My husband of 20 yrs. had a nervous breakdown recently, (suicidal) after I got him home from the hospital he confused to me that he had slept with another woman twice (during the past summer) and fooled around with two other women in the past 5 yrs. I had no idea, I thought we had a great marriage. We never fought, have 3 kids and no big issues. He has pledge his love to me and vows he has no idea what happened and will do what ever it takes to make this right with me. I suspected something was going on during the summer with this women and he kept saying they were only friends. He now realizes that she manipulated him into turning against me (thats what the doctors say during his therapy sessions). We have gone to a marriage conselor and really don't have any issues to discuss with him, only the affair business and we have been over that many times. My problem is that I can't get the picture of them two out of my head. I'm alone throughtout the day and that seems to be the worst time. My kids don't know what happened and I don't want them too. Should I seek medication? I don't like the way they make you feel. Does anyone have advice on how I can get that image out of my mind or is it just going to take time? I might be stupid but I still love my husband and I want our relationship to work. Of course if anything else goes on with him, (which he swears will never happen) he's out on his butt. By the way, he's a police officer and I hear (especially from the doctor's) this happens a lot. Any advice?
Until he drops the statement that he has "no idea" what happened, you still have a marriage in trouble. He needs to take responsibility for this and not say that some other woman manipulated him against his free will.
On the other hand I support women who stay in a marriage after infidelity if you realize what is wrong the the marriage (you don't seem to know) and your husband accepts responsibility for multiple affairs. Neither one of you seems at that point yet - you don't recognize that your marriage was/is on the rocks, and he thinks he ran into a master manipulator of a woman who led him astray.
First, work on that. Your marriage was vacant enough that he strayed, and was weak and at fault for straying.
He has taken full responsibility and beats himself up all the time. I find myself comforting him because he gets so upset with what he did. We have been over and over things and can not find a "real" reason for him that made him stray. Stupid little things came up, like saying things he didn't like or not agreeing with him on subjects. Our sex life was fine, so it wasn't for that.
I wish we could come up with what is wrong or was, so we could fix it. But how when neither of us can figure that out. I want our marriage to work, but it's so hard when I close my eyes and see them together. Should I confront the women. I sent an email to her husband, because when this stuff all started I mentioned something to him and he said his wife is just friendly. She told my husband that he nevers pays any attention to her and doesn't care what she does.I haven't heard a word from him or her since and she has stopped calling or looking for my husband since Oct.
Has anyone else been through this and their marriage lived on?
Thanks for your advice. We have been over the issue many sleepless nights and both of us can not come up with what happened. I have asked details, he has reluctantly told me some, but everytime I do, he gets totally out of control. He has kicked the bathroom door, and gets soo depressed that I find myself comforting him. I had to sit on him one night because he was so upset and just kept saying I can't believe what I did.(I guess this is a good thing that he cares)
I know if wasn't for the sex, that has always been great. He only had sex with the one woman over the summer. The other two it was just forplay but it might have led to sex, I don't know. The doctor put him on meds, but it made him nuts so he stopped. I tried one one night when the visions were horrible, but all they did was put me to sleep. I find myself becoming a weekend alcoholic. When he's home, everything is ok, but when he's not, like this weekend (his shift is everyother weekend on) I find the best thing for me is to drink. I know this isn't right but it helps me sleep without waking up. I guess time will make the visions go away but its so hard now. I have told one of my girlfriends and she suggested therapy for me, but due to insurance refindments I can't go until we close out the marriage counseling, and our insurance is changing April 1st so I'm gonna stuck right now. My oldest son is in college and has no idea what is going on. The other two don't know either and I want to keep it that way. My middle son would hate his father and my daughter is too young to realize anything. I just want things to be ok. Should I confront the women. I sent and email to her husband because when all this stuff started (phone calls, message, looking for my husband while he was working) he just said she is friendly and can't sleep at night, that it means nothing. I never got a reply from him. Do you think it would make me feel better? Do you think my husband and I should both see her, if said he'd do whatever I wanted to make things right? Any ideas?
It seems as though you may have a little too much time on your hands which contributes to the thoughts being overbearing. I would say depending on the age of your youngest child that you should try to get involved with some groups, maybe a book group or an exercise class? Something that will keep you occupied and help you to get your mind off of the images while doing something that you enjoy. Churches are always great because they have so many different things going on. And like teko said, things will get better with time.
It sounds like you really dont want to put this behind you you both have been to counsleing and you still want answers and a man reall cant keep comimg up with excuses i know how you feel i have been there but if you cant quit asking questions and it seems you cant it wont be long until you wont have a marriage, also if you turn to drink or meds you have not excepted his infedelity and it seems you dont want to. if you love this man forgive him and when you do if you do dont keep on with the questions let it go where it should in the past lots of woman have gone through this and it is has hurt but they have learned that if a marriage is worth savin save it you dont need counsling just a forgiving heart and lots of love it seems he hurts also let it alone also i agree with S A you need to get a job or donate some time somewhere you need to keep your mind busy and quir thinking backwords remember he chose you Lots luck jo
Well its been over a year since I last wrote. We are still having ups and downs, mostly my fault. If I run into the women he fooled around with it brings back all the hard feelings but not as bad. He always seems to know too by the way I act. He wants me to trust him and I do but I don't want to tell him that because I'm afraid of it all happening over again. I really don't think it will but I seem to have that thought in the back of my head. We seem to be fine otherwise. We are talking and I did get another job to fill in time.Nights are still tough though because he works them and I'm here with the kids and it would be really hard to get another job because they would be left alone. I believe we will be fine its just taking longer then he would want but I'm working on my feelings. Thanks again for all your advice
I'm going through a similar situation except my fiance cheated for almost 2 years and was caught, never confessed. We are in couples counseling and have really worked hard on salvaging our relationship for our son. I think it takes a lot of time. I struggle with the thoughts all of the time, constantly question the affair. I know why he went to the other woman, I just don't understand it. But as time goes on, I am able to let it go little by little. He is doing whatever it takes to win my heart back and to show me how important I am. It's been a tough road, about 7 months. But forgiving and moving forward is not an easy thing to do. Especially when the betrayal is so huge. But I do believe that relationships can survive infidelity, I do believe that it takes a special person to make it work after something so severe. Trust is really hard to get back once it's broken. I still don't have that much but I'm working on it. I guess all you can do is tell yourself that you will forgive one time and if it happens again you have to follow through with ending the relationship. But have faith that they learned from their mistakes. Keep moving forward and no matter how much you want to know the answers, sometimes, it's best just to keep it to yourself. Affairs are shameful and embarrassing and the more you bring it up, the more it will eat away at the relationship. I'm learning that every day.
Do you ever feel like you should have an affair to get back at him and let him know the pain your are going through. I feel that but know I will never do it. He was trying really hard to do the "little" things we all need to feel wanted but time has past and sometimes I feel like he doesn't think he needs to do those things anymore. It's really hard because I have to see those women's kids almost everyday at the school I work at and one of the women work where he does. I just have constant reminders. We talked about moving but my middle son is a sophmore in high school and it would kill him to leave before he graduates. I know he loves me and I love him, I guess that will get us through this.
I did think about it and still do sometimes but I know myself, I could never live with myself if I did that. Plus, it won't take away the pain I feel or make our relationship any better. In actuality it will cause more problems and if I've decided to stay and make it work, then that's what I have to do. Perhaps if we didn't have a child together, it would be easier to walk away or to sleep with someone for revenge but I have to think about my son and make decisions that I feel are best for our family. It does s u c k knowing that he has no idea of what pain I feel on a daily basis but if he does it again, he will have to live with the pain of losing his family and of seeing me with another man. But hopefully it will never come to that. Well I guess I'm lucky because the woman he messed around with is no longer around. They met at his job, he was her trainer for a little while but when he broke it off with her, she switched gyms. Plus, they both changed their numbers. But she lives like 10 blocks from us so I always wonder what it would be like to run into her. I don't know how you do that because I would probably be in jail....lol. Yes he loves you, wanted to work on the marriage with you. Love can make you move mountains.
Worst thing you could do is sleep with someone to get back at him. That is a sure way to end your marriage, you are better than that. If you believe your husband then i suggest you leave the ow be too because maybe it was a mistake for her too. It does not sound like you have moved on much, i think it is still eating away at you. I think you are maybe making excuses for your husband saying he didnt know what he was doing, of course he did. I have been through this with my fiance but in the end the damage was done & the trust had gone, after his affair i got all that BS about "well she wouldnt leave me alone, i felt sorry for her" he was genuinly sorry, cried, begged for another chance, asked me to marry him, we got engaged & for a whole year he proved to me that he only loved me, i was so happy, we worked hard on building the relationship but deep down i hurt badly, had images of them together then a year later after i thought we were finally coming through the other side then guess what! he went back to her. I do not want to put a damper on your recovery but just be careful not to put all the blame on the ow by thinking your husband played little part in it, he wont admit the truth, he will tell you what you want to hear as he will have done the same with her. He might have fell apart over what he done,. My ex had a meltdown over what he had done to me, i worried incase he would kill himself but look what happened. All i am saying is do not let your guard down. I do wish you luck with your marriage
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