Aa
confused
I've been married for 6 1/2 years now. I married when I was 18 my husband was 20. never believed and still don't believe that we were too young. I love my husband very much, but am very worried about his behavior or lack there of. We were friends before we started dating we joked and told each other many things without fear. Now I have problems telling him how I feel I don't even know how to have a real conversation with him because he doesn't join in enough for a full conversation. He tells me the things that upset him ie: messy living room ( messy could be the babies boppy on the floor and nothing else). I do everything I can to make him happy cook, clean, wear nice clothes, make sure my hair is nice and neat. But still with all the effort I believe I'm putting in he still barely talks to me or touches me. there's definitely minimal contact which makes me feel rejected and alone. He's even told me that he has a hard time coming home when that house is a mess, and I did let him know that saying that was very hurtful especially when all that I do is just to make him happy. I wrote him a letter explaining my loneliness and my wanting intimacy from him but he only had short lived change from that.
What can I do I'm just so lost.
What can I do I'm just so lost.
One think I think is worth mentioning here is the fact that before baby, you had each others undivided attention. When baby comes along a lot of times the father feels replaced and tho they wont admit it because it sounds so childish, sometimes they are jealous of the baby taking up so much of the time with mom. Sort of like having an older child and then a baby comes along? Even tho he loves the child with all his heart he has lost something because of its arrival. I would start by choosing a date night once a month and have a sitter so just the two of you can spend time concentrating on each other only. Build him up ( men have big ego's), reassure him that he is number one with you. Men rarely admit that they experience these feelings, but they do. They think it makes them less of a man and with mom being so busy with the little one they start resenting it and feeling like their only purpose in life is to provide a paycheck and take care of everyone financially. Dont accuse him of being jealous but approach the situation as if that is the reality and watch what happens. We all have an inner child and I think his is acting out and that would explain why he cannot talk to you about it. He is ashamed he feels that way.
definitely not offended. I gladly take advice from women who have done it all before me. I do ask him to help. he does clean just not as constantly as I do. And I'm still working on my voice in any relationship. The way I was brought up was very confusing I was to be an independent woman but yet be under those who were closest to me. So speaking up is not my forte, but it is something I'm working on and will be working on for the rest of my life, I think.
Again thanks for the advice.
Again thanks for the advice.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm so glad you had a fun "date" with your husband! More of those will definately help the situation. As I said, many couples lose a bit of their romantic connection through the joys and busy work of parenting. So you have to make an effort to remain close. Couple time is important.
Now . . . I am going to talk to you like you are my little sister. I have an older sister and this is how she talks to me . . . and has said some of these things.
Even though you are staying at home------- you are to respected. You work 24/7? Does your husband? No. You need breaks and time outs. You should not have to be the sole responsible party for the home and child. Yes, during the work day when he is gone you are. But when he is home, he must help a little. Would it kill him to do a dish once in a while (maybe he does . . . ). Would it kill him clean up as well when you've had a long day of tending to the baby?
Something that I think is very very true and I want you to think about is this-------- we often have the exact kind of husband that we ASK for. If you demand nothing and have no voice in the relationship----------- you will get nothing and have no voice in the relaitonship. I hope that you are helping your husband to be the husband he SHOULD be by asking him to be.
Don't think I don't understand-------- I am a stay at home mom as well. I worked until almost 40 though and am a pretty independent woman. My husband helps as we are a partnership. And he knows if he ever got mad at me for a mess from the kids--------- I'd be mad right back at him.
Big sisterly talk over-------- and please don't let it offend you. I'm just trying to help! good luck and heres to lots more fun dates with hubby!
Now . . . I am going to talk to you like you are my little sister. I have an older sister and this is how she talks to me . . . and has said some of these things.
Even though you are staying at home------- you are to respected. You work 24/7? Does your husband? No. You need breaks and time outs. You should not have to be the sole responsible party for the home and child. Yes, during the work day when he is gone you are. But when he is home, he must help a little. Would it kill him to do a dish once in a while (maybe he does . . . ). Would it kill him clean up as well when you've had a long day of tending to the baby?
Something that I think is very very true and I want you to think about is this-------- we often have the exact kind of husband that we ASK for. If you demand nothing and have no voice in the relationship----------- you will get nothing and have no voice in the relaitonship. I hope that you are helping your husband to be the husband he SHOULD be by asking him to be.
Don't think I don't understand-------- I am a stay at home mom as well. I worked until almost 40 though and am a pretty independent woman. My husband helps as we are a partnership. And he knows if he ever got mad at me for a mess from the kids--------- I'd be mad right back at him.
Big sisterly talk over-------- and please don't let it offend you. I'm just trying to help! good luck and heres to lots more fun dates with hubby!
a little update.
We had a family diner just last night. The three of us had a wonderful time it was the first time we had gone out to eat since even before the baby was born (because of bed rest). We joked and had real full conversations it was a relief. I have been having the house close to spotless the last few days and my hubby has been very happy. To answer a question above yes I do stay at home with the baby and I am her primary care giver 24/7. My husband is more like a playmate for her than anything else he will occasionally change a diaper but makes a fuss before he does it. I will try to make a little time for us once a week for us time even if it's just at home, that sounds like a great idea.
As for the suggestion for a therapist that is very much out of the question. #1. Husband doesn't believe in counseling. #2. they are just too expensive for our situation at the moment. I understand that communication is huge but talking to my husband is like talking to a brick wall as he never looks at you when you are speaking ( this is to anyone not just me) and after the talk if he says he's going to follow through he will but only or a short time then there is a problem all over again.
As for the getting married at 18, I have my opinion and you have yours. I don't regret my past actions at all I lived all that I wanted to live by the time I was 18. I had gone to bars with my mother, gone to parties with friends and sister. I'm not much for alcohol but I did drink (never drunk though). I lived my life and I was ready for more for real life and I'm happy I did. This is the life I wanted and I wouldn't go back or change anything I've done.
Hopefully all my effort along with the suggestions I can try will keep my marriage in a happy place for a long time as I do not believe in divorce. I love my husband and I will always fight for our relationship. Thanks ladies.
P.S. there was no poop on the floor, I think you might be referring to the boppy pillow on the floor. And I breast feed my baby so her poop is pretty nasty.
We had a family diner just last night. The three of us had a wonderful time it was the first time we had gone out to eat since even before the baby was born (because of bed rest). We joked and had real full conversations it was a relief. I have been having the house close to spotless the last few days and my hubby has been very happy. To answer a question above yes I do stay at home with the baby and I am her primary care giver 24/7. My husband is more like a playmate for her than anything else he will occasionally change a diaper but makes a fuss before he does it. I will try to make a little time for us once a week for us time even if it's just at home, that sounds like a great idea.
As for the suggestion for a therapist that is very much out of the question. #1. Husband doesn't believe in counseling. #2. they are just too expensive for our situation at the moment. I understand that communication is huge but talking to my husband is like talking to a brick wall as he never looks at you when you are speaking ( this is to anyone not just me) and after the talk if he says he's going to follow through he will but only or a short time then there is a problem all over again.
As for the getting married at 18, I have my opinion and you have yours. I don't regret my past actions at all I lived all that I wanted to live by the time I was 18. I had gone to bars with my mother, gone to parties with friends and sister. I'm not much for alcohol but I did drink (never drunk though). I lived my life and I was ready for more for real life and I'm happy I did. This is the life I wanted and I wouldn't go back or change anything I've done.
Hopefully all my effort along with the suggestions I can try will keep my marriage in a happy place for a long time as I do not believe in divorce. I love my husband and I will always fight for our relationship. Thanks ladies.
P.S. there was no poop on the floor, I think you might be referring to the boppy pillow on the floor. And I breast feed my baby so her poop is pretty nasty.
It's time to seek a marriage counselor who can get right down to the problems and issues in your relationship.
Here are some "Red Flag's that caught my attention:
* Lack of communication (the foundation of a relationship is trust and communication).
* His concern on coming home to a mess home. Also, baby poop on the floor? Did it
go through the diaper? There is no reason for a baby to poop on the floor, unless he/she
was not wearing a diaper or soiled diaper for some time.
* Lack of attention and intimacy needed for relationship growth.
* Both not meeting each other's needs (this can have future consequences with infidelity).
There can also be many factors and yes, marrying at 18 is very young (my mom married at 18 and was married for 54 yrs until she passed away). Marrying young and taking on the responsibility of finances, clothing, food, bills, household necessities, child's needs, etc., can put a lot of stress to a young couple and my mother regretted not having a youth (friends and an education).
It's time to find the right time to sit down with him and discuss mutual concerns, issues, needs not being met and if he is not open to it, then you will need to seek a marriage counselor who is trained to help couples with relationship issues.
Here are some "Red Flag's that caught my attention:
* Lack of communication (the foundation of a relationship is trust and communication).
* His concern on coming home to a mess home. Also, baby poop on the floor? Did it
go through the diaper? There is no reason for a baby to poop on the floor, unless he/she
was not wearing a diaper or soiled diaper for some time.
* Lack of attention and intimacy needed for relationship growth.
* Both not meeting each other's needs (this can have future consequences with infidelity).
There can also be many factors and yes, marrying at 18 is very young (my mom married at 18 and was married for 54 yrs until she passed away). Marrying young and taking on the responsibility of finances, clothing, food, bills, household necessities, child's needs, etc., can put a lot of stress to a young couple and my mother regretted not having a youth (friends and an education).
It's time to find the right time to sit down with him and discuss mutual concerns, issues, needs not being met and if he is not open to it, then you will need to seek a marriage counselor who is trained to help couples with relationship issues.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Here is what I think . . . you mentioned a little one as in a 'baby'. (I LOVE babies!) Life changes dramatically when a baby comes into the picture. Life at home becomes more 'work' oriented. And let me just say that with a 5 and 6 year old . . . wait until the clutter of toys show up (transformer parts and legos everywhere!) Are you staying at home with the baby?
Some men feel a lot of pressure with children and a wife at home. The financial pressure is a lot and they resent it a little. Their wife spends the majority of time caring for kids and they feel distant from the home life. Couples become disconnected. I think you can work on this. Do you have someone to watch your baby? I would set that up and then plan a date with your man. Go out just the two of you with the idea of enjoying yourselves. Once a week, put the little one to bed and tell him you are going to have some couple time at home. Make it like a mini date at home. As I said, do it once a week.
But above all else, tell him that you'd like to be closer to him. Ask him what he thinks the relationship needs to be closer. Listen carefully to his answer. Is there anyway you can involve a therapist to help you communicate and work through the issues? That would be so helpful.
I hear a kind of desperation in the way you write as if you fear you are losing him. I will encourage you to instead of feeling that way to feel empowered to be yourself. It IS unrealistic to think the house has to be perfect and if I came home to a perfect home . . . I would suspect my husband ignored the kids to get it that way. I also think that if you are a stay at home mom---------- that doesn't mean that you work your "job" 24 hours a day--------- you need breaks and he needs to do his fair share around the house. I'm going to encourage you to not fall into the trap of being a pleaser that can never fully please.
One last thing. I'd like you to put 10 dollars of your grocery money in an envelope every week and hide it away. This is "just in case" money and every woman should have it.
good luck
Some men feel a lot of pressure with children and a wife at home. The financial pressure is a lot and they resent it a little. Their wife spends the majority of time caring for kids and they feel distant from the home life. Couples become disconnected. I think you can work on this. Do you have someone to watch your baby? I would set that up and then plan a date with your man. Go out just the two of you with the idea of enjoying yourselves. Once a week, put the little one to bed and tell him you are going to have some couple time at home. Make it like a mini date at home. As I said, do it once a week.
But above all else, tell him that you'd like to be closer to him. Ask him what he thinks the relationship needs to be closer. Listen carefully to his answer. Is there anyway you can involve a therapist to help you communicate and work through the issues? That would be so helpful.
I hear a kind of desperation in the way you write as if you fear you are losing him. I will encourage you to instead of feeling that way to feel empowered to be yourself. It IS unrealistic to think the house has to be perfect and if I came home to a perfect home . . . I would suspect my husband ignored the kids to get it that way. I also think that if you are a stay at home mom---------- that doesn't mean that you work your "job" 24 hours a day--------- you need breaks and he needs to do his fair share around the house. I'm going to encourage you to not fall into the trap of being a pleaser that can never fully please.
One last thing. I'd like you to put 10 dollars of your grocery money in an envelope every week and hide it away. This is "just in case" money and every woman should have it.
good luck
thanks for your advice. I love this man to death he's the first person on my life to make me feel happy and truly loved back. To feel this disconnected from him during times of non intimacy has been driving me crazy and usually when we talk instead of it being an open conversation he says I don't want to talk about anything or it turns into an unnecessary argument. So I will try to talk to him and let him do the speaking if he says anything at all. And I will keep doing my best to make sure his house is clean since I know that does bother him. But to be realistic there will always be something out of place and I don't think he understands that.
In which case i'll ease your mind and hazard a guess that he is NOT depressed.
Instead he may just be stressed from work or worn out, making his words seem snappy.
I apologise for suggesting that something seriously wrong could be up with him, it's in my nature to predict the worst case scenarios no matterhow OUT there they are.
I'm not really sure what to suggest, other than to talk up front with him. It does seem that something might be bothering him and maybe he doesnt want to tell you what it is, but from the sounds of it i think it's something small.
If i think of anything else that may help you i won't hesitate in coming here and telling you, but for now i think you should try and openly talk with him and see if you can find out what is bothering him (if anything) and it may help if you allow him to do most of the talking, guys rarely open up and say all thats on their mind, but if you let them you might be suprised at everything you find in there
Instead he may just be stressed from work or worn out, making his words seem snappy.
I apologise for suggesting that something seriously wrong could be up with him, it's in my nature to predict the worst case scenarios no matterhow OUT there they are.
I'm not really sure what to suggest, other than to talk up front with him. It does seem that something might be bothering him and maybe he doesnt want to tell you what it is, but from the sounds of it i think it's something small.
If i think of anything else that may help you i won't hesitate in coming here and telling you, but for now i think you should try and openly talk with him and see if you can find out what is bothering him (if anything) and it may help if you allow him to do most of the talking, guys rarely open up and say all thats on their mind, but if you let them you might be suprised at everything you find in there
he has many friends that he talks to. mostly from work and a few from when he was younger when he speaks with them he's always laughing telling jokes and seems to be having a good time. Usually I get jealous of that but I don't say anything because what would that do to help the situation. I just try to be more cheerful and happy with him myself. As for the intimate part, there is only one act of intimacy that he does on a regular basis which is have
sex. The sex is great, he's very much into it no other distractions just he and I. It's loving and very involved. We have relations about 3-4 times a week sometimes less depending on both of our moods. but he never initiates that's always been my job since the beginning
sex. The sex is great, he's very much into it no other distractions just he and I. It's loving and very involved. We have relations about 3-4 times a week sometimes less depending on both of our moods. but he never initiates that's always been my job since the beginning
I'd like to ask you, is there any aspect of his life where he is comfortable or acts as he should without complaining? do you know any of his co-workers that could tell you how he is at work?
If he seems detatched and unhappy it could be that HE has a problem, maybe he's depressed and doesn't know how to deal with it, so he's ignoring it and just walking through life at the moment. Hence he would appear cold when he states whats bothering him.
I'm not saying this is what has happened, i mearly offer a possiblility because from the sounds of it he doesn't get excited or happy
please correct me if i have the wrong end of the stick.
And if i may be so forward, How does he act when he is intermate with you (if you and he are still intermate)
If he seems detatched and unhappy it could be that HE has a problem, maybe he's depressed and doesn't know how to deal with it, so he's ignoring it and just walking through life at the moment. Hence he would appear cold when he states whats bothering him.
I'm not saying this is what has happened, i mearly offer a possiblility because from the sounds of it he doesn't get excited or happy
please correct me if i have the wrong end of the stick.
And if i may be so forward, How does he act when he is intermate with you (if you and he are still intermate)
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