help!

[whattodo435]

Ok, I have really screwed up and I am sure you guys will crucify me which is fair enough but I woudl like some thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 3 years but due to his messy break up with his ex I decided that it would work better to keep our relationship a secret until she had found a new partner and was happy again. This however, basically gave him an excuse to cheat and he was effetively living a secret life.

We had sent some stupid texts while he remained with his ex and although they had agreed to split they were still living together and clearly they were stupid and caused her pain so I completely deserve the angst I am suffering knowing that I completely wasted my time and saw loads of friends marry and move their lives on while I waited on a cheater basically.

When he was found out as a cheat by us both he decided I could never forgive him and he has been working on things with her. I have been told so many lies by both him and her it seems.

I want the best for him and cheatign on me has made him happy and I guess you have to look after number one or else no-one else will. I am not bitter towards him and hope he is really happy.

My issue is that thinking about another relationship opens up all the old wounds - i wouldnt be able to say anything to him about my past and I am sure that I will be super paranoid which will drive him away for sure. And I guess I will always be wondering if he is truly happy or looking to trade me in for a better model.

My issue is that everything I read says surround yourself with friends, talk to people, get it off your chest etc but the only person I can talk to is him (and I am not in a position to confide in anyone else). I want the best for him and dont want a relationship with him again so it is not awkward in that sense but probably not that healing although I do feel better after speaking to someone about, getting upset, frustrated and trying to understand why.

Any idea please

[mami1323]

Gotcha, ok.  I think just focusing on enjoying your life without a man is the best way to go.  You can date and have fun but don't take things so seriously.  Maybe when you start to do that, things will turn around.  

[whattodo435]

I am 35 so not good timign as all my friends are married and starting families.
I am sure that older woman are meant to be cheated on -mid life crisi and all that!
No, other way round - he was mine then cheated on me with her - broke it off with her then went back to her to rekindle their relationship. I dont think that helps. I had 2 bites of the cherry with someone I really really liked and neither time was I enough for him

[mami1323]

First, I don't know how old you are but you have plenty of life ahead of you and just because this relationship didn't pan out, then doesn't mean you won't ever meet anyone else and have a normal relationship.  Second, from what you have written in your post, he was with her first and cheating on her with you.  

As far as my relationship is concerned, I post because I needed advice and support when I was experiencing a tough time in my life.  The friends I've made here got me through the worst of times.  I post here trying to help others in any way I can based on my experience.  It doesn't re-open wounds for me because by writing I am venting and getting my frustrations out and it's my therapy.  By using what I've been through to help someone else, I feel like at least what happened to me happened for a reason because it allows me to help someone else.  It's completely separate from him.  Hearing other's experiences doesn't make me doubt him, if there is doubt it's because of him, not from others talking about their own experiences.  Why would I bring it home with me?  

[whattodo435]

I think that that is the point - they are in a relationship that is going well which is clearly better than being single and it has all been achieved a my expense. I was his safety blanket - for sure I think that I deserve better than that but even so I think that it is fair to say that cheating on me has led to prospering for him. If he hadnt cheated on me then perhaps he would've missed out on her which would've been tough for him too.
Anyway, who needs a boyfriend. I have come to realise that I dont and they lead to more pain than hapiness. Something I thought was good was clearly not but at least I had a good try. Some people arent even lucky enough to get that from life.

And a question for you if I may - is your partner OK with you posting on this site so frequently? Doesnt it just re-open old wounds and remind you of infidelity - not hos but others and make you doubt him?

[mami1323]

There will be reminders for a while since you just broke up and yes you did share a significant amount of time with him.  However, that time was shared.  So this relationship that you are holding on to was not even a substantial relationship.  There were things missing in it.  YOU deserve to have a man who is 100% commited to you and you will find that one day.  Once you decide to let go of this and move forward.  Again, leave them to their relationship and move on.  

[whattodo435]

You are probably right that I am thinking about it too much, but there are constant reminders of him in my life and whilst I am happy for him etc etc as I want him to be happy of course it is hard to accept that life is not fair (and there are many worse things that can happen for sure) and they are off doing all the things that he said we would do together and I was looking forward to as he said "things always work out for him". His contact is intermittent and for sure I dont want to send a message to her that he has sent me to give him the chance to tell her I am crazy. It would be much easier for her to see us out together so whatever excuse he comes up with it cant be that I am making it all up!

[mami1323]

I think you are overanalyzing this.  He does not want to get caught, he wants to have you both.  He's not interested in making it work with her because if he were, he would cut off all contact with you.  I also don't understand your rationale about not forwarding the message from him because you don't get to hear what he has to say.  Well, what do you think he would say?  He would be caught, he would probably try to convince her that you are crazy and set this up.  It will not turn out good for you.  Again, I'm going to be blunt here, you are too preoccupied with this whole entire situation.  I understand you are hurt, granted, I don't blame you for that, you have every reason to be this way.  However, you are too focused on him, her, his happiness, and everything else.  Specialmom is right, you need to let him go and do things for yourself.  Now I feel like the broken record.

[specialmom]

I just keep trying to reiterate to you that in YOUR shoes I would have no contact with HIM.  I'm not sure what you are getting out of it.  There is this thing called secondary gain.  It is the reason we do things that are not in our best interest sometimes.  What is it that you get from remaining in contact with him?  It prolongs the situation and your being stuck in this place.  good luck

[whattodo435]

Hi - I do still have some feelings for him which I think is normal given how long we were together. They are not the same as when we were together of course and I dont want to be with him any more but I still care about him. In response to Mami, I dont want to set him up, I think that he is doing that for himself. And why do it if he is so happy?! I dont want to forward her his message - that is not going to be helpful - if we were to meet then at least I can hear what he has to say

It is clear that he wants his relationship with the other woman to work as he has invested in that heavily too and if that is what he wants then great. However, in his shoes I would make no contact with me as the risk of being uncovered as still being in contact would be too great so part of me thinks that he wants her to find out?? Weird right?

[Judy246]

Everything in "secret and with excuses" will come to light always! I feel that you still have feelings for him, but he wants to salvage his relationship. My advice,is, if you really want what is best for both of you, leave it alone. Step back and out and move on with your life. Never stay with someone who does not appreciate you, has proven to be untrustworthy and high risk for infidelity. Have self respect and dignity and know when a relationship is poison...time for reality check and move on.

[mami1323]

I honestly think you are setting yourself up for pain here. First how can you say you are happy for him and in the next breath want to set him up? That makes no sense. You're happy but want revenge? I think you are too wrapped up into him to see clearly. What I would do is kindly decline, change my number so he can't contact me again and move on with my life. If you go and they leave together you will look and feel dumb. That will be a total set back. Leave them to their relationship. She will find out soon enough what kind of guy she has. If you really feel like letting her know than forward her the message and be done with them both. Your absorption in all of this drama is not healthy.

[whattodo435]

Thanks - I am stil pleased for him rather than angry with what he did as he has made himself happy. However, it wouldnt have been the way that I would have chosen to behave.

Doea anyone else have view? I think that I will just send her a message to meet us at the restaurant and see what happens. He might leave with her and that woudl be a bit awkward but one of those things I guess.

[specialmom]

If you were going for that reason------------- A okay by me.  I like the new anger as that will speed up your process of moving on.  But I'd only want you to go if it were for that reason.  I'm sorry-----------  sounds to me like this guy is up to his old tricks and you want no part of it.  I'm going to answer for you--------------  NO!  Just think if he had chosen you, he'd be meeting up for drinks with her. What a prize!

But I think it wouldn't hurt to let his girlfriend know about the invite and his contacting you.  She might think that is relevant to the kind of person she is with.  

Anyway, I think you are making progress.  I don't want you to be a bitter woman or anything like that--------  but seeing this person for what he is and not falling for it would be a great step.  Next you will be laughing and having fun with someone else.  I just know it!!  Lots and lots of luck!

[whattodo435]

He has now been in touch about meeting for a drink - do you know what, I am minded to go along and send his other girlfriend a message telling her exactly where he can be found that night. Is that really stooping too low? She can also read all his messages post our break up if she likes. What do you think?

[specialmom]

I meant mend a broken heart . ..

[specialmom]

Okay.  I agree this was not like any other relationship but the emotion is the same after a break up.  You are trying to get over someone who rejected you.  Add a few layers of extra humiliation and guilt onto it due to the special circumstances but you are basically trying to recover from the end of a relationship.  That was my point.  I can tell that you are in a vulnerable position right now and any reference to you getting less than you deserved is hurting you.  But when you finally see that, you will move on more easily.  Until then, I'd do the same things that others do when trying to wound a broken heart.  Keep busy, pursue things you enjoy, fill up your time with others, be kind to yourself.  Also, keep your distance from the one who broke your heart.  good luck

[mami1323]

There is no perfect break up. People end relationships for all types of reasons. You can't dwell on the break up itself but focus more on the healing. You're angry right now and that is good because that will keep moving you forward. At least you aren't wishing him happiness any longer. However, now you need to think of your needs. Hang out with friends, pamper yourself, join a gym. Do what is positive for you. In time you will be over this even though it doesn't seem that way now.

[whattodo435]

I dont agree with your post - in the situation of a normal break up you have both tried, been committed to each other, been honest with each other, both wanted it to work and not had another plan to fall back on if things got a bit hard, spent as much time with each other as possible, not sent each other meaningless presents, known that for every valentines gift you received she received one too, been directly compared to another woman etc etc.
I did want more time but we live about 40 mins apart and both have very busy lives with work and top level sports so we'd see each other in the week a few times, then fri night, sunday night alway and sometimes more but depending on if either of us were overseas.

[imanaddict]

I am a huge believer because I have been there and I came out on the other side so I know it can/will be behind you one day. I know you are hurting and the future may not look so bright right now but it WILL get better and you will be a stronger person for overcoming so much pain. He will pay for his wrongdoings (hence his cross to bear) when Karma rears it's head toward him.

I, too, think a therapist would help you tremendously. No, he/she can't turn back the clock but he/she can help you sort your feelings out and can help you come to terms with the pain so you can overcome it.

[specialmom]

What you feel seems more complicated because he was a man with a relationship going on as the same time he was seeing you.  But in reality---------  this is a break up.  You'd feel the same if he had told you he just didn't see a future with you and wanted to be free to look for someone he could have a future with.  You are hurt and trying to deal with it.  I've been hurt and everyone has been hurt here.  Rejection is very hard to deal with.  All of the other stuff adds layers on top of it, but it is the same emotion.  

Therapy helps in two regards.  No---------  it won't change your past.  But it will help to talk about it and how you ended up in this situation.  He was somewhat unavailable as he would have to be to have two relationships at once--------  he was dividing his time.  Why was that enough for you?  That might be something to look at.  A therapist is also a safe place to vent all of the hurt, guilt, embarrassment, pain, anger, humiliation, etc. that you feel.  And the added bonus is that their life's work is talking to people with such issues and they have the insight that would provide.  They might have ideas for you that you would never think of because you only see it from one perspective, your own.  

If you don't want to see a therapist, then I think you will have to deal with this like any other break up.  Start to believe he was a bit of a jerk and even if he wasn't, that it was a flawed relationship.  Then start to fill your life with other things.  Then start to move past it.  Then eventually find another person that you can have the relationship you want with.  And all of this is separate from "him" and "them".  He's out of your life-------  and from the outside looking in, I'd wish a better man for you.  A man of better character that loves you completely and only you.  But you need to start wanting better for yourself for that to ever happen.  good luck

[mami1323]

How happy could she be finding out the man she loved and thought loved her was having another relationship behind her back for 3 years?  I don't care if you are chosen or rejected, you still have to deal with that pain.  I don't go around thinking oh I'm so happy, I go around thinking how could he do that to me?  I go around wondering if he will do it again.  I go around wondering if I will ever trust him again.  I wonder if I will ever love him the way I used to.  You may not understand that because we are still together but I still struggle with the insecurities he's left me and struggle with finding happiness together.  You will never know what is really going on inside someone's relationship.  Which is why you shouldn't be focusing on them but on yourself.  And we always make mistakes, perhaps yours was allowing him to keep silent about your relationship.  Maybe next time you won't let someone control a situation like that.  How about allowing him to contact you afterward and not telling him exactly where to stick it?  There are always ways we can work on ourselves.  No one is perfect.  But if you feel that you don't need therapy, than so be it.  There is nothing wrong with it at all.  

[whattodo435]

I am not sure that I made any mistakes - only trusting a liar who was very very good at it so how can they help me? I think the issue will remain that he has behaved in a way that has made him happy and it is hard to know that I was so irrelevant to him that I am out of his life and he will have felt not a single negative consequence. He only made a choice as he was found out - he has said that had I not found out he would probably still be seeing us both and that had I found out on anothe day he could have chosen me (I know that he doesnt sound like a great catch but is great fun to be with, appears caring, interested...). His friends do know her and she woudl have totally humiliated him at work where he is really successful had he chosen me but that is also the point. Lie to me, cheat on me and not even lose the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. And also, if he was happy then why waste time chasing anothe woman. I think that your situation seems tough but I think that I could've coped better if I wasnt dealing with infidelity and rejection at teh same time that it was finally goign to be our time after keeping things quiet as his ex is now blissfully happy with a millionaire that treats her amazingly well.

[mami1323]

We are because every single one of us have been hurt in our pasts and we have survived and moved on.  So that's why we say it will be ok.  The reason why we suggested therapy is not so the hurt will go away because therapists aren't miracle workers in that sense but what they can do is give you an outlet so that instead of talking to him about how you feel, you can talk to someone who can assess the situation and give sound advice and skills so that you won't repeat the same mistakes you did here.  And frankly, I don't think him cheating or choosing her has anything to do with you not being able to make him happy.  I don't think that is what propelled him to do what he did.  I think he saw an opportunity and ran with it.  Once it got too complicated, he made a choice.  I do not know why he chose her, maybe he has more history with her, maybe all his friends and family knew her.  It had nothing to do with you as a person.  A therapist can also help you to recognize this.  It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now but it will be there, once you stop thinking about how he's doing and focus on how your doing, it will get there even quicker.

[whattodo435]

Well the weekend has been and gone and it was OK but I dont agree that it is his cross to bear not mine. His life proceeds unaffected, without the lies, whereas mine has been thrown into total turmoil. He is not the one that has to come to terms with rejections, cheating, betrayl, knowing he spent his weekends having fun while I muddled through waiting for him to get his act together, lies, come to terms that he holidayed with her (when clearly he had a choice), that I was clearly doing something wrong and not making him happy, the list is endless.....it takes a poeple a lot of time to recover from one of the above let alone all of them combined. Life will go on, and it will never be quite the same as it was before but that is something that in time I hope to come to terms with. I dont think therapy will help as they cant turn back the clock anymore than I can. They cant change the facts which are what hurt, not my interprepation of the situation or the way I am interpreting my relationship/life etc. Although you guys all seem to be believers I dont understand why??