ex-husband dating a super-model and rubbing it in my face. I'm extremely jealous

[bethrnmom]

My ex went out and found a gorgeous swimsuit model to date and he's been sticking it to me ever since.  He brought her to the pool I belong to with my 3 children and paraded her around all of my friends wearing a thong bikini (at a family pool!)  Please don't get me wrong, I am not jealous because I want him back.  I am more in shock that a woman like this would be attracted to him.  He's short, bald, dumpy, and he has this horrible twitching problem when he's nervous.  However, he is a doctor so I guess that's why she's with him.  I consider myself an attractive woman and I keep in good shape, but this has made me feel horrible about myself as a woman.  I am having extreme jealousy over this that is affecting my ability to be a good mom to my kids.  There were many other incidents with this woman as well.  One of them was that my ex had her picture on his computer screen with her posing like in a Penthouse spread, with nothing on but a thong, ass in the air, and my 12 year old daughter is the one who told me about it.  She actually came home and imitated the pose she saw.  I know he is doing this intentionally to get back at me.  We had a bad marriage but I was faithful and I really tried.  He still blames me though and I'm sure he's loving the fact that he can stick it to me where it hurts the most.  He knows I never felt so great about my body image.  I just feel so bad that I cannot rise above this even for the sake of my kids.  I am trying everything,  I'm in counseling.  There are many other things that he and this woman have done to hurt me but no room left.

[Ace251]

Beth, there are always two sides to each story. You believe your ex-husband purposely shamed you publicly, when it sounds like your feelings are the result of personal body image concerns.  Deeper still, anyone can read the real cause of your pain: you're hurt by the fact he's moved on, and appears genuinely happy.  It's an understandably human, although selfish, concept.

However, publicly bashing him in this internet forum isn't going to help you grow and move past these feelings. You won't improve as a person by getting meaningless support from users more interested in mutually bashing men than by a genuine, critically thinking person.  Don't mask the need to feel justified in your feelings as solicating advice - you'll end up clinging to wounds long after they should have healed.

For example, despite being bald and quirky I'm sure your ex-husband has his better qualities. Afterall, you were once in love with him yourself, and while I'm sure you appreciated his earnings as the sign of a good provider, that wasn't the ONLY reason you had three children together, right? I'm sure the new woman is his life just has a fresh perspective on those qualitites.

Further, I don't see anything wrong with a woman promoting confidence in her body image, nor in a couple showing your children what a happy, healthy relationship looks like. Children are so desensitized by today's media, and parents need to stop hiding the parts of the world that upset their own feelings - it's a losing battle. Instead, promote healthy discussions with your children about why adults do things like flaunt the figures they work hard for, and keep pictures of loved ones readily in sight. Contrary to the above comments, you don't have the right to tell your ex what he can and cannot put on his computer - and bringing up the subject will just make you appear fixated and petty.

I would be impressed he's found someone of appropriate age to be with, rather than having a string of superficial relationships with 20 somethings. Wouldn't that be harder to bare, and explain to your children? Rather, he's found someone compatible and confident.

So, my advice is to channel your hurt into something productive that will build your confidence. Maybe it's time to work on your body, and stop making excuses to miss the gym everyday. Once your confidence returns, you'll be a better situation to find a compatible mate, too.

[sk2006a]

you've received some really good advice here - it's great that your keeping up with your counseling.

my first thought when i read about the new girlfriend was that she sounds pretty shallow.  i know a few women in their 40s - former ballet dancers - who look incredible for ANY age.  however, none of them would ever consider wandering around a family pool wearing a thong.  they are secure, successful women who have nothing to prove!

it sounds like both of them want to make you jealous.  how about doing your best to "laugh it off" whenever the woman shows up at the pool.  i can guarantee that you're not alone in thinking "skank alert" when she shows up dressed like that!  it's hard to say which one of them sounds the most pathetic.    and don't let your daughter know that you feel a poor second to the gf.  yes, you're in your 40s and have had several children - but i bet you have more important things to do than spend the day at the gym trying to mold yourself into looking like some man's fantasy.  

you are well within your rights to tell him to remove the "pin up" of the woman from any computer which your daughter might be using.  what is he thinking?

[mslkpage]

You can't let them control your emotions! If counseling alone doesn't do it, then read up on meditation or take a yoga class. You cannot let this consume you. By doing so, you're letting your ex and this woman control YOUR life and YOUR emotions. Don't give them that power, because that is what they want.

Everybody has their own issues. Just because you can't see hers, doesn't mean they're not there. Maybe her kids hate her...maybe she throws up after every meal...maybe she farts during sex...who knows?? Don't worry about her. Focus on you and your children.

[bethrnmom]

thank you for your advice, especially about respect.  that is exactly it.  I don't know if she is "prettier", but even if she is, you don't rub it in and disrespect another woman because of it.  The funny thing is this woman is 44 (I'm 43) and she does have children too.  That's what makes it even harder.  If she were some 24 year old bimbo, it would be a huge joke.  But she is my age and in fantastic shape and both him and her are rubbing my nose in this fact.  It's difficult as a woman to feel good about our bodies.  This has made me feel like I'm in some sort of competition with her and I'm coming out on the short end.  I have fat, and cellulite and don't look great in a bikini.  My butt is not rock hard and I don't go to the gym everyday.  She does and it shows.  She's in bikini contests and modeling and the fact that she's my age with kids makes it all the harder.  I wish I could pretend it doesn't bother me, but my God, it is shaking me to the core.  I've never felt this way before about another woman, but I seriously hate her guts. I can't stand him either.  It is consuming me with rage and anger.  How do you just go on and pretend it isn't eating you alive?

[simbacatz]

Yeah,now I know what u mean, at least ur a year younger than her. Is there anyway u can avoid going where u might see her? Probably not right, because u have to do it for ur kids. Atleast u have brains,and respect which is more important than being miss perfect body. I am still in shock that she wore a thong bikini at a family pool thing, that shows you how low she is.I remember when I was a size 1, but wanted more fat on me, would eat all junk to get more meat but never did. At the same time all the other girls said I was crazy to be wanting more pounds. My point, no woman is 100% satisfied with their body. She might not show it but I am sure she has some douts about her body. I think u r prettier than her and thats why she has to use her body to stand out. Sorry wasn't that much of a help. GoodLuck!

[broke123]

i bet u, once the bimbo gets a better offer ( another dumb enough guy w more money than ur ex) she will split in 2 seconds, leaving ur ex crushed. dont worry he will get what he deserves.
and im sure her looks is the only thing she has going for her.
cummon why would u be jealous of sum dum dum? men use her and move on, thats why she has to settle for scary lookin men w money.
id feel sorry for her, not jealous!

[Trialanderror]

I know that must be hard. I am sure you will get over it somehow. Your time will come. I sometimes admire how some new moms get back in shape so quickly only to learn the truth that they leave their infants/ toddlers with hundreds of different babysitters while they spend half the day in the gym. Usually their attachment with their children suffers. I am not sure if I wanted that as a trade-off for a great physique. Also, each body type is different. No use to worry about some cellulite. Maybe the other guys have it in their brains...

[simbacatz]

It's clear that bimbo is with your ex for the money. He's doing all this to just make u jealous,(he needs to grow up)thats sooo high school stuff.Or who knows maybe he hired her to make you jealous,LOL. Just stay strong, I wouldn't worry about self esteem if I had 3 kids and was in good shape. I mean does she have any kids? So you said she was wearing a thong bikini to a family pool,you can tell she is a brod with no brains. I think your ex should have known better to let her wear that at a family pool. Anyways I think they both r doing this to get on your nerves. Just remember she in nothing compared to you, because you are in good shape with 3 kids,which is very hard,I bet you get a lot of comments on that. And also who knows that super model might be jealous of you thats why she wears these things. Anyways, just ignore it and pretend like it doen't bother u at all. Good Luck!

[PlateletGal]

It sounds like there may be a time when they will split up and she will have taken everything she can get from him. I'm sure he's wondering already why she's dating him. It must be hard for him to trust her. (keep thinking about these things !)

You are still young... you can also date, go to the gym and focus on your own health (spritually and physically).

[RockRose]

Beth,  I think you're seeing this completely backwards.

He's desperate to  impress YOU,  not her.  He put forward that whole play to impress YOU.  (And perhaps your friends and neighbors who are wondering what a loser he is as a husband.)  

Do you think she knows that?  Yes.  She was brought there as arm candy to impress YOU.  Your ex put vulgar pictures on his computer,  even knowing it would emotionally hurt his daughter,  so she'd run home and tell YOU daddy has attracted a hottie.

Stand up tall and walk proud,  girl!  It's you he's still hurting about,  and his image is damaged because you aren't impressed with him.

Best wishes.

[PlateletGal]

RockRose is correct. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, then this is what I would do:

I would work on dropping my ego and instead of concentrating on this supermodel, I would focus on myself instead. I would remind myself that everyone has great qualities and I would focus on mine. I would also remind myself that if my ex were dating this woman, just to irritate me, then this relationship will not work out and that I would not be like him and the next relationship I would be in, wouldn't be fake.

If my ex-husband called me and wanted to make me jealous, I would act like I wasn't jealous at all, even if I really was. He would then be upset because he couldn't 'get to me'. If he talked about his girlfriend, I would say, "oh that's nice" or something like that. If I was concerned about material my child saw on his computer, I would let him know and then laugh about it so that he wouldn't have the power of knowing how I really felt. If his intentions were to make me jealous, then it would backfire on him every single time. I would take that power of trying to hurt me away from him. And then I would probably spend a weekend at a spa, a spiritual convention (never been to one of those) or some other place that relaxed me and helped me feel both spiritually and physically better. I would move on with MY life and thank God that I did !

[worriewort]

First of all, someone who wears a "thong bikini" to a family pool should be embarassed for herself.

Your ex-husband is trying to make you jealous. DO NOT let him get to you. Just smile and act like you are over him and can care less about his new "model" girlfriend. I know it's hard, but totally act like you don't care. It will make him realize that you are over him.

[mslkpage]

Continue with your counseling, and work towards letting go of any hold he has on you. That's what it is- he's hoping that he's pushing your buttons, which he is.

I also suggest that you mention to him what your daughter saw on his computer. If he can't keep inappropriate material off his computer, then I would go back to court and suggest he only have supervised visitation.

[Trialanderror]

Remind yourself once a day everyone will perceive him as pathetic and you as heroic to put up with this nonsense. He is probably going through his midlife crisis and you should really try to ignore it. Your daughter might need some counseling, though, to help her understand or re-arrange the image she has of her own dad. It must be very confusing for her because daughters often assume they should act and look like the woman their dad likes. First lesson she is learning is that men can hurt womens feelings. Second that it may be good to act like a pin-up girl. No good. Try to convince her that you are not jealous and furious because the other woman is so perfect but because you do not approve of such disrepect towards you. She needs to know it is about respect and not looks.