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husband's behaviour
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husband's behaviour

i've posted question before in anxiety forum afew months back..at that time i was facing alot of anxiety coz my husband who was abroad,admitted that he had sex with sex worker...and sake forgivness as he was so much obssessed with fears of getting HIV.now the new problem is that he is back home.he refrain from me in begining n said to me he wanted to have another test..in start i thought that he might be disturbed or shameful thats why he is behaving differently.as he was very loving to me in past.before that event..but then he started to stay out more for work..started sayng that he will sleep separate from me...as i ask too much questions always..i always say sorry to him as i never waanted to loose him...then afew days back i got the chance to open his laptop n i was once again shocked to see that he has made new accounts to contact call girls here in our own city...i live in south east asian country where prostiution is illegal..i also came to k ow that he is also watchin porn ,n live sex chats websites..i m so much shattered now all my trust is already gone..i confronted him n he said it was all for fun ..he didnt see any call girl here..but whats all that he was doiong i dont understand..he was an amazing,loving n caring husband before..how can i get help...or is there something wrong with him...i somtimes blame myself...but he was in love with me before..he admired me always..plz anybody help..im dying here
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Oh, I'm very sorry sweetie.  That is really hard to learn that your husband has cheated.  On the plus side, he sounds like he has taken full accountability for it and is wanting to stay married and be faithful to you.  Would you say that is accurate?

The problem is that you are trying to forgive him which makes you desire physical closeness even more in order to be 'normal' again.  And he has anxiety and emotional distress that is making him physically distant.  

I would encourage him to see his doctor.  Anxiety IS treatable.  Today's medications are excellent with fewer side effects than ever before.  Their benefits so often outweigh any downside when it comes to helping us stabilize ourselves and our emotions.  So, encourage him to speak to his doctor and address his anxiety.  

And where you are at, is counseling for the two of you an option?  I so recommend this.  

I would on your side, do things like just try to hold his hand, give him a hug, sit close to him.  Some basic affection to mend the distance.  If he refuses that, then you should have a heart to heart from HIS side why he is resisting.  

But have him treat that anxiety and consider a couples counselor to help you through this tough time.  good luck and peace
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3149845_tn?1386354841
I worked and lived in Pakistan for many years and did notice that the man and womens rolls are different than here in the U.S. and women are somewhat looked down on. I noticed that men there are dominate over women. this being said, maybe as philsgal93 says give him an ultimatum to get rid of the porn and cheating or leave. This type of behavior here, i dont believe many women would give him and option but would  just leave him or kick him out. What you have described is way too much.
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks alot  both of you for replying...yes he took full resposibilty for his action..cried n seek forgivness while he was abroad.he got tested here again...it was negative..from the day he came back home...im trying to be more loving to him..but i cant trust him like before..i cnt help it...im always suspicious ...n my worry now is that why he tried to contact callgirls/prostitutes now.when he is at home ,with me n our beautiful little daughter..like i red his message to a call girl in which he wrote that he can pay her good...i m so heart broken once again..i never left sleeping with him since he came back.no matter how rude he is with me somtimes..i just try to kiss him more.hug him n say i love u more often..as i really love him...as i never wanted to loose him as i said before i told him again n again that i wll stood by your side no matter what...but why is he feeling safe to go to  call girl again...
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Avatar_f_tn
you are right.but iam a well educated woman.had a good job...earning good..but left my job when he disclosed his adultery...becoz i was mentally so upset at that time...its hard for me to leave him..our daughter is so little..although i m not financially weak..but i cant live without him..i love him..whta shud i do..how can i make him talk to me on this..caoz whenever i tried he just becum silent n i burst in tears n then he say that iam oushing him away by this behaviour.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
He told you that all the cheating was just for fun, that a very bold statement and does not show much respect for you. Are more than one wife permitted in your culture for the man? i also worked in lahore and is a very traditional community.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think that if you are wanting to save your marriage it can be done.  Sometimes men use sex and porn as a way to self medicate through things like emotional issues.  Could that be going on with your husband?  I just really encourage a work up from his doctor to explore what is going on.

When a woman has a willing husband that wants to work on their marriage, I'm going to encourage them to see if they can salvage it.

Is counseling something done very often where you are at dear?
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480448_tn?1403547723
Oh my, I too am SO sorry this has happened to you,.  It would be hard enough to go through it once, let alone twice.  It's totally NORMAL that you're having trust issues with him, who wouldn't?  All of his apologies, and promises sort of become void when you find out he continued very similar behavior that broke your trust in the first place.

I have to ask...you say that he is rude to you?  What do you mean?  Is he verbally abusive to you?  Sounds like you may have more going on than just the infidelity.

Also, you say you cannot live without him....you need to work on changing that mindset.  Our spouses are meant to be partners in our lives, and a person should NEVER feel that they couldn't go on living without them.  That indicates that you may be way more emotionally dependent on him than is healthy.  That also makes me suspicious that he may be treating you poorly, or trying to control you.

I woild recommend that you BOTH seek out a professional therapist, because quite honestly, it sounds as though you BOTH may have some issues with anxiety, even depression.  Your husband's anxiety response and fear of HIV is something we commonly see on the Anxiety community here, where I am one of the community leaders.  I've also been posting on the HIV forum here since 2008, and that kind of anxiety over HIV usually requires professional intervention on some level.

A therapist is going to do more than just be someone to talk to.  Many people have an inaccurate perception of what therapy is.  It's not just lying on a couch, expressing your feelings.  A professionally trained therapist will help to mediate between the two of you in couple's therapy, and assist both of you in being able to best communicate how you're feeling, and what each person needs.  There's obviously a communication breakdown here, possibly on both ends...a therapist will help you both to learn how to communicate with each other.  With communication, a relationship is doomed to fail.

A therapist will also be able to work with you both individually, identifying if there is an anxiety issue, or some depression that needs addressed.  If that becomes the case, the therapist may recommend a psychiatric assessment, by a psychiatrist, who is qualified to assess, diagnose and treat any kind of mental or mood disorder.  The therapist may also just advise that you continue sessions to help work through these issues.  He may have enormous guilt he needs to deal with, and you have issues, maybe with self esteem, and self worth, that need addressed.  

Consulting with your local pastor can be helpful in some ways as well, as far as giving you both some extra support, but a religous leader is not a trained professional, and quite honestly, they can be kind of biased in their recommendations, especially if anything involved in the situation goes against the religion.  

A perfect example of how a therapist was a bit more beneficial to someone versus a pastor is a young woman in the "Living with an Addict" forum.  She's struggling with the fall out of having a husband who is addicted to cocaine.  He cheated on her, lied to her, pretty much destroyed her faith in him, and walked out on her and their young son...for a month, with NO communication.

She sought help from both a qualified therapist and their pastor.  She's at a point in this situation where everything is still unresolved, her husband hasn't sought help for the addiction yet...and she's still VERY angry, and not yet ready to forgive.  

After her meeting with the pastor, she felt very conflicted, mainly because he pushed that she HAS to forgive him, she just MUST.  He's doing his job...as that's what the church teaches...but for her, emotionally, she's not THERE yet, and it only left her feeling guilty.  Her therapist is familiar with the stages of grief that occur after something like infidelity (same as for a death).  She knows this woman needs time.  You cannot force or rush that process.  

Just an example of the differences.  Both are great resources, but there is just no substitution for professional help.  I encouraged that young woman to be honest with her pastor and explain that she needs emotional support at this point, and isn't ready to "forgive".

I really do sincerely think there are numerous issues here that need dealing with.  You need to work on your self esteem.  Your husband doesn't define who you are or your self worth.  YOU are working so hard to repair your marriage, while it sounds like he hasn't done much of anything.  That needs fixed.  I truly hope you are able to work it out and keep your family intact, especially for the sake of your daughter.  But just know, that after you have exhausted all of your possibilities trying to work on the marriage...if you STILL feel you cannot trust him, or you cannot move past the lies and the cheating...it's NOT at all a reflection on you if you need to walk away.  HE violated your vows, not you, hon.

I wish you the very best, I sincerely hope you are able to figure this all out.  You're in my thoughts, dear.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
I dont think there are many pastors in Pakistan
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480448_tn?1403547723
Forgiveness takes time, it cannot be rushed or forced.

Like I explained, there is a place for both professional therapy and pastoral guidance from the church.  

Very few professionals would advise that that girl I referenced try to forgive at this point, before anything has even been cleared up, discussed, etc.  She may NEVER be able to forget.  Point being, she has to go at her own pace.  It won't be very helpful if she feels an overwhelming amount of pressure to forgive now, before she's ready.  That just creates resentment.

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480448_tn?1403547723
Life...that was the other thing I was thinking, not sure what their religous background is, or what they have available, either way.  SM asked her a good question as to what is available.  

You would know this too, probably, some countries don't have the same kind of care we are lucky to have, especially when it comes to mental health, as there is often a pretty big stigma associated with seeking help for a mental health issue.  There could be some definite cultural factors that would make it hard to try to repair this, with the help of someone who knows their stuff.

The other possibility could be that they aren't actively practicing ANY religion, in which case, it's a moot point.
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480448_tn?1403547723
It depends greatly on their faith and religous beliefs whether or not a pastor or secular therapist would be "better".  Hopefully, the OP will come back and share their background so we can advise her better.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think nursegirl's advice is EXCELLENT and Her observanceof You feeling You can't live without Him is SO insightful!!  I hope You hear Her words.

I have nothing to add except that for Him to tell You that You are pushing Him away with Your tears is another wrong committed against You - that's putting blame and responsibility on You  - and that's Wrong!!  He is responsible for His own choices and His own behaviors.  HE caused Your tears - they wouldn't be there if not for what He has done/is doing.

My heart is heavy for Your pain.
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Nice post and I agree with you agreeing with nursegirl.  
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with you're husband being so cruel.
You've mention that he stays out more for work, wants to sleep separate rooms, has recently contacted call girls, thinks this is a joke and is fun, watches porn, and participates in sex chats websites.but you believe him that he is faithful, now. I think that you "sometimes blame yourself because you may be enabling him, by holding on to what was, and not what is. When you do bring this up, you end up apologizing to him. This has already cost you your career, your well being, your trust, and your pride. Please think about your daughter. There are obviously more than one train of thought as to what is expected to be acceptable. The question is, where do you stand? What do you want to teach your beautiful daughter about what is acceptable for a woman to bare? While I might have little or no respect for my own expectations, I would hopefully have respect for the expectations of a child, and protect that child from thinking that this behavior between a man and a woman was okay.  I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, I've experienced a little of what you're talking about. You've said your husband WAS an amazing caring husband, before, but is no longer. You need to look at what's happening now, not during the honeymoon stage of your relationship. You've asked, is there something wrong with him. People can suffer from sexual addiction, and in order for the behavior of an addict to change, there must be consequences. No longer can loved ones enable them. There is a loving intervention, where family members state categorically, that the behavior must change, in order for this addict to be support. They are supported in their recovery, not in their addiction. Your husband's scare with HIV, may have given him pause, but his addiction is clearly still active. Do you have what it takes to deal with this addiction? Or are you willing to allow your daughter to continue living in a misogynistic, (the sexual objectification of women) home, where the male role model is supported regardless of the detriment of all women? It is up to you. You have a career, you are capable of change.
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Is separation and divorce legal or safe in your country?
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Avatar_f_tn
i m really thankful to all of you for your support..yes i know im being more emotionally dependent...i sometimes feel i am ruined..i was not like that before..i m loosing my mind..i tried to be happy n tried to trust him again n he didnt care n did such sick thing again..which makes me think that is he mentally sick or something..separation or divorce is legal here...we are muslims.n i strongly belive in GOD n marriage..n in our religion having extra marital sex is greatest sin n it is more sinful if a married person do it...even the punishment is more strict..but things are not practiced as they are..like if a woman get divorced or separated...people will always blame woman for everything..moreover,i want to tell u ppl that i just belive so much in GOD that he will bring him back to me as my love is true..n i sincerely wants to make efforts even if i have to try hard...but not more then this..if he continues to do same to me n my daughter iwill take some step..but i want to give my marriage a chance..its my daghter's future..i want to fight hard to stay..i also want to tell you that he is a good father..hje provided us very good living,(but it does n ot mean that i wanted to stay only becoz of comforts he provide to us.i can earn equal to him...so thats not an issue)he take care of me n my daughter otherwise very well..by being rude to me i meant that hhe somtimes behave differently..try to get away from me ..which he never did before..i feel like im chasing him which brings me more agony...
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Avatar_f_tn
i dont know exactly that any marriage counselor available here or not..i wll try to get info on this..but there are very good psychologists here in our city.
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480448_tn?1403547723
A psychologist is a great place to start.

I, too think marriages are worth working on, to a point.  Seems like YOU are doing all the work.  That's not going to bring success if that's the case.  BOTH partners need to work on the issues and have to want to TRY.  Ask your husband if he would be in agreement with going to some kind of therapy, preferrably marital therapy, if you can find it.

YOU definitely need the psychologist, because you need to work on restoring your sense of self esteem and self worth.  YOU are not at fault here.  YOU shouldn't be apologizing.  You're making it easy for him, because he can put the blame on YOU because you're taking the blame.

Call one of those psychologists, explain the situation, and tell them you're interested in individual therapy for both of you (if he agrees), AND couple's therapy, if possible.  You really need that, IMO.

Please keep us updated.  Just know, after you try hard, if you feel you aren't getting anywhere, you don't have to "settle" for how he is now.  You deserve to be respected, your marriage and your vows deserve respect.  My thoughts are with you.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
With the male dominace issues in your country, your husband is not likely to change his attitude about women easily. It has been breed into the culture for thousands of years. Society needs to change. The lacksidazicle attitude of him shows this. You do mention that God is a strong influence and maybe you should have a long private talk with him about this. With my experience with Pakistan men, they can be very kind and gentle if things are put into a perspective where failing God is the issue.
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