guy cheated now he is a jerk

I have been with the guy of my dreams for 5 yrs...engaged for 3 now.He slept with another women in Jan of this year. He claims he is sorry about it.Now that time has went by and he is done trying to prove he messed up, to me I feel its in the past to him but not me. I never cheated on him.I was told two wrongs dont make a right, but I fined that he thinks he is hot now and could get any girl,which to me makes me chuckle,because I see his looks and excuse his beer gut because I love him for him.But 5 yrs ago he was in good shape,had barely any wrinkles,and not much white hair.He is going to be 43 in a couple weeks I am 33. But as we have been together we both gained weight,which he told me that I am fat to him and need to lose some....i think maybe thats why he cheated...i dont no though.But his white hair,wrinkles,and his tummy dont turn me off because i love him. But now after he cheated I find he is not the guy i fell in love with even though i still love him.I dont forgive him for cheating,but i do think what comes around should go around. I think I need to sleep with someone to show him how it feels,people say thats just hurting me,but I think I would show him that I am beautiful and others would want me, I have had lots of chances before,so I no I could now? I would like to hear from guys and girls on this.How did cheating turn my guy into a disrespectful pr*** to me and make him be always checking other women out?....I no I have to do it back to him,but not in my small town I need to do it some where else. oh any adivce please!

[RockRose]

GWEN,  don't debase yourself just to get revenge!  Good lord,  girl.

It sounds like the relationship is over,  he has either always been a jerk and has hidden it,  or he wants out and is trying to drive you to make the first move so he doesn't feel guilty.

It's time to move on.  But it isn't time for you to lose your self-respect and dignity just to attempt to hurt him - because it won't.

[mami1323]

Well here goes my expertise on this subject....lol.  I have been with my fiance for 6 years, he had cheated on me for close to 2 years and I found out in August of 2008.  I was pregnant for their affair and only found out when our son was 9 months old.  Well after 7 months of couples counseling and finding our love again.  It's still a hard pill to swallow.  I have not forgiven him yet and have found it extremely difficult to let go.  I'm trying for the sake of our son and he has been proving himself to me all the time.  With that being said, I had the same feelings that you did.  Maybe I would feel better if I got him back by doing it to him.  But in the end, it wouldn't make what he did go away.  It wouldn't change what happened, in in actuality it will only cause more problems in our relationship.  It will not heal my wounds but would only make me feel disgusted about myself.  You do not need to sleep with someone else in order to see your self worth.  That has to come from within, you have to know you are desirable without having to cheat back.  If you are unhappy with your bf then break up with him.  If you are unable to move past the hurt and you see him differently, move on and find someone that you feel is a better person for you.  Why go back and forth and add more damage to this relationship.  I understand that feeling of destruction, the man I once loved is no longer who he is to me any more.  That person doesn't exist anymore.  If I chose to stay I have to start over and try to love the man he is now.  Not the man who cheated but the man who has vowed to make it up to me, the one who is pledging his love and devotion to me and our family.  That's who I have to fall in love with.  So you either stay and learn to love who he is now or you leave and sleep with whomever you choose.  But my best advice is don't look to hurt him back because deep down the one who will hurt still will be you.  It won't erase what he did and in the end it won't solve anything.

[AHP84]

No, you don't need to do this to get back at him or show him how it feels. That will not solve anything between you two, it'll just make you both guilty.
What he did was wrong and horrible to you. There is no excuse for cheating in a committed relationship from either party, no matter what the circumstances. There is no excuse, whether it be he thought you were fat or you wanting to get revenge. Cheating is cheating, and no one benefits. No one in the relationship walks away or comes back without something being permanently broken, from emotional heartbreak to broken families.
There are many other more appropriate actions for you to take here that will be either better for you, or better for the relationship you want to save.
First, if you want to save the relationship, instead of getting back at him, try going into relationship/marriage counseling so both of you can work through this together and hopefully come to a point of forgiveness. It could take months, even years, but if your relationship means that much to you, it will be completely worth it. A counselor can lead you both through a time of getting to know each other all over again in a completely different way, often better than when you first met. This is possible. If both of you want to remain together despite what's happened in the past, this is the route I'd suggest going.
Secondly, you can leave him. Plain and simple. You may still love him, but clearly, things have changed. He has stepped outside the committment of your relationship and now continues to treat you disrespectfully. Perhaps leaving him will make him appreciate you and love and respect you enough to realize just how terrible his mistake was, and after a time, you could consider taking him back. Or not. Time is known to heal and/or numb emotions, so you may find yourself moving on in life and enjoying things that you otherwise would never have known.
But most importantly, don't reduce yourself to his level of betrayal. There is no healing in that. The other two suggestions I've made provide an opportunity for a future without harsh, bitter feelings towards eachother, but cheating gets no one anywhere, and certainly doesn't progress the relationship to a whole new level of genuine trust and respect.
If you want to move on in life with another man, then break off the relationship with your fiance first with no intention of going back to him. That's the proper and moral thing to do if you're that desperate to show him that you've still got the ability to attract other men.
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time and such heartbreak. But you can find healing in all this. It is possible. There are others in this forum who have found success in their relationship after infidelity, and others who have found a successful life after leaving a relationship with infidelity. But the last thing you want to do is the exact same thing that was done to you by the one you love.

[iam1butterfly]

I can't see what cheating for the sake of getting even would accomplish... if you're thinking that it'll mitigate the disappointment and pain of your boyfriend's infidelity, or that it'll validate you as a desirable woman; it won't... at least, not in the long term. Weight, wrinkles and losing one's good looks are merely peripheral issues; and, I doubt that they factor into this situation in a significant way. Now, if you're concluding that he is no longer " the guy [you] fell in love with" even though you "still love him" then, what you need to do is reassess the direction of the relationship and determine whether or not it's worth saving... or can be saved.

[Jennifer1987]

As you said two wrongs DONT make a right, don't lower yourself to his level. What you described there is my story to.
I was with my fella for 2 years and recently ended it because I couldn't handle it anymore! The amount of anxiety I have over this relationship is unreal.
He cheated on me with his ex, and broke my heart! I was so upset and so torn apart that I didn't know what to do. I ended it but only for a few weeks, after him begging me and buying dozens of roses I gave in. So we tried to get back to normal, changed our entire relationship, stopped going out on weekends, I couldn't trust him. We were not the couple we were. He then began to do other stuff like go away on weekends to his friend, he ended it a few times and like a fool I took him back. He put everything first except me.. That just broke my entire world, killed me inside....... he wasn't the man I fell for.
I tried so desperatly to save what we had, over and over again! But I couldn't. . . . . .

Eventually it all took its tole on me. I nearly died, anxiety and felt so bad. I new it was my relationship but didn't want to admit it..... The point Im making is it will have a bad effect on your health, if he is not being the man you want and need then you should consider getting out... I know it will be the hardest decision of your life... It was without a doubt the worst for me... Choosing to give up the love of my life was something I thought Id never have to do....I miss him so much but know I must get over it....

If you don't help yourself, no-one else will!

[gwen2002]

im not saying always a jerk now,im just saying that he is different to me.I dont no if he even loves me anymore. This is what happened.
I met the man of my dreams just about six years ago now. We both are divorced.He is 42 and I am 33.We have no children together, he has a boy and a girl that live with there mother,I have my two kids living with me.This guy and I moved into together and lived together four about 4 yrs. we got engaged after a year,so been engaged for about 3 years,I choosed to move out of his house due to there was just not enough room there,my daugghter as a teenager wanted her own room and not to share with her brother.I moved out telling him that once my daughter is done school in two years than maybe I would move back in. We started having fights about everything from big to small for the past year.We would go days without talking,then we would talk and be ok for a bit again--- but this was a up down thing for 12 months. We had a fight about my daughters dad being at my home on friday night,so we were not talking Saturday, Saturday he went to a dance,my daughter was at this dance. At the dance he decided to flirt,dance,sit on the girls knee,he was after her.My daughter who is 16 yrs old seen this and also co-workers of mine.After the dance he announced PARTY at his house.My daughter including her friends went,My boyfriend (Hubby to be) had friends go including this girl. This girl is 28 yrs old,gets around,she is the town **ut.At his party they held hands,kissed then he decided to wallk her to his room and put her in bed.He then sat at the table had a smoke my daughter said she warned him not to do anything with her,he said he would not.I found out two days after as my daughter did not want to tell me because she new how hurt I would be,she made him tell me.At first he said nothing happened,then he said yes they did have sex,as of now he is saying nothing happened.I no this girl and how she does everyone, if he did not want to have sex with her he would of slept on the couch,so there is no question at all if they had sex or not I no they did. I have never forgave people when they done we wrong,I walked out of a marriage when I felt I was being done wrong on. I hate him for cheating.I did call the girl and tell her off. But I love this guy so much I feel I just cant let him go,but I also feel this might happen again! So what do I do is the question?
We got back together after a bit,it was wonderful,but now its just worst than it was.Now he checks girls out all the time.told me my weight is too much.just hard to explain how different he is. I dont understand why doing the same thing back to him would not be right.When we have sex I think of them,I want him to think of me in another mans arms. It may make me feel shame but in the end let him see that you dont sweep it under the carpet.To him its over and done with,its not to me.It hurts so bad that my guy held another women like he held me. It drives me crazy-----I want him back,I dont want this joker who thinks he can get anybody when that is such a joke.Leave him some said,ya I could do that (been thinking of it again) but why would I just leave when I never felt or had love like this.

[mami1323]

Hon it's not love if he cheated and then now continues to do things that are destructive to the relationship.  I would say give it a chance if he was remorseful and regretful and vowed never to do wrong by you again and stuck by that.  If he was treating you like gold and making you feel like he made the biggest mistake of his life and never will take you for granted again, then stay.  But it sounds like to me he's not looking to change and he doesn't care if he hurts you.  To flirt with some girl and to kiss some girl in front of your child is disgusting to say the least.  I don't think he was ever a great guy, he just put on a front and made you think he was.  The man you once knew never really existed but was an act.  Even if he was real, he's not that person anymore and he isn't even trying to become a better person after the fact.  The best revenge you could have is to leave him and move on with your life and be happy.  He sounds like he has some mid-life crisis issues.  He's in his 40's and chasing young girls around and partying like he's in his 20's.  He has issues beyond repair and honestly, I think that you will be hurting again and again because of him.  Wishing you the best because I don't have high hopes for this relationship.

[Jennifer1987]

If you think this relationship is worth saving then sit him down and tell him  how he is making you feel.... I know what you mean when you say hes a different fella, my ex changed loads after he cheated, I tried sooooo hard to get past this. I forgave (well I think I did) but i didn't forget! Never will! He broke my heart, The fella Im in love with, the love of my life lost all respect for me, he didn't respect that I was still hurting, didn't see why after a few months I was still jurting! The first time we got intimate after he cheated I cried! It was still in my head after so many months!

Thats not a good sign. Everytime I wasn't with him I wondered where he was and who he was with! I would see her on nights out and she would just taunt us... All the time, so EVENTUALLY I flipped... When I saw hee I saw red and thought of all the stuff she did to me..  I made sure she knew I wasn't messing!

Words cant describe the pain and hurt I went through, it has had a bad effect on my health.. Anxiety and worry just built up... Just don't let him treat you badly, you deserve more than that! My opinion is if he isn't trying to show you hes sorry then he never will..

Get out while you can! I did and Im heart broken, keeping busy to get over things but its supposed to get better in time! Il fine out LOL

[treazzure007]

please don't stoop to his level.  if you loathe him that much, leave him.  it sends the same message- that you don't accept him and that treatment, you didn't like it, and you will be fine and dandy w/out him