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help me understand

So I've posted before about my having problems with my live in bf. We are still at it..with  problems coming up all the time. Anyhow our last argument was about how he wanted me to help him purchase a vehicle for his son. I answered "whatever my answer would be your still going to do whatever you want " i answered like that because prior to this his "sons mother had called him asking for $ to pay her electric bill cause it was subject to disconnection" i didnt agree to that he still sent her the $. Let me just add that she has her husband. Anyhow, his temper rocketed like fireworks told me i need to keep my words limited that way we dont fight to much...Ladies/Men..what in the world does "keep your words limited" mean??? Ive taken that like basically not to talk "much" or speak up when i disagree..am i right? Or am i being overly dramatic? Feel free to comment. Thanks.
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Avatar_f_tn
You may see about going to small claims court about the down payment, but first, make sure you have legal grounds for a ruling in your favor.  Unfortunately, there's no way to force him to give it back and you may have to count your losses if there end up being no legal grounds.

Do you two have joint bank accounts?  If you do, withdraw your funds and/or open a new bank account and divert any direct deposits or withdrawals you have to that account so you can start growing your own funds.  You'll need it if you want to leave.
11 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Basically, he was trying (not so gracefully) to tell you to think before you speak.  Maybe his version of, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."  I would say he needs to mind his own advice, though.

"Whatever my answer would be, you're still going to do whatever you want," is not an effective way to say what you're meaning.  It's attacking, which immediately put him on the defensive.  I might suggest having just answered with what your thoughts were then ask, "Can we talk about something?"  If he said yes, then I would suggest having told him, "It makes me feel like my opinion doesn't matter when you ask me what I am comfortable with yet go and do something anyway even if I wasn't comfortable with it.  Like with your ex's electric bill.  You may have felt the need to do it to take care of your son, but I felt (that she should have asked a parent first, should consider cutting back unnecessary costs, or whatever your reasons for not being fine with it were)."

It sounds like somewhere along the lines, the way you two communicate has broken down, which likely lead to the increase in arguments.
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4522800_tn?1405696702
I Ditto what was said by thatquietgirl..Very good..Communication is so important in a Relationship..And as you know it takes Respect from both sides..So your input should matter if he is asking..Even if not you 2 live together and you share things..I sure wish you the best..There is a lot of work to make a good relationship. Trust is a big one too..I have been married a little over 28 years now and we have grown together and have the up most respect in what each other has to say..Bless
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with the above posters regarding how You communicate with one another is Very Important

that being said:

I foresee more "problems" ahead as regards Him having a child and an ex-wife = The way You communicate is more important than ever because You are treading "muddy water" and emotions run high for both of You because of this.  You regret spending "extra" money and He feels a responsibility to His Son.  

He didn't pay His ex-wife's electric bill, He paid it for His Son - He wants to purchase a car for His son - there will be other issues

Good Luck
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1268057_tn?1399131913
How long have you two been together?

Do you share finances or are your finances separate?  

Not sure why he is asking you for money to purchase a car for his son.  In fact, that is his responsibility along with his ex wife.  Then this ex wife who is REMARRIED is asking him for money for an electric bill?  Are you joking?  

"Anyhow, his temper rocketed like fireworks told me i need to keep my words limited that way we dont fight to much...Ladies/Men..what in the world does "keep your words limited" mean???"..........In my opinion, he is saying "don't rock the boat" and just go along with what he wants without complaining and then you two wouldn't be fighting.  

The other question is how are you talking to him?  If you are being flippant when you talk to him, i.e. "I answered whatever my answer would be your still going to do whatever you want," then that is also a problem.  I understand your frustration, but your tone is setting the mood for the conversation.

I would say you both need to sit down and come to some agreement about the finances in a calm and reasonable manner.  In my opinion YOU shouldn't be responsible or contributing financially to his son's needs, etc. UNLESS you agree to this especially since this child doesn't live with you both, the child has a father, mother and step-father and you both aren't married.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for your comments..Its true he did say he feels like i'm attacking him. It's not my intention though. His kids are grown his youngest is 19 years. I understand that a parent is always a parent before anything else. I have in the past helped out with money for their stuff. I have no regrets when it comes to that. When we first moved in i traded in the "i' for an "us". Over some time now my mentality has been changing when it comes to my bf and his family over all. At the beginning i contributed in every sense of the way. Our fighting/discussions make him say the most meanest things ever. I often ask myself " if this man is in love with me and treats me such a way what would it be like if he hated me". I'll explain: we both have had hopes and dreams for us as a couple..over the time period that we've been together (3 yrs) iv'e been having many doubts. That i of course have spoken with him. I no longer worry about his wants and needs. I take care of my kids and myself. I don't lift a hand for this man anymore. We both purchased a house, I paid the down payment and he got the loan for the home. In my mind all i wanted was to give my kids a place to call home as i lost our home to my divorce. Everytime we fight he tells me i probably deserved having lost my house to my ex. How our house is in his name, how if he moved out the house was still gona be his regardless. How i never done nothing for him, He does/pays it all. Since the get go i pay the utility bills, my phone, credit cards,groceries,daily essentials for the whole household (including his). He pays the mortgage, his car payment (my vehicle is pd for). vehicle insurance, his credit cards. He still feels i dont do enough. Being he "DOES  IT/PAYS IT ALL" i refuse to do anything for him. How about giving me a simple thank you. Or acknowledging what i do. In regards to him helping his ex wife...shes got her husband..not to long ago her truck broke down..guess what she called my bf to pay for fixtures and he of course did so. I will admit i am a very opinionated woman i dont always use sweet words to say what i want to say. If he changed his ways towards me and learned to be appreciative of me than yeah id be more than glad to contribute to all of his wants and needs even when it came to his kids. Since that arguement i keep my answers limited :) and we havent been fighting. It does bother him though i just choose to ignore him. Its working so far..:)
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Well......how is going to give you the acknowledgement your deserve for the things you do or contribute to the household if he feels or thinks he "does it all?"  

Then.....you have this ex-wife who is ringing his telephone as soon as something is broke OR she has a bill she needs paid?  To add insult to injury your bf PAYS for it.  Wonder how her husband feels about that?  He is probably loving he isn't paying for it.  

"How our house is in his name, how if he moved out the house was still gona be his regardless. How i never done nothing for him, He does/pays it all."...........Wow, and you are still there after he told you this?  In reality, the house is not yours if your name isn't on the deed even if you used your money for the down payment.  You and your children are merely living in HIS house.  

You might of change the "i" for "us," but sounds like it is still  "i" for him.  

Well.....I am trying to see why you are still in this relationship?  You sound absolutely miserable.  Walking around ignoring him to avoid argument.......what's that all about?  

I'll tell you..... if it were me I would politely ask him to give me the down payment back that was put down for the house and get my own place.  I would be out of there.

You've gotten plenty of info in regards to whether this is something good for you and your children or if it isn't.......sounds like it isn't something for you.

"He still feels i dont do enough."............Are you kidding......really?  Is this love?  

Sounds like this relationship is burned out and done.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes,i realize the home is not mine. I have asked him to return the money back to me. Said it was uncalled for to understand he tells me those things out of anger. I believe when one is in love theres no room for anger. Then again thats just me. He realizes its been a long time that ive been drifting away. Told him he should thank himself for that. In regards to his ex wife her reason for asking for help is cause her husband is a cocain addict. (sounds like a personal problem to me) he doesnt see it that way. He says i have a cruel heart and ill be going to hell for not helping them. I tell him ill deal with it when that day comes..anyhow, i have mentioned it to him before we should just part ways. He feels theres still hope. I know it gets him quiet upset that i dont raise a finger for him. In all honesty i think he's given me all the reasons to behave the way i do. Miserable..yes..some days are better than others. God and my kids keep me going. Thanks for your reply. Very much appreciated.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
"In regards to his ex wife her reason for asking for help is cause her husband is a cocain addict. (sounds like a personal problem to me) he doesnt see it that way. He says i have a cruel heart and ill be going to hell for not helping them.".........Has he lost his mind?  You are not responsible for their poor choices nor is it your responsibility to help them.   This man is doing nothing more than draining you in more ways than one.  You should let him know that enabling an addict is not very smart on his part.  

Get out of this dysfunction abyss quick and in a hurry; like yesterday.  Get your money back first of course.  

The ONLY person that can help all of them is a professional therapist.  

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Avatar_f_tn
You may see about going to small claims court about the down payment, but first, make sure you have legal grounds for a ruling in your favor.  Unfortunately, there's no way to force him to give it back and you may have to count your losses if there end up being no legal grounds.

Do you two have joint bank accounts?  If you do, withdraw your funds and/or open a new bank account and divert any direct deposits or withdrawals you have to that account so you can start growing your own funds.  You'll need it if you want to leave.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for all your replies greatly appreciated. I've given up on getting the money back..Believe me lesson learned. To think i would've learned from my first marriage.. Anyhow i've moved out. Focusing on my kids and my job. All else is lost. Am no longer looking back.Only looking forward.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
All the best macey.  That situation just wasn't in your best interest.
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