daughter dating older man

[miiiiiiiiisy]

hello,

my daughter of 17 years has been involved with a 21 year old male, but my husband and myself aren't too sure, particularly on the age gap, the boy in question is quite sensible, and is curently a second year medical student, my daughter is till in high school and wont be graduating until next year. however this guy seems better than her past boyfriends(same age as herself)  who were pretty much wasters and had no intention of going to college,

i know they are having sex, but she is at the age of consent were i am from, is this a problem she seems happy with him, but is this four year age gap a problem at 17,

would like to hear your opinionsand thoughts, thanks

[vmvnpv]

That's a tough call.  On one hand, 4 years isn't all that much of a difference.  On the other hand, he's already been in the real world.  He can drink and he's going to college.  I say if he treats her right, doesn't get her into trouble and he is not a slacker (which he obviously isn't) then play it by ear.  Get to know him and his intentions.  Chances are it's not going to work because she's still so young and has a lot of life to live but make sure you keep that open line of communication with your daughter.  As long as she knows you and your husband are making the attempt to get to know her new boyfriend then she will play it smart and not do anything to disappoint you guys.

[iam1butterfly]

Your 17 year old daughter could do a whole lot worse.
After all, this "sensible... second year medical student..."
is, by all appearances, making her happy.
As for that 4 year age difference, I wouldn't be too bothered by that.

[heatherlynn22]

iam1butterfly is right. she could be doing a LOT worse. yeah the age difference is meh but if he is a sensible guy who's working on getting a degree for a secure future he could be good for her. a good influence. if she's happy and being safe while having sex.....be happy for her. if he is a good guy than good for her!!!

[thelittlethings]

It sounds like he is a good guy.  I can see where you'd be concerned with the age though.  I would just see how things go and keep a close eye on it.  Get to know him and make sure everythng keeps going smoothly.  She is less than a year away from being an adult so it's not so bad.  I am 20 and my boyfriend is 28.  Everyone thought it was a little weird at first but it works for us.  We make each other happy.  If your daughter is happy let her give this a try and see how it works out.  He doesn't seem like he is hurting her or damaging her at all.  And it might turn out to be a really good thing.  Someone so motivated is going to keep her motivated.  And when girls date older guys they usually act more mature and responsible so there is less chance of her getting in trouble.

[Ladybug680]

4 years isn't a whole lot of a difference and this guy seems like a really good person. It could be worse, I saw somewhere on Yahoo Answers where the girl was 15 and the guy was 34. That was pretty nasty. Anyways, if he is going to college and is a medical student, he really wants to have a good job. They make each other happy. I think they are a good couple.

[Lucey12]

When you first said she was 17 and him 21, my immediate reaction was that hes in it for the sex and she, like most young girls who date older guys, thinks he 'loves' her. But if hes a nice guy, gets along well with the family, isnt some punk-a$$ G-unit piece of S**t, and is in medschool of all things, I think shes found a nice guy. I woudlnt be too worried, keep him close, dont make your daughter reject you cuz she will go straight to him. My mom was worried I would leave her for my boyfriend, I did eventually, but she didnt get really close to him and wouldnt let me see him as I pleased so It made me push her away abit and pull him closer. I ended up moving in with my bf when I was 19 because she wouldnt let me sleep over (especially when I was snowed in, she made me drive home slowly) but I thought  her rules were too constricting, so oved in with him. I explained to her that he was a good guy and she needed to stop beeing so over protective and just get to know him. She did, we are getting married next month and though I moved across the country to be with him, mom loves him and I so much. He also loves my mom more than his own crazy family. (He asked if she would adopt him lol)

So long story short, dont try to push him away to keep your daughter, pull him in closer to keep and protect, and be a friend for her. Just some advise from some experience from the other side, with young eyes.

[Vance2335]

I am a man and when I was 21 I was interested in college women not high school girls. I don't know how someone would pass up college women for a high school girl. I just don't like it and it does not make sense to me.

[j7653]

I was falling in line with the other comments until I read Vance's comment and I came to my senses.  As a man, I think it is weird for a college-age man to be dating a high school girl unless either (1) it's only for the sex (sorry to say that) or (2) he is quite immature and doesnt relate well to girls of his age.

[mami1323]

Well I'm not a man and so I don't think like one but perhaps she's not an immature girl.  A lot of girls develop faster mentally and emotionally than men.  If their relationship is working and it's been a while then let the cards fall where they may.  There is nothing you can do either way.  If you forbid their relationship, she will want him more.  If you just sit back and see what happens, his true colors will show itself.  Whether he wants her for sex or for a true relationship.  She will learn something either way.  

[cole898989]

I wouldnt be overly concerned unless things take a wierd turn. she seems happy and everything seems normal. When I was 17 I dated a man who was 21. I was also having sex. I would just let things take its course.

[miiiiiiiiisy]

ok thanks people for taking time to answer my question,

some people are saying that the boy is only in it for the sex, so if she was dating an 18 year old, would he not have these intentions aswell, because as far i am concerned every red blooded hetrosexual male will have these thoughts, so if i go down this road with her, i'd probably stop her from seeing every guy in the world.... anyway that is my opinion, btw they are getting on great i think this could be guy for her, she told me yesterday

[teko]

I did not read all the posts here so I apologize if I duplicate. I see a problem on several different levels. The probability of this relationship working long term is very small simply  cause of the age of your daughter. At some point in time she will get the urge to be a teenager and experience all that goes with it. Secondly, Is it legal for him to date her? I don't remember the age of legality or maybe that has changed since mine were young. My daughter fell in love with the second guy she ever dated. They dated all thru high school. Came to me wanting to get married and I said no. Not until you have graduated, both of you.  They waited got married and not have been married for 6 going on 7 years. They wanted 3 children and had them back to back. Now, times are tuff financially and she is stating her discontent. Now not having those teen years are coming back to bite. I hope they make it thru this but now she cannot stand the guy, and off to counseling we go.  I hope for everyone's sake she makes it work and falls back in love. All we can do as parents is sit back and pray they know what they want.  

[Vance2335]

She is 17 and does not know if this is the guy for her, she has not experenced life yet. Again as a guy I would never go back to high school to find a girl, nor would I date anyone who was 17 when I was 21. 2 very different stages in life.
At 21 and in college, don't get me started at what I did, but I can tell you that a 17 year old was not on my radar.

[Judy246]

They are still young and both growing. If he is in college, the chances that he will meet other girls are great and she is still young and has a way to go. When she goes to college, she will definate meet other guys her age. I personally don't think it's such a huge age difference. It depends on both maturity. Also, 17 yr. old and with mom's consent? That attitude is of great concern (Pregnancy, protection, etc.). Good luck.