family issues

[jessieandjohn]

ok so i dont want to sound like im being a baby . but my older brothers advise means alot to me and he has stopped talking to me since i told him i was pregnant,i thought he would be excited but apparently not. its just causing me alot of stress .... i dont know what to do :( im missing my conversations with him alot....

[specialmom]

PS, wasn't demeaning you.  I was giving you my perspective as a mother.  While I love my kids, I can't condone every behavior or choice they make.  Part of my job is to have expectations.  That doesn't really apply to the poster on this thread as she is having a child, planned with her boyfriend and has plans.  I wish her well and am VERY happy she is a responsible parent.

We can be disappointed in loved one's choices and not accept them but do agree we should talk about it with them.  

[specialmom]

Please refer to two posts  above by me, I'll copy it for you . ..



but when I think of it, if he IS disappointed, if he is worried. . .    probably not the best thing for him to do to pull away form you.  that's hurtful.  Try to get him to open up and talk about it since it is hurting you.  good luck
.

[Amibk]

Excuse me,but I have read the posts, and you saying your a parent means nothing. However you demeaning what I say means a lot.

[specialmom]

Feel as though you may not have read all the posts.  

But in general, as an adult and a parent, I can say that although I love my children, I will not 'accept' what they do if they are bad decisions such as doing drugs, breaking the law, etc.  You can love unconditionally while not condoning behavior.  

But as you may or may not have read, my comments said that her brother was being hurtful to her by shutting her out.  If he is upset about the pregnancy, we talk about these things.  I wrote this.  It does help to read the posts.  good luck

[Amibk]

I have to disagree. If he's disappointed or hurt,that's his to deal with and talk to her,not hers to deal with to soothe him. If you love someone you're always there for them. Sometimes how much you love someone really is a one way street and its devastating, but each their own and move forward with the ones you love.

I don't agree with placating someone at the expense of your happiness. I know you don't mean that. But love is acceptance.

[specialmom]

I'm so happy that you have your life going in such a positive direction.  Your brother may worry about you whether there is a super strong reason or not.  That's the reality of life.  We have hopes and dreams for people and we worry about them no matter what.  When you love someone, that's kind of natural.

but when I think of it, if he IS disappointed, if he is worried. . .    probably not the best thing for him to do to pull away form you.  that's hurtful.  Try to get him to open up and talk about it since it is hurting you.  good luck

[Amibk]

I don't really know all your relationship of course but will tell you mine if it helps.
My older brother is one year older than I am. We didn't have the best childhood so grew up looking out for each other really. Age and childhood.

In his mind he took on a role that I didn't want, and no one should have. In his mind he not only was my bf, but my protector when I needed it as a child, and my owner really.

My brother also no longer talks to me. He hates my husband, who is wonderful, he hates my son, he hates me and talks about me to anyone and everyone. I miss my bf. sadly I've had to admit that bf was on my part and when I wanted my own life, he didn't want me to have both.

That may not be what is happening with you,but things change and sometimes it hurts.

[jessieandjohn]

thanks . this was a planned pregnancy and im working towards a nursing degree. he has no reason to worry about me .

[specialmom]

Ya know, if he is older and wiser, he may be a little stunned that you let this happen.  Unplanned pregnancy and pregnancy before one is ready can really change a persons life and sadly, often leads to quite a cycle of poverty.  He probably wanted better for you hon.  

You had the worst of worst childhoods with a drug addicted mom.  That's rough stuff and I'm very very sorry you went through that.  That has an effect on our choices.  I'm sure your brother worries about you with a pregnancy.

Do you plan to go to college or trade school/.job training school??  This is so key.  And if you start working down that avenue., life can get better.  You set yourself up to be a strong woman who can take care of things and your brother will see that all will be okay.  

You've used him as a surrogate parent it sounds like and in that role, parents get very frustrated with choices our kiddos make.  He legitimately may be disappointed in you.

give him some time to deal with it and he may come around and in the mean time, work on what you're going to do professionally, workwise with your life (not an hourly wage job but something that makes a really good income so you are financially stable) and this will help him know you'll be okay as well as it DOES help you and the baby be okay.  good luck

[jessieandjohn]

he and my boyfriend have actially got along well simce they ment i honestly think that he has it in is mind that i will mess up my childs life like my mom did with me my whole life. but knowing and seeing what she did and feeling what i felt i know i never want my child to feel what i felt or see anything that i saw growing up. that has always been my biggest fear... growing up to be like her. :/ that sounds harsh but her doing meth my whole childhood messed up my childhood years and i had to go thro alot of therapy but my brother was always there i just feel lost....

[Megadodger]

Our older brothers actually feel like we (the younger sibling) are their responsibility. Once we are adults, and trying to live adult lives, it's not the same as when you could randomly talk about anything. Growing up and changing means the relationship with your brother will change. You do need to find out why he is upset though. There could be many reasons. Don't take if personally. My brother said he would rather me wait until I'm 35-40 years old to have a child so he doesn't have to worry about me or the child. We had a rough start at life and he was my only role model, now he's being an ***. I don't love him any less but I also know that these people we look up to also feel like they have our best interest in mind. So the pregnancy was a surprise, they are all surprises.. Whether is be now or ten years from now, anyway..

Remind him that you're still his little sister and you want him to be a part of yours as well as your child's life. If it's because of the father that he is acting this way, that is a problem that they have to work out.