heart broken by the father of my twins

[sammyleigh]

Hi all, I thought you might be able to help me shed some light on my situation. I have been with my fiance for 2 years now he's a good step father to my first son and a good father to our twins, we have been arguing for a couple of months and a few days ago he decided he was leaving me. So he packed his stuff and went to his mom n dads. Later that day he told me he regretted everything and wanted me back. Of course I told him to shuv it! Before he left I was crying, pouring my heart out and having a really bad panic attack why should I take him back so easily? Anyway I woke up next day and tried to talk to him and see if we could meet and work on our relationship, we have always been brilliant together its only a recent thing were both stressed but he claims its me not the kids putting the stress on us. Anyway I went to see him yesterday and told him how I feel and what I want. He didn't want to know at first but when I told him that in a relationship hits a rough patch most people who love each other might have a break and try and work on there relationship until they feel they can live together again. He's bringing my twins back today and I'm missing him so much. I was crying my eyes out last night and asked him to come and see me and he said he wouldn't and what was the point in us having a weeks break if he's just gonna come and see me? All I wanted was some comfort as I'm so heart broken I literally feel like I'm dying, can't eat. Only happy when I'm dreaming about him and I cry none stop. I don't want anyone else I love him and he claims that he really loves me. He also said don't worry after this week well be together I just need this. So I'm basically sitting at home with his kids while he stays at his mom n dads for a week and goes pub with his mates and plays xbox as much as he likes. Now the problem is I'm confused. If he says he loves me and that he's coming back to me next saturday then. Why a whole week without seeing me at all? Is this normal? A part of me thinks he's trying to proove a point and its a faze but another is heart broken scared we may never get back together. This weeks gonna be the hardest week of my life but to be honest ill start my healing process through the week and at the end of it I'm not sure if I should take him back after all the crap he's put me through and our family? Has anyone else suffered the same thing? And do you think its a silly little faze and hell come crawling back? X  

[mami1323]

Specialmom nailed that.  I remember once I had messaged her about that very same thing.  I had told my husband that I wanted a break and wanted him to leave.  I was so mad at him and so he decided, ok, you want me to leave, I will leave.  When he did, I was so mad that he did but it was my fault for telling him to go.  In reality I should've said we needed to work on things.  When I wanted him to come home he basically told me he wasn't ready.  So we had 2 weeks apart and it didn't help anything because it made me mad at him for leaving me with our son and he got to do whatever.  The reason he came home was because I finally told him that we needed a visitation schedule for our son and he couldn't just come home when he felt like it.  I took back the power and that's when he realized that I wasn't playing.  Looking back at that now, it was so horrible.  It was the worst communication we ever had and now when we fight, if it gets bad, we go to separate rooms and take a breather.  You both have children together and so you both need to learn how to argue effectively.  I agree with the counseling.  It really helps you sort out things and gives you a third party to mediate.

[nursegirl6572]

*Applause*!!!

PERFECTLY said, specialmom!

[specialmom]

Ya know, I have known of this happening.  In the heat of a moment, we say things and are so hurt that we tell someone to 'get out'.  We don't really mean it but then it is hard to take it back and have it just be 'words'.  

I had a friend that had a husband who was a big ol' jerk and did something he shouldn't have.  She was livid and told him to get out so she could think.  He left. She was at home with their baby daughter so distraught over the hurt he'd caused her from his wrong doing but also wanting him to be there to work on it.  And then not wanting him there and then wanting him there.  All of a sudden, she realized that he wasn't trying to come back!  She called about two days after he left to tell him to come home.  His response?  "too bad.  you told me to get out and I'll be back when I want to now."  He stayed gone for a week.  When he came back, he had all the power.  He could leave her any time and she forever knew that

My suggestion to you, don't ask him to come back.  don't beg.  Let him stay where he is and when he is ready to work on things, he comes back and works on them.  

You spend this time thinking about what has to change in this relationship for it to work.  And you present that to him.  He steps up to the plate or he doesn't, but you have a boundary set.

You told him to take a break.  YOU take a break and do some thinking.  Peace

[brice1967]

I am not trying to sound mean, but there are far better ways to tell someone you love them and you need them rather than "of course I told him to shove it.".  Telling him to shove it is essentially ending the relationship.  Shove it = leave.  Lets work on this = please stay.

You guys seem pretty young, but I bet you can come around from this.  It will take an effort on both of your behalves.  It will require saying exactly what you mean and being able to actually hear what is being said by your significant other.  It's a skill that comes with time.... it took me a long damned time to learn it, but it's doable.

[nursegirl6572]

The "break" makes no sense at all.  I could see if you guys were going to do some soul searching, try to figure out what you want...but to say that you'll be back together in a week is just silly, in my opinion.  Sounds like a pass for him to act single again, with no stress and responsibility, while you sit at home watching the kids.  If you're going to be together, then be together now and start working out your issues.  A week apart is just going to make you resent him for "playing" all week while you tended to the children.

You guys would benefit from couple's therapy.  You're both pointing a lot of fingers at each other, and when times get tough, the answer isn't to have a partner leave..,.you work things out.  You have children together.  You both are acting very immature, like this is a high school relationship.

I agree with the girls above that you seem very conficted.  You need to figure out what is best for you and your children.  That involves trying to take the emotions (being lonley, sad, etc) out of it, and consider the facts of the relationship.  That's not an easy thing to do, but you need to try.  Again, there is way more at stake here than just you and him.

Best of luck.

[RockRose]

I totally agree with Londres - as i was reading your post,  Sammy,  I thought am I misunderstanding who said which things?  You are going back and for and back and forth with your messages to him - it's like a pushmepullyou relationship.

[Londres70]

Your statement "Later that day he told me he regretted everything and wanted me back. Of course I told him to shuv it!"  

Your statement "He didn't want to know at first but when I told him that in a relationship hits a rough patch most people who love each other might have a break and try and work on there relationship until they feel they can live together again."

Then, he gives you this break and now you state "I was crying my eyes out last night and asked him to come and see me and he said he wouldn't and what was the point in us having a weeks break if he's just gonna come and see me? All I wanted was some comfort as I'm so heart broken I literally feel like I'm dying, can't eat."

Are you sure you know what you want exactly?