everyone please read

There has been a heated discussion regarding if a child grows up in a family that is abusive, then they learn what they live and will marry someone that abuses them.
Okay, heres my story.
My mother was born to a loving mother, but an abusive father that drank all the time and beat them.  He ended up ending his life when my mother was 10.  
What is my point?
My point is my mother didn't grow up to marry an abusive man because her father was, in fact she grew up and married a man that is wonderful.  He treats females better then any man I know.  He doesn't drink and my mother doesn't drink.  My father would never lay a finger on my mother nor would my mother lay a finger on my father.  They have been married almost 40 years and have 5 children and 4 grandchildren.
I married a loving caring man and he is just wonderful.
My point is my mother didn't marry a man that beat her because her father did and that is all she knows.  
Many people grow up in abusive relationships and actually go the other direction in life because they don't want to live that way anymore.  
I do believe for the most part that a person lives what they learn, but that isn't always the case because many STRONG people grow up and do the opposite and become great individuals to be around.

Now with that said, heres the thing about people and their views on the forum, this is a place where people come to ask questions and get opinions from MANY people.
What I have found to be helpful is that if you agree with something that someone says, then put their name in your post and say so.  If you don't agree with what a person says, then ignore it.  Everyone has their own opinion, and it is up to the person that is posting the question to determine who they are going to listen to.
I believe that is where fights start.  
No one is going to agree with everyone everytime, but isn't that the point of this whole forum?

[RockRose]

Laura,  I'm glad your mother broke the cycle!  Great for her,  and for you and your father.  That's the beauty of it,  if you look around with open eyes you can change and make a better life for yourself than the life you had as a child.  It DOES take strength,  and real effort,  to change for the better.

My sister in law had a sad childhood,  her mother was neglectful and abusive and really awful.  She really had no mothering from anyone all her childhood.   No one's mom is perfect,  but I did luck out and have a very loving and sweet mother,  and I hear myself say her words all the time,  they just come out of my mouth as if by themselves!  Her gestures,   her songs or games or her inflection when reading nursery rhymes,  it all comes out without me even realizing it.  My sister in law had such a struggle with her kids when they were little - she had nothing positive that would automatically come out of her mouth - the things that sprang out before she could stop were harsh and cold.  She kept trying and trying to do the loving mother thing,  and she ended up with REALLY squeaky clean well-dressed kids with fabulous toys to play with.  Watching her was such an education - her struggle with motherhood after having no pattern to follow was really enlightening.

Interesting post,  Laura.

[laura1977]

I totally agree with you about what you said about saying the words your mother said to you.  I find myself doing that alot with my daughters.  It's like I have turned into my mother.  haha
The thing is that my mother became stronger and more determined to have a safe and loving family for her and her children, but her brother (my uncle) was affected differenty from the abuse of their father.  He never recovered, and he is actually in veterns hospital right now because of it.  This is also due to him being at war when he was young.  He is also a bad alcoholic and has mood shifts.  So, where my mother went a completely different direction with her life, her brother suffered from the abuse of his father.
The best thing that happened though was my grandma met a wonderful man 40 years ago and he was just so great. He is my grandfather blood or not I never called him my step grandfather because he was more of a grandfather then anyone I ever knew.  He died a couple of years ago, and I truly lost the best grandfather I could have ever had.  Not because he was blood, but because he made me feel like I was.

[mami1323]

I agree, that not everyone who's grown up with abusive father's will turn out that way.  It's up to the person to make that change in their own life.  It's not easy trying to break the cycle but it does happen as long as we look inside ourselves and want to make that change.  My fiance grew up with a very physically and abusive father.  He has kids from a previous marriage and has not once laid a finger on those children.  Unfortunately, his ex-wife was verbally abusive towards him and that's why they are no longer together.  He vowed to be a better father than what his father was to him and he has grown as a parent and continues to grow as one.  His kids love him and he is such a loving and caring father who looks forward to every weekend that he gets with these children.  It's wonderful to see.  I'm so happy that you have a wonderful husband and that you grew up in such a loving home.  It's refreshing to hear that.

[laura1977]

some of the best parents come from parents that did nothing for them.  It makes a person want to be better then their parents were to them.  

[Happy2girls]

My husband along with his sister were the products of alcoholism and abuse.  My husband has lived his life the total opposite of his upbringing, his sister however has married an abuser and alcoholic.  We are all individuals and make our own choices but our upbringing does affect us tremendously. A lot of times (a lot of times) the cycle does repeat even though it is unintentional, after all who would choose to raise a child with an abuser after having experienced it themselves ?   My husband tells me his sister was always the strong one growing up.  I find it sad how many people can't seem to understand how their actions will affect their children.  They have the right to do as they wish and they do but the children do suffer.  My sister has a young son (12 y/o) who is morbidly obese and on antidepressents but she can't see that her choices are the cause for her boy's troubles.      

[laura1977]

I do believe when alcohol is involved in a family of alcholism (alcoholism), it is best for their family members to avoid it because it does run in families.  That is why my mother won't touch the stuff.  

[slow_healer]

Has anyone here actually done any reading on what the "official" numbers are? Journals in psychology and sociology? (not my background, so I'd have to read up on this too). Personal stories are great, but you can't just take a picture and then superimpose it on every post this forum has to offer.

Personally, I think some escape, and some don't. I think those that don't are the majority, and are probably not the types to speak on medical/relationship forums like these and represent themselves.  I've seen 50% losses in some families and 100% (in terms of children turning dysfunctional after having dysfunctional parents). I have NEVER known any set of "dysfunctional" parents to produce 100% happy self-sufficient children. Just my two cents.

[laura1977]

No the point I was making was the fact that everyone was getting upset because some people think that just because someone has parents that weren't good and had issues with beating and drinking, doesn't mean that all children from these people are going to grow up to do the same.  I was stating my story with my mothers father to prove that point.
Heck you can have to of the best parents in the world and have a child that is in and out of jail for everything under the sun.  
What is the issue is a parent has to be involved in their kids lives and lead them with in the best way they know how.
I don't know of any good parents that produce 100% happy self-sufficient children also.
But the idea that you have NEVER known any set of dysfunctional parents to produce 100% happy children, isn't true.  
I think that is what alot of people on this forum get so upset about.  People make it sound like 100% of kids from single family homes will become single parents, 100% of kids from alcholic homes will be alcholics, and 100% of children from homes that beat them will become beaters.
Thats is just so false.
My mother is very very happy, a great mother, a great friend, and a great grandma.  She had a father that abused her and her mom and brother, and drank heavly so I know that saying 100% of kids from dysfunctional parents never are happy isn't a true statement.

[ksanden]

i agree with you myself. i grew up in a family where there was my dad beating my mom and acholics for a family when i turned 11 my dad stopped beating my mom and well after my grandfather past away when i was 12 my mom drank more. my dad traveled on the road so i never really had a father around, he supported us gave us a house and paid for everything. i never wanted to be around as a teen i would get a bf and stay with them because i never wanted to be at home, i was a troubled teen into drugs, drank alot and was very sexual. i got pregnant with the bf that i was with for 3 months he left me, i raised her at 16 i had 2 years of school left. if it wasnt for my daughter i think i would have really screwed up. i stopped everything i was doing and focused on finishing school and work to raise me daughter. i graduated and moved out of that town and made a new start, i went to college for a year and a half and now i am a stay at home mom with 2 children and my step son. i mom has been sober now since january 2006 which had brought us closer, i am against alchol and i try to be a good mother to my children i promised myself and my family i would never treat them the way i was treated, it wasnt a life.
about the posting your on opinion it is you opinion take it or leave it, some posts are not very friendly but sometimes it is the truth depending on how you look at it. i no that i have issues that has all to do with my past i am trying my best. so i agree with that post with me abut having issues. some things are hard to take in, but to me id rather have the truth then lies... just because half of my childhood was a lie.i dunno. i just hope that the man that im with the man i want to spend my life with will change his ways on how he is angry and hateing the world for no reason, i loev him to death and what we have with on son is beautyful. i just hope this one lasts we have been togather for 2 years and my longest relationship before was 5 months. so i think that tells me something but who nos.
ksanden

[laura1977]

The thing you need to remember is there are bad kids that come from great parents.  Heck my parents have 5 kids.  4 of the 5 turned out great, but then theres my little brother.  Big big trouble maker.  So whos to say its the parents fault all the time.  I think there is more to it then just the parents.  Why is it that so many pastors children turn out to be trouble makers?  It has always been said that you can have 30 kids and all of them will be different.

[mami1323]

Every child is different.  There are children who come from loving parent environments and they wind up having a child who gets involved with the wrong crowd and starts doing drugs or stealing.  They grow with their own personalities.  You try to be the best parent you can but frankly you never know what you are going to get.  My fiance's cousin has 3 kids.  Her oldest son wound up being in and out of jail for selling drugs.  He's a sweet person but he makes the dumbest mistakes.  Now he's trying to turn his life around.  Her oldest daughter is in college and studying to become a physical therapist and is as straight laced as they come.  Her youngest daughter is so wild, she loves to get piercings and has gotten drunk at age 14.  She's a great mother who is always there for her kids and family and look how different her 3 kids turned out.  It's hard to say.

[nightarrow85]

Thank you, laura

1st for showing everyone that children are not doomed to follow in their parents foot steps. This applies also to non-abusive relationships between children/parents. My parents, in particular, have very short fuses. Very very short. However, I have paired up with someone who is the total opposite. It takes a ridiculous amount of push to get him to yell or express major amounts of anger. 98% of the time he is very calm and level headed.

My point- its the total opposite of my parents, and you are right when you say that many strong people are able to see that their life doesnt make them happy - enough so that they will consciously avoid falling into a repear version.

2nd - As for posting, there really is NO reason to argue with a poster directly. That is up to the person who seeks advice. If you dont agree, state your personal opinion without attacking others. The person asking will be better informed that way and there will be no ugly fighting.

[teko]

There are always exceptions to the rule, however, I think more often than not, the way or invironment someone lives in tends to rub off. If they do not copy those particular behaviors, then they usually end up in a shrinks office trying to deal with what happened to them as a child.

I think mostly it is common sense. Women who allow a man to beat on them in front of their children. And then be shocked when their daughter falls into the same problem.
Men who talk down to their wife in a disrespectful way in front of their sons. And then grow up thinking it is ok to belittle a woman. I could go on and on and on.

[jo929]

I do agree with you 100%, that when a person posts here they are looking for answers. and i think that you are right in saying if a person agrees with anothers post name that person, i also beleive if they do not like ones answer they should ignore it, because like you say everyone is entitled to their own opinion  very interesting post as Rockrose pointed out  luck  jo

[wildflower77]

All I can say is it takes a very strong person to break the cycle.  My step-father was verbally and physically abusive to me as a child, as was his father, and his, and so on.  I married a man that is verbally abusive to me and have been married to him for 8 years.  I'm just recently seeing a counselor who pointed out to me that I have just repeated my childhood for my own children.  I have seen the light and I am now getting ready to divorce him and get my children out of this environment.

[veralidaine]

Playing devil's advocate... my mother was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as a child, and is emotionally abusive to me. Like many abusers, she refuses to even consider that she could be doing it to me and gets extremely angry if I try and have an honest conversation with her.  She's in absolute denial that she could be repeating any of her father and mother's behavior.

Honestly, from reading these stories I know completely breaking the cycle is POSSIBLE, but I can't risk it. I have made a resolution to not have children, even though I want them, because I don't want to even risk bringing a child up in the same way. I just pray that I don't lose strength later on and make a choice I'll regret.