Aa
fear of intimacy, maybe? I can't stay attracted to anyone!
So I've had this problem for a while now, but it wasn't until recently that it started really bothering me. I don't know for sure if its anxiety related, but my guess is that it is.
First of all, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder a few years ago. For the most part it isn't a problem anymore. If I still have it, it doesn't interfere with my daily life so much, but from time to time my anxiety anticipating social situations goes up... but who knows, maybe it has something to do with my problem.
Alright, so I have this cycle I seem to go through. I'll find a guy that I like, and I'll flirt and whatnot with him, but as soon as our relationship, whatever it may be, seems to be getting somewhere I suddenly lose all feelings for him. I might make it to one or two dates if he's lucky, but then I suddenly find myself avoiding him and hoping he won't call me. I plain hope I don't have to see him again. It always happens, and it's getting really frustrating. I turn 20 in 5 days and I've never had an actual boyfriend because I can't hold onto feelings for anyone.
Ultimately, I think that this might have to do with a fear of intimacy. I think I feel some shame at the idea of emotional or physical intimacy. Or maybe I'm afraid to depend on someone, but I think intimacy might be the main issue. My guess is that fearing reaching an intimate stage in a relationship forces me to repress feelings... maybe. I want to be able to be intimate and I dream about it, but something about it seems almost foolish and wrong, and I can't quite get past that.
Because of this, it seems like sometimes I find myself going for people who are already dating someone. That's the only time any of my feelings actually last. I'm guessing it's because there's some 'safety' in knowing that he's taken and so that I won't have to deal with a progressing relationship.
My friends try to assure me that this is all a matter of finding the right guy. I don't think it is. I really don't. The only friend of mine who believes me has the exact same problem (neither of us know anyone else like this), and we both firmly believe that it isn't about finding someone we are comfortable with. We think its some sort of psychological problem. We think there's some sort of underlying anxieties and fears.
That in mind, does anyone have any idea what is going on here? Or does anyone know what can be done to actually get past this to have a normal love life?
Please, any ideas are appreciated.
First of all, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder a few years ago. For the most part it isn't a problem anymore. If I still have it, it doesn't interfere with my daily life so much, but from time to time my anxiety anticipating social situations goes up... but who knows, maybe it has something to do with my problem.
Alright, so I have this cycle I seem to go through. I'll find a guy that I like, and I'll flirt and whatnot with him, but as soon as our relationship, whatever it may be, seems to be getting somewhere I suddenly lose all feelings for him. I might make it to one or two dates if he's lucky, but then I suddenly find myself avoiding him and hoping he won't call me. I plain hope I don't have to see him again. It always happens, and it's getting really frustrating. I turn 20 in 5 days and I've never had an actual boyfriend because I can't hold onto feelings for anyone.
Ultimately, I think that this might have to do with a fear of intimacy. I think I feel some shame at the idea of emotional or physical intimacy. Or maybe I'm afraid to depend on someone, but I think intimacy might be the main issue. My guess is that fearing reaching an intimate stage in a relationship forces me to repress feelings... maybe. I want to be able to be intimate and I dream about it, but something about it seems almost foolish and wrong, and I can't quite get past that.
Because of this, it seems like sometimes I find myself going for people who are already dating someone. That's the only time any of my feelings actually last. I'm guessing it's because there's some 'safety' in knowing that he's taken and so that I won't have to deal with a progressing relationship.
My friends try to assure me that this is all a matter of finding the right guy. I don't think it is. I really don't. The only friend of mine who believes me has the exact same problem (neither of us know anyone else like this), and we both firmly believe that it isn't about finding someone we are comfortable with. We think its some sort of psychological problem. We think there's some sort of underlying anxieties and fears.
That in mind, does anyone have any idea what is going on here? Or does anyone know what can be done to actually get past this to have a normal love life?
Please, any ideas are appreciated.
Its so weird I have that same problem I googled "why cant I stay with one guy" I think thats so weird. But I have the same problem but I have a boyfriend and we have been together for 5years and I love him but I need other things to interest me from time to time, Like going on dates or hanhing out. But i might meet 2 or 3 guys and I wont like them after the 1st date but maybe its me. I just dont know what to do and how to fix my situation but I watch too many love stories and Im usally hoping I find the one..WHICH I NEVER DO..LOL
You are very young. I think when you do meet the right person, that emotion will win out. Maybe you are more afraid that you will end up in the wrong relationship and do not want to go thru that. Trust me, when you meet the right one, the anxiety will not win out.
I have the SAME problem. I have anxiety too. I have like..the five types of anxiety..and I cannot let myself get close to anybody emotionally and sexually at the same time. Once I try, I get scared and like..convince myself that I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I ALWASY break up with him.
i have the same problem , i start going out with a girl ten after 6 months i wanna get out and i went out with a girl who was soo clingy and caused soo much emotional problems for me that i think its also affected me , we were together for 1 year and 8 months and she wouldnt let me sleep , call me all hours ofo the night , ever since her i cant get close to girls , and now i have a girl im close to but shes got a bad pasyt , i always fall for girls who have done stupid **** in the past , i fall for them yet i know her past kills me nd bothers me and i know i cant be with her, yet i fall inlove .. and now i cant get close to any oyther girls, im always up and down , feel like im trapped
You know, I think both of you guys helped a bit. Maybe they weren't dead on, but they did spur some thinking.
While I have been...sexually harassed a few times I guess, nothing particularly bad has ever happened to me like that. My parents are both alive, married, and living together. I have, however, had two best friends move to different states when I was really young--within two or three years. I don't know if that could have anything to do with it. I think I'm genetically predisposed to have SAD because my brother has it as well, and I think my mother might have, too, when she was younger. My first signs of it trace back to the end of elementary school, though I doubt it was full-fledged SAD at that point. Could it be that since those insecurities developed when I was young that part of it's just too deep within me to have recovered from it entirely, yet? Because I think that a lack of confidence might be linked with my fear of intimacy. Part of it IS because I'm afraid I'll be criticized/thought less of if I'm intimate. The idea of getting close to someone (or rather them getting close to me) IS stressful, like you said... but I'm thinking it might be more likely that I'm afraid of judgement/criticism than getting hurt.
I do kind of like the chase, but for the most part I'm tired of it. I like that I get to enjoy feelings and blissful giddyness that come with the chase when it seems to be progressing a little without the risk of intimacy, and maybe that's what keeps me trying, but I don't really use it as a way for me to gain control or to build self-esteem/feel accepted. It does, however, seem more likely that I do the chasing than the other way around, so I guess it's possible that I need to see what happens if I just wait and see if a guy chases after me. I can't do that yet, however, because I (again) have a crush on this guy I've been friends with for a while. He MIGHT like me back... it's hard to say. I could see what happens if I just wait for him, but at the moment I like him a lot so I'm kind of wanting to go after him, haha! I'm not sure whether I feel vulnerable in general... I think any vulnerability I feel comes mainly from the idea of letting a guy know the *real* me. I think I have this wall I'm afraid to let down and I might see that wall being in danger when it looks like a relationship is starting to form.
I think reading what you guys wrote and me thinking of responses to them might have led me to figure out why I'm like this a little better. Maybe. But I wish I knew how to overcome this. Well, I guess therapy would help, but I wish there was a sort of 'quick fix.' I wish there was something I could do *now* or a strategy I could put into effect starting *now* so that if, for example, things start to work out with the guy I currently like sometime before therapy would start really working for me I won't push him away and I'll actually be able to build a relationship out of it.
While I have been...sexually harassed a few times I guess, nothing particularly bad has ever happened to me like that. My parents are both alive, married, and living together. I have, however, had two best friends move to different states when I was really young--within two or three years. I don't know if that could have anything to do with it. I think I'm genetically predisposed to have SAD because my brother has it as well, and I think my mother might have, too, when she was younger. My first signs of it trace back to the end of elementary school, though I doubt it was full-fledged SAD at that point. Could it be that since those insecurities developed when I was young that part of it's just too deep within me to have recovered from it entirely, yet? Because I think that a lack of confidence might be linked with my fear of intimacy. Part of it IS because I'm afraid I'll be criticized/thought less of if I'm intimate. The idea of getting close to someone (or rather them getting close to me) IS stressful, like you said... but I'm thinking it might be more likely that I'm afraid of judgement/criticism than getting hurt.
I do kind of like the chase, but for the most part I'm tired of it. I like that I get to enjoy feelings and blissful giddyness that come with the chase when it seems to be progressing a little without the risk of intimacy, and maybe that's what keeps me trying, but I don't really use it as a way for me to gain control or to build self-esteem/feel accepted. It does, however, seem more likely that I do the chasing than the other way around, so I guess it's possible that I need to see what happens if I just wait and see if a guy chases after me. I can't do that yet, however, because I (again) have a crush on this guy I've been friends with for a while. He MIGHT like me back... it's hard to say. I could see what happens if I just wait for him, but at the moment I like him a lot so I'm kind of wanting to go after him, haha! I'm not sure whether I feel vulnerable in general... I think any vulnerability I feel comes mainly from the idea of letting a guy know the *real* me. I think I have this wall I'm afraid to let down and I might see that wall being in danger when it looks like a relationship is starting to form.
I think reading what you guys wrote and me thinking of responses to them might have led me to figure out why I'm like this a little better. Maybe. But I wish I knew how to overcome this. Well, I guess therapy would help, but I wish there was a sort of 'quick fix.' I wish there was something I could do *now* or a strategy I could put into effect starting *now* so that if, for example, things start to work out with the guy I currently like sometime before therapy would start really working for me I won't push him away and I'll actually be able to build a relationship out of it.
I knew someone just like that. She would date but then lose interest quickly. She never had trouble getting a guy, she just let them go quickly. Her problem was not fear of intimacy but more that she liked the catch. Once she could determine she had the guy, the catch was over with--she won him. On and on it would go. The more challenging the guy, the more she felt in love with him-until she got him. People who are like this often have a difficult time with self-esteem. With each new guy, she felt temporarily better during the catching phase--it was almost as if she was testing to see if she was really worth it. It was her only way to feel worthy and accepted. She would go for the harder catch ones--like the ones already dating someone else--because of the challenge, not because he was taken and she wanted to avoid intimacy. The crazy thing is, she did really like one guy--her whole life--but he could care less. It drove her crazy and then he married and vanished. Then one day she met an average guy who also could care less about her. She could not win him until he finally told her she was trying to hard and to just be herself and get real. Then..he won her. I think what you deep down desire is to be won...to be chased, to be adored and to be loved. What you are doing, while fun, is a ton of work and not rewarding if each time you are the chaser or you are the one to break it off. Also, my friend enjoyed the control of it. She felt so vulnerable and like she had a lack of control all the time so she controlled her life to the point where it carried over to her relationships. Those things could be the same with you. The reason she avoided intimacy is because she also did not want to commit to a relationship she knew was not going to go anywhere--she knew that the person usually had way more feelings for her and hers were gone. When she finally did marry the guy who won her heart--she committed with her whole heart and realized that this is what she wanted all along. Last I talked to her, she was very happy.
Do you have any ideas where you SAD has come from? What might have ed to your developing this disorder?
From what you've posted, I would guess that your mind is shutting down once the feelings/relationship starts to intensify. It's an automatic response designed to protect your emotional/mental well-being. Usually something like this is the result of some traumatizing (probably childhood) response. Did someone abandon you or someone you love as a child? Did someone you were close to hurt you? (and I mean in an ugly, horrible way)
The emotional part of your brain stores information about how you responded to those situations, since early childhood. A bag experience can hardwire that response into your mind, so that even as an adult, you're reacting as though you would have as a child.
Fear of intimacy is big for a lot of people, because most people have been hurt and abused at some point in their life. It becomes too stressful to let someone close again. Their mind protects them by shutting down and blocking any possible entry (i.e. no one will ever hurt you again because you are not going to let them close).
Anyhow, I hope this isn't too far in left field. Give it some thought :)
From what you've posted, I would guess that your mind is shutting down once the feelings/relationship starts to intensify. It's an automatic response designed to protect your emotional/mental well-being. Usually something like this is the result of some traumatizing (probably childhood) response. Did someone abandon you or someone you love as a child? Did someone you were close to hurt you? (and I mean in an ugly, horrible way)
The emotional part of your brain stores information about how you responded to those situations, since early childhood. A bag experience can hardwire that response into your mind, so that even as an adult, you're reacting as though you would have as a child.
Fear of intimacy is big for a lot of people, because most people have been hurt and abused at some point in their life. It becomes too stressful to let someone close again. Their mind protects them by shutting down and blocking any possible entry (i.e. no one will ever hurt you again because you are not going to let them close).
Anyhow, I hope this isn't too far in left field. Give it some thought :)
Actually, believe it or not I've already been through this with a bunch of different types of guys. It's not that they aren't interested in me, it's that I can't hold onto my interest in them once they like me back.
Maybe this is all you can attract so find a way to make yourself more interesting to a better class of guy. Expand your circle of friends.
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