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I swear whenever I start to think back " which is very often" of things that have happened to me . I can feel it all over again , the pain the helplessness , I can just pretty much feel everything that happened, I don't always feel it all the way But when I'm not feeling the pain of it, I THINK of it all the time. Sometimes I just feel like I'm trapped in it, like I relive everything that happened everyday and i try to function on a way that I can live around it. Even trying to live around it, it's always still in the back of my mind. I relate everything I do to my past. EVERYTHING. I don't know why I just noticed this. I know I've been doing it for a long time, but i thought it was just normal, to live and to feel that way. But after talking to some of my family the other night ... I realized this is ALL I do. And i can't help it let a lone rarely notice it. School used to make me sick to my stomach and I still can not figure out why, I went to extreme lengths not to go to school I mean EXTREME, hurting myself extreme. I would get so sick when i went to school , upset stomach, just dizzy and out of it the entire time didn't help that girls were mean to me and I was jumped by about 10 girls for no reason, I could never really pay attention.Instead of my parents doing the right thing and taking me out They pushed and they pushed which made me even more scared, I dropped out of school in 8th grade. There was  A lot going on at home. I felt I had to take care of my mom my sisters. Even now whenever I'm even around a school I get nervous. Anyone who has ever hit me, or tried to kill me I just don't know how to get my head around it. Everyone expects me to let it go, act normal. It's just not me I can't do it. It's not NORMAL for my moms husband "to try to kill me"  my mom says he was just on meth that night? Oh that's an excuse? Not only that, after that happened my mom stayed with him. How does this make me feel, how is it supposed to make me feel. Ever since i was 3 I had gotten abused by every man that came into my moms life. I feel like everyone just hates me I must be ugly , or stupid , or annoying for people to just want to hurt me. What is wrong with me? Why did they all want to hit me? And if my mom loves me why does she stay with this man that tried to kill me and why did she let these people hurt me , why did all this have to happen? I'm her daughter. He wanted to take my life . What can traumatize a person more. My grandma said "OH IT COULD BE WORSE" REALLY? how could it be worse. . . I mean I know it could be worse but this pains me everyday.  My mom wants me and her husband to be close " just forgive him" is this possible?

I don't know what to do anymore _ i know i need therapy I'm going soon. I have gone before. But haven't found anyone that has really helped.
please help.
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13167_tn?1327197724
This was a very painful thread to read through,  including Ashelen's post.  The scars of child abuse run so deep.

You asked for help,  and said you want help,  and that you've had therapy before but that didn't help.  I'm offering this to you,  in the gentle spirit of truly wanting to offer you help and relief.  Please take this in the spirit is intended - to possibly help you.

No where in your posts (and I've read lots of them) do I see you say you want to move on,  to have an enjoyable fulfilled life and move on from remembering and experiencing the pain of your childhood,  and put your anger toward your mother in the past so that you can move on to healthier relationships.  You never say that.  

It's not accident that you don't say that,  because in fact,  you aren't emotionally ready to move on and experience joy.  At this point,  it seems you want to stay in the emotional place where you are,  and spend your emotional energies continuing to try to convince your mother and her men, and your grandmother  of the horrible damage that was done to you.  

And that's where your stuck.  If you were to work toward healing you would have to give up what seems to be your primary goal right now - to get your mother to acknowledge the horror she put you through.  

That's not going to happen.  You can get other healthy people to acknowledge your pain,  and you can get a lot of people on this forum to understand and offer you encouragement and empathy,  but you won't get it from your mom.  She's too invested - in her guilt - to acknowledge what happened to you was horrible,  and in large part her fault.

If you picture yourself at a family reunion,  making an effort to put the past in the past (NOT work toward believing they're fine and didn't hurt you,  but to work in the direction of making your life the joyful experience that you deserve,  and thus,  not focusing on getting an apology) does that image of you focusing on moving on cause you a lot of anxiety?  Does it make you think no no no I can't let this go,  I have to keep working on making them make amends to me?  

I don't know what therapy you had before,  but  a lot of therapists will sit right there with you in that place.  Will encourage you to remember all the pain,  to discuss all the feelings you had and have,  and encourage you to confront your abusers.  That doesn't help everyone,  and often leaves you stuck in even more pain because now the memories are fresh again.

This is getting long,  sorry.

Imagine this.  Imagine you bought an expensive sweater and when you got it home you saw there was a huge flaw in it.  The store must have known they were selling you this expensive unwearable sweater.  So you take it back and they refuse to refund your money and are even rude and dismissive to you.  You talk to the manager and he's rude.  You talk to legal help and they say oh sorry,  can't help you,  they are not required to refund your money.

So what do you do?  

Do you decide to throw the sweater in the garbage and never go back to that store,  and move on with your day,  or do you stand there outside the store thinking no no no I won't take this,  I will get a refund for this sweater because they've wronged me,   so you stand there thinking of another strategy to get them to do the right thing?

Do you see the analogy?  Rather than being willing to recognize that your family will never make this right,  you've held on to the sweater.  If you were to throw the sweater away,  you'd have no chance of achieving your goal - to get justice.

If any of this touches a nerve,  read Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Being willing to step out of this childhood doesn't mean they didn't hurt you.  It means you are trying to salvage what is left of your life,  and build a wonderful life.

Best wishes.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thats really sad im sorry for what you been through I dont know any good advice I can give you sorry but have you tried talking to your mom
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  I am so glad you are going to be seeing a professional very soon.  Being treated for anxiety and possibly PTSD seems essential here. You may need some medication and talk therapy.  There are good therapists out there and bad ones ----  so, don't give up if you've not had good experience so far.

Sorry you are hurting dear.  I really am.  I am disappointed in your mom's reaction to your feelings.  She frankly let you down by bringing into your life such a bad person that hurt you.  She should be empathetic to how you feel and take some responsibility in my opinion.  If you suffered death threats by your mom's drug addicted (just meth????) man--------  there is NO excuse for that.  None and she should own that she has/had a creep in her life.  She sounds troubled as well that she had him and made these excuses for him.  Sorry about the girls jumping you at school.  Did you try to prosecute?  

anyway, don't give up on help dear.  It is out there and writing off toxic people is often a good thing to do.  Your mom might not be healthy for you to be around either.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello my dear friend.

I'm so sorry about all of these traumatic incidents that hapened in your life. I had a very difficult life myself.. it all started when I was five and didn't stop until I was 24. If you want to you can add me as a friend and PM me. I would love to share my story with you.. I can tell you right now.. that it does get easier with time.. and I am here for you if you need someone to vent/talk to.

God bless
Krystal
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1540869_tn?1351217613
I'm going to get into see a therapist this week . That speacializes in DBT AND BPD. But i'm not sure that I have borderline personality disorder it may be PTSD or just anxiety about past things that have happened. Thank you for all of your opinions and help I really really needed it ! And also feels good to know that I'm not a lone even though I would never want anyone to go through anything traumatic like we all have gone through! Thank you so much!
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1540869_tn?1351217613
Yes, i have tried talking to my mom all the time. She thinks it's normal or that I just need to stop living in the past it's frustrating . Because on the night that it happened she left him,  but went back to him the next day. I just feel like how can she love me if she did that?
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1540869_tn?1351217613
I feel the same way. She just thinks that it is normal or something, because she has stayed with him. We never pressed charges or anything . He now has 2 domestic violence charges against him though because he did have a drinking problem. She says there moving on with there life and I should too. But I was only 15 when this happened and it still affects me, And it's not like that was the only incident. Sometimes I'm just so mad at her, but i love her because other then that she is a good mom. But she has REALLY REALLY hurt me.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, again, I'm sorry.  I will tell you that I see it as similar to child abuse and neglect for a mother to turn a blind eye while her partner does horrible things to her children.  That is double abuse.  

I know that we have only one mother-----  and sometimes that makes us feel like we have to accept whatever they have done or didn't do to help us when we needed them.  Your mom had a guy smoking meth that hurt her daughter!!  And you should just move on . . . .  

I think the only way for you to really move on is for her to know that it wasn't okay and she failed you.  big time.  Yep, she's resistent to that because it makes her look bad and face a part of herself she doesn't want to.  But you need healing and that includes for your mom to hear the truth,  This doesn't mean you'll punish her forever but she should  know that you don't fully trust her.  How could you after that?  Would you really let your kids stay with her (when you have them?)?  She didn't protect you-----  she can put other things in front of her most important job.  Again, you don't have to carry anger for her around----  but I'm afraid you will if you don't fully free yourself of how SHE let you down by telling her.  

good luck sweetie and I hope therapy helps.  Keep us updated
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I agree wholeheartedly with specialmom.  I was sexually abused from the age of 2 to 5 from an older family member and my family tried to cover it up. My parents were abusive and neglectful my entire life,  and my mom was the worst as she is also a raging alcoholic.  I too was attacked and bullied in school,  threatened, blackmailed,  tortured,  and as a victim of sexual abuse at such a young age,  my twisted mind told me I deserved it. I struggled with suicide,  bulimia,  self loathing... But somehow was able to overcome what happened and move on with my life.. Start a family,  love a man... Start to love myself.  But even as recently as january of last year when I was having a crisis because I was going to a family function where my abuser would be (because of my family's cover-up he was never jailed ) I turned to my mom in fear and anxiety...She told me to get over it,  to stop being so dramatic,  to not force my "silly issues" onto my children and keep them from their cousins just because I couldn't get over ancient history.  Well, something inside of me snapped.  I finally told her that however disappointed she was in me,  it was nothing compared to my disappointment in her.  I told her of the years of loneliness and anger.. Depression,  etc... And told her that I was tired of being the one to suffer because she was too weak to take responsibility for what she allowed to happen to me. Many tears were shed and I thought that would be the end of our relationship... It was horribly painful to talk about.  But... Over a year later and I've known more peace in the past 12 months than I've ever known before in my life.. AND our relationship is the best It's ever been.  The conversation helped me heal because for the first time in my life,  I wasn't the only one carrying that awful burden.  And forcing her to take some accountability also gave HER a chance to heal by opening the wound to drain the festering guilt.

So absolutely let your mom know exactly what you've gone through and that she shares responsibility for it...and hopefully with the help of therapy you can have a chance to heal.  But... You have to want to,  and you have to fight for it, hard. Best of luck to you hon.
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13167_tn?1327197724
This was a very painful thread to read through,  including Ashelen's post.  The scars of child abuse run so deep.

You asked for help,  and said you want help,  and that you've had therapy before but that didn't help.  I'm offering this to you,  in the gentle spirit of truly wanting to offer you help and relief.  Please take this in the spirit is intended - to possibly help you.

No where in your posts (and I've read lots of them) do I see you say you want to move on,  to have an enjoyable fulfilled life and move on from remembering and experiencing the pain of your childhood,  and put your anger toward your mother in the past so that you can move on to healthier relationships.  You never say that.  

It's not accident that you don't say that,  because in fact,  you aren't emotionally ready to move on and experience joy.  At this point,  it seems you want to stay in the emotional place where you are,  and spend your emotional energies continuing to try to convince your mother and her men, and your grandmother  of the horrible damage that was done to you.  

And that's where your stuck.  If you were to work toward healing you would have to give up what seems to be your primary goal right now - to get your mother to acknowledge the horror she put you through.  

That's not going to happen.  You can get other healthy people to acknowledge your pain,  and you can get a lot of people on this forum to understand and offer you encouragement and empathy,  but you won't get it from your mom.  She's too invested - in her guilt - to acknowledge what happened to you was horrible,  and in large part her fault.

If you picture yourself at a family reunion,  making an effort to put the past in the past (NOT work toward believing they're fine and didn't hurt you,  but to work in the direction of making your life the joyful experience that you deserve,  and thus,  not focusing on getting an apology) does that image of you focusing on moving on cause you a lot of anxiety?  Does it make you think no no no I can't let this go,  I have to keep working on making them make amends to me?  

I don't know what therapy you had before,  but  a lot of therapists will sit right there with you in that place.  Will encourage you to remember all the pain,  to discuss all the feelings you had and have,  and encourage you to confront your abusers.  That doesn't help everyone,  and often leaves you stuck in even more pain because now the memories are fresh again.

This is getting long,  sorry.

Imagine this.  Imagine you bought an expensive sweater and when you got it home you saw there was a huge flaw in it.  The store must have known they were selling you this expensive unwearable sweater.  So you take it back and they refuse to refund your money and are even rude and dismissive to you.  You talk to the manager and he's rude.  You talk to legal help and they say oh sorry,  can't help you,  they are not required to refund your money.

So what do you do?  

Do you decide to throw the sweater in the garbage and never go back to that store,  and move on with your day,  or do you stand there outside the store thinking no no no I won't take this,  I will get a refund for this sweater because they've wronged me,   so you stand there thinking of another strategy to get them to do the right thing?

Do you see the analogy?  Rather than being willing to recognize that your family will never make this right,  you've held on to the sweater.  If you were to throw the sweater away,  you'd have no chance of achieving your goal - to get justice.

If any of this touches a nerve,  read Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Being willing to step out of this childhood doesn't mean they didn't hurt you.  It means you are trying to salvage what is left of your life,  and build a wonderful life.

Best wishes.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
RockRose,  truer words have never been spoken about healing from childhood abuse.. You are 150% correct.

As a victim we become sooo tired of fighting our past demons and become emotionally isolated and we just want someone,  anyone, to acknowledge how much we've suffered.. To give us credit for surviving,  for someone to make restitution because we are believe that it can somehow be made up to us. Somehow someone will be able to do enough to make the hurt inconsequential.

This is NOT true!!! Nothing but time and effort on YOUR part will diminish the pain. Even if your tormentors were to fall to their knees before you,  begging forgiveness,  the scars would remain.  I do think confronting your mom is a good therapeutic step because it's the first step towards letting others bare some responsibility for what was done for you,  but it will not heal you. Only when you are tired of being a victim,  tired of letting "them" win, and are ready to realize that no one will EVER adequately acknowledge what happened,  will you be able to heal.

The saddest thing about abuse survivors is that while they are innocent and undeserving of what was done to them, the burden of healing and moving forward falls squarely and solely on their shoulders.  Even my husband who worships the ground I walk on couldn't help, because it was my battle.  Just like a medical doctor can aid a traumatic wound in healing but your body does all the work,  a therapist can aid your heart but it's ultimately up to you.

Like I said and RockRose affirmed so perfectly..you have to WANT to heal and move on, and you have to fight for it... Which you cannot do as long as you are a victim...only you know if you are ready to move on. Otherwise therapy will be a waste.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, in light of rockrose's post -----  I go back to the last paragraph of my original post------  writing off toxic people can be a good thing and your mom might not be healthy for you to be around.  

I do think that we have to at some point decide to move on-------  however, most feel a longing to be heard by their caregivers and an overwhelming urge to still stay connected to their mother.  I'll use the analogy of a dog that is beaten always going back to its owner  Human nature wants to heal relationships.  

I think our poster here must decide when she has no chance of being heard or her feelings being validated by her mother.  Perhaps she is far enough along that this will come sooner.  Sadly though, feelins shoved in become like a pot with a lid.  Eventually it blows.  So having outlets for those feelings have to happen.   Just my opinion.
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1540869_tn?1351217613
Yes i agree i need to move on . And I admit that I'm stuck in it and it's hard to think of anything else, but I realize that I can't let this control my life otherwise it will never get better. I need to figure out what to do first Therapy , then maybe letting my mom out of my life. But i love my mom very much do you guys think that i should let her go ? because maybe every time I see her i might think of all these bad things? Right now is truly hard because not only did our lease come up at our apartment be and my boyfriend had no where else to go so we are staying at my moms, and i have to see the man who abused me everyday. And it makes it 100 times harder to not think about everything that happened. I told her I didn't feel comfortable staying here, but there is nowhere else for us to go .
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1540869_tn?1351217613
I just feel like it's become normal to me even though it's not normal. Maybe at a time I didn't want help because this was how i thought I had to live. It's held me back from so many things that i've wanted to do with my life. I used to love gymnastics but there was an incident there before gym my other step dad slammed my head up against the corner of a car door so then I stopped doing gymnastics after 6 years. I know I complain a lot but it's all just so stressful to actually sit here and say THIS IS MY LIFE. it hurts.
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