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family rift over anniversary dinner

I have been planning a 56th wedding anniversary dinner for my parents for this weekend.  I bought a great cake from a really nice bakery and I was going to pay for most of the dinner with the rest of the kids chipping in only a small amount.  The dinner was for Sat night.
My parents are getting old & not in the best health and I wanted to do something nice for them since we've never had a nice anniversary dinner for them - ever.

A neighbor of my youngest brother committed suicide yesterday.  He had been depressed, was on medication but still did it.  He left behind a wife & 2 kids.  The neighborhood is in shock & mourning.  I never met him but of course still realize what a tragedy this is.  My brother & wife never talked abt this guy or his family & from what I could tell, rarely socialized with the guy although the times they did were very enjoyable times.

The wake is the same night as the dinner.  When I asked my sister-in-law if they were still coming to the dinner she said "probably not, I feel bad that Carol doesn't have anyone anymore".  Then she said "Why do you think we should still go" and I said "well it is their 56 anniv".  I felt as though she was choosing this woman over my parents.  It just felt wrong.  Then my brother walked in and she told him what I said and he said to me "are you kidding me?" I said "no, it's their anniversary" and then he told me to me "it was time to leave".  I left quietly, not really mad just  feeling as though they chose a woman (who isn't even a good friend) over our parents wedding.  They do stuff like this all the time, I don't know why I get hurt anymore.

As I was driving home, I started thinking that maybe I was wrong & my brother is really hurt so I called and apologized.  He said it was ok but I could tell in his voice he was still mad at me.  

I talked it over with the rest of the family & we decided to do the dinner another time, which is fine with me.  I understand that this is a tragedy & hard to handle such a death.  Maybe my brother is even feeling like he could have helped in some way,  I don't know.

My problem now is that I still feel mad that he asked me to leave in front of his daughter, her friend & my sister-in-law.  He didn't even try to see it from my view.  I am going all out for these people and they don't appreciate it.  I am the most successful of the kids, and it always seems like I give up the most of my time for their little things and yet they don't consider me and my sacrafices.  There have been times where I haven't been in the mood to have dinner with them or do stuff with them, but I do it because I don't want them to be mad at me.  

Which brings me to another thing.  I don't know how to act around my brother now.  Should I say something?  Should I act like nothing ever happened?  Am I allowed back in his house?  How are they going to treat me since they so clearly dissed me?  I'm at a loss on how to act & what to do.  My little brother was my favorite - the one I turned to when I needed something & now he's mad at me & things I have no heart but I do have a heart - it's almost too big.

My question to the forum here is was I wrong in the first place?  Does it sound like I handled it ok?  Does it sound like I am being unreasonable about this?

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Avatar universal
Good for your dad.  I hope I can get to that point.

I just feel bad b/c my brother was the one I was closest to.  I really adore him and now we have this "thing" (bad words) between us.  I think Rockrose was correct in that he resents me but for the life of me, I can't understand it.  I'm not like that and they know that.

I did see him & his wife for anniversary cake, they stopped over after the wake.  She was laughing and joking and he looked sad but uncomfortable b/c I think they expected me to flee the minute I saw them, but I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.  I acted like nothing happened (bad words)  just asked abt the wake and the guy.  But when they got to leave, they hugged our parents but not me.  It was obviously cold.  

I have my own family but this is heartbreaking.  My DH tells me I need to talk to him once it's all settled down and tell him how I felt but we are so dysfunctional, I could see my brother not wanting to talk abt it.



Helpful - 0
177641 tn?1189755837
ataglance, I'm sorry to hear about the resentment and frustrations between you and your siblings. I just wanted to let you know that it's the same story with my father's family. He is not particularly successful, but compared to his siblings he's pretty well off and so are his kids. This has led to some pretty poor behavior from his siblings to his kids - out of sheer resentment. There has been a lot of name-calling, a lot of "you think you're better than us". My father learned to finally leave them alone, and not flaunt how well he is doing. Like you, he never saw his helping as flaunting, but that's how his siblings saw it.

Try not to feel like your family is horrible - sometimes that's just the way it works :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's sad to say, but I do have a crappy brother.  He treated me so carelessly. Actually, if it weren't for my own family & friends, I would be nuts with just my "original" family.  I can see now why some people never talk to their brothers/sisters and move 1000's miles away.  It's the only way to keep your sanity.  I'm a  middle child and  I  always tried to keep the peace and make everyone happy but that's just made me a  doormat.  I kept thinking if I just helped out a little more, everyone would be happy and we would be a loving family.  The bubble really burst last night, and now I know we will never be the way I want it to be in my mind.  It's sort of a blessing that it happened because I don't have to work so hard anymore!  I have no intention of helping his daughter through college anymore.  They can figure that one out on their own.  And I'll just be cordial for my parents sake but the buck stops there, literally.  Thanks for your great advice.  It really helped!
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I think apologizing to him was the right thing,  and I agree that you should leave it at that and not apologize again.

It sounds like you have a lot of positive things in your life - your husband,  your friends,  and maybe it's time to refocus on the positives and let some of the family issues go.  At your parents anniversary,  be sure to be cordial enough that your parents won't notice bad feelings,  or it will mar it for them,  but beyond that,  I don't think I'd call your brother or contact him again until he contacts you.    And I wouldn't help him put his daughter through college - you don't order people out of the house who you expect large financial gifts from.  

You have a crappy brother,  but you have a lot of good fortune - enjoy that!

Best wishes.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your reply.  I didn't look at it that way, that my siblings were resentful of me.  Our family is very disfunctional but we've all been hiding that fact for as long as I can remember.  One of the things I love to do is give presents & make people happy.  But, in retrospect, I think I've just made people feel like they weren't as "good" as me.  I've had some lucky breaks so my successes were not necessarily because of my smarts.  I just want to share my lucky breaks.  

We have changed the night of the dinner so my brother & wife can come.  I've apologized but I'm not saying I'm sorry again.  The fact that he hasn't said he was sorry for kicking me out of his house, has now made me feel hurt and a little mad.  My relationship with him will change and I won't go out of my way for him again.  I'll pay for my & DH's dinner and split the share of parents dinner but everyone else will pay their own way or they don't have to come.  I'm too hurt to care anymore.

I still don't know how I am going to handle the inevitable family events.  I guess just act like nothing is wrong?!  I hope I get an apology but I"m not holding my breath.




Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
OR,  you could call your parents and explain the situation,  that a tragedy has occurred in your brother's neighborhood so he won't be able to attend but would they still like to celebrate this evening,  or would they prefer to wait until everyone can come.  

I think in retrospect,  that's the way to handle it.  Let your parents decide,  and don't say anything negative about your brother,  just the fact of the matter.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
ataglance - the fact that you and your siblings have never had an anniversary dinner for your parents - not for the 25th,  not for the 50th - is an indication that no one is really all that interested in celebrating their wedding anniversary anyway.  

Why did you choose to celebrate this in such a way that you pay the lion's share,  and everyone else pays a little?  Why do that?  Why have a celebration that is modest enough that everyone can participate equally,  OR foot the entire bill yourself?  It sounds like you have the kind of relationship that humiliates your younger brother - and perhaps all your siblings - and you're kind of in control of the relationship because you're quick with your checkbook.  

You probably don't see it this way,  but it doesn't sound like you treat your siblings as equals,  and they don't respond to you warmly because of that.  Giving money doesn't engender good feelings among equals - although you may do it out of generosity of spirit.  It doesn't make them feel good toward you.  Kind of resentful,  actually.

Best wishes.     I think you should reschedule the dinner,  for maybe your home or a modest restaurant,  and call around and ask who's interested.  And then go there joyfully.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
well im only 15 so i dont know if this helps any but my mom had the same thing wrong with her child hood she allways said she went out of her way to mend there relationship doing similar things and they acts in similar ways. i actually think that you should leave and do things for your self my mom moved4 states away and she hasent talked to her brothers and sister and mom and dad for years and she is allways saying she could not bare the virbal abuse anymore. that moving was the best choice she made. well as i said im 15 and i probley didnt read this all the way but i figured it might help if you moved away to make them see how much you really did help and what they would do without you (saying u really did all these things u wrote).
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Avatar universal
I also have been generous with presents, paying for stuff, I was even going to help my brother with his daughters college.  They have expected me to give up some of my social life for them, making me feel guilty when I want to do something with one my friends over a holiday, but they just do whatever they want when they want to and don't give me any explanations.  

Am I wrong here?
Helpful - 0
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