i messed up

I guess everyone posting here has much more significant relationships than mine but i just wanted some feedback. My boyfriend and I were together just over 5 months and he broke it off with me last night. (before we dated we were best friends for 2 years and liked each other at least a year of that time) The past 2 days I kinda fell into this funk where I felt like he settled for me because I don't find myself as attractive as the last 2 girls he liked. I told him I didn't want to be settled for and I definitely didn't want him to settle for less than he deserved. He insisted that he wanted to be with me and everything but then said "I guess you want to let go of what we had and I'll give you the time without me and you'll realize we should be together. This will be one of the biggest regrets of your life though telling me to move on." I didn't want him to break up with me I just got into one of my depressed breakdown moods. I don't know what to do and I really don't want to be without him but he's not responding to anything I send him. We go to different colleges so it's hard for me to approach him to talk in person. Anyone have any suggestions. This is my first relationship and now my first break up so I have no idea what to do.

[slow_healer]

I think you need to work on your self-image first before getting back into a relationship. This is a bad pattern - at some point you decided that this relationship wasn't going to work because you weren't attractive enough and so you sabatoged it. It didn't matter to you that your boyfriend was happy with you and/or chose to be with you. You decided for both of you that you weren't attractive enough, therefore, this relationship will not work. My first piece of advice is STOP comparing yourself to your partner's ex-girlfriends. Everyone has strengths and faults that are unique to them. It's not rated on a scale - it's unique to everyone.

This goes for men and women - low self-esteem is a huge turn-off. It sounds like your boyfriend liked you. But if no matter how much you tells you he likes you and how attractive you are, you keep saying, "well I'm still unattractive and unworthy no matter what you say," he's going to figure "fine then, this girl isn't happy no matter what I say - what's the point?" I think your boyfriend liked you, but when you threw out the "I'm so ugly you should just leave me" card, he probably got tired or trying to convince you otherwise and took the out.

If you decide that you are unattractive and unworthy, just the thought will make it true. So why don't you try doing things for yourself to change those thoughts. Join a sport or hit the gym. Start an art/craft. Do something you like until YOU believe that you ARE attractive and worthy. Don't you ever wonder how sometimes the rudest and least attractive people seem to always have a relationship? Sometimes it just takes confidence. End point - whenever you go through a breakup realize where the relationship went wrong and think about how you can improve to avoid the same mistake from happening again.

BTW if you know that you're in a depressed breakdown mood, *do* something about it. Don't just expect your friends to "understand". Turn on some music. Read. Watch TV. Just because you're feeling down doesn't mean you're stuck or helpless. Regardless of how down you are, you are still always responsible for what you *choose* to say or do. That's why if you know you're feeling depressed, you can also choose to deal with it in a healthy, constructive way until the mood lifts.

[Isabelle1963]

find yourself.  It sounds like your self esteem is very low to begin with and it's hard for your partner to adjust to that if he doesn't or hasn't been there.  Explore who you are first and learn to like things about you.  Every day you should make a list of things that are good about you and before you know it, you'll be an individual that you  will like instead of getting depressed about yourself.  Confidence is a great tool to use to get you what you want.  But low self esteem can bring anyone down especially yourself.

That's just my thoughts.

[jo929]

i agree with both of above comments there is an ole saying IF YOU DONT LIKE YOURSELF HOW DOYOU EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE TO   i know one of my daughter was always feeling like she was ugly  this wasn right this wasnt good ect i sat her down gaV\ve her a good talking to she was 14 at the time later with friends and things she had new attitude abiut her self tell your self that you are as good as anyone else and you really are you know dont chase him he will run so fast  just try to cheer your self up and think positive, also beauty is only skin deep and also beauty is in the eyes of the beholder                   lots luck         jo

[chigirl29]

I posted on the other forum but:

I think he had this on his mind for a long time since you are at different colleges.  I think your depressed mood about the relationship gave him an easy out--so he wouldn't feel bad or look bad.

Move on, but be happy about it.

You can do better.