he's scared im pregnant

hi ya'all

im just about 11 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend is scared of my pregnancy...i guess its to be expected since its his first child and my 2nd

my question is what can i do to help him? and...do you think he'll get over this fear before the baby comes or will it take him seeing the baby to get past his fears?

[redneckmom]

How old is your boyfriend?  How long have you been together?

[RockRose]

Where you trying to conceive together?  Or was this a total surprise to him that you are pregnant?

[mami1323]

I think it's impossible to answer that question.  No one can predict when and if he will ever overcome those fears, however, most likely he will.  Having a new baby is a very scary thing for some, even if it was planned.  It probably is scarier if it wasn't planned.  All these questions go through your head, will we have enough money, will we be good parents, what if something is wrong with the baby.  It's completely life changing.  Maybe once he starts to feel the baby move he will feel differently.  To some it's not real until then.  Good luck and I hope that he does let go of those feelings of fear and welcome this new bundle of joy into his life.  

[waitn838]

rockrose - we discussed stopping my bc and starting to TTC....we conceived much quicker than we thought...the doc said about 6-12 months and i was preg 2 months later

mami1323 - thank for the comment...this what i hear many people saying...guess it just comes in phases

teko - ok....im not old fashioned and i dont believe you have to be married to concieve (conceive) a child...my son's father made his decision and for my sons and my health i walked away...the best thing i could have done...i honestly feel insulted by your stated that its my second so evidentally it did not work out...well yea evidently it didnt work out but how many people stay togehter their entire life anymore...not many...i did the right thing and i dont care what people like you think about it...my son has a good healthy life....

im a project manager at my job and making real good money so money is not an issue...im just out there making babies to live off welfare if that's what you're referring to....

yes....we have discussed a wedding but i want to wait until he gets his drinking under control and make sure before i take that vow he is truly ready for marriage and he is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with....i dont mind raising children on my own...im a strong woman and not scared...i did it with my son for 3 years....ill do it again if i have to...it doesnt weaken me only makes me stronger

[AHP84]

Waitn, I have to respond to your last post, and I really hope I don't offend you, but I have to say this.
Please don't assume that things can be just fine and dandy for you and your children if things don't work out with the men who are their fathers. It may be fine for you; and more power to you if you're able to raise them on your own and it doesn't weaken you in any way. Honestly--good for you. I'm a single mom and I know how much strength it takes to hold it all together for your child(ren), especially when you're not depending on welfare and other government aid.
But think about your kids. Their fathers may or may not be involved in their lives, and one way or the other, that's going to affect them. I myself had to walk away from an 8 year relationship with my son's father for the same reasons you have for your previous relationship; for our emotional/mental health (and potentially physical). My ex was not a great person, yet for 8 years I tried over and over again to make it work for the well-being of having a family together. My ex and I broke up, and when he realized I was 100% serious that he was out of chances with us, he moved halfway across the country. Before he moved away in December, I let him see our son basically whenever he wanted and kept all contact open for them. I didn't get along with him, but I didn't want to stand in the way of my son's relationship with his father or hinder it in any way (the only times I ever did stand between his visitation was when he wasn't sober and/or extremely emotionally unstable). But most of the time, he could handle his paternal visitation responsibilities.
My son loves his father to bits, and yet, since he's moved away two months ago, he's contacted our son twice. That's it. And he "promised" to keep in contact by phone and postal with his son at least once a week. I'm betting money he doesn't even send the little guy a Valentine next week.
And you know how our son is taking this, even though good ol' Dad's not around anymore? He still adores his father, talks about him all the time, cries for him, randomly brings up in conversations that "Daddy moved away but he still loves me, Mommy."
My son, too, has a good healthy life. He's happy, outgoing, affectionate, smart, easily adjusts, and one of the top of his preschool class. But none of that changes the fact that he wants his Daddy to be there for him and love him, like a father should.
My point is that marriage is meant to seal this deal for not only the couple, but for their children, for emotional, financial, and physical security. Marriage is supposed to be a permanent promise, and one of the most important ones that'll ever be made in life.
So no, you don't have to be married to conceive a child. And not many people stay together their entire lives anymore and hold fast to their marriage committments. Many now are putting the cart before the horse and enjoying a relationship for themselves and having kids, but then not sticking together.
And look what this society has got as the norm now...children born out of wedlock and sometimes never knowing who their fathers are, kids growing up without fathers present in their everyday lives as a positive influence, mothers who are trying to "do it all," and quite a few of them failing, marriages happening and then divorces only a few years down the road because "it just didn't work out, so oh well, moving on," and abuse and abandonment running rampant, especially between biological mothers and their new boyfriends and the children involved.
You've got two children involved in this relationship now, and you're not even sure if he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with because he doesn't yet have his drinking under control. If you break up with him, you may not mind having to raise your kids on your own, but what about them? What do you think your son is going to have to emotionally go through when he sees a breakup between you and the man who was supposed to be his stepfather? How do you think your younger child is going to adjust to growing up in a home where his/her father isn't present every day, and neither is his/her brother's father?
I'm not trying to put you on the defensive or anything, I'm just trying to point out the truth and reality of where you are in life (and believe me, I can relate to your life, so I'm not throwing stones at glass houses here).

[AHP84]

The other thing I wanted to point out concerning the affect on children with uninvolved fathers and experience with multiple male figures in their lives, is that, especially for boys, what incentive does that give them to be a father?
They're going to grow up thinking, "The mother doesn't have to handle it all, and I *should* be involved, but really, she *can* handle it all. My mom did. So what reason do I have to stick around for my children if I can't handle it? They'd be better off without me, right?"
And for girls, growing up with uninvolved fathers and experience with multiple male figures in their lives, is going to give them the mindset, "It's normal for men not to be there for you. You want them to be, but you can't expect them to be, because that's just how men are. So I'm going to get involved with whomever I please, with little to no expectations of responsibilities being fulfilled on his part, and maybe have a child or two or more, because that's what I want. I can do everything on my own. My mom did. And even though I'd like to depend on one man and make a life and family with him, that's just a fairy-tale dream, not real life. So why bother trying?"
I just wanted to say this in response to you saying, "i dont believe you have to be married to concieve (conceive) a child." But a loving and successful marriage is SO important when raising children is involved.
Believe me, I'm ashamed of myself each day because I know what my son is going through and not understanding, all due to my selfishness and his father's. Yes, we anticipated marriage, and we were "committed" to eachother, and we wanted children together. So we had sex before marriage, and thought we were being careful. We ended up with our son. Our relationship went to hell in a handbasket (and all the years before, I wasn't entirely sure I trusted that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with). We put ourselves though legal and financial hell for visitation rights and child support. We've put our son through the confusion and frustration of not having his daddy there for him every day. His father has left him and hardly contacts him anymore.
All this because we believed there was nothing wrong with sex before marriage, because we loved each other, and *intended* for everything to be happily ever after. It sure as hell didn't turn out that way or even come close. And it's one of my life's biggest regrets.

[waitn838]

you have not insulted me in any way....i am actually thinking about things....my bf is younger than me and i honestly believe he is a bit scared of me being pregnant which is completely normal...i love him and i am there for him but i need some flexibiltiy from him too and his drinking needs to slow down

he's now going to counseling and soon to AA meetings...that is only becuz he lost his license and is being forced to do this...im praying it helps him

im so afraid of him leaving me and not being happy with me...im scared of him leaving and having 2 children alone...my son adores him and i could never puposely break them apart...honestly there is 2 ways i will leave him... 1) if he cheats 2) if he gets physical with me or my children

other than those i just need to vent and stick it out...i just honestly hope he feels the same

[jo929]

i have been around and heard the comment i am waiting for so and so to get their drinking under control i wont comment on chldren before marrying but it can make one run faster but seriously i have worked medical feilds 40 years and he could be or well on his way to becoming an alcoholic so please if you can get him into the AA i have seen people drink untill the liver is almost gone then they are gone i have seen people have health problems at a young age because of alcohol also i am at the age where i have seen many marriages work until death do us part i guess i am ole fashined a child needs 2 parents  sorry if you get offended hope things work out for you. and your boyfriend .it is so hard to raise a child with one parent be glad there are a lot of us ole fashined people around we are not all bad and usually the first to help one when they fall    luck  jo

[AHP84]

You're definitely a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders, I think! I know what it's like to be a part of a family or a relationship when substance abuse, namely alcoholism, is involved. It tears everything apart and makes things so stressful and painful for everyone involved, and it takes so much strength and faith to pull through.

I'm glad to hear that at least he's going to counselling with you. Keep praying--prayer really does help any situation when it's sincere and from the heart. But also be sure to still keep your guard up, because as I've pointed out before, alcoholics can become unpredictable very quickly. And yours and your children's safety and emotional well-being have to come first and foremost.
Try not to live in fear. Live with caution and self-respect, but not fear. If the only way to give your bf a wake-up call without ending your relationship is a separation, then do that. And if you're afraid he'll leave you for whatever reason, then he doesn't deserve you or a family with you. And you know you can handle being a single parent--you just want to hope it doesn't ever resort to that.
However, I'm sure your bf feels the same as you to stick it out, as you said. I'm betting his fear is more of a self-realization that he has an alcohol problem, and how much of a burden and a danger that is to his family. Yet since it's an addiction, he can't just up and quit--it's going to take time, committment, motivation, and strength for which only he's responsible. That's enough to make anyone scared in itself, and he's got a whole family thrown into the mix! I honestly feel sorry for him, and I pray that he gets better as soon as possible.
Just always keep in mind, safety and well-being comes first for you and your children, and live with caution and self-respect, trusting God to provide everything else you and your family will need. Believe me, He'll look after you and make sure you'll be taken care of if you put your faith and trust in Him.

[waitn838]

wow....i get some of the greatest feedback here

i feel so much better after reading the posts then talking to my friends....my friends all want me to leave hiim but im in love with him and after doing some research i think its the fact that im so in love with and watching him destroy his life with booz is just not healthy for me....too bad im reacting the wrong way and getting angry at him for this

my thoughts are this...im going to try reverse psycology....im going to act like i dont care...my thoughts are he's trying to get attention and regardless what type of feedback i give him its attention....i did this with my 2 year old and it worked and since he's acting childish im going to try it with him

he will be attending AA meetings but i feel like he's got somebody to impress or something...he doesnt seem to be taking it seriously but he's only been to one counseling session...hopefully as he goes through his feelings will change....i need to wipe my hands and not give him attention and see if that works

any feedback?  do you think this could work? have any of tried this? i dont want to leave him...i want to be a family and i know he's a great guy but his drinking is driving me crazy...not him...i have so much to think about and i want him to be around to enjoy his child...i just dont know what more i can do so im just not going to do anything anymore

[AHP84]

The best thing you can do is let him know you love him, want to have a family with him, but he has to choose between you guys and the alcohol.
If he's not taking the AA or counseling seriously, hopefully he will begin to do so after a few more sessions. However, don't put too much hope in that, because the bottom line is he'll only change his ways when their is no other choice. Basically, he's going to have to come to a point in his life where he personally feels like he's hit rock-bottom, and the only way out is to start climbing up, which is going to be the hardest thing for him to do. But you and your children will be waiting for him at the top, encouraging him to keep climbing, metaphorically speaking.
Either he will start caring enough to "pick himself up" and genuinely seek the help he needs, or he'll wallow in his misery and not do a thing to change.
You're idea of reverse psychology is a little shakey (shaky), in my opinion. You can't remain in a relationship and act like you don't care what he does or doesn't do. He's an adult, not a child, even though you feel like you may have to treat him like one because that's how he's acting.
If he's seeking attention and not caring if it's negative or postive attention, then you need to focus on only giving the positive attention and completely withdrawing negative attention.
I can see this happening in one of two ways in order to get through to him.

1) Remain in the relationship and living arrangements with him (with great caution), continue counseling, and make note of his progress whenever he shows it. Let him know how much you appreciate his efforts.

2) Separate from him (don't break up with/leave him), make new living arrangements away from him, and tell him that when he's been sober for X months and can continue to stay sober, you'll get back together. Let him know he can still be part of the pregnancy and visit with the family, but *stand your ground* and stay separated from him until he's stayed sober for the given time and can remain sober from then on. The separation includes living arrangements and not having an intimate relationship. But as for coming to OB/GYN appointments and being there for the birth, seeing his stepson (if he's interested in that), and keeping in touch with you to see how you're doing and to let you know how he's doing, keep the relationship going on that level.

Personally, I think option #2 is the direction you're headed anyway. This is not a bad thing on your part. There's only so much you can do for him along with handling the responsibilities of two children. He needs to, at some point, reach is rock-bottom in order to really see how important it is for him to get his life on track. Either he will or he won't, and that's up to him and not you. All you can do is let him know you love him and you'll be there for him when he cares enough to change.

[dialsoap]

I keep reading about children growing up without fathers and how it is bad and I really feel this isn't true. I grew up with a single mother who wasn't as strong as waitn838 seems to be and did not have the means to support me. Even with all the men in and out of the house my mother raised me to understand things aren't perfect. I had a steady male figure (my granddaddy who was related by marriage only) and he made all the difference. I have a brother who grew up the same way and he's no different from me he respects women and wants fatherhood more than anything because of the way our mother raised us. We want better for ourself and our childern. Just because waitn838 isn't old fashion and staying with a man for the sake of the kids doesn't mean her son will grow up to be the same as his father. All I can say is a father isn't needed just a loving mother and a steady loving male figure even if it is just a family friend or an uncle.

[AHP84]

A mother isn't "needed" either. Anyone who is willing and has the can take care of a child.
Children grow up without mothers all the time as well, you just don't hear about it as much. There are mothers out there who lose custody of their children to the fathers, and mothers who abandon their kids with the fathers. Do you think those children are worse off than those without fathers in their lives? Do you think those children don't think about, care about, and still love their mothers in many cases?
It's great that you and your brother turned out fine, but what if you didn't have that steady loving male figure, your granddaddy, in your lives? He was your father figure, or at least the example you needed of a man who's respectable.
So no, a father may not be needed, or a mother for that matter, but those positions are required to be filled in a child's life, and you can't deny that. And even if those positions are filled by someone other than the biological parent(s), you can't deny that any human being, especially children, will at some point wonder where they came from, and if their parents still think about them, love them, or care about them if they are not present in a child's life. At some point, those thoughts cross any child's mind if the biological parent is not present in their daily life.

[AHP84]

Oops, I meant to put "Anyone who is willing and has the means can take care of a child."