hard to handle ex wife

[porterNlove]

Iam recently engaged to a wonderful man who is everything I have ever dreamed of but there is one problem.. His ex wife! Went i met my future husband was recently divorced and had a 2 year old son from his marriage. And his ex was actually really nice but now she has went crazy! she calls to ask his advice on school or her personal life, asks him for money even though she has no job, and even her mother is in on it! His ex wife will call to talk to her son then tell my fiance that she loves him, or just makes random stops at his house. she is really upsetting me! i know that she is obivously still in love with him and wants him back and i cant stand her! the reason for the divorce was because she was unfaithful so i know she has no problem breaking up a home, but i also know that my fiance would NEVER cheat on me. I trust my future hubby but she is really starting to get under my skin, and now she has started to put his child in the middle! she tells his son to call me ugly and fat and that i shouldnt marry his dad because his mommy is better! i know that his son is just a child so in no way will i ever hold that against him but she is putting him up to this and it is the last straw! i love my future husband and cant imagine a life with out him but she is becoming to much!! how do i handle this??

[RockRose]

I think how you should handle this is back off,  and let your fiance go back to his wife and child.   It sounds like she is REALLY remorseful,  and ready to put energy into her family.  If your fiance wanted to put an end to this,  he would have,  long ago.  For the sake of this little baby,  let him go back and be an actual involved father.

Hey,  you asked.  ;D

[porterNlove]

i understand i did ask but ialso think that is important to tell you that one: my fiance has his son all week and his ex only has him friday night and saturday- and seond, my fiance doesnt want her back. if he did he would go back and would have asked me to marry him. thanks for your opinion.

[RockRose]

I think you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of trouble,  by marrying this man who has a baby with an ex-wife, and she wants him back, and the baby is in the middle.

You can volunteer for this if you like.  

[porterNlove]

setting my self up for trouble? he doesnt put his child in the middle she does. volunteer for what?

[yankeegirl2]

I too was divirced when my daughter was small (5 years old) and my ex husband went on to find a lovely lady. I think I handled it better because I too was in love and am financially independent BUT from an ex wives point of view. I think she wants her cake and to eat it too, if that is how the saying goes. When she had him she cheated on him and he was disposable. Now he is someone else's and she loves him? No I think she liked it the way it was before you - she was free of him but he was still around to help out for the sake of the kid. You are going to ruin her free ride. She was single with the benefits of a partner. If he went back to her (not that he even wants to) - she'd cheat again while he paid the rent / mortgage and fixed the plumbing... I think you need to talk to him calmly - maybe counseling and get him to see that being a great Dad does not mean taking care of Mommy. It means respecting her in front of the kids and being nice but he has no other obligations. He also has to address how she talks about you. I think it is wonderful that you are not blaming the child for her influences. To me - that says you will be a great step Mom. And why is she not with the kids more? Is it also related to a need for freedom? Her Mom probably hopes your boyfriend would take her back and relieve the Mom of that burden. My ex was a carpenter and just as great with electronics and all. I admit I found myself asking for favors especially after I bought my house but I caught myself and realized it was disrespectful to his new wife. We all get along great and I do favors too but still you have to have the sense to give the new person the place and respect they deserve.

[koukla29]

I think it is your fiance's place to have this conversation with his ex wife.  He needs to put his foot down about the way she treats you and the nonsense she is teaching her child.  If it comes from you it looks like a jealous rage, if it comes from him it looks like a boundary in his new life with you.  

[yankeegirl2]

I agree 100% - it has to come from him. Not sure if I made that clear, I meant you talk to him and he talks to her. And if he doesn't - well there is your problem. She has to know that you and him are united in his eyes and he is standing by you.

[porterNlove]

thank you so much for you posts. i feel like she is getting a free ride out of him because hes afraid he is a bad father if hes not helping her, because she will make her problems about their child! i have never talked bad about her to his son nor would i ever! i think its childish and disrespectful but i just wish she would realize that she is not part of our relationship!

Thank you so much for your advice i think it will be really helpful!

[mami1323]

My fiance's ex-wife also uses his child to hurt him.  It's an ugly cycle but one day she will realize she's only hurting her child.  This is his ex-wife for a reason, I don't believe he has any intentions of reconciling with her.  He needs to speak with her and let her know her boundaries.  I'm so tired of these women trying to use their children as pawns.  It's extremely unfair to the child.  It's great to keep an amicable relationship for the sake of the child, however, if she is unable to do this because of her jealousy, than I say he should go to court and work out a fair visitation schedule.  This way he has a set schedule and he doesn't feel like he has to play games with her in order to keep her happy.

[yankeegirl2]

Just remain calm though when you talk to your boyfriend - if you attack her he may stupidly automatically go to defend her. When my ex's fiance at the time said things here or there - he'd shoot back "we were together since we were 16 - married 16 years and have a daughter - she is the mother of my child". He thought he was tellling her - "Heah I do not love her anymore I just respect the life we once shared and the fact that we have a child" But to her it sounded as if he were taking my place / putting my on a pedistal. Like I said, my husband now and I bought a house and I'd ask my ex things. Not to actually do anything - we bought the house from a contractor that spent 3 years on it - so there was really no work to be done - but I'd have maintenace questions. I was very wrong and called a few times with them. Ask your boyfriend to just sit back and think of how he would feel if the roles were reversed - would he want to to make sure he was respected? Yes. Well that is all you are asking for.

[BearHitch]

Well, I definitely agree that he needs to have that conversation and put his foot down.  If he doesn't, then I almost have to agree that you are putting yourself onto a very long road.  My mother married a man who had children from a previous marriage- and an absolutely INSANE ex wife.  Needless to say, this woman has almost drove them to a divorce several times because he does not stand up to her.  If your fiance cannot stand up to his ex now, he won't down the road, and I would seriously contemplate the marriage if that is the case.  Good luck!

[Stepmommy1]

I am in a similar situation.  My husband tells his ex-wife all of the time that he wants nothing to do with her or even talk to her unless the child is in a serious emergency, but she still weazels her way into our lives using the child as an excuse.  I have done a lot of research and here is a book that I am reading now that has some good info "Step-Wives" Published by Simon & Schuster New York.  It has good info on how to deal with these women.  If you have to deal with her on a weekly basis like we do, think about creating a Free Google Calendar that you can share with others online, they can look at it and add or change things if you give them permission.  When it comes to childrens school, activities, schoolwork & transportation arrangements it makes it easier for both families to be on the same page without talking.  We also use email and Text messaging so we don't have to talk to her.  We text her to read her email when it is something important.  This is an effective way to communicate in a controlled environment and you can keep it documented.  You can also hook up a tape recorder to your phone and as long as you tell her everytime you are on the phone with her that she will be recorded you can use it in court.  Only the childs conversations need to be private.  If you get a date book and keep well detailed and documented notes on what she says and does then you can use that in court as well and if needed get her for harrassment, get a restraining order, or even a pshycological evaluation.  You can research a lot on the internet, see "Obsessive Ex-Syndrome" on the web.
We have our visitaion arrangements to where we pick up & drop off at the school so we dont see her or if there is no school we always meet in a public place or bring a friend as a witness, my husband rarely sees her face to face.  We moved to a gated community and legally you do not have to give her your address if it is within 60 miles of her house.  We do not allow her to come to our house, we told her if she thinks her child is endangerd or we live in a dump then she can call social services and I will gladly show them our home and how we raise our children.
We also set up with her a time (thurs 7:45pm -8:00pm) every week when her child will call her, so that way if she calls any other time we don't answer because that is disturbing our family bonding time.  The child can call her whenever she wants, but she always calls that day at that time to satisfy her mother.
If his ex text messages or emails us with something important then we always get back as soon as we can.
You have to set boundaries and limits.  This is very reasonable to ask of someone to respect your privacy and time with the child and if you document and show proof of your good reason to handle communications this way, most any judge will see it your way.  Please never go to court without a good lawyer, but you can't rely on your lawyer.  Do your homework, read the laws in your state, educate yourself, look at the self help forms for court and learn the ins and outs of the judicial system, this is really the only way to prevail over this type of Obsessive Ex-Wife bahavior.

Make sure you take care of yourself and get in some exercise to release your anger.  Try to always keep a cool head when dealing with this woman.  She is obviously very insecure that is why people cheat, because they have a poor self-image and they are trying to fill the void inside themselves.
Remember that this is hard for your husband but you need to talk to him nicely and tell him how you feel (nicely)  remind him that you are his present and future and she is the past, his loyalties are to you now, he owes her nothing and what is best for his child is that he set boundaries and limits and keep that woman out of your lives, you have separate lives now.  The only way his Ex will ever move on is if she has minimal to no contact with him and realizes she has no power over him anymore so she will have to move on to her next victim.
As a Step-mom have personal time alone with the child and build a new bond.  Let down your gaurd and open up to the child.  Listen to him and make him feel special, but set boundaries as well if he calls you names tell him that that is not nice and is unacceptable in your home, tell him it hurts your feelings and to please not talk to you like that again.  Be stern.  It seems hard but do it.  My Step-daughter doesn't have structure or discipline with her mother so when she is with me she may do things that test me but I stop it immeadiately.  She respects me for it and tells me she loves me and what a good mommy I am.  Kids need structure & discipline to feel secure and loved.  Discipline, like rules and consequences not hitting or anything like that remember you are not their mother.You are a caregiver, that is part of the parenting team.  Never talk badly or negatively about their mother infront of or to them.  You have to be a positive role model in their lives since their mother obviously is not.  But remember to take time for yourself first.

Make sure you show your husband how much you appreciate all that he does for you and how he takes the time to resolve this issue that is causing problems with your family unit.
Remember that this woman is going to be there for the rest of your lives so you will have to learn to deal with her, the sooner the better.  Try to be the bigger person always, always treat her with respect even if she doesn't to you.  Treat others as you would like to be treated but set boundaries & limits and stand up for your family & your rights.  Try getting with a meadiator to work out all of your problems together.  Get the Book I suggested it will help a lot.

Your husband really needs to understand how this makes you feel and let him know that its not just you, that this would drive any woman nuts!  So he needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility by laying down the law with his ex and not giving in for any reason.  If she violates the laws enforce the consequences every time.  He is responsible for making you feel secure in your place and that you have nothing to fear from this woman, just as you are to make him feel confident that you are not going anywhere.  Go to the gym & seek your own spiritual guidance and ask yourself daily "What am I learning from this?"
Keep a journal about everything, your thoughts, your experiences, and even your dreams.

Good Luck!

[roses21]

I am very pleased to hear your thoughts and advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and the EX syndrome has never left us. They have 2 wonderful daughters ages 13 & 10, so it has been a challenge for me  yet an honor to have these wonderful kids in my life.

One thing you mentioned was that he should not give in for any reason, my problem is the ex would always use the kids as an excuse. My bf would always put the kids needs and would do everything for them which what exactly I expect from him but I would get this feelings that she knows that's his weakness therefore would always give in.

There is this seminar that she had attended and I guess she liked it very much that she wanted her kids to go. Its about how to become a better human being kind of seminars. But me and my bf had done some research and I guess that a lot of former members are now saying that this was a rip off and a cult like seminars. I'm actually worried but I don't want to over react. She called and told him about this great seminar and that she talked to their kids about checking it out and said that the kids will try it out. But in order for their daughter to attend the seminar, both parents have to go. My bf asked his daughter if she wants to go but I guess the kids were actually hesitant to go and that it might be a waste of time and most of all, waste of money (yes you have to pay to get in). He had told her that he will consider if it will do good to their kids and that he will have to research it.

I really don't know what to make of this and I really do want to give her the benefit of the doubt but there is something inside me thinks that there is more to it. Am I just being paranoid? Or should I watch out for this one?

[becks715]

You definately have to talk to the finance and make it a point that he knows this is a serious issue for you.  Calmly without attacking is key.

I'm not in the same situation but my bf also has a child from a previous long term relationship and although the ex is now re married and has a new baby she still finds ways here and there to take advantage.  It's more of a control issue for her.  Simply because my bf does not like conflict at all and she knows this so it ends up being that we drive 2 hours to see his daughter and 2 hours home in the same day all the time.  Could your finance be in that category? The hating conflict kind I mean?  It's not about risidual feelings on his part but I would say guilt over the marriage failing in terms of his son.  All I can say is that it needs to be addressed.  And Yanke made some great points - I always treated the ex as if she was just another person not my bf's ex and we get along pretty good now but it's taken a long time for her to trust me even if only a little.  I'm glad he's concerned about his son but being a good father DOES NOT mean catering to the ex it means being an involved, loving parent.  

Ultimately you can't control what she does you can only control your environment.  It's time for this to be hashed out and decisions made on the next step to correcting or curbing the issue.  He HAS to step up to the plate.  Until he does you'll be hard pressed to see any improvement - if he's not willing too then there is another issue there.  I've seen the damage this kind of stuff can do to children and it makes me sick that parents can't put their own selfish feelings aside for the sake of the child and the point of view that mom is always best because that just isn't true.  Stay strong and firm and positive and force the issue because if you don't it will only destroy your relationship.