how do you decide?

[sweetpea03]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. Last year, we didn't spend the holidays together, for a few different reasons. This year I would really like to be with him for all of it, though we haven't decided on how we are going to do this. His family isn't doing much for Thanksgiving, so we decided to go to my side of the family. Though when it comes to Christmas, we aren't sure. His sister, who lives in another state, is hosting Christmas for his family. They are all going out there and spending the night to have Christmas out there. My family is hosting Christmas at my uncles, which is about 15 minutes away. I have thought about going to his side of the family, but would feel really bad not going to my side after all that has happened this year. Though I also don't like taking him from his side of the family. If they had hosted Christmas here, in the same state, then we could have gone to both, but since it's not I'm not sure what to do. He is close with his family and loves seeing his niece and nephews. So do we spend the holidays separate? Do I just to his side of the family? Or does he stay and come with me to my side of the family?  

[sweetpea03]

We went to both Thanksgiving dinners, and felt super full from all the food. haha. With Christmas, I don't want to spend it separately. I love my boyfriend and his family, they are really nice and accepting. Though it would be expensive to go out to NV just for one day and I don't have the money for that. I think for this year, he is going to be staying here and spending the holidays with my side of the family. Family is very important, for both of us. I do consider my boyfriend family, so to be separated from him would make me sad. I would really miss him if he didn't stay. We talked about it last night and he said he'd stay, so we're going to plan on that. Then visit his sister's family in January when we're out of school on break and when we can get off work for a little bit.

[ciqala]

Personally, i think Christmas, is a time for family, thus my decision would be fairly easy, especially if I really wanted to be with my family, and he really wanted to be with his family. It seems simple to me - i would separate for christmas, because family is very important, and that's what Christmas is about for me. You also don't need to spend a long time celebrating, can just go for one day.

And then, as i have done in the past, i pick a day and celebrate christmas with my partner, before Christmas, we open up presents, have christmas dinner and do everything before we depart to see our folks.

Now if one of us, didn't mind not seeing family for christmas, well then of course that makes the decision easy. I once was with a guy who had no family to go back to, so he was more than glad to see the amazing family atmosphere at my parent's house on Christmas.
But if both wants to be with family, then why try and choose between, the other person may just feel guilty and horrible that you are not with your family for that christmas?

[specialmom]

I agree that if he is open to it, then stay.  And then figure out when you can go see his family.  And tell him how much you appreciate it.  If he has no problem staying with your family, problem solved.  good luck.

[teko]

Under the circumstances, I say your side wins this year. How about his side next year? Or how about going to see his side for the New year celebration? I am sure under the circumstances his family would understand and it sounds like he wants to be where you are. Or possibly spend Christmas Eve with your family and Christmas with his? That could get expensive tho.

[sweetpea03]

The reason I am really hesitant to just go to his side is because of what has happened lately. My great-grandma passed away 2 months ago and grandpa passed away last week, so I'd feel guilty just leaving my family to go see his. Most of his family lives here in Ca, but his sister moved out of state with her family. She said she'd host Christmas and they all agreed to it. He is close with his family, but so am I. Family means a lot to both of us. I would like to split it and see both families, but his side will be in Nevada for the holidays, which is a far drive to get there. I know he doesn't see his sister and her family that often, which is why I feel bad keeping him here. My boyfriend said he's open to either option, of just staying here or going to see his side, too. I just don't want him to be upset later that he missed out on Christmas with his family.

[specialmom]

Ahh.  The dilemma.  It is a tough one.   I know that splitting the holidays is probably best but it is really hard to do.  I would say that if he loves his family very much and would miss out in seeing them--------------  you should bite the bullet and go ahead and go with him to see them.  Have you asked your boyfriend what he wants to do?  Maybe he doesn't even care and would settle for a trip right after Christmas for a special visit.  But if he cares, splitting is probably best.

However,  I would say do as I say here and not as I do.  I tend to be slightly selfish about holidays.  I've spent Thanksgiving with his family before but never Christmas.  But most friends of mine and in general, splitting is a better route to take for not building any resentment in a relationship.