how long is too long

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, he has 3 girls 17,21,23.  I have 3 sons 28,32,35. This website has been very interesting from my point of view. We have been through the mill and back with his middle daughter, the massage thing, the tantrums the bitchiness towards her other sisters, whom she sees as rivals for her father, always pushing in to be next to him, on and on it goes.  We've had counselling when it was bad with the massage thingo and he was told to stop because one day he may find himself in court! Well, there are more than one way to skin a cat as they say, particularly when the father is not strong on the parenting side himself, rather sees himself as a cheque book.  He has tried I must say over the years, but then the manipulation started, where she puts him into coventry and will not speak to him for months on end, it is rather disturbing because he gets distressed, I know she knows it does. Eventually he crawls back to her with money as some sort of peace offering.  Strange isn't it, because now it is becoming a habit and I feel it will always be like that.  It has just happened again and after 8 months of not speaking, she decides to email and he sends her money, problem is the whole thing becomes unequitable, because the other children do not get this.  You know what I think, I think I should have been smart and left years ago when the massaging began, I had a knot in my stomach then, that was my intuition telling me something was wrong, and I didn't listen to it. That knot has happened periodically throughout our lives and I always have ignored it, until today when it happened again. These issues NEVER GO AWAY! I suspect with a lot of what I have read on this website is exactly the same, LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, IT IS YOUR GUIDE TO WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, sweetheart, unless he incurs some kind of penalty for being so meek towards such dominating behavior, he isn't going to change.  You might be right in thinking it will never change.  If so, I would at least talk it over with a counselor.

[Life360]

When you say massage do you mean rubing massage or messaging like a tex and such?

[Londres70]

Well....if he is falling for this "emotional blackmail" everytime in regards to this middle daughter then I think I would be exiting from the situation.  Sounds like you been through enough with him.  Not to be rude, but it doesn't sound like you are dealing with a "smart" man.  

Sounds like this situation has ALWAYS been dysfunctional and will continue to be dysfunctional.  It's unfortunate that you stayed in this for so long.

[nursegirl6572]

There's something to be said for that inner voice.  If something doesn't feel right, chances are, something isn't right.  If you suspect there was, or is something inappropriate going on between this man and his daughter (hence the massage issue), then I would run in the other direction.

From what you've said, it sounds like this middle daughter controls her father, which, with the behavior you have seen that was bothersome, there just may be something to that  ALMOST like she's got something on him, ya know?  Especially if the other girls aren't exhibiting the same controlling, demanding behavior the middle girl is.  I'm assuming the massaging behavior didn't occur with his other daughters?

His daughter is 21, she's an adult, and it sounds like she is not living in the home anymore.  His obligations to her, financially, are pretty much over, unless he chooses to pay for school, or something relating to an arrangement while she finds a job, that kind of thing.  It's not proper for him to be handing her money, in exchange for her attention.  Plus, like you said, that really isn't all that fair to the siblings.

It doesn't sounds like he is willing to change, as you have been down this road before with him.  In that case, I think you have some serious thinking to do.

Guess this situation didn't turn out so much like the "Brady Bunch", huh?  I wish you the best of luck.

[specialmom]

I agree with the above ladies.  I am a firm believer in our inner warning bells.  Yours have been ringing for a long time.  Whether something is going on or has gone on . . .  well, I don't know.  But his behavior with his daughter bothers you and he's not going to change most likely.  

so, you have to decide.  Is his now slipping her the money, answering to her like she is the queen bee, like she holds him hostage or something . . . is that worth putting up with?  Do his good traits outweigh it?  

I'm pretty practical about these things.  I tend to listen and respond to my warning bells.  good luck with whatever decision you make.  

[ploddingon]

No definitely not sex. However, when that incident occurred some years ago now, I begged him not to go to her and give her the massage, he went. I think he can't help himself emotionally with her and I don't know why.

[Londres70]

I don't think you will ever know "why."  

This "massage" situation is TOTALLY creepy.  If my husband wanted to do this to his daughter I would be so GONE.    

If you decide to stay I can guarantee this will NOT change.  

[Life360]

You mention the massage thing twice and said your inner voice was telling you somthing and also mentioned the police. i believe the something happened. Maybe not outright sex but him sitting on her back and rubing, maybe something got hard and she felt it. Im not trying to be gross here but she feels very close to him and really controls him as not to tell anyone about the instances. Children want things and when they dont get them they will use controling tools. Its very hard for children to accept not getting what they want. Before you can go further you have to find out about this. Have him take a lie dectector. If something happened its a very big deal.

[specialmom]

I think what is important is that you are at a crossroads and it may be time to move on.  He treats his adult daughter a bit like a child and that sure can be annoying.  I don't think he'll change----  nor the situation.  So, the only way to rectify it is to change things yourself by leaving.  I wish you the very best of luck.  peace

[nursegirl6572]

A LIE detector?  That's just not practical advice at all.

And, I COMPLETELY disagree that she HAS TO find out what happened.  She probably will never know.  And, encouraging her to continue to pursue this is only prolonging the demise of the relationship, which it sounds like where this is headed.  

This is an ADULT child we're talking about here, not a minor. The OP needs to either stay, and accept the past and that things with his daughter probably won't change , or leave.  It's pretty simple I think.

[ploddingon]

Hi everyone
Thanks so much for your input, it really is helpful, except of course and no offence intended but a lie dectetor test, really! I am an adult too! Other than to say I know I am not the only person with a situation like this, particularly with step daughters. I know she will be around forever and she will continue to display this sort of behaviour with her father, for me it is all about how much more investment into our future do I have to give. In the light of day one wonders if any relationship in this regard with him and her will ever change, or will it just evolve into some other type of behaviour.  We have had the massage thing, now the no speak thing......so if I stay I would imagine that this hurdle will be overcome and then something else will happen.