Relationships Community
girlfriend and her past
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

girlfriend and her past

Hi Everyone,

I've never posted on this particular forum, but I needed some advice and got the courage to talk about it. I've been dating my current girlfriend for the past 3 months. Things have gotten very serious. I have truly and honestly fallen in love with her. When we first started dating I made her aware of the fact that I was a virgin. About 2 dates in she decided to tell me she wasn't a virgin. This did not actually bother me. We are both 21 and I've come to understand that at that age it is likely you've had a serious partner at least once. She said it was a mistake and that it was only a means to cover up a bad relationship. It bothered me a little bit, but I soon got past it. As time went on she slipped more details about her past sexual experiences into our conversations. She had had multiple sexual partners within months of dating me. Some she wasn't even in a relationship with. This DID bother me. She stated that she went through a bad time where she had lost a best friend and another one was ignoring her, so she looked to physical relationships for attention. I understand that this shouldn't affect the current relationship that I am in. I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. She can literally trigger or relax me based on the situation. She is my anchor. When I need help, she is there for me. She can change the entire mood for my day. Sometimes these past relationships will come up and a new detail will emerge and will plague me for days. It sets off my anxiety and there is nothing that either of us can do about it. I do NOT want to lose her. I love her with all of my heart. I have told her on a few occasions that I would rather not know any more about her past or any details. Still, it will slip and she will instantly recognize what she did and apologize. I feel awful because she shouldn't have to apologize for her past. I feel awful because I let it affect me. Please let me know if there is any advice you can give me to get past this. She is the one for me and I know it. Everyone has a past and to lose the best relationship I have ever had based on the past would be ridiculous. I fell in love with the girl I am with, not the one she was.
Tags: past, girlfriend, Anxiety, Love
Related Discussions
11 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
1092854 tn?1292623951
Well i know how u kinda feel im at the other end of that. Im the female that has had that kinda past i was married for 10yrs in abusive marrage and when i got out of it i was very active(sexually) thinking thats what i had to do to find love or show love. iv now learned that was not the way to do it. Iv now found the most amazing man and he has had so hard times with my past too. we had talk alot of marrage and now cuz iv not given him ******** and he thinks that i use sex to show him love. i dont know what to do. now i have panic attacks he is not all the reason my ex is causing me lot of problems and that is the big prob this other stuff just adds to it. If she loves u like u love her then i know she feels guilty its a female thing cuz i know that i feel that way i was totally honest b4 we started anything i felt that was what i had to do and was not thinking we would b together. now we are and i feelin lost and sad
Blank
Avatar m tn
I know the past does not only hurt one partner in the relationship. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your 1st husband. I truly am. I know the guys she was with before me just used her. Sometimes I'll still get images in my head of her with the other guys and it kills me. It shouldn't. It really has nothing to do with me. We have a very open speaking relationship. We say what is on our minds so that we avoid silly problems. This has helped immensely. However, because we are so comfortable the past will slip in and remind us both of those days. She regrets it a lot. I can see it in her eyes. She and I are very much in love and she gets scared that she will lose me. I fear losing her because her past relationships have made me a bit insecure. I have no reason to fear that she will ever cheat on me or that she would hurt me. So why does it hurt so bad to think about the past? It was before me and we have no way to know who we'll end up with. I just want her to know that I love her regardless. I just wish we could both forget it and go on with our lives. She doesn't like speaking about it and I don't either. We are working to forget it together. I just need advice on how to get past the images in my head. They lead to my anxiety and develop into fears and insecurities. I eventually get past them, but the pain is in the details for me. Please let me know if you have any advice on how to get past this. Thanks.
Blank
1100763 tn?1264632098
3months is not enough time to get to know someone, maybe you should slow down take time to get to know each other. You have already found out that her talking about her past  is overwhelming for you.She maybe trying to vent or trying to heal and that is why she talks or slips  I don't think she is trying to hurt in any way when she talks about her past.It may be a release for her .Why doe's it bother you so much? Is it because you can't picture her with someone else? We all have made mistakes in the past that is haw we learn.The past is what made her what she is today and that is the person you fell in love with.Communication is the key to a good relationship she should be able to talk to you with out you getting upset. Just remember she is with you. Good luck
Blank
1092854 tn?1292623951
yea i agree that if u start things being open it is to help heal. i have lot to heal and still lots going on. i just pray that my bf will give me the chance to heal and to see that i do love him. today i just felt like my heart droped out of my chest when he said that we should wait on the marrage after all that we have said it just hurt me deeply and back to what i have been through i feel like im not wanted (to me its not bout the sex) its being close to him. i have court tmw against my ex for a PPO he has been telling me he wants me to die and i have not been able to see my kids in 3 weeks. sorry to bother u with my probs u have urs to deal with. just venting... when the images come in just stop and think of the two of you and see if that helps. keep me posted on how things are. i wish you the very best and ur in my prayers
nikki
Blank
Avatar m tn
I should probably mention that I've known her for years. 3 months would seem short, but that's just not the relationship as a whole. Time really doesn't play into it here. Yes, it is because I can't imagine her with someone else. I've tried to be as open as possible with her. I'd rather go through all of this pain than have her deal with it alone. She just hates talking about it as well. I'm here for her no matter what. I just needed advice on how to help myself. I know the past is what makes the person we love today. I am grateful for the healthy relationships she has had that helped shape her. She IS with me and I am very happy. I just need to get past this. Thank you for your post.
Blank
Avatar m tn
I wish you the best of luck. Do not worry about venting on here. These forums are here to help you and I. I hope you and your boyfriend can work things out. He may be having insecurities like I do regarding the marriage. The only thing I can say is to hold on and not give up on the relationship. He may be having a hard time and needs time to evaluate what he is going through. The only thing I can suggest is to make sure he knows you love him, sex or not. These things will pass and this will pass for me. I see a very good future with my girlfriend. This is why I'm asking for advice. I will get past this. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to vent. Being on both sides of this helps. Thanks and I pray that everything works out for you.
Blank
686059 tn?1293837427
We all have a past and to be honest with you my advice would be that you are in the early stages of this relationship and you do have time to re-evaluate it and step back and out with not too much emotional investment, but if you decide to stay with her, I think you need to put her past behind, because it was there before you! and she needs to respect you and never bring it up and make that clear. Also, make sure that she is not a candidate for infidelity, because I didn't like the comment, "She stated that she went through a bad time where she had lost a best friend and another one was ignoring her, so she looked to physical relationships for attention.". This would make her a risk for infidelity when things go wrong within a relationship and she will turn to other men for comfort. Make sure to make it clear that you will not tolorate infidelity if you had problems in the relationship.  Good luck...Judy
Blank
1100763 tn?1264632098
If you started out as friends and now you are in a relationship, your gonna be fine. My husband and I started out as friends 24yrs ago and now we are going on 23yrs of marriage. Good Luck :)
Blank
145992 tn?1341348674
I have to be blunt here and you may not like it but here it goes.  This is YOUR issue, not HERS.  The fact that you make her feel bad for her sexual past is going to cause her serious anxiety as well.  Yes, she shouldn't of shared that much details about her past but perhaps since she considers you a friend as well, she felt comfortable with telling you the truth about her past.  Obviously it's not something she is proud of because she was sleeping with men to fill a void and came out of a very dysfunctional relationship.  She doesn't see them the same way you do.  Her past is that, her past and it is clear that she is with you because she has feelings for you.  Not the same as her past relationships.  I was in a very similar situation, I was 24 going on 25 when I met my fiance and had some relationships and some sexual relationships that were just that, SEX.  My fiance found my journal and read it and blew up over a fling I had in Cancun right before I met him.  He couldn't fathom that I could sleep with someone I barely knew.  To me, I was not in a relationship, I was getting out of a very bad one and felt the need to do something that wasn't in my character.  I was very disconnected from men and really had serious trust issues with them.  I wasn't looking to get serious because I had been burned so many times before.  I wanted to use men, then way they used me.  Call it a power trip, a way to gain back my control.  I know, it sounds odd, but that's how I saw it.  I didn't expect anything from them because I had been so disappointed with them in the past.  I explained this to him and he couldn't see my side and held it against be for a long time.  He would bring it up and throw it in my face and it hurt me.  It made me feel dirty and made me angry that he would hold something that I did before he knew me, against me.  It was very unfair.  I'm sure she would rather not know that you had a sexual past either but some people feel comfortable in sharing that with their current partner.  She needs to be reminded that you don't want to know about her sexual past but you need to come to terms with your anxiety and stop using her past as a weapon against her.  
Blank
1072573 tn?1353171149
yeah,i do agree with mammi 1323....she needs to have a warm shoulder,if you say you love her with all of your heart ,how are you going to show this to her?so,my friend,dont be selfish,you said ,you love the girl she is now,but........it`s pitiable the fact ,cos it doesnt mean she was a bad girl even then,but life came to capture her in a bad way..so,she has never been happy at all,and i think i can say she has suffered,cos she in the meantime has been felling frustrated by all those men....so...be nicer,and think about her happiness,cos you are thinking about yoy happiness to,cos u love her...dont you?WISH YOU THE BEST...
Blank
Avatar m tn
Read it in another website. It may help you.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you can't trust the person, and what they say, then it erodes the relationship. If her past was important to you, and she lied about it to manipulate you into a relationship, then that doesn't bode well for making the relationship work long-term. She has the mindset that honesty in a relationship is not important, but getting what she wants is the most important thing to her.

I wonder what would have happened if the OP's gf told the truth about the number of men she slept with vs those she had relationship with and actually didn't feel ashamed of it. I have a female friend that had a wild past and she doesn't feel one bit bad about it and does it if she's single and not looking for a relationship but when she's with a bf, then she's faithful. I'm guessing she would have been judged either way and forced to feel bad or guy walks away right away. It's a lose-lose situation really.

I don't think it is a lose-lose. It is a win because you now know that this person is judgemental and not right for you. Why would you want to be with someone that is judging you?

Say you meet a guy that is perfect in all ways, EXCEPT you know he will be judgemental of your past.

Do you think the solution to that incompatibility is to lie?

I think the lying is what creates the lose-lose situation.

The judgemental partner would be in love with the image that the lying person chose to portray. If he discovers the lie, he may feel manipulated & see his partner as a fraud. If he has fallen in love by this point, he will be very confused because his strong feelings for her will cause a conflict within him. He will feel like he is settling for less than what he wants, but he still doesn't want to lose her, so he will bargain with himself & rationalize his doubts. These kinds of relationships can drag on for years, with tons of drama. He loves her & wants her, but those feelings of being duped and looking stupid will cause him to always keep her at arms length. There will lots of arguments. He will constantly jump from being loving & sweet, to cold & closed off because the good moments will be peppered with flashes of "She lied to me", "I deserve better", "I'm so stupid", "What else did she about?". I'm not saying the liar deserves this treatment, I'm just pointing out the issues that are very common in these situations.

The judged/lying partner is put in the position of not being able to be herself. She knows that if he knew the truth, he would view her as inferior or "less than"- this is why she lied (avoiding conflict). This can set up a dynamic that can damage her sense of self worth. Instead of finding a partner that is right for her, she is manipulating reality to fit her agenda. She feels jusitifed in lying because she sees his judgement as being wrong ("I'm not like that anymore"). Her goal should be to find someone that loves & accepts her for who she is- not to portray an image that she thinks will be more acceptable. This will only create more feelings of shame & inadequacy. It also perpetuates her desire to avoid conflict. When you tell people what they want to hear- and it works- over time it can become their default method of dealing with conflict. Avoiding conflict & discomfort by telling lies is much easier than facing problems & issues in a relationship. I would say it is rare that this starts and ends with ONE lie.

You don't get to pick and choose what other people care about. You may know 100% that your promiscuous days are over- but it's still not right to skew reality. Other people have every right to set their standards for what they want in a partner. If you don't fit those standards, find someone else that is more compatible.

Also, "everyone lies about this" is only a rationalization.

A romantic relationship involves a bond & intimacy between two people. It's about honesty, personal integrity & loyalty. It's about trust, vulnerability & connection.

The pain & confusion that comes with discovering your partner lied is not negated because "everyone lies about this". The bond doesn't remain intact because "I had a good reason to lie- you would've judged me!". When you lie to a person that has trust in you- it tarnishes the bond, it compromises the connection & erodes the intimacy. What other people lie about is redundant- this is only about those two people & their relationship. It's about their expectations, responsibility, accountability to EACH OTHER.

There is a saying that a relationship or a family is "only as sick as it's secrets". It means that secrets kill intimacy and create an unhealthy dynamic.

So for the OP in this scenario, I would ask: Do you value this relationship enough to change your standards? Do you value this relationship enough to forgive the lies? Can you let go of the resentment? And for the woman, I would ask: Do you value yourself enough to find someone that accepts you? Do you think its healthy to be with someone who feels like they are settling for you, or that you are inferior? Can you be assertive & honest, and push through those feelings of "wanting to please"? Can you cope with stress & conflict in a relationship in healthy ways (not lying)?
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources