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feeling sexually inadequate
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feeling sexually inadequate

Hi there everyone i have been in a relationship with my girlfreind now for 8 years we used to have a fantastic sex life up until 5 years ago we are both young still at 28 i was a virgin up until i met her i was 20 when i met her i had major hang ups about sex and all my mates thought i had a really healthy sex life and she had had a really healthy sex life with many partners i didnt tell her she was my first and led her to believe i had been about a bit and had tryed most things the same as her she told me things that she had done and tryed and how she felt while trying enjoyed it but now i have told her the truth and she just doesnt seem keen on sex with me let alone trying new things when i said about it she said but i have done it already i feel like i cant match upto her previos experiance i know this is my problem but can anyone suggest ways to deal with how im feeling
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145992_tn?1341348674
I think your girlfriend is being a little insensitive here.  So what if she's done it before.  It wasn't with you.  That is completely selfish if she won't try the things you are asking with you just because she did it before.  Tell her how it makes you feel and tell her that you would really appreciate it if she could contribute some of her own ideas on how to spice up your sex life.  It can't only come from you, if she's done all of these things already then she should talk to you about trying things that she's never done.  But you need to communicate with her on how you're feeling.
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684030_tn?1415615923
I'm surprised that she isn't "keen" on teaching you everything that she knows.

Anyway, maybe, her seemingly lack of interest in having sex with you... isn't
about you and your inexperience, at all. Maybe, your girlfriend now feels uncomfortable with this revelation about yourself; and she is reflecting upon her
own sexual past which, when compared to yours, might be perceived as,
... promiscuous?

I think that you would both do well to discuss your thoughts and feelings.


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Avatar_m_tn
I'm in a similar situation.  I had slept with one girl before I met the girl I'm with.  My girlfriend tells me things like she went throw having sex drive like mine in her teens but no longer does. Her saying that makes me feel a lot of things; none of them good.  In some ways she is unenthused about sex because she had been vary sexually active in the past. Some times she makes it out to be that my performance in bed is lacking because she can't get turned on; never cruelly or outright.  I see that issue as a result of her past more then mine. I cant expect her to say I have had a lot of sex and its difficult for me to feel from it what I used to. I have found, short of ex-sighting her, there is nothing I can do to change things.  With my girlfriend it's really her sex drive not my experience and I have to remember that.  I don't know if any of this even reflects your situation.  I hope things work out for you  
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm in a similar situation.  I had slept with one girl before I met the girl I'm with.  My girlfriend tells me things like she went throw having sex drive like mine in her teens but no longer does. Her saying that makes me feel a lot of things; none of them good.  In some ways she is unenthused about sex because she had been vary sexually active in the past. Some times she makes it out to be that my performance in bed is lacking because she can't get turned on; never cruelly or outright.  I see that issue as a result of her past more then mine. I cant expect her to say I have had a lot of sex and its difficult for me to feel from it what I used to. I have found, short of ex-sighting her, there is nothing I can do to change things.  With my girlfriend it's really her sex drive not my experience and I have to remember that.  I don't know if any of this even reflects your situation.  I hope things work out for you  
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Avatar_f_tn
My girlfriends past makes me feel sexually inadequate and the least desirable I have ever felt.  She was a mistress to a married man, on and off for approximately 13 years, who didn't treat her well.  She had other relationships throughout, that she says just left her feeling flat, so she kept going back to the married guy.  He would summon her for sex.  She would meet him at some predetermined location, and then drive off in his truck, in which they'd talk for a bit before getting it on.  They would meet at other clandestine spots, like homes that he was working in.  She felt greatly desired, and the whole situation resulted in powerful, filthy, erotic sex.  The information, that I hoped would just have me understanding her better, and allow me to care for her better, has mostly served to have me feeling that I could never measure up to that kind of erotic intoxication.  Sex between us is incredible, until images born out of these stories pop into my head.  My erection deflates, as does the sexual energy between us...thus validating my inadequacy.  I'm becoming more and more afraid of this happening, and that is increasingly becoming my focus, over that of her and how she is passionately responding to me.  Our emotional relationship is extraordinary.  We communicate effortlessly, to the point of completing each other's sentenced.  The sexual situation affecting even that.  I am concerned that my insecurity is going to kill our, otherwise, amazing relationship.  My worst fear, is that she might return to him for sex.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sorry for this situation.  It sounds very hurtful.  I think you need to keep in mind that her affair with a married man perhaps means SHE is damaged. Women who choose that lifestyle do so for reasons and often it involves their own issues in life.  

So, maybe this woman is not a match for you.  

No one should feel like they don't measure up.  This will eat at your relationship until it dissolves.  

I know that this isn't what you want to hear.  That perhaps she is of low character.  And her connection to you being on a mental level can not be extraordinary if she leaves you feeling like her married lover was better at sex than you as certainly, someone in tune with your feelings wouldn't do that.  

This is a very old post.  You can start your own post and will likely get more responses than just mine.  But I did want to respond to you.  I feel for you.  I can tell you care for her and want this to work out . . .   but feeling bad about yourself doesn't work in mutual relationships.  good luck
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3060903_tn?1398568723
If it were me, I'd absolutely be thinking the exact same thing, The fact that she was involved with this married man at all, let alone for 13 years? speaks to her LOW character. How do you know that this relationship is even over now? A long long time ago, these two figured that they would continue for as long as they wanted to, despite his spouse, and hers.

It was wrong of her to get into details about her married man's prowess in bed. That's not something that a loving caring individual would say to someone they cared for and were initiating a loving caring relationship.. . Unless they are unable to truly care. And from her past pursuits it sounds like this is her character type.

If you were to find a nice young girl to settle down with, would you tell her of your sexual exploits with this current girlfriend? It seems to me that the only reason why a person would expose their bad character was to let you know on some level that they were not serious about the relationship,, and that it might just be another sexual fling.

I'm so sorry that my comments are so harsh. I can't honestly answer any other way. Just know this, don't allow this to tarnish your own ability to love.  My advice to you is to get away before this type of person changes you within. I would say to my own son, leave this like the fling that it began as. With your eyes wide open to the fact that this is just one in a string of sexual affairs this women has had. Wouldn't it be nice to feel what you are feeling with one that is capable of monogamous love? Save it for them son. Don't be sad to see it go, for go it must in order for you to find a nice girl that you can rely upon their word. And use this so that you are not as naive as you once were. Know that you must look at these red flags going through life. And act upon red flags. Refuse to be drawn down that road of ill repute. Save yourself for goodness, and light. (and yes, erotica in spades). It's just as easy to love and marry a nice woman, as it is a tramp.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
PS, i think the reason she told you this is because she may still be involved, and she can say, i let you know about it. (you should have known)
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you both.  I feel the need to add
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Avatar_f_tn
.....I was about to say, I feel the need to add, that this is a relatively new relationship.

We have been seeing each other for a little under four months.  In this time, we have managed to log about 12,000 minutes of talk time during our effort to get to know each other.  I have NEVER had a desire to talk on the phone this much.  This is how I arrive at describing our communication as extraordinary.  This also serves to make me feel as though our relationship is far older than it is....we've covered a LOT of ground in conversation in this short period of time.

There's a lot of Beaty going on too.  We're not a couple of kids.  I am 48 - she is 46.  We are doing our best to have our first, fully authentic relationship....  The idea being, that we reveal all about ourselves honestly, while making a promise to ourselves that we will use all of our experiences to learn more about ourselves....  That we will use our emotions to arrive at positive consequences, rather than destructive ones.  This has been the most challenging, yet rewarding experience of my life.

Our kids are involved now too.  They are bonding beautifully; helping each other, laughing, and developing common interests.  I can't help but see this as validation to the hours of discovering common parental philosophies.

I have met her father and step mother, with whom she is very close, who have been very welcoming to me.  They act as though they are VERY happy that I have come into their daughters life, because they are witnessing big changes in her....the largest, being that she took the trouble to introduce me at all, then, that she is so happy and sharing good stories about me and us.  Since her divorce in 2001, she has introduced only one other suitor.

So, I realize that my prior desciption could leave you feeling that, the affair should SCREAM unauthentic, liar, and perhaps other attributes of her character that make her a bad gamble.  But, I can't say that's all there is to it.

When I became aware of the magnitude of the significance this affair had on her life, it just didn't add up to all that I've learded about her moral compass.  In questioning her, I learned that the affair began with some flirting, toward the end of her 10 year, three kid marriage.  She was extremely lonely, and emotionally needy.  This guy noticed, paid her some attention, to which she responded, and it went on from there.   They had an emotional affair, prior to her divorce, that led to physical just after her divorce.  He was not married yet.  The attention was intoxicating to her.  He began being verbally abusing and stalking her. She got out.  He quickly got married, she learned of this and confronted him about his ability to replace her so quickly....then the affair restarted....steadily for four years, then continuing off and on for eight more between the other relationships she had.  By questioning her, I discovered that he used a demonstration of caring, guilt, and stalking to keep her servile to him....she viewed this as further great desire for her, rather than a lack of caring and objectifying of her.  I also learned that he used a lot of toys on her, never really caring about her satisfaction.  It was all about his getting off on possessing her.  She got off on his.getting off.  Intense, nonetheless.  Basically,  that affair was like heroine to her as a lonely divorcee that she couldn't break free from.  
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3060903_tn?1398568723
My girlfriends past makes me feel sexually inadequate and the least desirable I have ever felt.

in the past, she would go back to this guy, when there were challenges
you're saying that you are experiencing a problem in bed with her
and by your words, "she makes me feel inadequate"
this is alarming talk ? you've said that she has told you how good the sex was with this guy,

My second husband was my favourite waste of time.
Time and time again, the relationship proved to be inadequate
and harmful to my psychi
i wouldn't give a nice guy a chance
because the sex was incredible
the only thing that stopped this relationship from consuming me
was his death
that's how powerful and intense the sexual connection was

I'm just saying, this guys not dead
and she is not caring enough about you to not make you feel inadequate,
your words

a person asks for advice, and then rallies their defenses when given something to think about
maybe she is your forbidden fruit, someone exciting, i'm just saying
in a just world, a person would not pursue a relationship where one person made them feel  grossly inadequate.

i wish you the very best, and after reading your reply, i realize that you have no intention of stopping this, so go with it in good health.
talk to her about whatever it is she is doing that is making you feel so inadequate,
maybe talk to a counselor together,
she may be a great person who is confused about how to talk to a mate
i wish you well. ..
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Avatar_f_tn
"My second husband was my favourite waste of time.
Time and time again, the relationship proved to be inadequate
and harmful to my psychi.  I wouldn't give a nice guy a chance
because the sex was incredible the only thing that stopped this relationship from consuming me was his death that's how powerful and intense the sexual connection was"

This is both helpful and validating to me.  Thank you.
My last reply, was not to be defensive, only to illustrate that I have indications that she has become aware of the emptiness that she came from to turn toward a better life...not conclusive proof.  

This is my conflict.  Our relationship was effortless until I became aware of this past of hers.  I just felt as though I had painted a picture of a purely bad scenario in my first post, and hadn't fully illustrated why I am conflicted....  I rather expected I would be advised that I was being overly sensitive and judgmental.  I greatly appreciate your input.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I'm glad i could be of help, I know how hard it is to want something someone so bad, that you are unsure of. You never said how it was left with this guy. and why they are not getting together still. Are you sure that's not happening?  

Maybe she's informing you about the type of sex that excites her to give you some hints? The fact is that she is trying to make it work with you. I know that you're feeling inadequate, but is that you or her that's making that so? If it's you then you can do something about it. If it's her, you can let her know that's it's not helpful and to cease and desist. if she want's it to work out between you. If it's worth it to you both, you can go to a sexual therapist that might help you both get in touch with exactly what she wants in your lovemaking. But do one thing today. and STOP feeling inadequate. I think that she probably is very smitten with you, and that at your ages it might well be the relationship that is able to fulfill her in every way. You have to get this inadequacy thing resolved though, once and for all. asap.
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