ex playing mind games?

[binniman]

Hi.  I hope my question pertains to this forum.  Currently, I am extremely happy with my relationship.  In fact, I am engaged and I will be wed in August.  I dated this woman for two months and there was absolutely no doubt in my mind so I proposed to her so we are happily moving on.  Now the problem comes with a 26-yr old woman I dated from May-September in 2009.  I could not say I was in a relationship with her in any sense but the relation was that I was helping her straighten her life.  She doesn't even have a GED, why that is the case is a very long story but in a nutshell she grew up in terrible conditions.  I was not in love with her in any way but I had never felt more compassion for any one.  So I helped her financially, morally, emotionally throughout the summer.  With all these, she always seduced me to have sex with her.  She had very strong feelings for me albeit the fact that I made it clear there was no future for the two of us together.  After arguments all the time, I left and did not see her for several months but she would call needing help and I would wire her money to avoid seeing her and getting tempted into sleeping with her.  She has a history of deceit and lies.  She lied about how she lost rent money that I gave her while she blew it on alcohol and weed.  She lied about getting raped by a guy that the two of us hanged out with who is a very long time friend of hers.  

In any case, I told her that I am now in a serious relationship and can't see her all too often but I would help in any way.  She started getting more and more agitated and desperate.  My compassion took over early in January and went to see her.  As usual, after a couple of hours, she manages to seduce me again and put me in bed.  She gave me the condom, we had a very quick intercourse as I was extremely uncomfortable.  Nothing out of the ordinary though, I was very aware and alert.  I left.  

She called late last night telling me that she might be pregnant and wants to talk.  Prior to that all her attempts to hang out with me and see me were futile.  She was with a friend of hers who uses her all the time.  Also, her own phone was disconnected, a pattern of her calling every time she needs to reconnect her phone.  

Needless to say, I had never been more terrified because I am extremely happy now and I do not want to ruin this situation with my fiance.  

From what I know, she is looking for money and attention.  I am almost certain but the fact that there is a possibility that there is truth to this sends chills through my bones.  Can someone help me ease my fears and worries?  Please!!!

[specialmom]

Well, hard to say.  I'd guess that you've been broken up a good while now and therefore, if you are thinking the baby would be yours, she'd be showing, etc.  Actually, at 46, it is amazing she is pregnant naturally.  That is extremely unusual!  Either way, she is claiming it is the new boyfriends.  I'd say that is probably true.  Why would she claim this otherwise?  

I'd let this rest.  Good luck

[serious990]

My ex girlfriend dumped me five months ago after 4 years relationship. She is 46 years old and I am 49 yeras. I had 2 kids from my previous manage but she ah none. Just yesterday, we saw each othe in the city and she said she is pregnant. I congratulated her  because I was os happy for her. She said she met the man that pregnant her in March and they had sex and now she is preganant. Is she telling the true or lying?

[Ashelen]

generally they do a urine test and a blood draw...the urine test will come back within minutes but most blood draws take 24+ hours for a result.

[imanaddict]

That is great! You had to do what you had to do (lie about going overseas) and hopefully it will get her out of your life for good. I cannot imagine how you must feel (and other guys) who are in a situation like this of not knowing if they fathered a baby and a woman possibly lying about being pregnant. It would drive me insane too probably!

Try to forget you ever knew her and be a wonderful husband and one day father with the woman you love.

[binniman]

One last question please. How is pregnancy test done at the doctors?  Blood test?  How long does it take to get the results generally?  My ex said she went on Monday and claimed that it was confirmed positive on the same day.

[binniman]

I apologize for sending seemingly conflicting messages but I am taking everything you guys are telling me to heart.  I sincerely mean that.  All this up and down has been for three reasons:  Is she really pregnant? If so, by whom?  If it is me, did she set me up and why?  Or is there someone else?  From what I gather so far, it is questionable that she is pregnant.  Even if she is it seems highly unlikely that she purposely set me up.  In fact, it is also even more unlikely that I am responsible for it.  I agree I have opened the line of communication not because of any residual desires but to see if there really is even the slightest possibility that I may have impregnated her plus I am afraid that she may get increasingly aggravated, so I will have to fade away very systematically.  I have told her I am going overseas in a few weeks and may not come back for a long time, if at all (of course, I made that up so she can give up on me).  She bought the story too. Then I will disconnect my phone number.  All of this is because I do not ever want to get involved with her again in any way, shape, or form.  I could not be any happier with my current relationship and my biggest fear has been I may end up jeopardizing it big time.  

[mami1323]

I agree with imanaddict here, it sounds to me like you may have some residual feelings for your ex and you are using this issue as an excuse to contact her.  

[imanaddict]

I know I've said this before and I'll say it again...cut off ALL contact with this woman immediately and put all your energy into being the perfect husband to your fiance. All this talk about the nut job has made me wonder who you REALLY care about?  You can't continue on this way, or yes, you will end up in the anxiety forum. You are allowing this to drive you insane when the solution is right here in front of you!

I hope that doesn't sound mean, that is just my opinion and if you like the way things are, then by all means continue on. If you want your life, sanity, fiance, money, etc back, then all you have to do is not allow it any longer. Period. Good luck!

[imanaddict]

Getting pregnant on Mirena is dangerous and will most likely result in loss of pregnancy. You can always visit Mirena's website for more answers about it.

[mami1323]

The Mirena IUD is 99% effective.  It not only blocks the sperm from getting through but it releases a hormone that stops ovulation from taking place.  Like the birth control pill.  Hence, why the periods are infrequent.  You have to understand that getting pregnant on an IUD is very very rare.  I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm just saying that it is very uncommon.  And a doctor needs to remove it.  If she did happen to get pregnant on it, then it could cause a miscarriage.  I highly doubt it is yours if she is pregnant because using both an IUD and a condom it would be very unlikely that she would get pregnant.  No one is causing drama here, you are the one saying that you doubted her and we are answering your post.  You are causing your own anxiety and you're feeding into her what she wants.  You are calling her non-stop to analyze the situation.  She put this on you by telling you she was pregnant when really, if she didn't want you to be involved with this entire situation, then she wouldn't of told you at all.  Heck, if I were her and I wanted it to be my boyfriend's, I wouldn't even have said anything to you and just assumed it was his since she has an IUD and used a condom with you.  I wouldn't even have thought it was yours based on that.  You are going to drive yourself nuts.  Let it go, stop contacting her and move on with your life.  But don't be surprised if she comes back to you with another story.

[binniman]

This is the very last question from me - Mirena.  I am just simply trying to deduce if there was any possibility of entrapment (which I am highly doubting after speaking to her twice today).  No threats or demands of any sort at all from her not to mention her saying that she is almost certain it is the other guy who has impregnated her.  She is now fully claiming to be pregnant.  One moment she is really nervous and another moment she is cheerful.

Going back to Mirena, my ex has mentioned to me in the past and also today that she had been on this BC for a little over a year.  I really have no reason to suspect that.  If she had wanted a baby from me, would she risk taking the thing out (or is it done by a doctor only)?  She also mentioned to me that she is scared now because of the risks involved with this as she is well informed on the high probability of miscarriage if the IUD is taken out.  

She asked me if I had taken the condom out during the intercourse as I was checking every now and then.  She also mentions that it is not impossible for sperm to leak thru the base.  She was not too insistent on this but she seemed like she wanted to know exactly where to go from here.  I know for SURE that she provided me with the condom (she put it on me) and it was hers.  But just to see if she had tampered with it, I asked her whether the condom was mine or hers.  She genuinely did not seem to remember and said that she thought we got it from the store as we often did in the past.  So if she did poke holes in it, the would be no way she would forget about it.  She is more likely to have forgotten the whole incident.  Things are getting more and more promising but I will take every precaution to handle this carefully.  No matter what though, this was such a tough lesson and ain't gonna happen again.  

Lastly, I am seriously wondering why I created all this drama in this forum.  The woman did not even say that I was responsible for the pregnancy.  She just wanted to talk as the "main guy" is currently not in town but "should be back Friday or Saturday."  She seems to be doing the right thing to speak to me and rule me out.  All I heard was saying she might be pregnant and I put myself in a state of deep paranoia.  Don't be surprised if you see me in the anxiety forum.  

[Judy246]

Time to let this go. From this point on have no contact with this woman. Avoid her like a plague. This woman was and probably will continue to be permiscous and put you at risk for an unwanted pregnancy and a possible STD.  As specialmom stated, focus on you current relationship. Live and learn never to repeat this type of permiscious behavior again and forgive yourself and focus on your future with your fiance. What you do owe her is respect, fidelity and consderation, so move on with your life and it will all fall into place. Good Luck.

[specialmom]

Okay, well you have spent enough time focasing on this old and tired relationship.  Focas on your new one.  Don't say you are so bad that you are thinking of breaking up with her.  That would lead me to believe you are emotionally involved in the other woman.  So, stick to the plan and cease all contact with old girlfriend and do your best to be a perfect partner to your new one.  good luck

[mami1323]

You are not a bother, this is what this forum is for.  I hope it all works out for you.  I would suggest letting go of all contact.  You need a fresh start with your fiance.  If you choose not to tell her, than it's best anyway to not have this other woman hanging around at all.  Even on a friendship level.  Good luck.

[imanaddict]

I wouldn't suggest wiring her any more money and leaving it all be unless she has some sort of concrete proof that she is pregnant. You may have dodged a bullet this time and it's sounding more and more promising. I sincerely hope you never make that mistake again and you can move on from this.

[binniman]

okay thanks mami1323.  Since I have known her, she has always had really weird periods.  Even for the one in December she said it was really spotty.  She did also mention this morning that her periods are too irregular anyway.  So deep down me, I was not going to count too much on that anyway.  But the fact that there is this guy, that she told me about before all of this, that I used a condom and he did not does make my mind at ease a little more but like I said I am not quite completely off the hook yet.  Again, she only would deceive anyone for money but for not much else.  I told her that I had been thinking about wiring her some money for a while but she did not jump neither did she insist on it.  She just let it slide.  I told her I am in a terrible shape financially, I could only sense but her feeling sorry.  I told her I am moving to Africa, she said she would love to see me before I leave.  So, if she had any entrapment plans for me, something would have jumped out.

Anyway, I promise to not bother you all again.  I am terribly sorry about all this but again, this thing has the potential of affecting dozens of loved ones for me so that is why I am extremely anxious.  

[mami1323]

Mirena is an IUD and it's very rare that a woman could get pregnant on it.  It is possible but it's a very effective form of birth control.  With Mirena, she won't get her period often, if ever, so that is strange as well.  I'm not sure if her story holds water.  If you believe her than I guess that's all that matters but even if it's most likely the other guy's the dates are too close together to even be able to tell.  I'm not sure but I would be very careful with her anyway.  I hope she isn't going to bother you.  As for your fiance, if there is no way of her finding out that this happened and you can be a good man to her going forward, than I see no point in you having to tell her.  You can save her a lot of hurt that way.  

[binniman]

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT:

I manned up and called her.  She was "happy to hear from me."  She was slightly upset that I hanged up on her.  To make this short, she asked me if I had tampered with the condom on that day.  I reversed the question to her and she adamantly said no, in fact she was rather offended and claimed that she is not that vindictive.  Now the absolute brightest side of the story is that there is another MAN involved and she told me that he is her boyfriend.  She knew him for many years but they went out on her birthday (12/8/2009).  They had sex that night "for the first time."  Ever since, she told me that they have sex multiple times at every opportune day WITH NO CONDOMS.  I was talking to her really in a sweet way just to not aggravate her.  She sounded very sincere.  She had told me about the guy on that day but she probably thought it was going to hurt my feelings and claimed that I was the last person she had sex with prior to the day in question now.  She would not tell me too much more but I could sense that there was a good mutual feeling between the two of them.  But all of these had slipped my mind.  

In all honesty, she only lies when she needs money.  Her lies are usually also very obvious, she normally knows that I know she is lying but she would just go with it to get the help she needs.  Sorry for the digression.  

She said she is pregnant according to the test she did yesterday but she said she will do the ultrasound to see "how long it has been."  She is very well informed with these kinds of things.  She is not pointing fingers at me.  She is only saying she wants to be sure where to point in terms of who she is pregnant by.  She admitted to me herself that I will be very unlikely because she said the other guy is who she has sex with with no condoms because she said she has been on birth control since "January 2009."  On something called marina or something like that.  Moreover, she said her last period was early in December (shortly before she started sleeping with the other guy) but I slept with her to the best of my deductive skills on Jan 02 2010 (which would be a little ways off from her ovulation too).  She has talked to the other guy who she says has no children yet but wants one.  She really sounded like she wants to pin it to him and rule out any possibility of me being the responsible party.  She has nothing but good things to say about him, that is a good sign.  Well, what do you guys think?  

With regards to my fiance, I had not told her I was engaged but this time around I told her that my fiance (girl friend) rather was a terrible person and robbed me and what not.  I told her she left me.  If she had any remote ideas of using her as a weapon, it is gone because she totally bought the story.  I felt guilty about lying, however.

I now feel like I am most likely off the hook which leads me in to bringing my fiance to the picture.  I will still hold on to be 100% sure but once that is the case, I will tell her every single thing.  At the very least, by then, I will not have ruined her life by bringing a huge baggage and having to leave me after she invested all her beautiful heart, sincerity, and love to a corrupt person like me.  Needless to say, except for this despicable transgression, I have treated her extremely well. Also my main fear with all of this has been ruining my fiance's life and stable life.  I can take a responsibility to be a father but I do not want to humiliate and bring down an innocent person with me.  Since I do not feel worthy of her time and emotions as she dearly loves me, I am seriously considering leaving her so she can find a better person. No apology is enough for this.  

[imanaddict]

I feel terrible for making your anxiety level worse! That wasn't my intention, just didn't want you to be caught off guard with something so outrageous as that because it does happen, and yes, a woman can get pregnant that way. Whether or not she actually did this, who knows. And whether or not she's actually pregnant, probably not, but of course only time will tell. You wouldn't believe the number of stories there is on MedHelp about women faking pregnancies to keep a man. I know I've posted answers on MANY.

[mami1323]

There is no way to know if she's making it up or not.  She sounds pretty unstable so whose to say what she could be capable of.  Your only relief would be to tell your fiance so that at least you can get that weight off your shoulders.  But really you play you pay.  Sorry if that is harsh but these are the consequences to infidelity.  I hope for your sake she's lying but with her history you can go either way with this.

[binniman]

"Just because she opened the condom in front of you does not mean she didn't poke holes in it beforehand. If she's as desperate as she sounds, you need to consider ALL possibilities."  That statement just sends my anxiety level and fear out of charts.  I am extremely paranoid now.  Because for one minute all the details leading to that incident add up to some sort of setup and for another minute nothing adds up to her being pregnant.  

She called me at 9:30 last night but I ignored her call.  She never left a message nor did she call back.  That was the same number she called from the night before.  That looks like a new number or someone's phone.  In any case, if I call and ask her about this, she will sense my fear immediately and milk this to the fullest.  If there is any truth to this on the other hand, I want to see what my chances are of her aborting.  

Do small pin holes on a condom actually have a high probability of resulting in pregnancy?  This is assuming she did that.  On the one hand, I tend to think she is capable of doing that on the other hand, being pregnant for her would give her no benefits.  She has a seven year old child whose custody she never had from day one.  Her baby's dady put a restraining order against her.  She has a couple court cases.  She knows and worries about all these things I know.  She really wants to have her child back and she always says she wants to better herself.  She went back to school etc.  Please someone tell me something good.  I am like a little child right now.  I brought this onto myself so please don't make me feel bad any more.  Just please tell me from what I am saying that it is possible she is making this up.  Does any of what I wrote make anyone feel like she is faking this?  

[mami1323]

I understand you feel badly for what you have done but I think there is something to be said for your need to enable this ex of yours.  You keep saying all these horrible things about her but then you fell for her "seduction".  There is not one thing desirable about her and it sounds pretty dysfunctional to me.  I can't understand why you keep falling for her lies.  Leave her to her own demise and if she is pregnant than demand a paternity test.  As far as your fiance well if this ex of yours is so deceptive and willing to stop at nothing than I think your best bet is to come clean with your fiance.  But this is a lot of drama for anyone to handle so there are no guarantees if she will stay with you.  Good luck and I do feel like you have a lot of self reflection to do here, irregardless if your fiance stays with you or not.  You need to understand why you have allowed someone who is so callous and manipulating into your life to begin with.

[imanaddict]

You may want to consider getting a restraining order against this woman. She sounds extremely unstable and she will bring you down with her if you don't do something about it now. I've dealt with her type before and I know how all that works. She'll threaten you with telling your fiance, stop by your house, continue the phone calls, etc if you don't help her financially. Then of course the whole "pregnancy" bit and she'll try to continue that on for months and say that you'll never see the baby, blah blah blah.

Just because she opened the condom in front of you does not mean she didn't poke holes in it beforehand. If she's as desperate as she sounds, you need to consider ALL possibilities.

Does you fiance know that you were friends with this woman in the past? My dear, you are going to have to come clean sooner or later. If you don't, it might be a LOT worse later down the line and you have already put your relationship in jeopardy. She deserves to know what she's dealing with here because she just might end up on being stalked or something. Like the others have said, cut off ALL ties with her, get an order of protection and have a talk with your fiance about the situation. This mess has to get cleaned up before you can have any kind of future with  someone else. You can't go into a marriage with all this hanging over your head.

[Judy246]

Discontinue contact with this woman. She is to get a pregnancy test and take it from there, because she can make life difficult for you, if you let her. Take control of your life, wait for the pregnancy test and take it from there.