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638579 tn?1233014464

i can forgive but i can't forget

my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters. we used to live in Colorado and we now live in VA. when we lived in colorado a few months back I found out he was cheating on me while I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter and that he had cheated on me the year before that when I was pregnant with our 1st daughter.
we are together we decieded to work things out. living in Va he has become the same sweet man I fell in love with, but I can't help but think about how he hurt me, sometimes.  why do some men cheat when their partners are pregnant? was he scared? how can I overcome my trust issues with him now?  How can I learn to forgive and not bring up his cheating when I have trust issues?
has anyone whose been through something like this, can give me some advice?
23 Responses
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145992 tn?1341345074
Thank you ania and anxious girl.  Mayflowers has apologized to me here and in private.  I hope you're not right about him mayflowers.  Yes, he did break up with me in the beginning.  We had been dating for 6 months, he lived in Puerto Rico for three of those months and had not made a full blown commitment to me.  He hadn't even asked me to be his girlfriend.  I just wanted to be with him.  The girl he broke up with me for was there before me and he was confused.  But deep down he knew it wasn't right.  He had known her for years before meeting me so he probably thought that she had changed and was ready to be with him but was conflicted by his feelings for me.  He had been faithful to me for 4 years before my pregnancy, that's when everything went to sh!t but you are right, he lacks the family values, and that's what we are trying to work on in therapy.  He lacks values, maturity and is slowly trying to learn how to be a really good man.  He does have some where else to go.  He can live with his cousin or he could've left to be with the other woman.  She has her own place and was willing to be with him.  He just doesn't want to be any where but with me and his son.  I don't know if he can be faithful, no one knows if their men can be but I need to take that chance for the sake of my son and for my heart.  If he does do it again, he will get caught again and that will be it.  I don't feel it would be wasted time because it was the time I tried to give it my all because of my family.  At least I will know that I did that and my son will know his mom tried hard to keep our family together.  

I just wanted to clarify things but I do accept your apology mayflowers, I know you meant well.
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638579 tn?1233014464
I was just stating a fact you may not have been aware of. Thanks for your apology, much appreciated.
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Avatar universal
I apologized to you ania_2, what more do you want?  
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638579 tn?1233014464
to mamii and anxious girl:  thank you for your support, yal are both right, I wanna work it out for my kids and for my heart because even though hes not a perfect guy, I love him so very very much, hes good to my children and he takes care of me.
to mayflower:
I agree with anxious girl. Your opinions are blunt and cold.
Now a days, its not unusual to have a child/ children first then, get married.
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Avatar universal
You're right, maybe I am projecting my pain of coming from a dysfunctional home onto Mami and Ania.  I should stay away from such post b/c  I can't be objective.  

Mami & Anai - I'm sorry and hope things work out for you two.  
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404138 tn?1308941656
People need advice and support, others are lost and confused and need to hear others perspectives etc. if your tired of people staying in bad relationships and then complaining about it so much then dont read the posts.
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404138 tn?1308941656
Just because its happen to your parents it doesnt mean it's going to happen to Mami. Did your parents work through it and try counseling? And just because your older does not mean that a man cannot change, im sorry but I disagree with you completely. Only Mami knows her man well enough to say he has character to be a faithful guy, you dont know him. I think its great that they are working at their marriage. & Ania Im glad to hear you guys are doing better. **Best Wishes!**
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Avatar universal
I am curious as to why you two would have children with men and not be married first?  What you really are is two single people with a child.  You are not married and have not made a public or legal commitment.  You are not legally bound to each other.  

Now Mami, I know your story more than Ania's but I can tell you right now that your guy will cheat again.  It may be 6 months or 1 yr down the road, but it will happen.  He doesn't have character to be a faithful guy.  If I remember correctly, he once broke up with you when you first started going out to date someone else.  So in essence, this is the 2nd time he has cheated on you.  I also think he has no where else to go so that's why he is trying to make you believe that he will be faithful.   He has no right at all to talk about other people such as your friend, running around with guys and sleeping with them. Maybe he's mad b/c she turned him down.  But he is not a stand up guy in my opinion.

I am older than you two and I know where your relationships are going.  I've seen it with other people (my own parents) and it's not good.  So, keep wasting money on couples therapy and trying to convince yourself that "this is the right guy".  Some day you will look back and see it was all wasted time.



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145992 tn?1341345074
I agree with ania, I think people can change and by saying once a cheater always a cheater is a very general statement.  Sometimes people when faced with the consequences realize what they had and don't take that chance again.  Sometimes the act is a wake up call to the problems in the relationship that stemmed back before the cheating even began.  Relationships are work and if both but forth the effort to better it after the fact then so be it.  I guess I'm biased here since I have been cheated on and have decided to work at reconciliation for the sake of my family.  The same thing ania is doing.  
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638579 tn?1233014464
to mami:
i found out from a close friend. he was telling him how much he really loves me. are relationship just gets better and better. I hope that things are going well with you as well:).
to joe:
we haven't gotten married because I haven't wanted to and for financial reasons. WE are NOT single we are in a committed relationship with each other. I am his partner, his girlfriend, his childrens mother, his lover, his friend. I dont' "nag" him, we have discussions and we have moved on with our relationship. occasionally we will talk about what happened for brief periods but it doesn't bother him, people learn from their mistakes and its not wrong to remind them of what they have and how fragile life is.
to autum:
we are not rushing to get married. we are talking about marriage in 2 years. we will see how and where we are at that point in our relationship. I don't think that the saying is true that people cheat forever.I see a big change in him and in our relationship.
I think many people cheat because they are not getting something they need in their relationship but that don't mean they don't love their partner.
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397539 tn?1233258097
I dont believe the answer is marry after they cheat...because it is always said: "once a cheater, always a cheater"....    

If he loves her than he wouldnt cheat....  how can you trust anyone to marry.....if  you cannot trust them before marriage???


Autum
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Avatar universal
I have seen lots of this, you are not married, maybe he does not feel committed to you  even if you have children, if you both really love each other why are you waiting to tie the knot, remember you are both still single, and can do as you please also i would watch him, but if you nag a lot about his cheating and ask to many questions, he will get tired of it and leave, as one hates to be questioned constantly I have seen people stay together 6 years, and then all of a sudden they meet some one else, and marry within a month, I know this is sad, but it is a fact of life  luck  jo
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145992 tn?1341345074
That is great news.  How did you learn of this potential opportunity if you don't mind me asking?  I'm really happy for you.  You give me hope for my relationship.  Stay strong and hope that it works out for you and your family.
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638579 tn?1233014464
well i have good news to post. after learning some new information. my bf had the oppurtunity to cheat a couple of months back and he didn't. he wants to stay faithful to me and he doesn't want to jepordize our relationship.  He also has stopped locking his phone because it bothered me and he deleted phone numbers in his phone that i asked him to. we have been doing so great lately. and we are even talking about getting married again. I am so happy.
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638579 tn?1233014464
thanks. yeah he knows I have trust issues and he doesn't get mad at me when I question him. I think with holidays coming up soon, his true colors will come out. hes been real hands on about everything latley and even gone as far as doing special things for me and the kids. I really feel that he has changed. He loves are daughters so much I don't think he is willing to live a life with out them in it or with out me in it.
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145992 tn?1341345074
Yikes, I wouldn't find that funny at all.  Especially given what he has done.  That would make me insane.  No wonder you have trouble forgetting and letting things go.  My mind would race all the time if my fiance was playing games like that.  I would tell him not to play that way since you have enough trouble trusting him after what he did.  I'm sorry, that's really not the way to go.  At least if he is serious about gaining your trust back.  I hope it all works out though.  You sound like a real sweetheart.
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638579 tn?1233014464
yeah he assures me that everything is fine, that hes not cheating and i have nothing to worry about. so I say well why do you lock your phone then and he says that he likes to get me going. that it keeps things interesting and he enjoys me asking about it.
this could just be his humour. I still worry. I guess I will for a while. I really do love him and I want to marry him one day. I don't think hes ready for that committment yet. weve talked about getting married, I just don't see us doing that anytime soon. At least another year or two.
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145992 tn?1341345074
Watch the phone.  The only reason I say this is because that's how I caught my fiance.  The cell phone.  He would turn it off at night, delete all messages, changed his password on his phone bill.  Now I have free access to everything.  He even leaves his phone on at night.  Doesn't mean he can't delete things but when they start hiding things again, that's when you have to worry a little bit.  Just be careful.  I really do hope your bf learned his lesson and is being true to you and his kids.  I'm hopeful that people can change if they choose to.  Good luck.
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638579 tn?1233014464
yeah your right there are times when I think about her and i see her face in my mind and I just try to fade it away and think about other things. I really feel he was stressed and made bad choices when he cheated. both times were very short period as well, the first time was for a wk, and the 2nd time maybe a month before I found out, and that continued for less than 3mo. and they were more of close friends and drinking buddies than anything sexual.
He does a lot for me and our children now. and we aren't having any problems. My only real concern now is that he always locks his cell phone and he won't tell me the code and he won't let me look at it. I still try to look at it and sometimes I get the chance. he knows I'll get mad if girls send him inappropriate text msgs. and by girls its people he met at his old job, and they snd him texts and jokes and I don't like it.
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484465 tn?1532214032
it takes a time and more time.  it takes a lot of willpower on your part too.  you must force yourself not to bring it up at anytime since you've chosen to forgive him and move forward.  maybe, instead of bringing it up, you could tell him that there are times that you feel low or are upset and you begin to think about it, and you will need special attention and encouragement during those moments.  just to hear that he loves you like crazy and you're number 1 and sweet nothings like that.  he should be willing to do that for you.
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Avatar universal
From a guys perspective I really do not understand why guys cheat, especially when their wives are pregnant that is such a special time.  And personally I think women are very sexy when they are carrying my baby.  So I guess that isn't much insight.  However re-building trust is very difficult, counseling can help and if he really loves you he will want to go to regain that trust.
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397539 tn?1233258097
You are strong to stay with him... I couldnt bare to do that...  Once someone hurts you, its hard to forgive them..or forget...  you will always have trust issues...  I wish you the best on this...  usually when it has happened to me before I got with my husband... it neverr worked out...  due to the trust issue...because the love just fades away...  maybe counseling will help you both... if he really loves you and wants to fix things...he will go to counseling w/  you and work this out..   but you also have to think if he did that with your 1st and 2nd time you were prego  then if you have another...will he do it again??  I wish you all the best and be strong!

Hope this helps!
Autum
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145992 tn?1341345074
Oh sweetie, I'm right there with you.  My fiance started his affair when I was about 4 months going on 5 months pregnant.  He had never done it before but he cheated on me for a year and a half with her.  You can read about it in my journals and the different emotions I have been experiencing.  This is recent that it happened and that I found out.  We are in couples counseling now and trying to work through our issues.  I find myself going up and down in emotions from one day to the next, from one hour to the next.  I always go through his phone bill and even last night I waited until he was asleep and went through his cell phone.  It's horrible.  The trust will come back as long as they do whatever it takes to allow you to get it back.  It has to be rebuilt, they have to make the effort to get the relationship back on track.  My counselor is going to work on my anger issues, and give me the tools I need to not constantly obsess over things.  He has to do his part as well.  I'm not sure why the cheat while their partner is pregnant.  I know when I was pregnant I had no sexual desire, he felt like I didn't care about him.  Wasn't fullfilling his needs, I was unaffectionate during the pregnancy because I was physically uncomfortable.  I was hot, and didn't want to be held.  I pulled away from him.  He felt neglected, but our problems came before the pregnancy.  Unfortunately, this is when he went to someone else who I guess was giving him what I wasn't.  Instead of him communicating with me about how he was feeling he chose to find it in someone else.  It is wrong on so many levels and it tore me apart knowing that he did it when I was carrying our son.  The baby we had both longed for and wanted so badly.  That he would take a chance with his family like that.  The only thing I can recommend is counseling.  I think it's what is saving our relationship.  If it wasn't for that, we wouldn't make it.  I wish you good luck because I know exactly how much pain you are feeling.  You can pm me if you would like.
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