubt he has the same hots for you as he did the first time you had sex together, but he's dealing with it okay.
Hope you somehow turn this around. Best wishes.
Sounds like you're throwing away a really, really nice guy because you're going through what everyone goes through. I doubt he has the same hots for you as he did the first time you had sex together, but he's dealing with it okay.
Hope you somehow turn this around. Best wishes.
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