general question about relationships

[akitagurl12]

Can someone tell me what a healthly, loving couple is like?  I know this is a dumb question, but I really have never experienced it or witnessed it growing up.  My life has been surrounded by dysfunction.  I recently started facing my own demons, got out of a really messed up relationship with an acoholic and for the first time in a long time the desire to ever attempt to get into another relationship with someone is gone.  I have absolutely no hope.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

First, I would like to suggest  - there is always "a dark side of the moon".  Nothing is as it "seems", no One is "truely" normal.  There is "dysfunction" in all families.  Some more than others, but always present.  There are "deficits" or "weakness" to some degree in ALL of us.  It's the human condition!!  (no one is perfect!!)
That  being said,
THIS is what I think Love is:

It is NOT breathlessness
It is NOT excitement
It is NOT the promise of "eternal passion"
these things are just being "in love", which any of Us can convince OurSelves We are.

LOVE itself is whats left over after being "in love" has burned away!!

A Marriage needs:
Love
Trust
Honor
Respect and
Desire

The People in the Marriage need to EMBODY the ADJECTIVE forms of those words:
LoveABLE
TrustWORTHY
HonorABLE
RespectABLE and
DesireABLE

If one of the Persons stops being those things, the marriage will suffer.

SO!!  Take Your time.  Choose wisely.  Love is a CHOICE.  We ALWAYS have CHOICE!!

Good Luck and Regards,
Tink

[brice1967]

I think all of us want that fairly tale relationship.  With that said, I think healthy and loving has many faces these days.  Maybe this goes back too far for you, but the t.v. show "Leave it to Beaver" comes to mind as the quintessential healthy, loving family.

Dad works, mom keeps the house immaculate and the kids are kids, doing kid things.  Everything seems wonderful and carefree....  That's t.v. for you.

Everyone is different and different things work for different families.  I grew up with so many friends whose family dynamics were so different.  What was normal in my house was common in a few.  As generic as this sounds, happy and healthy is what you make of it, I guess.  

[nursegirl6572]

Agree 100% SM!  There IS no such thing as a relationship without problems.  That's a fantasy.  It's how couples HANDLE the problems that come up that determines how healthy their union is.  And, if a couple THINKS they don't have problems, they're either in denial, or turning a blind eye and sweeping it under the rug (which leads to disaster).

I, too have been married a good while, almost 14 years, and let me tell you we've been through a LOT.  BIG problems, life changing problems, things that rock your world.  But, we worked through them and are stronger as a couple as a result.

AND, also...if we had never gone through the trials and tribulations we have, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good things as much as we do.

[specialmom]

Oh, all relationships that are long term will have problems to work through.  In actuallity, that is what can make a couple closer.  I've been married a long time and I will tell you that couples work through problems all the time.  It a show of strength when a couple can do that.  If they don't have the commitment to work through it, yes.  Problems end the relationship.

I just don't want folks to think a healthy relationship is one that has roses and happy moments all the time.  That is fantasy.  

good luck

[nursegirl6572]

" It just means there is a bump in the road and they must get over it together."  


SO worth repeating!!!!!

You're SO wise, my friend!  <3

[specialmom]

Sweetie, always have hope.  Set firm expecations and expect your partner and the relationship to live up to them.

Here is my idea of a healthy relationship:   Two people that are equals that may not agee on everything but respect one another coming together to share their lives together.  They spend a lot of time together but also have activities and friends of their own.  They enjoy good conversation, laugh a lot, and work together when their is a problem.  They know what matters most to the other person because they feel comfortable talking about it.  They have trust.  They have faith.  And they are supportive of each other.  I think it helps to have the same sleep cycles (late birds with late birds and morning people with morning people) and that they enjoy a healthy physical relationship.  Having a few things that they like to do in common, the more the better.  A healthy couple knows how to handle things when angry and doesn't take low blows and can be patient with their partner and gentle when they need it.  And a couple that can ask for help when they need it will most likely survive hard times.  Oh, and hard times do not mean a couple should end it.  It just means there is a bump in the road and they must get over it together.  

I wish you all the best.  Hold people to high standards always including yourself.  good luck

[nursegirl6572]

Well, as you can imagine, there are no "one size fits all" answer to your question.  Because everyone is different and unique, everyone has different expectations from a relationship.


I had a big lonig reply typed, and it was jumbled and all over the place..so I'm taking a simpler route.  I'm just going to list traits I feel are important to a successful relationship.  Relationships aren't easy, and both partners have to be willing to work at it...both when things are rough, and even when they're not.  Different traits are more important to some people than others.

The biggest one, IMO is COMMUNICATION.  

Here are some others....love, mutual respect, compassion, security, individuality and independence (have other interests), shared future goals, committment, sacrifice, healthy sexual attraction, patience, selflessness, and COMMUNICATION.


Different kinds of romantic relationships  require different levels of committment, obviously...and because traditional marital relationships have changed, I don't think as many people take committments as seriously as they should.  Relationships have become disposable and something that has become acceptable to "quit" with very little effort put forth to fix any issues.  People just DON'T respect a bond like they should...especially with legal marriage.

Relationships are ALWAYS a work in progress.  They can always be improved on...and partners who really value theirs will never stop trying to do just that!

[pitter]

Hi, I am certainly no expert. But, I was in a relationship with an alcholic also.  For 7 years. I went to lots of therapy, lots.
Well there is reason to hope. Because most alcoholics are not emotionally well people. Most of them stopped growing up when they started drinking, so there fore you were probably dealing with an adolescent  self centered mindset.  So don't judge the world by just him.
You probably need some therapy for yourself.
We have to be very careful with whom you let into your heart and world.
It is late and I am tired, but wanted to answer you a little at least.
Have faith, and hope, there are alot of good minded men out there, get your self into a good place, and be happy!