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help!

Ok, I have really screwed up and I am sure you guys will crucify me which is fair enough but I woudl like some thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 3 years but due to his messy break up with his ex I decided that it would work better to keep our relationship a secret until she had found a new partner and was happy again. This however, basically gave him an excuse to cheat and he was effetively living a secret life.

We had sent some stupid texts while he remained with his ex and although they had agreed to split they were still living together and clearly they were stupid and caused her pain so I completely deserve the angst I am suffering knowing that I completely wasted my time and saw loads of friends marry and move their lives on while I waited on a cheater basically.

When he was found out as a cheat by us both he decided I could never forgive him and he has been working on things with her. I have been told so many lies by both him and her it seems.

I want the best for him and cheatign on me has made him happy and I guess you have to look after number one or else no-one else will. I am not bitter towards him and hope he is really happy.

My issue is that thinking about another relationship opens up all the old wounds - i wouldnt be able to say anything to him about my past and I am sure that I will be super paranoid which will drive him away for sure. And I guess I will always be wondering if he is truly happy or looking to trade me in for a better model.

My issue is that everything I read says surround yourself with friends, talk to people, get it off your chest etc but the only person I can talk to is him (and I am not in a position to confide in anyone else). I want the best for him and dont want a relationship with him again so it is not awkward in that sense but probably not that healing although I do feel better after speaking to someone about, getting upset, frustrated and trying to understand why.

Any idea please
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1035252_tn?1371343440
It's definitely a good idea to talk, but you can do that right here in anonymity. You SHOULD surround yourself with friends and family, but that's not always possible.

You HAVE to give yourself time to heal. And the biggest thing to realize is....if you can't talk to your future partners about your past in complete honesty, and learn to trust them despite the pain you've been through...that person is not the right one for you. So don't worry about that, because if you find that a guy you're dating 5 months from now is too difficult to talk with about your past...probably a good sign that he's not The One.

Just calm down and try to take some time to yourself and not plan on jumping into another relationship any time soon, or you WILL be consumed by paranoia. Heal...and figure yourself out in the mean time.

And it's good that you realized that being the "other woman" rarely gets you anywhere....you know to avoid this in the future. That's one lesson learned and it will help you find a better guy in the future.
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Avatar_m_tn
I wasnt the "other woman" knowingly - not sure if that came across properly.
I think that it is OK typing a message, but clearly not as good as talking to somone properly which is why I ocassionally speak to him to vent my frustration - all he says is "sorry" and at least I am not your problem anymore which I find very frustrating!

I will never be in a position to tell a guy I am dating of my past as I wouldnt want to tell them something but then say dont tell anyone so I am not too sure how I will ever be able to have a relationship 100% based on trust. And I guess I will never ne naive and in love again as I will always be wanting to protect myself from this hell again.

As I say, I am really happy for him and completely understand why he would want to cheat - why stay faithful adn see a better option walk past?
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214105_tn?1265938759
Hi,
Don't beat yourself up so much. It's easy to make mistakes when you care about someone and it is good that you are not bitter. It definitely is time to move on from your ex. and let him figure things out on his own. It will make it much easier for you to meet someone new and get things back in order. Don't stress that much about telling your next boy friend about what happened as it probably seems worse to you than it will sound to him.
Take a deep breath and move on from this guy.
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Avatar_m_tn
So would you suggest that I dont speak with him depsite the fact that it makes me feel better?
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145992_tn?1341348674
It only temporarily relieves the pain but you come out more frustrated and upset so there is no point to it. Plus I'm not sure why you would want to talk to him when he is the one who hurt you. Nor do I understand what you want or expect from having this conversation with him and rehashing the pain over and over. Maybe you expect him to say he's sorry or made a mistake and wants you and not her. I think you need to cut him off altogether and move on with your life. I wouldn't worry about talking about your past with some other guy. In all honesty its not really a subject that needs to be talked about. Even though you don't feel like you will love or trust again, you will. In time this will just be a distant memory. We live, we learn and we love. You will be just fine. There are many loves that will enter and exit our lives for a reason. He was a life lesson for you and you just need to see it as that.
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973741_tn?1342346373
No,  do not speak to him.  Speak to a therapist.  That is the best chance to sort through your feelings.  You lived this secret life for a long time and a professional can guide you through why and how this happened and prepare you to move on and not go down this road again.  

You were lied to but for a very long time.  Three years of believing someone was broken up and just waiting until their "ex" that they lived with would find someone else . . .  well, you see what I'm saying.  You were lied which stinks but you were also willing to go along with this scenario for a long time.  Even if he wasn't lying, you were willing to accept a sub par relationship. I think you should examine this.  

I would think that developing a close friend that you can share all of yourself with would be helpful.  You aren't the only woman that has made a mistake and if I was girlfriends with someone and they told me this, I'd not judge them.  I'm a friend even when my friends screw up.  

Make sure you fill your life with things outside of men and pursue what interests you in life. What you share with someone is your own business.  You don't have to give every nitty gritty detail.  You can express that you were in a long term relationship with someone that was lying to you and cheated and it hurt you.  And you are ready for a better  and more fulfilling relationship.

Good luck and wishing you peace in your heart in getting over this.
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684030_tn?1357024374
Support systems are always important and I would highly encourage you to discuss this with someone... however, I would think that it would be odd and uncomfortable having him as your confidant. So, I would say, if you can trust him to speak honestly and in an unbiased manner about the relationship, go ahead and confide in him. The only thing is, given his track record... he doesn't strike me as being particularly honest. And, as for unbiased... well, I don't see how the offending party can speak any degree of neutrality. Don't you have at least one close friend to give you an objective perspective on this? Have you considered joining a local support group to help you process your feelings?
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285927_tn?1380802356
"He" is the one person in the world you should not be speaking with about your feelings or anything else for that matter. He made his choice and needs to devote 100% of his time to his choice. You being in the picture for whatever reason is not good for him and his wife, nor for you. IMO you need to turn your back on the past and put one foot in front of the other going forward. It will not be easy, it will not be fun. It is the only thing you can do in order to move on with your life. Time will help and hopefully you will meet someone that is free to develop a trusting relationship that will last forever. Yes it is still out there, you just waylayed it all by getting involved with someone who was not available. As far as trusting someone else, that will come as well and I would bet you will meet someone that you can trust with your past that you may not be real proud of. When you meet the right person, this stuff just sorta happens, you will see.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for all the advice, and sorry my post was not clear.
He was no longer in a relationship or still living with his ex. He had moved out and bought a new place by himself which enabled him to start two completely new relationships.
He has enhanced his life by lying to me so I dont blame him given how happy has has been and has made his life now. I have no issue with that
Mami, thanks for the comments and he has already said he is sorry - although I think probably more sorry that he was caught. I dont want him back and short term pain relief is better in my book than none at all!
For a few reasons, there is no-one that I can speak to apart from him which is at the crux of my issue.
Oh, and everyone talks about it takes time - any ideas how long. I wasted three years with someone who didnt care about me at all and now I am wasting more time trying to recover. I guess that is the only reason I an a bit envious of him - he has had a great three years and it has springboarded him into a really happy life. But from his perspective why not and he freely admits that he has totally prospered.
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145992_tn?1341348674
There is no way to say how long it will take.  Everyone handles these things in their own time.  Some people love so deeply that they have trouble getting over relationships, some people bounce right back.  I know it takes me a good amount of time to move on but once you do, it's such a great feeling.  Short term pain relief will make the heartache last that much longer.  Every time you speak with him you are opening up the door to continuing the pain.  It is like your drug and when you go through rehab, you stop cold turkey.  That's what you have to do here.  If you don't have friends then go out and make some.  That should be your focus, not him and what he's doing or how happy he is.  Frankly, if he was soooo happy, he wouldn't of felt the need to live double lives.  You have to force yourself to move forward and if you don't, I feel you will be stuck in limbo a lot longer than you have to be.  Good luck.
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Avatar_m_tn
i have loads of friends fortunately but none in whom it would be appropriate to speak about htis with - guess I was lying to them too thinking it was just a matter of time so in some ways was a white lie and would never hurt them in any way. Would rather not have everyone know I was duped and I was stupid!
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145992_tn?1341348674
We all make mistakes and I'm sure they have as well.  If they are your true friends they wouldn't judge you but support you and make you feel better.  You don't have to tell everyone, just one or two that you can confide in and who can help you through this tough time.  You need to lean on someone and that someone shouldn't be the man who made you feel the way you feel right now.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I agree that the time it takes is different for everyone.  I think the busier you get with life, the faster time will go.  Those loads of friends you have, call them and start going and doing things you enjoy.  You do not have to talk about what is happened.  I sense that you feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm guessing far more women have wound up in your position than you think.  Some are actually married and find out their spouse has lied to them and was cheating.  So you were in a relationship with a liar that cheated.  No different.  

But you don't have to get into details.  Just tell them you were in a relationship that went bad and you don't want to talk about it and start putting some distance between yourself and this relationship.

As to talking to someone, I'm thinking a therapist.  Therapists can help you sort out your feelings.  They guide you through and listen without any judgement.  They are on your side.  I am glad you  are happy for his happiness . . . but the guy is a jerk.  And I'd like for you to be able to say that and mean it someday!  Who cares if he is happy?  He's a jerk and probably get what he gives someday, in my opinion.  I'm not telling you to hold onto anger but I think it would be good to acknowledge it a little.

So is therapy an option for you?
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Avatar_m_tn
I dont think so - I hate that sort of thing and at the end of the day they cant turn back the clock anymore than I can. He did call me last night and said how happy he and his partner are which is great - he knows that I am really happy for them. I did tell him I wish I hated him but I just dont.
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Avatar_m_tn
as a voice of reason, is it really possible for them to be so happy after what he did to her? he says they get on great and it is all going perfectly and that he is very lucky. he is not saying that to be hurtful i am sure, but i cant believe they never discuss it and she never mentions it.
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145992_tn?1341348674
What is it going to take for you to get mad at him? He cheated on you and lied to you for 3 years. He dumps you and says he wants to make it work with her. Then he calls you to gloat about how happy they are. Why do you still talk to him or answer his calls? He is unbelievably insensitive and cruel. You are defending him and saying you are happy for them, do you see nothing wrong with this picture? Where is your self worth? You should be saying f-ck him, he's a jerk! He used me, hurt me, emotionally abused me and I'm done. Change your phone number and start over fresh.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Think of it this way.  That relationship had enough issues that they broke up and he was with you as well during it.  How happy could they be?  Not very.  I would NOT take phone calls from this guy.  Ever.  Be strong here.  You don't need that contact.  Is a therapist an option?  I think it would help because I sense something is a bit amiss with your reaction to all this.  I know you say I don't think therapy is an option but I am wondering why.  You are very wrapped up in a past hurtful relationship and unable to move forward it seems.  Perhaps a professional can get you over the hump.  There is a better man out there for you but you need to let this past relationship go and move on.  Instead of being happy for them, be happy for yourself and your future.  It will be so much better than this.  good luck
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303824_tn?1294875001
I agree with the other ladies, especially the last 2 posts. I'll just be blunt here..you need to stop communicating with him and start relying on your friends for support, not the one that double crossed you. What exactly do you get out of the conversations you have with him to ease your pain? All he talks about is how crazy happy he is with his girlfriend, so how does that make you happy?

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Avatar_m_tn
I dont know - I think the point is that it is only when I speak with him that I feel like I am not a liar. He is the only person that I feel knows me properly and the only one that I can tell how I feel which always helps. Typically I speak, feel better and he says little apart from he is sorry and that he never meant it to be like this.
I am happy for him - I couldnt make him happy in the way that I thought I did and now he has found happiness with someone else. I am not so churlish to wish ill on him - I wanted the best for him when we were together and he is a fun guy so why not now just because I wasnt right for him?
I am not so much wrapped up in the relationship, the hardest bit to get past is not that, more that I have all the consequences of his actions rather than him which is tough to accept and move past.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm starting to sound like a broken record so may have to beg out of this discussion.  You spend a significant portion of your time talking about him, his happiness, etc. etc. etc.  What about you?  If you don't start focusing on yourself-------  I'm going to get worried about you.  

You need to stop talking about him, talking to him, and get on with your life.  What can you do this weekend that would be fun?  Do it and start living life again.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I want you to know that I do have high hopes for you to be able to start over and find happiness.  Even if that guy had chosen you-----------  he would not have been a good catch at all.  He's a lyer, cheat, low character kind of person.  He had two women at once and lied to at least one of them.  So don't make him into some kind of saint.  It is okay to miss him but be realistic about what he is.  You need a better person in your life than that.

Call up one of your friends and just suggest getting together.   Don't talk about the relationship---------  just do something with people that gets you out of the frame of mind that takes you back to that past.  

You will have to decide that you want to move on.  Why isn't therapy an option, by the way?  wish you luck no matter what.
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303824_tn?1294875001
specialmom took the words right out of my mouth (or hands rather..lol). Girl, it's time to start focusing your attention back toward you rather than him. I went through something similar several years ago and I know exactly how you feel. I was married to a jerk of a man who cheated on me (and hit me!) constantly. I was so dependent on him, I took it. He had me feeling as if I deserved everything I got and he broke me down. My self esteem was gone. I got pregnant and big shocker, he denied the baby. I stayed with him for 7 years but I finally got sick of it and left for good. It took about 6 months to get him out of my system. He married a girl he cheated on me with and she treats him just as horrible (if not worse) than he did me. We share a son so we have to talk regularly but it's not that way for you. I devoted ALL my time to my family, friends, church and getting ready to bring our son into the world. I started dating about 2 months after I gave birth and even though they were rebounds, it helped pass time and gave me something else to do and think about. A year and a half after I left I met my current husband whom I adore and he worships the ground I walk on. He is sooooo incredibly good to me (I could go on all day about him =)  There is light at the end of the tunnel sweetie! I promise! It may not see m that way now, but there is. You will never be able to move forward if you can't let go of the past. It is what it is, accept what you can't change and let it go. Focus on YOU and you alone for a while. Go do some things that you have wanted to do. Go to the spa, go shopping, go out for dinner and drinks with your friends. Go skiing or hiking, or a trip if you can with girlfriends. That would be the best possible thing you can do right now. Your self esteem has taken a hit and it needs to rebuilt. Don't continue to let it get you down, get up and go girl!!
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145992_tn?1341348674
I agree with specialmom on this one as well. Until you realize that this man is a piece of poo you will find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again and perhaps it will be with another creep. You've sacrificed your happiness for his. Its not that you have to wish him bad but to not recognize him for all the nasty things he did to not only you but another woman shows that you aren't really seeing things clearly. That worries me as well. I agree you need to let him go out of your life. Someone else can get to know you sometime again in the future. I also think you need to consider therapy.
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303824_tn?1294875001
One more thing, the consequences of him cheating is not your cross to bear, it's his. Karma will come back on him one day for that. One day he will know the pain of being cheated on. Yeah he says his life is all sunshine and roses right now, but I guarantee it will come back on him one day. It always does...
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Avatar_m_tn
Well the weekend has been and gone and it was OK but I dont agree that it is his cross to bear not mine. His life proceeds unaffected, without the lies, whereas mine has been thrown into total turmoil. He is not the one that has to come to terms with rejections, cheating, betrayl, knowing he spent his weekends having fun while I muddled through waiting for him to get his act together, lies, come to terms that he holidayed with her (when clearly he had a choice), that I was clearly doing something wrong and not making him happy, the list is endless.....it takes a poeple a lot of time to recover from one of the above let alone all of them combined. Life will go on, and it will never be quite the same as it was before but that is something that in time I hope to come to terms with. I dont think therapy will help as they cant turn back the clock anymore than I can. They cant change the facts which are what hurt, not my interprepation of the situation or the way I am interpreting my relationship/life etc. Although you guys all seem to be believers I dont understand why??
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145992_tn?1341348674
We are because every single one of us have been hurt in our pasts and we have survived and moved on.  So that's why we say it will be ok.  The reason why we suggested therapy is not so the hurt will go away because therapists aren't miracle workers in that sense but what they can do is give you an outlet so that instead of talking to him about how you feel, you can talk to someone who can assess the situation and give sound advice and skills so that you won't repeat the same mistakes you did here.  And frankly, I don't think him cheating or choosing her has anything to do with you not being able to make him happy.  I don't think that is what propelled him to do what he did.  I think he saw an opportunity and ran with it.  Once it got too complicated, he made a choice.  I do not know why he chose her, maybe he has more history with her, maybe all his friends and family knew her.  It had nothing to do with you as a person.  A therapist can also help you to recognize this.  It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now but it will be there, once you stop thinking about how he's doing and focus on how your doing, it will get there even quicker.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am not sure that I made any mistakes - only trusting a liar who was very very good at it so how can they help me? I think the issue will remain that he has behaved in a way that has made him happy and it is hard to know that I was so irrelevant to him that I am out of his life and he will have felt not a single negative consequence. He only made a choice as he was found out - he has said that had I not found out he would probably still be seeing us both and that had I found out on anothe day he could have chosen me (I know that he doesnt sound like a great catch but is great fun to be with, appears caring, interested...). His friends do know her and she woudl have totally humiliated him at work where he is really successful had he chosen me but that is also the point. Lie to me, cheat on me and not even lose the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. And also, if he was happy then why waste time chasing anothe woman. I think that your situation seems tough but I think that I could've coped better if I wasnt dealing with infidelity and rejection at teh same time that it was finally goign to be our time after keeping things quiet as his ex is now blissfully happy with a millionaire that treats her amazingly well.
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145992_tn?1341348674
How happy could she be finding out the man she loved and thought loved her was having another relationship behind her back for 3 years?  I don't care if you are chosen or rejected, you still have to deal with that pain.  I don't go around thinking oh I'm so happy, I go around thinking how could he do that to me?  I go around wondering if he will do it again.  I go around wondering if I will ever trust him again.  I wonder if I will ever love him the way I used to.  You may not understand that because we are still together but I still struggle with the insecurities he's left me and struggle with finding happiness together.  You will never know what is really going on inside someone's relationship.  Which is why you shouldn't be focusing on them but on yourself.  And we always make mistakes, perhaps yours was allowing him to keep silent about your relationship.  Maybe next time you won't let someone control a situation like that.  How about allowing him to contact you afterward and not telling him exactly where to stick it?  There are always ways we can work on ourselves.  No one is perfect.  But if you feel that you don't need therapy, than so be it.  There is nothing wrong with it at all.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
What you feel seems more complicated because he was a man with a relationship going on as the same time he was seeing you.  But in reality---------  this is a break up.  You'd feel the same if he had told you he just didn't see a future with you and wanted to be free to look for someone he could have a future with.  You are hurt and trying to deal with it.  I've been hurt and everyone has been hurt here.  Rejection is very hard to deal with.  All of the other stuff adds layers on top of it, but it is the same emotion.  

Therapy helps in two regards.  No---------  it won't change your past.  But it will help to talk about it and how you ended up in this situation.  He was somewhat unavailable as he would have to be to have two relationships at once--------  he was dividing his time.  Why was that enough for you?  That might be something to look at.  A therapist is also a safe place to vent all of the hurt, guilt, embarrassment, pain, anger, humiliation, etc. that you feel.  And the added bonus is that their life's work is talking to people with such issues and they have the insight that would provide.  They might have ideas for you that you would never think of because you only see it from one perspective, your own.  

If you don't want to see a therapist, then I think you will have to deal with this like any other break up.  Start to believe he was a bit of a jerk and even if he wasn't, that it was a flawed relationship.  Then start to fill your life with other things.  Then start to move past it.  Then eventually find another person that you can have the relationship you want with.  And all of this is separate from "him" and "them".  He's out of your life-------  and from the outside looking in, I'd wish a better man for you.  A man of better character that loves you completely and only you.  But you need to start wanting better for yourself for that to ever happen.  good luck
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303824_tn?1294875001
I am a huge believer because I have been there and I came out on the other side so I know it can/will be behind you one day. I know you are hurting and the future may not look so bright right now but it WILL get better and you will be a stronger person for overcoming so much pain. He will pay for his wrongdoings (hence his cross to bear) when Karma rears it's head toward him.

I, too, think a therapist would help you tremendously. No, he/she can't turn back the clock but he/she can help you sort your feelings out and can help you come to terms with the pain so you can overcome it.
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Avatar_m_tn
I dont agree with your post - in the situation of a normal break up you have both tried, been committed to each other, been honest with each other, both wanted it to work and not had another plan to fall back on if things got a bit hard, spent as much time with each other as possible, not sent each other meaningless presents, known that for every valentines gift you received she received one too, been directly compared to another woman etc etc.
I did want more time but we live about 40 mins apart and both have very busy lives with work and top level sports so we'd see each other in the week a few times, then fri night, sunday night alway and sometimes more but depending on if either of us were overseas.
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145992_tn?1341348674
There is no perfect break up. People end relationships for all types of reasons. You can't dwell on the break up itself but focus more on the healing. You're angry right now and that is good because that will keep moving you forward. At least you aren't wishing him happiness any longer. However, now you need to think of your needs. Hang out with friends, pamper yourself, join a gym. Do what is positive for you. In time you will be over this even though it doesn't seem that way now.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Okay.  I agree this was not like any other relationship but the emotion is the same after a break up.  You are trying to get over someone who rejected you.  Add a few layers of extra humiliation and guilt onto it due to the special circumstances but you are basically trying to recover from the end of a relationship.  That was my point.  I can tell that you are in a vulnerable position right now and any reference to you getting less than you deserved is hurting you.  But when you finally see that, you will move on more easily.  Until then, I'd do the same things that others do when trying to wound a broken heart.  Keep busy, pursue things you enjoy, fill up your time with others, be kind to yourself.  Also, keep your distance from the one who broke your heart.  good luck
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973741_tn?1342346373
I meant mend a broken heart . ..
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Avatar_m_tn
He has now been in touch about meeting for a drink - do you know what, I am minded to go along and send his other girlfriend a message telling her exactly where he can be found that night. Is that really stooping too low? She can also read all his messages post our break up if she likes. What do you think?
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973741_tn?1342346373
If you were going for that reason------------- A okay by me.  I like the new anger as that will speed up your process of moving on.  But I'd only want you to go if it were for that reason.  I'm sorry-----------  sounds to me like this guy is up to his old tricks and you want no part of it.  I'm going to answer for you--------------  NO!  Just think if he had chosen you, he'd be meeting up for drinks with her. What a prize!

But I think it wouldn't hurt to let his girlfriend know about the invite and his contacting you.  She might think that is relevant to the kind of person she is with.  

Anyway, I think you are making progress.  I don't want you to be a bitter woman or anything like that--------  but seeing this person for what he is and not falling for it would be a great step.  Next you will be laughing and having fun with someone else.  I just know it!!  Lots and lots of luck!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks - I am stil pleased for him rather than angry with what he did as he has made himself happy. However, it wouldnt have been the way that I would have chosen to behave.

Doea anyone else have view? I think that I will just send her a message to meet us at the restaurant and see what happens. He might leave with her and that woudl be a bit awkward but one of those things I guess.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I honestly think you are setting yourself up for pain here. First how can you say you are happy for him and in the next breath want to set him up? That makes no sense. You're happy but want revenge? I think you are too wrapped up into him to see clearly. What I would do is kindly decline, change my number so he can't contact me again and move on with my life. If you go and they leave together you will look and feel dumb. That will be a total set back. Leave them to their relationship. She will find out soon enough what kind of guy she has. If you really feel like letting her know than forward her the message and be done with them both. Your absorption in all of this drama is not healthy.
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686059_tn?1293837427
Everything in "secret and with excuses" will come to light always! I feel that you still have feelings for him, but he wants to salvage his relationship. My advice,is, if you really want what is best for both of you, leave it alone. Step back and out and move on with your life. Never stay with someone who does not appreciate you, has proven to be untrustworthy and high risk for infidelity. Have self respect and dignity and know when a relationship is poison...time for reality check and move on.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi - I do still have some feelings for him which I think is normal given how long we were together. They are not the same as when we were together of course and I dont want to be with him any more but I still care about him. In response to Mami, I dont want to set him up, I think that he is doing that for himself. And why do it if he is so happy?! I dont want to forward her his message - that is not going to be helpful - if we were to meet then at least I can hear what he has to say

It is clear that he wants his relationship with the other woman to work as he has invested in that heavily too and if that is what he wants then great. However, in his shoes I would make no contact with me as the risk of being uncovered as still being in contact would be too great so part of me thinks that he wants her to find out?? Weird right?
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I just keep trying to reiterate to you that in YOUR shoes I would have no contact with HIM.  I'm not sure what you are getting out of it.  There is this thing called secondary gain.  It is the reason we do things that are not in our best interest sometimes.  What is it that you get from remaining in contact with him?  It prolongs the situation and your being stuck in this place.  good luck
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145992_tn?1341348674
I think you are overanalyzing this.  He does not want to get caught, he wants to have you both.  He's not interested in making it work with her because if he were, he would cut off all contact with you.  I also don't understand your rationale about not forwarding the message from him because you don't get to hear what he has to say.  Well, what do you think he would say?  He would be caught, he would probably try to convince her that you are crazy and set this up.  It will not turn out good for you.  Again, I'm going to be blunt here, you are too preoccupied with this whole entire situation.  I understand you are hurt, granted, I don't blame you for that, you have every reason to be this way.  However, you are too focused on him, her, his happiness, and everything else.  Specialmom is right, you need to let him go and do things for yourself.  Now I feel like the broken record.
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Avatar_m_tn
You are probably right that I am thinking about it too much, but there are constant reminders of him in my life and whilst I am happy for him etc etc as I want him to be happy of course it is hard to accept that life is not fair (and there are many worse things that can happen for sure) and they are off doing all the things that he said we would do together and I was looking forward to as he said "things always work out for him". His contact is intermittent and for sure I dont want to send a message to her that he has sent me to give him the chance to tell her I am crazy. It would be much easier for her to see us out together so whatever excuse he comes up with it cant be that I am making it all up!
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145992_tn?1341348674
There will be reminders for a while since you just broke up and yes you did share a significant amount of time with him.  However, that time was shared.  So this relationship that you are holding on to was not even a substantial relationship.  There were things missing in it.  YOU deserve to have a man who is 100% commited to you and you will find that one day.  Once you decide to let go of this and move forward.  Again, leave them to their relationship and move on.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I think that that is the point - they are in a relationship that is going well which is clearly better than being single and it has all been achieved a my expense. I was his safety blanket - for sure I think that I deserve better than that but even so I think that it is fair to say that cheating on me has led to prospering for him. If he hadnt cheated on me then perhaps he would've missed out on her which would've been tough for him too.
Anyway, who needs a boyfriend. I have come to realise that I dont and they lead to more pain than hapiness. Something I thought was good was clearly not but at least I had a good try. Some people arent even lucky enough to get that from life.

And a question for you if I may - is your partner OK with you posting on this site so frequently? Doesnt it just re-open old wounds and remind you of infidelity - not hos but others and make you doubt him?
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145992_tn?1341348674
First, I don't know how old you are but you have plenty of life ahead of you and just because this relationship didn't pan out, then doesn't mean you won't ever meet anyone else and have a normal relationship.  Second, from what you have written in your post, he was with her first and cheating on her with you.  

As far as my relationship is concerned, I post because I needed advice and support when I was experiencing a tough time in my life.  The friends I've made here got me through the worst of times.  I post here trying to help others in any way I can based on my experience.  It doesn't re-open wounds for me because by writing I am venting and getting my frustrations out and it's my therapy.  By using what I've been through to help someone else, I feel like at least what happened to me happened for a reason because it allows me to help someone else.  It's completely separate from him.  Hearing other's experiences doesn't make me doubt him, if there is doubt it's because of him, not from others talking about their own experiences.  Why would I bring it home with me?  
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Avatar_m_tn
I am 35 so not good timign as all my friends are married and starting families.
I am sure that older woman are meant to be cheated on -mid life crisi and all that!
No, other way round - he was mine then cheated on me with her - broke it off with her then went back to her to rekindle their relationship. I dont think that helps. I had 2 bites of the cherry with someone I really really liked and neither time was I enough for him
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145992_tn?1341348674
Gotcha, ok.  I think just focusing on enjoying your life without a man is the best way to go.  You can date and have fun but don't take things so seriously.  Maybe when you start to do that, things will turn around.  
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