help, my husband tells me he doesnt even talk to girls at work,and he only works with 3 people and there GIRLS

[sandy201]

Ok, long story short as possible, my husband ans I have been married for 6 years. When I met him, he had a girlfriend that I could never understand why. He is a very handsome man, I mean almost to handsome for his own good. She was this overweight, no personality, lazy, not goodlooking in any, way shape or form. Im all for all woman have some beauty but I knew this woman and she had zipp. OK, so because all she did was lay around the house in her pajamas and was addicted to prescription pain meds, and wouldnt take a shower for 3 to 4 days every week, he was done with her after a year. When I befriended her through another freind, I met him. I was like wow, youve got a great husband. Hard working, goodlooking, funny, always happy, just all around nice guy. Well she needed me to stay with her for a few days due to her son being sick and needing my help. Well, you can probably guess what happens, me and him just clicked, at that same exact time my boyfriend was addicted to the same pain medication, he actually has passed away since then at the age of 29. So when I was living there me and him did alot of talking and he told me he was over her, he just wanted to make sure the son (not his) got through school and then he was going to kick her out. So he was already done with her. So I am not a homewrecker or whatever people call it these days. He is a maintanence supervisor, and is a good one at that. So we got together, she moved out and I moved in. Yes it was to quick, but our chemistry was like the ocean . We just knew that this was it, we were the ones for eachother. He was all over me, always wrote sweet letters, great sex, he could not get enough of me and kept telling me ,gosh if I had only met you earlier on, you are my destiny. He found a better job, alot better pay so we moved. It was a smaller community and we got a free house in the back of the property he worked on. The first week I was there, he only had one guy to help him with the grounds and thats it, the rest were the leasing agents in the office. I met the manager she was a total anna nicole smith. Lets just say she wore the red lipstick, bleach blonde hair and was beautiful. Well, they didnt have radios like they did at the other complex that I met him at. So, everyday he would come home, I would need to use his phone or something and I would look at the history and her and him talked on the phone 15 to 20 times a day, mind you, he was always in the office working with her. He started to change, its hard to explain, but more confidence ,less dependency on me, less affection towards me and I contributed it to him getting this from her. It was as if they had something mental going on. She was married and I met him at a christman party and he was a total goof, my husband had everything on him. So I started to wonder is this lady after my husband.She could turn any mans head.So this went on for two years , we started fighting , then the sex went down. He never came up to me like he used to and gave me a passionate kiss, and I was for sure he was falling for her. He called me a jealous !@#$ and it got real vicious. So much, I moved out and we seperated for 6 months. but he kept calling swaring he loved me and shes moving to colorado and all he did was go to work to work and come home to me. He even wanted to go to couples therapy.. So she moved and I just let it go, I will never know what went on between the two of them and I loved him so much that I thought we could have a second chance. Well, another girl comes in. Shes not as pretty, I wasnt worried until I looked on her facebook page and her profile picture was half nanked. The worst part was she said she worked for his company  , so here she is in a bathing suit (not classy) and representing my husbabnds company. One day I even called him to see if he wanted me to bring him something for lunch, he never answered, I got to the property went to the office and he was with her in there on her lunch. And he was walking out just as I was walking up to the office door (locked by the way). I said wtf are you doing in there. He said , shes new sandy and I was going over procedures and I couldnt lose my train of thought while explaing this procedure to her. He had always picked up the phone when he is busy and said "hon, let me call you right back" so I was , to say the least ,very upset. He even went on to say I cant answer every call of yours when Im working, I have done that many times. But thats when hes actually doing physical labor and he is using his hands to install air conditioning units or something to where he cant get to the phone. So when that happened , it was like going back to the days of when we first moved in with the anna nicole look alike. So I looked this girl up on facebook and there she was . She looked like a cheap *****.Excuse the language, but she did. And I made a fuss out of it, she is representing your company and you dont care shes shows her self this way. He said its not my problem , what she does on her own time , is her own deal. That just tells me how unprofessional this company is. In fact, prior to her, the assitant leasing manager and my husbands worker got caught having sex in an empty apartment and they were both married and the girlfriend to Marks friend thta got caught worked side by side in this leasing office. they were good friend, yet she was having sex with her boyfriend. Thats to give you an idea about how unprofesional this place is. We just had a baby, well 6 months ago, and I found myself losing my mind over his work and what he does out there considering his changed behavior, insensitivity and just alot more **** that It was a man I did not know. Im getting a large settlement in october. So instead of having my daughter witness his rage everytime I bring up his work or he calls me jealous and we fight like cats and dogs. Him claiming , yes other men probably would of slept with Julie (anna nicole) but not me, Im a moral man and your all I live for. I even asked him, when was the last time you were just flirted with, just nonchalantley. He said NEVER, and if he was he didnt notice it. Im like, so your telling me your just this walking robot.Youve never been tempted, youve never found another woman pretty etc... he said nope, only you !!! OK, thats actually insulting, we all know that human nature is JUST THERE. The reason I brought up the settlement, is I have nobody to help my daughter and I, so once i get it, I wll take him to our marrige counselor for the last time and tell him get honest and tell me that you are a human and any mistakes youve made I will forgive you for, or Im out. He is too damn good looking for not one woman residents, staff to not even flirted once.So here was the straw that broke the calels back. 1 week later, after I fussed about her facebook picture, she put a professional black dress on as her nre profile piecture. So he tells me he does not know these girls, they just telepathically knew at that moment we were discussing how unproffesionl she looked on her face book and decided to change it. The slutty on had been on hter for 3 to 4 months. So that tells me , he talked to her or someone about it. Whcih he denies , telling me he talks about nothing unless it has somethin to do with getting job done. INSULTING.   Do you think that a man that claims he is the most moral man sayus it to cover up his immorality and thats waht Im dealing with. Like he is the exact opposite of what he says, or am I totally jumping the gun? Im so tired of this , I think he is someone I dont know and I also think he has cheated on me maybe not with anna or this new girl, but a resident, oging if its not Please any advice ould help, Im desperate here I want to !@#$or get off the pot and go on with my life, I just turned 40 and I want the second part of my life not trying to figure out the man I thought I knew?Thanks, Sandy

[sandy201]

your Right!  Im am a recovering addict specialmom, been sober 5 years. But the behaviors are stil somewhat there. I just dont think Im good enough for a straight , nice narrow man. Ive never been with one , I dont know if I would know what to do with one. LOL. I know its not really funny. But your totally right. Its day 2 and Ive realized him calling me drunk and yelling while I have my beautiful 1 year old daughter sleeping peacefully in my arms over at my moms, I just pray to my higher power and Im actually doing better than i thought. I couldnt live with myself if my daughter grew up and witnessed his behavior.Hes good with her sober and and when hes not mad but forget it when hes drinking and mad... not a pretty sight. Thank you, I will let you know I have been recently going to a new pscologist and have 4 appointments lined up with him over the next month. So I will let you know ....Are you married, why do you come to this forum? How are you doing im this crazy world?

[specialmom]

Hi Sandy.  Well, a man who hits (and has a history of being abusive over the years) is not one you CAN stay with.  He is dangerous, pure and simple and you must go.  

I want you to consider something.  You've written about several people in your life with severe problems from your ex and now deceased boyfriend to this man's former wife to him.  Substance abuse and other issues seem to rule the relationships you have.  At some point ----  we need to look at why we are always in that situation.  Is there something in your background that makes you codependent?  I think you should try to seek therapy to understand this pattern so you can change it.  You do not want to keep doing this especially since you do have kids.  It is possible to have a healthy relationship but not unless you look for healthy partners.  There is a reason why you do not-------- you need to figure that out and with a professional is the best way to do that.  

I do wish you luck.  It is hard leaving but under these circumstances, it is for your own good.  Peace and let us know how it goes.

[sandy201]

thank you for your advice, it was the best one could give. You know its always easier to stay than to leave. I think thats whats going on, its even gotton worse, hes hit me within the last two weeks. He is a angry man, a drinker, and he blames that I did it all to him. He almost broke his first girlfriends spleen five years ago, he said she beat him up all the time and he got sick of it. He is sooo different, I dont know who the man is, and i dont like the man he is anymore. Im going to leave him tonight, Im packing what I can right now. Ive left him before and come back maybe with your help will you please keep writing to me and reminding me of whats important, my daughter. Do I want her to see this? And Im also feeling like because I have a baby, I will never find a man that wants me. Or have time for one, please talk some sense into me on that one . You sound like a very smart lady and unfortunatley I dropped all my good friends when I met this freak, so until I get on my feet will you continiur to do what you can? I need that little extra push every once in awhile .... thank you specialmom. I bet your the best!!!!! Sandy

[mami1323]

To be honest, you met him in really bad terms.  He was married and your bashing of her makes me believe that you have to convince yourself that she was some retched creature to feel less guilty for your betrayal of her.  You moved into her home and then basically got with HER husband.  Shows just how committed of a man he is as well.  You obviously won't trust a man who met you while he was married.  When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.  Get what I'm saying.  Although some people change, it doesn't seem like he has.  This may just be how he is and the only thing you can do is worry about yourself.  If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.  

[brice1967]

Far be it from me to offer marriage advice but I just want to point something out.  A relationship that started off with so much dysfunction and historically as stayed somewhat dysfunctional, seems all but doomed to me.  (Sorry for saying that.)  From you're description of things, it seems as if you've been handing out second chances and he has yet to really prove his worth to you, or tell you how much he values you and your relationship.

Add to that, your description of his behavior can really be seen two ways.  He either is or is not up to something.  He has proven in the past that he is not above that, but that alone doesn't mean you condemn the man.

What I think you should do is follow your gut instinct.  If every bit of your being is saying run, it is probably time to do so.  This is your life and you have time to really evaluate this situation.  Only you can make this decision ultimately.  

[Londres70]

Whoa!!!

First, this all started off dysfunctional and strange.  You befriended a woman and while helping her out fell for her husband while living with them?   Hmmm....what more can I say?  Granted the relationship was almost over between your husband and his ex gf, but it wasn't just yet.  The proper thing would have been for both parties to wait until this ex gf was completely out the picture.  You have described her as a drug addict, fat/overweight and lazy, which she might have been, but I think she still deserved some sort of respect.  

BTW:  Looks might draw a man in, but it doesn't necessarily keep him put.  And, if that is all he is looking for, he won't be put for very long.  

Secondly, I can understand your insecurity with this marriage.  Sounds like he has a "way" with words.  He doesn't sound honest.  But, come to think of it, he was not honest with the previous live-in gf.  Unfortunately, this man has a pattern.  Once you start checking cell phones, facebook, e-mail accounts, the relationship is over.  If you don't have trust you don't have a relationship.

Thirdly, sounds like a bunch of drama in overdrive.  Take your "settlement"  and leave.  I think the relationship/marriage was doomed in the first place because of the matter in which it was established.  Leave him and his company behind and start fresh.  No man is WORTH your "peace of mind."  

All the best.  

[specialmom]

Whoa Sandy-----------  and that was the SHORT version?  LOL  Just kidding, you provided a lot of details that helped me understand a bit of what is going on.

I'll star with your begining wit him.  Well, what can I say?  You are not a homewrecker but . . . you are with a man that 'clicked' with you before he was divorced and was still living with his wife.  This does tell you something about his character.  (and I'll mention for all your bashing of her .  . . seems odd you befriended her and wanted to be with her so much and even stayed with her where you got to know HER husband so well . . . I'm just saying . . . let's be honest with ourselves here).  His character is on the low side.  He had a kid and a wife and allowed himself to become interested in you before he was out of that.  I could have any number of women over to my home and stay with us and many that are more beautiful than I, funnier and more willing to watch football for hours on end . .. and not worry once that my husband would 'click' and want to leave me.  He's committed and believes in that.  A family man is who I married.  Okay---------- your guy from the start  let you know what he is capable of.

And hence, you have trouble trusting him.

And he's given you reason to not trust  him.  His actions with the other women are not exactly what you see in a man that does not believe in 'clicking' with other women.  My husband works with plenty of women and has even traveled with them overseas.  Have I ever worried?  No.  He's never given me one reason to.  No contact outside of work, stays close emotionally to me, makes it clear to Them where he stands as a married man.  Where does your man fall short with this?

And then he becomes mad at you for questioning him.  

I think you should move on and be on your own for a while.  Sort out who you are and maybe switch up who you date in the future.  I do wish you luck.  You do deserve to be in a relationship that doesn't involve worry that someone is with someone else or even interested in someone else.  Being with a man that worries you in this way is no life.  good luckl