he said WHAT?!!

[kjbandme]

He said that he was trying to say that "it would be so much better if we got married and had a baby later..." but what came out was "I WILL MARRY YOU IF YOU TERMINATE THIS PREGNANCY"... is that most backwards thing anyone has ever heard?

I'm 10 weeks and we've only been together 7 months (unplanned) I've been on the fence about what to do and it's becoming pretty clear that I cannot, will not, have an abortion. It was at this point that he turned from sweetheart supportive boyfriend to stony, icy cold, emotional shut-down, at the reality of becoming a father.

I think this guy just pretty much ensured that -pregnant or not- I'll never marry him. With this comment, he just won a ticket out of my life and this baby's life.

Am I overreacting?  I don't think so but I wanted to check in with others. I know sometimes men stay incredibly stupid things, I mean people in general, but a lot of men sometimes have an emotional blind spot.

[AHP84]

Okay, first I'm only going to say take a deep breath and clear your head for a minute.
I completely understand how deep that comment cut in your heart. I'd be angry as well and want nothing to do with him anymore either.
BUT...
Before you consider writing him out of his child's life completely based on one thing he said and his actions that you've only observed for a few short weeks, please give this some time. This is his child too, he probably just doesn't know how to cope with his emotions yet. No excuse, I know. Believe me, I know. But hear me out.
I say give this time because throughout the rest of your pregnancy, his heart may soften to the idea of meeting his baby when its born and being a father.
What I'm NOT saying is that you have to maintain an intimate relationship with him. Don't get me wrong on that. But I am encouraging you to stay open to *positive* communication with him about the pregnancy. Don't force anything on him that he doesn't want to know or do; just contact him and say, for example, "I had my first ultrasound today and I have the pictures if you'd like to see them. Let me know."
It's always better for everyone involved if a child can have parents who are civil and have their best interests in mind. The child grows up feeling more secure in themself knowing their parents can work together even if they're not together.
Now if he does not want anything whatsoever to do with this baby or you, no matter what, then move on in life (and pursue child support). But stay open to the idea of letting him be a part of the picture even if he suddenly expresses in interest in being a father five years from now. A child deserves to know its father (if he's not a threat to their life) and a father deserves to know his child, even if he's a clueless deadbeat that suddenly decides to care after years of absence.
I'm not saying force anything on anyone, or anyone on anyone, but just to keep lines of communication open so that any and all opportunities that are potential life benefits can be recognized.

[mami1323]

Well I think what he said was a pretty blatant response and his cover up for what he said, was even worse.  I think you are very intelligent and already know where this relationship is or was going.  I think you have every right to be upset.  I would just take a breather from him for a little while and get your mind clear.  You need to definitely think about what you want to do with your relationship.  Regardless he will always be connected to you because of the child but you need to think what is best for you and your baby.  Diffenitely take some time for yourself at this point.

[RockRose]

I think he's trying to trick you into aborting the baby,  and when you do,  he's gone.  

BTW - You might want to change your profile to "female".

[hrt3105]

i would really hope he didnt mean it that way an its only stress causing him to behave as such.Should it not be, you need to make very sure of your actions from this point on. He may very well be the greatest in the world but its more than just you two now so be sure before it goes any further. Divorces are messy hurtful an drawn out, it is hard to parent as a single but i beleieve its better than being trapped in a unhealthy relationship,Wish all 3 of you the best you have some hard decisions to make

[Agiesmom]

I actually agree with catie.  Maybe give him some time.  Time to think about things and see how he really feels about it all.

But don't have high expectations.  RR may be right, too--he may just want to be done with your relationship (whether you terminate or not).

And all that said, if you do have the baby, it's not up to you if he's part of the child's life or not--if he wants visitation, joint custody, etc., he'll likely get it (and visitation will likely be with him and his new girlfriend or wife or whomever).  And if he wants you to terminate, he may not willingly sign away parental rights if you decide to have the baby.

All the best to you--whatever you decide to do.

[teko]

7 months is not enough time to know if you want to spend forever after with someone. 7 minutes however, and you know if you want to sleep with someone.  During the playtime, we never think about the possibilities of what can happen to us, to change our lives permanantly.  This guy is not ready for marriage or baby and if you manage to get him to go along, it would not work. The anger, resentment and feeling tricked will win in the end. Good luck with the baby and I hope things workout for you.

[katarina777]

Consider him pregnant as well. What he says he may mean one moment and feel differently about the next. i have great experience with such situations. ignore him and don't pressure him. You must do what is best for you and that will be best for him and baby.

[treazzure007]

ha!  i would drop him like a rotten tomato!  he's just ONE man in the world of many.  you can and will meet a better one later on in life

[suzi-q]

You have every right to feel the way that you do....And he definitely does not want a relationship, never mind marriage, with you.  He was just trying to get you to have an abortion and then leave.

Have your baby and make sure he pays his child support....

[katarina777]

You asked me in a note to talk a little bit more about my experience. I'll do it here.
That said, I am not an expert on marriage. I have two sons by two different fathers but I never married. I knew it was not the right thing for me, and that they were not the right ones. yet, this is about their reactions to my pregnancies and not about marriage, right?

I'll start with the second one. He wanted a relationship, not a kid.

Instead, I got pregnant. Consciously, I had not planned this. But unconsciously, I knew I had really wanted this child more than anything.

So, he wanted to get married and I did not. So, he said he was leaving and he cried, and I told him I was sorry, and that I understood. I told him this. I said that if he decided to place his name on the birth certificate, he would be making a commitment to the child. If he was not to do so, that was OK, and he was welcome any time to be in the child's life.

So, he left, and came back three days later. he was there during the birth. His insurance paid every penny, and he has been there every day, and is the best father to both of my sons, ever since. my son is now 12. We never did marry but have a great relationship. he lives about 5 minutes away from us.

The first one was a problem man. When I told him I was pregnant, he said the following. "How do you know this baby is not from one of the other 20 men you slept with?" That was the end of it until the baby was born.

He truly made an effort to be there for his son and did as best as he could. he remarried and became an even better person. his wife was great. he lived in another state and one time I was no longer able to take care of my son because I was for some time not functioning. I sent my son to live with him. It worked out wonderfully. he died since then.

Hope this helps.

[BabyHardiman]

I agree with Catie207 too.

I would give it more time.  

How is he other than the mean comments, has he made any positive comments?  Is he working a steady job?  Does he have a home of his own?  

[looking4answers123]

OMG.  You're not kidding when you posted on my thread that our situations sound eerily familiar.  I think the only difference is that he never wanted me to have an abortion and I wasn't promised a marriage if I didn't have the baby.  He just can only commit to marriage 90% whatever that is supposed to mean.  I must say he is a great guy.  I'm hoping it's just cold feet since he was the one who asked me.  I never demanded it or gave him any ultimatum.  That's what is most confusing to me.  I think he knew that's what I wanted in my heart and he was trying to make me happy.  GRRRR Silly Men!

[katarina777]

And don't push him or he will run. It's like physics. Do what is best for you, and not for the baby or him. It turns out, really, to be best for them if you do what is best for you.

We don't own other people. And marriage doesn't either.

[RockRose]

katarina,  I have to say I don't agree with that at all.

Mothers are called to put their own needs and wishes aside and do what's best for the baby,  regardless of what is best for the mother.

Obviously,  usually those two things mesh together.  It's best that we live in a warm house,  it's best that we have food in the fridge,  etc.

But when the two things don't mesh,  the baby comes first.  Putting yourself in that mental position is a huge step,  and a life philosophy.

Heck,  what's best for me is if I sleep through the night and turn the baby monitor off.  After all,  I know getting up twice during the night to feed the baby will make me walk around like a tired zombie tomorrow,  not good for me at all!

[katarina777]

I think my comment didn't come across right, or perhaps, it was entirely subjective. For me, it would be horrible were I forced, and even do turn off that monitor and sleep like a baby at the child's expense.

My own need is to do what is best for the baby, no matter how much work. That is what I wanted, and what I loved. A commitment that came from within.

Whenever I care for or about someone else, when I am a good mother, or do good things, all this meets my selfish needs, or it  serves my self.

So, I never wanted to have a stressful marriage ending in an ugly divorce and it never happened. My kids did not have to watch ugly fights, and/or ugly silences.

Of course, I think a wonderful relationship is better than not, but I never found that sort of partner.

Thinking only about ME is not self serving in the least for me. That is what I meant.

[Baba123]

It's NOT called   emotional blind spot   .....this is ignorant and cold hearted man. He wants you to terminate pregnancy and than he will marry you???? you should know your answer ....drop him.

[karenwoods]

Hello sorry to hear that he shut down. Most men are not ready for the responsibility of a dog much less a child. Be supportive and understading that he is not ready. However this is not the way you should start this child's life growing up never knowing his/her father. You sound upset and hostile and will carry this child for 9 months with this hatred for the child's father that the child will learn as well. Women are naturally more mature and responsible more than men. Accept this fact, and help coach him and be a friend instead of an angry baby momma!

[SeriousSam]

It is not an emotional blind spot.  It is fear.   Straight out fear.


I feel for you and was kind of afraid this might happen,

A simple question was he a decent man when you were dating?  You don't strike me as the type to be too casual in most of your actions so maybe you can answer that.

Men and women do stupid stuff out of fear in either direction, I would cut communication to minimal, maybe invite him him when you have sonograms etc. refer to the baby as "our child"  and make it clear that even if you guys are not together you would like hime to have some contact as a responsible parent.

But that is of course contingent upon him being the type of person I suspect you would choose to be with at heart and you being the high  class person you seem to be.

Children psychologically are the immortality of the human race, and most guys are easy to train, if you start early in the pregnancy to be decent parents.