husband's low testosterone

[CAM5212]

Hello, I' ve never used a forum before, but don't want to discuss this with anyone I know.  My husband has had a low sex drive since right after we moved in together (a few months after dating)  He was interested when we were dating, but now that we're married with 3 kids (1 his step-daughter)  he never initiates it, and turns me down most of the time (except maybe once every 1-2 wks).  He says he's always too tired. He even went to strip clubs a few times while we weren't dating (which he is not interested in anymore due to his devotion to me). So, somehow he has lost his drive.   He just got his testosterone checked, and it was 262.  He is 30 and I am 32.  He's in PA school and says that that is low for his age(normal for a 50-60 yr old) and is going back to the Dr. for further testing.  He says it's not me, but I can't help but feel very rejected. He thinks it's a medical reason or just stress (from full time school/money/kids).  I tell him that everyone is stressed, and that he would make time for it if he loved me and was attracted to me.  When he's mad from me complaining he tells me it's my attitude, but then takes it back the next day.  I only have an attitude when he rejects me.  I am not  unattractive to others.  I am craving sexual intimacy.  He says he has no desire for anyone else.  I have researched the reasons for low testosterone, but can't find enough info.   My question is:  if it's not a medical problem for low testosterone, could it be that I somehow turned him off during our marriage, and he's no longer attracted to me?  He says he is, and he's not gay, but wouldn't he want to have sex if he was attracted to me?  After I first told him I loved him, he told me he wasn't sure.  Then he told me he didn't love me and that there were no fireworks. (Although we never lacked sparks and had sex the first night we met (he was my friend's roomate). He said he needed time  I said no and broke up with him.  He came back and said he loved me and didn't mean anything he said, and was just scared.  He is very affectionate and says I love you all of the time now.  But with his lack of desire for me, I can't help but keep reverting back to what he said in the beginning.  Maybe it was true.  He says if that was true, he wouldn't be with me.  I am not self-absorbed, but we are a young attractive couple who no one would believe are having sexual issues.  Sorry about the length.  I've just never talked to anyone about it.
Thank you

[specialmom]

I do appreciate all of your valuable information.  However, this is a really old thread started years ago.  Sadly, the original poster is long gone.  But I appreciate your efforts to help.  peace

[manroot]

Gee, I've dealt with Low T, my entire life (was born with a condition that gave me nil, nada, nothing.) Anyways, your husbands & boyfriends should not be embarrassed to talk about this. It's not anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. All it has to do with is a number & that number can be increased so EASILY by visiting with a specialist = an ENDOCRINOLOGIST (these doctors specialize in hormone replacement therapies.)

Personally, I like the gel the best. It maintains equilibrium. The shots not so much-- because you get this big dose, then it wears off (diminishing returns.) The gel is easy to use. Simple.

The problem has nothing to do with how "attractive one is" or whether your significant other "wants you" (technically they just don't desire sex, I'm sure they are very thoughtful fellas, it's just the sexual side of things are what is lacking -- ie: inability to maintain an erection etc. <- the big T fixes all that too and then some.) This lack of hormone is what clouds their thought processes (literally.) They're probably suffering lack of energy, mood swings/grumpiness & mainly depression = lack of motivation to do something about it. They all feed into each other. Sort of an unending torture cycle. The solution is so easy.

It's probably (lack of knowledge) HRT will help everything... concentration, muscle mass, libido, energy. Maybe you could scare them into taking it.. when you have low T, you get to look forward to having osteoporosis later in life... it would be a great way to convince a younger fellow to start taking it earlier than putting it off for later, because they'd wouldn't want to be looking forward to having fractures later in life... there are health consequences with having a low T level...

Solution is simple, just a matter of communication.

[Lollie_2015]

Yes I am dealing with the same problem with my boyfriend. He has low testosterone and I knew it from the very moment we were intimate. Different supplements do work for him but I feel the only way to have a normal relationship is for him to get on a regular regimen from the doctor. He got a testosterone shot which worked for only one night. He says he is gonna try and get this problem fixed. I really hope so cause I cannot live like this much longer. This has made me into a crazy person. I feel so lonely all the time and crave the attention that I know I deserve. I really love him but It makes me feel like I'm wasting my life away.

[Lonely_girl]

Hi Sara! I was so happy to read your post. It has been 4 years since my husband and I have had sex, and before that it was another 4 years!  I just voiced this to my girlfriends who were appalled and I felt so much better!! It is good to get the weight off of yourself and ask for some love!! They were so supportive of me and told me that I wasn't selfish or crazy, etc for wanting him to love me in every way. In fact they both kinda wanted to slap him for not doing anything about it, which made me feel a little better.

I am contacting a urologist today and doing something about this! If he can't fix it, I'm out! This is ridiculous and it is about so much more than sex. He is selfish for not wanting to make our relationship intimate, and I don't just mean sexually!

[SaraJJ11]

I'm in the same situation I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have no children I'm 23 years old and the doctors found that his testosterone is down and they prescribed him medication but he refuses to take it and it's been about 3 years that we haven't had sex but we are good everywhere else… I wonder if maybe a sexologist will help i bring it up to him but he just laughs it off, This is the first time I'm ever mentioning to anyone outside my marriage and I just feel lost like I don't know what to do, when we speak about it he constanly changes the subject.

[Abiv83]

I've been going through the same thing with the love of my life. I've never cared about sex until I met him. Low T so he doesn't care about it.  I can't talk to anyone, I've thought of everything. Even that maybe he's gay. He doesn't even care to take the testosterone. He says it's a waste if time and he doesn't care to have sex. What I don't understand is that he masturbates. Why would he prefer that? He's never performed oral sex, never will finish inside, and I am lost. I could go with out it the rest of my life If I'd never met him. Since I did, I crave that intimacy and have no idea what to do! I've just found a few counselor a and I'm wondering if they can help. We are great in so many other ways, no kids, similar interests. But this sex thing is about to ruin us and I hate it, I cry daily and I haven't cried over a guy since I was 16.

[nicky2shoes]

you need to be honest with your husband tell him exactly how you feel,only then will he see how important it is to you and to your marriage. dont scream it inside, tell him! be completely honest.  men will ignore big problems rather than confront them.
the gels are rubbish by the way injections work better but some men will still need an estrogen blocker because taking T can raise estrogen levels to. There needs to be a ratio of testosterone to estrogen for men to get the full benefits. if estrogen levels are to high it doesnt matter how high there T levels go they wont get the benefits. its not such an easy thing to fix having low testosterone, so you need to be patient. its trial and error and having a good doctor.
your husband doesnt need to go in a few times a week either, there are different types of injections used. some once a week some every two or 3 weeks. if your in europe there is one there that you have once every 3 months called nebido. by the way the women that are saying that a level of 200 odd is that off a 60yr old is completely false. the average level for a 85 to 100 yr old is 350 a 60 yr old should still be around 500 so guys who are young with low levels in the 200's must feel awful remember that.

[specialmom]

Gosh, I'd sure like to see that article if you could include that in these thoughts sedwar.  

[sedwar3357]

There was a study done which shows men experience a sharp drop in testosterone immediately when they are married, and their testosterone drops again when they have their first child. Interestingly, men who cheat on their wives maintain their original testosterone levels throughout.

No one knows why this happens. There is some speculation that since testosterone can cause men to be more aggressive, that this might be an evolutionary adaptation to help in raising children. But no one knows for sure.

[Rejected7777]

Thank you so much for posting this.  I am very attractive, worn put and co sider my self a good human being. I had to force my husband to go to the doctor and his T levels were very low so he started the gel. Fast forward 4 months and nothing has changed.  Once again, I am the one that brings this up and suggests that he should go back to the doctor. If he truly cared, why do I have to suggest this to a grown man???  I did read about people's success with the injections and mentioned this to my husband.  He immediately told me that this was not an option as he could never get off his job to go in several times a week.  I am screaming inside saying, you can Not afford to Not have this done. Worn it out. This is a medical condition and he just seems not to care saying that he will keep taking the gel which apparently is NOT working.  I am sick and tire of being sick and tired. I am asking myself, "is this what I signed up for". It it was me, I would not stop until the issue was correct.  Listen, my husband is a good, kind man and I love him. But this is just not working and I can't see going another year or few months like this. This is so painful. I feel unwanted, sad and just over it.  Why should I try and keep brining up the subject, if he clearly thinks its no big deal. I mean, he peps up when he's playing fantasy football. I can count the number of times on my hand that I've had sex in the last two years o. One hand.  I am just tired. Life is too short to deal with this ****!

[ILMB5555]

One other thing to seriously consider and remember low t can be connected to prostate cancer and heart disease. So make sure those are checked as well as his testosterone levels. Very important it affects so much of a mans health. I wish you all the luck and health.

[ILMB5555]

I have been going through this with my husband. You have to trust what your husband is telling you. My husband had open heart surgery and his levels dropped drastically. He told me he was also tired stressed etc which was true due to low T. He also said he would think of me in provocative ways and nothing would happen which was very upsetting to him. He was embarrassed to tell me that at first. Once he went to doctors and started treatment not only did his libido return but his energy and mood seemed to stabilize. Now when he thinks of me he can perform. He also feels much closer to me because I was supportive and put my issues of hurt aside to help him. Now not only has out sex life improved but so as the normal intimacy. Hang in there font put this on yourself as something wrong with you and help and support him in getting treatment, treatment will change both your lives for the better. Good luck

[Crossroads1]

I'm going thru this exact thing right now..... I'm suffering from empty nest syndrome my daughter just left for college.... Everyone told me things would get so much better..... But the case is its gotten worse... My husband only wants to be intimate every 4 to 6 weeks.... I feel rejected I've done everything that I know to do..... I feel that if its not me then he would of got help.... I too feel that it's a chore for him an he gives in when he's tired of me asking for it. I just want the closeness am I wrong? What should or could I do to make this all better? Please help with advise

[specialmom]

Hi there.  You've tacked your post onto an older post.  You'll get more responses if you start your own thread and can do so by going to the top and hitting "ask a question".  

But, I will be honest.  Dating is for a purpose.  We are supposed to judge the person we are with and the relationship to see if it should go to the next level.  Incompatibilities should be considered and being sexually incompatible is a biggie.  NOT every relationship that we are in are we supposed to stay in.  Use dating for the purpose it is intended for---  to find the right person.  And when we are with someone that we have a grave concern with, we work on the issue.  But if it doesn't get resolved, we move on.

So, consider that this relationship isn't meant to be.  good luck

[craving]

My boyfriend has always had a problem with having sex, and we have been together for a yr and a half. We have sex twice a month, and when we do have sex i get the impression that he wants it over as soon as possible, and very rough. He never has done oral, or touches me properly, it is just intercourse then it is over, and his errection goes as soon as he has finished. I have mentioned his lack of interest in sex to him , and he gets grumpy, then advises that he will see a doctor for a testosterone test (which he has never done). I have all sort of feelings about our sex life, one is that i feel that he doesn't like me as much as he says he does. Another thing he goes on porn sites, so he must have some interst some where. Do not know what to do, i crave for him to have sex with me properly, as i love him so very much. But i feel if this goes on much further i will have to leave him, as i give up trying to discuss this with him, and not getting much response.

[mori88]

I've been in a relationship with my guy for just under 3 years we are both in our twenties. He always had a high sex drive but occasionally couldn't always keep it up or sometimes just orgasm. We never thought anything of it then the last year, he lost his job he got very depressed and started having horrible mood swings and we broke up for a few months on his terms. During this time we still met up and normally would end up having sex. We got back together eventually and then the sex slowly stopped at first I found it was only me initiating it, then it changed to even when I did he still turned me down. We argued about it a lot as I felt hurt by it but he still insisted he loved me and found me attractive he just didn't want it. This went on for a couple of months, I eventually persuaded him to visit his doc, he did and was diagnosed with having low testosterone. The whole situation has taken a massive toll on our relationship even though i know now its not his fault and that he does still find me attractive. we are still waiting for him to be able to start treatment but in the mean time i find that his mood swings are worse then ever and he goes from telling me I'm his world to he doesn't know how he feels in the space of an hour. Has anyone else had this issue?

[RWeThereYet]

I too experience the same with my husband. I realized that he was having a very difficult time within himself therefore it was hard for him to explain what his body is going through.  I love my handsome and decided to be patience, read more about low testosterone, meet with his doctor (with him) and be more supportive.  
I am thankful that I am not going through menopause while he is experiencing this chapter in his life. As wives etc. we must educate ourselves about the changes that our spouses will go through or going through and be more sensitive to their feelings. It took three years before I realized that his body goes through changes that affect his entire being.
.

[LowTWife]

My husband is being treated for low testosterone. I'm finding it very difficult to deal with him not being "turned on" by me. He says he feels turned on but just doesn't have the drive behind it. Erections are not the problem at all, usually it's quite the opposite once we get started. It's just getting him started that's the problem.

I don't mean to get personal but what worked for you and your wife in the beginning until the medicine completely kicked in?

[rayslady318]

I am glad to have read these comments, because I myself just don't know where to turn MY frustrations anymore. My situation started right after my separation from my ex-husband (who was so wrapped up in his drug abuse, he totally lost sight of me as a person, much less a sexual being) . About  4 months into my newfounded singleness, I "met" a man facebook who was a friend of my sister, and we connected emotionally really great, despite the 1000 mile distance between us at the time. Our friendship quickly bloomed into something more, and I was thrilled to death when he told me he really wanted to move to where I was, and see if this could be real. The main problem for him at this time was that, due to the economy, he was unemployed; however, he found a drug study testing a new diabetic drug to earn the cash to make it here, and it had some unexpected side affects. It drained what little "T" he already had from his Type II Diabetes, and left him completely in the same situation everyone on this board is describing. Of course, even though I knew I was starting a new sexual relationship already with a "handicap', so to speak, I loved him for who he was, and I was willing to work with it, as was he. And for the first year, we had an interesting, if not typical sexual relationship (creativity made up for what he could and couldn't do). After all, it was about sensuality, not fulfillment. But now.... I don't know if it's getting worse, or if the bonds of our relationship have weaken, but it just seems like he doesn't even want to try anymore. We have an intimate moment between us maybe once every 6 weeks or so.... and even the little acts of affection is slipping...the petting, the kissing, the holding each other in bed....heck, I just about spend every night sleeping alone now, and he is up all night writing (his passion), which he tells me helps deal with his stress. It's hard, because I have noticed my efforts to arouse him are getting worse (and I know he cares, but as a woman, it DOES play into your mind, does he just not get turned on by me anymore?), and our love is turning into a solely bosom buddy package now. It's hard....because you don't know if it's an emotional disconnect, or if it;s just still the medical condition. And in my case, I came from an emotional disconnect into THIS relationship, meeting this wonderful man who cared about me as a person.....but  a huge fear of mine is wondering if I am just going back into that again...or even worse, if my own insecurities may be driving my love into destruction myself. I just wish  had someone I could sit down with, and just ask.....is this normal, and what do I do? Do I give up (he doesn't seem too enthused about seeking treatment, which I highly suspect is mostly financially driven, with a touch of fear of hearing his problem is completely shot ), or do I continue to live in a basically what is now a platonic relationship? At 38 years of age, these are very hard decisions to contemplate.... anyway....thanks everyone, for letting me vent on this board, I needed it.        

[MsDarlene]

Dear sis, I am a fine 48 year young female who made the terrible mistake of marrying a man with the same issues...worst decision that my naive thinking has ever made.  I fell into the trap of thinking that I was the problem because I expressed my frustration regarding lack of intimacy. He doesn't touch me kiss me hug me...totally self centered.  When I stopped initiating, we stopped having sex. I simply wished I had known that my husband was not going to handle his bedroom business.  It makes it very difficult when my sex drive is through the #%&* roof. Men come on to me all of the time...even just inviting me to lunch but I can't because I always have to honor the vows.  I finally did the forbidden, after 8 years of neglect & abuse and as a result, discovered that I am not the problem. I suspect you are not either.  That whole situation can rob you of your joy, self-esteem and desire to go on.  
Now, I'm sorry about my husbands luck. If he can get an erection at the Dixie Lounge then he should be able to get one at home with his hot wife. It took me 8 yrs to get that! It's his RESPONSIBILITY...not my FAULT.
So, chin up sis, chest out! Get your sexy on! No playing victim! Feel good about yourself, gain confidence no matter what. LIVE LARGE!!!

[Concernfish123]

I have the same thing and it's so hard and quite frankly painful.  Not sure how you go through life without intimacy. Quite frankly it's very depressing. I am a beautiful woman but I find my self not even caring about my appearance.

[mdbaby79]

Why don't you try some yoga postures to help with that. Its well known that some of the postures  such as the bow ( as in I bow to you ) and not the bow as in bow and arrow , the seated head to knee pose affect the male testes to stimulate the production of the male hormone. All the other poses affect all the internal glands and organs aswell for better performance in all areas of life. I can recommend highly two yoga books:

The Art and Science of Raja Yoga - S Kriyananda
The New Book of Yoga - Sivananda Centre

Good Luck
MDBABY

[ncwife]

My husband and I went to school together and 28 yrs later we connected , he always talked sexually we have had phone sex and constantly made sexual remarks on the phone or through msgng, he does have a low testosterone level which you would not know btw he talked , however once we got together and the man I fell inlove with he's not there he does do ttestatosterone gel and there seems to be no difference , he hardly initiates , and always says his junk dont work , whenI can tell you when we kiss deeply there is fire and his junk does eork we just got married 4 months ago and didnt even make live on our wedding night , and all the sexual things he said and led me to believe its just my story and attitude is no different from any other women, you dont feel connected or like he is into you and if when you kiss and things work why is it me that has to make advances all he has to do is kiss me deeply and bang but sometimes when I do I feel pushed away and believe me it hurts me more than anything to feel rejected and if his perscription isnt working why will he not tell the dr ? And what about taking something natural? To bost his labido? How do I know what will work? Sexually frustrated

[skweelz1]

My boyfriend and I have been dating over 3 years, living together over 2.  of course the sex in the beginning was regular (1-3 times a week) but I noticed I had to be the initiator.  He was always upfront about using Androgel and having low testosterone.  3 years later I can't help but feel rejected and have low self-esteem issues because of the lack of intimacy we share.  Now we go months without having sex and if we do, I must initiate it...and sometimes when I do he rejects me so that makes it even harder to try sometimes.  I know he loves me but sex is very important to me and I'm very frustrated.  He goes to the Doctor regularly and was getting shots but they didn't seem to help.  Now he is off the testosterone all together and trying some supplements from 4 hour body.  We've had sex once in 5 months and I just don't know what to do anymore.  He knows how it affects me but still never even trys.  I wish there was an easy solution to the problem.