Relationships Community
how can I stop hurting my husband
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
Blank Blank

how can I stop hurting my husband

I need help. My husband is a really good father, provider, good man in general. But he used to have a really bad drinking problem, he stopped drinking about a year ago. After an incident in which he came back the next morning, insulting me and treated me really bad. He did not care about our children, he would just go on his drinking sprees.  After this particular incident I had to call the police, and I asked him to move out of the house. He did. But then I had surgey and he was there to help me with everything. So, he asked me to take him back. And I did for the kids. I told him that another incident like that was not going to be tolerated. He really stopped drinking after that. He became a wonderful man. But I can't love him anymore. I have never been able to forgive him,and I think that is why I stopped loving him. Everything he does or does not it bothers me. I hate everything about him.
But I see that he is a good man and I don't want to hurt him. I have never been unfaithful. I told him I did not love him anymore. He is devastated. I am too.  I have taken the first step and gotten an appointenment with a Psycologist to help me learn how to forgive.  My husbands thinks that once I do that I would love him again. But I don't.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I love my children very much and want the best for them. But this pain in making me physically sick now and I think something has to happen.
I wish I could take my husband's pain away, it hurts me that he is suffering so much.
thank you again.
Related Discussions
  • Opinions please (50 replies):
    I am still in the same house as my abuser. But do i hate...[more]
  • How do I.. (4 replies):
    How do i show my spouse that i do love him..How do i pro...[more]
  • stresss (6 replies):
    i know what i did is wrong i was young and it was a mist...[more]
  • Cheaters (21 replies):
    How would you or did you respond to infidelity?
  • How do you forgive? (39 replies):
    So if a boyfriend cheated an a lot of hurt happened, and...[more]
10 Comments Post a Comment
I completely understand how you feel. It is extremely hard to forgive and love a man that has hurt you repeatedly. I am dealing with some of the same things with my husband and have fought for months on what to do. I don't want to hurt my kids but again I am tired of being unhappy.

I have learned though that if you aren't happy neither will be the kids. Going to counseling is a good thing to do and I wish I had the money or insurance to allow me to go. You will learn to move past all the hurt that he has caused but it isn't necessarily true that you will love him again.

Good luck and please let me know if you need to talk,
I'm so sorry for your situation and I can tell that you are a strong woman who is able to stand up for yourself and your children and I commend you for that. Alcoholism is a desease in which the person has to hit rock bottom in order to realize that he needs help. It's a difficult process and it affect the entire family.

The family must stand by him, support him and be there during this difficult transition to normalcy.

It is very difficult to be able to forgive is a gift and you have to forgive in order to be forgiven. If you are no longer in love with him then you must let him go. It will not work out and you will be miserable and make him miserable, but if you seek counceling or look deep inside your heart and work on it one step  and one day a time, it will be the beginning of progress.

The past is the past and if you live in the past, you will be paralized to move forward into the future. The future is what you make it out to be, so think very carefully of the consequences your decision will bring, but if you are no longer in love with him. Let him go.  Good luck and keep up informed on how you are doing....Judy
I can completely understand your pain on two levels: my ex-stepfather was an alcoholic and my ex-boyfriend had on again-off again drug and alcohol issues.
I have been where you were; the victim of a binge, where they come home and insult you and say everything bad they can think of to you, threaten you, and even physically hurt you (I know you never said your husband was physically abusive, but just saying...I've been there. Fortunately, it only happened to me once).
I can relate even moreso about "taking them back" because they stepped in when things got tough. My ex-step dad, after his final episode of a drunken binge while my mom was in the hospital recovering from colon cancer surgery, wanted to try to do everything right after that, which didn't sit well with me at all. It made me hate him even more than when he was drunk and nasty. When my mom was discharged from the hospital, she filed for a divorce from him. It tore him apart; he was a decent man, and generous, I will admit. He really did love his family, but he had a problem that, to this day, he refuses to acknowledge or seek help to recover. He's lost literally everything meaningful, and still, he hasn't changed his lifestyle.
It took me YEARS to forgive him. Not only was he a drunk, but he made many other mistakes over the 8 year marriage to my mom because of his drinking--one biggie being the fact that he shot and killed two of our dogs because he was too drunk to make clear judgment of them playing together. Also, he'd gone from being a true father figure to me to turning his back on me and being emotionally abusive and encouraging his daughter (my little sister) to be abusive to me as well. The night my mom was in the hospital was the night he hit me. I couldn't bring myself to forgive him for I don't know how many years--he'd inflicted so much pain and misery on me and I felt like he'd stolen part of my life away, not to mention my dogs. I felt like he'd tricked me into loving him like my own father, and then betrayed every ounce of trust and love I had for him and he thought absolutely nothing of it. I hated him for years, then the hate dissipated after awhile (maybe that's because we moved away and I haven't seen him since, except for once when he came to visit my sister). Just last year, really, is when I've realized I've truly forgiven him.
All I'm saying is, forgiveness for something like betrayal and broken trust is not something that can happen immediately. I think it's impossible, really. Especially after dealing with significant health issues or traumatic family events (like death, etc.). In a marriage, it's a million times harder if your children are involved. That I know from going through issues similar to those with my ex-stepfather with my ex-boyfriend. Although we were never married, we had a son together, and eight years of a relationship together, so when we split, courts were involved for not just for our child, but property issues and domestic violence issues as well. It took me about a year and a half to forgive my ex for the things he did to me and our son, but again, I think the forgiveness came more easily and quickly for me in that case because he moved away from us and now he isn't a daily part of our lives.
I'm not saying you should divorce and move away from your husband, but maybe your separation wasn't long enough to really let you come to terms with what happened, to learn a way to cope with and accept it, to forgive, and to let him back into your life. Instead, you probably feel like it was obligatory or forced upon you to take him back, which doesn't help the resentment. Perhaps you could continue the separation now that you've recovered, and meanwhile you two could do marriage counseling together. You may not want to hurt him, but what he did to you was hurtful, and it takes time to heal. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to heal. You both need to figure out if you want to put the time, however long it may be, into healing the broken trust.
is it possible to agree on a separation while you are in therepy? Could you agree on that? Sometimes a separation can save a marriage, sometimes it will clarify if you want to move on with your life.  Tell him he needs to give you this space to clear your head, and promise nothing, no guarantees.
I never dealt with the alcoholism in my relationship but I dealt with cheating on his part.  Which is a betrayal as well.  The trust is shattered and the relationship was broken.  I have struggled with the forgiveness as well.  There were many times after I took him back where I would just look at him and want to poke his eyes out.  Or I would get annoyed with every thing he said or did.  I remember it was my birthday, it had only been a month after the affair had come to light and he came home with this huge bouquet of roses and because he was late I flipped out on him.  His face I can never forget, he came over to me smiling, happy that he had done something so sweet, and I remember looking at him with such hate and just telling him that I don’t think I can be with him anymore.  His happy face turned to sadness and I felt so bad for that.  I felt so bad that I couldn’t appreciate the gesture because I was so focused on all the hurt he had caused me.  It’s been 9 months to the day, that I have tried to move forward in my relationship with him and still I don’t forgive him.  I do love him, but there are days where I don’t really like him and I wonder if I would be better off without him.  But I see the love he has for our child and the love our child has for him and so I say that it’s worth working on.  I’m slowly learning to forgive him and each day it gets easier because I see him trying.  But it’s rocky, it’s still up and down moments.  My trust for him is still not there but I’m trying and with the help of counseling it has gotten a lot better.  My point to you is, look within yourself and see if you can learn to love your husband again.  Take it one day at a time and perhaps one day you can look at him with love again.  The bitterness and resentment will fade.  But if you think that you can’t love him at all anymore, then let go and move forward as great friends for the sake of your children.  He will hurt but at least it will end at some point and he will move on, if you don’t let him go, the hurt will be daily for him and you will always be unhappy.  Good luck, I wish you all the best.
My father is a recovered alcoholic; and, my mother has stayed with him for these past 59 years! And, she absolutely hates him for all of the misery and turmoil that he inflicted on the family and within the marriage. And, these bitter feelings that she has have made her the most unhappy and unfulfilled woman that I've ever known.
I can literally see the hate seething within her... just by the way she looks at my dad.
With all due respect... I don't think that you need an appointment with a psychologist; I think that you need to make arrangements to see a divorce attorney.
I just wanted to add to what everyone else has said by saying that if you go into therapy thinking it's not going to work then it's not going to work.  You have to be positive.  Go in thinking that it will work and you stand a better chance of forgiving him.  If you can't do that and are resigned to not forgiving him then going to therapy is going to be a waste of time and money.  Also, don't stay with him for the kids sake.  They will feel the tension and see the anger and hurt and that will make it more unbearable for them to live with both of you under the same roof.  I wish you the best and good luck!
Well, if it hurts you to see him hurt then you do still care for him. But, it's unfair to both of you to be in limbo like this. Would a trial separation possibly help you sort this out? You may never find the love again, but absence may make your heart love him again as well. Have you tried that? When the love is gone it's hard to get it back, but not impossible. If he is a wonderful man now, can you think of what made you fall in love with him in the first place? Bring back some wonderful memories and try to light that fire again. If you can't, don't beat yourself up over it. He deserves to be loved and you deserve to feel love.
Thank you all, for your comments. Im still here, trying to over come this.
I think there's a chance the relationship might be salvaged, but definitely follow-through with seeing a counselor. For years, you had to cope with the chaos of living with an alcoholic. The family had to adapt to his addiction and chances are, you are a little codependent. Now the whole relationship has changed. He's changed, the family has changed and now you're facing all the poo that you had to deal with when he was drinking. You focusing on the one incident- the last time he drank- but you're angry ALL the nastiness that went along with his alcoholism. Taking care of yourself and your kids was your priority when he was drinking, but now you have time to reflect on those issues. I think you can fall back in love with him, but you guys have a lot to work through. Good luck.
Post a Comment
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
Top Relationships Answerers
Austin, TX
fort lauderdale, FL