help - husband masturbating, porn addiction?

[anyhope21]

my husband and I have been married for a few years. I am 5'10 half black half chinese. We have two beautiful childern nice house two nice cars..I know the american dream right. I tried changing everything about who I am to make him want sex for years now. Even tried watching porn with him...said it was disguting and turned it off..tried lingerie..coming to bed a** naked everything. Still nothing. Yesterday..( last weekend we finally had sex..and Im thinking we would be ok..after three months of not) while I was online I was looking for a wedding band to replace the one he already has because when we got married we didnt have the money we do now to get him the one I thought he deserved...and bam in your face ...20 porn cites hit me in the face that he went on twenty minutes before he sent me a card saying how much he loved me.Then went onto regular cites..then ten minutes later again with the porno cites. How did I find out I had saved the ring in the history so I would be able to go straight to the site order and get shipped. I dont get it..very sad because it wasnt Black/Chinese women he was looking for it was Iranian ameteur porn. Which to me it didnt matter the ethnicity it was the fact...he wasnt coming to...much less in on around from a distance..well you get it..me. So now what to do. And if you are going to be mean please dont reply. I understand everyone does it..even I do but waking me up at night shaking the bed and saying he did he was asleep or calling me crazy..I dont get. I am really hurt to the core of who I am as a woman a wife and a lover. Thank you for reading.

[Londres70]

Oh dear, you sound devastated.  

Al-ANON?  He has a drinking problem too?  Al-ANON is usually for family members of someone with a drinking problem and AA is for the person with the problem.  Oh...boy.  

At least you can still giggle a bit after all this.  

May I ask what kind of a past does this man have?  i.e. issues in childhood, parent issues, etc.    

[anyhope21]

Well last night seeing me for the first time....been upstairs in ..well..MY bedroom since I found out. Well I sat for hours with him trying to explain it wasnt me..so me...well I cried ..I almost had a panic attack..which I am always THE GO TO PERSON for everyone. Well like told him who in our inner circle do I have to talk to about this...how long has this been going on..why did you tell me you would tty to fix what was wtong with our marriage..WHEN YOU KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG  IT WASNT ME!!! He said he was working on fixing is but the other part...well worked nights for almost three years, while I was upstairs crying bc I was alone and he was downstairs ” working” yeah he was working alright. The gist of the conversation..he will continue to go to the anon meetings, we will try and work it out with therapy, we will be oh so civil around our children bc we love them.  The most important thing is..Our children. Will post everyday just to check in...but like I told him last night I love you but I wont be your babysitter..i have two kids..a house to run, school, school functions for kiddies because while He was away for those three years of masturbating..and months of porn..IVE BEEN MOMMY IN HD!!!! The HD is planyed on my chest. See. I guess I can still giggle..right? As I tear up to go say good morning to everyone roll out of bed...and face....the day ahead.

[Londres70]

Keep us posted on the outcome.  You sound like you can handle "whatever" may fall.  Crossing the line is crossing the line and it is ok for you to let your husband know he has crossed a boundary with you.      

This is a huge "pitfall" of porn.  Some couples start using this stuff to "spice" up the bedroom and it seems like it turns into this monster of a problem in relationships and marriage.  

Thank God my husband and I are "wired" against porn.  I find it utterly disguisting.  

[anyhope21]

I really want to thank you both for speaking how you feel. Londres...i said I would listen this evening to the why's ....how...etc. But see I am stronger than I think I am...we shall see tough questions he needs to answer but like I told him start studdering or repeating the questions to think of what he thinks I want to hear and I am done. Thank you again.

[Londres70]

I think he has some explaining to do.  Definitely need to have a long and serious talk with him.  Do the talk when you are calmed down.  The next step would be couples' therapy if he willing to accept there is a problem and you all need to resolve this through therapy.  

My husband must be in the 10% of men that doesn't watch porn and I must be in the 40% of women that doesn't watch porn according to American statistics. We ABSOLUTELY FIND IT RIDICULOUS.  Never made any sense for me to watch another couple having sex so that I can get excited to have sex with my own husband.  Not my and or my husband's thing.  It was always a "deal breaker" in all my previous relationships and still in my current marriage.  

[RainLover71]

This sad but it,s a reality that around 90% of men and around 60% of women watch porn quite regularly and it can often ruin relationships because of constant addiction and jealousy.It has destroyed many families and is often a topic brought up on this forum because of the rate of which it,s happening.If a couple love eachother there should be no need to view this material because it can cause addiction and encourage cheating.Also it,s not reality,it,s not love and it feeds on peoples lusts and desires of which men a more visually stimulated then women.Pornography addiction has lead to many relationships ending and it,s so sad because love is supposed to be a beautiful act between a husband and wife not a husband and a computer.See if you can both get some relationship therapy.Good Luck.