Aa
i'm at a loss....
My dh and I have been married for 2 years. at first all was great. he was loving, helpful and just great. now...i don't know who he is anymore.
the pipe under our kitchen sink broke...he BLAMED ME!!! yes i do dishes but i don't shove things down there like he's telling me i do. that's another thing...he's always telling me i'm doing things...when i DON'T! he blames me for everything. he misplaces something, my fault. the kids do something, my fault. they do it when i'm in another room and he's with them, my fault. i put his clothes away, being nice, he flips out. if i don't let the kids stay in their cribs screaming for hours till they fall asleep I'M the bad parent! he's told me on more than one occasion i'm the worst parent there ever was.... then today...he made me feel like sh*t for eating a bowl of cereal! yes it was the last of the milk but he never not once said "hey leave me the milk i want cereal." i even asked him if he wanted anything to eat! (i was getting breakfast for the kids and since he was pouting in the living room i asked him) he said "no i'm not f**king hungry" (the swearing he does is a whole other post) he's been so mean to me and the kids that we're just miserable. he's done a LOT more but i don't want to write a 3 page post. lol
i've suggested marriage counseling, therapy, anything. his response "i don't need f**king counseling. that's a bunch of sh**" and blah blah blah.
i just don't know what to do.
the pipe under our kitchen sink broke...he BLAMED ME!!! yes i do dishes but i don't shove things down there like he's telling me i do. that's another thing...he's always telling me i'm doing things...when i DON'T! he blames me for everything. he misplaces something, my fault. the kids do something, my fault. they do it when i'm in another room and he's with them, my fault. i put his clothes away, being nice, he flips out. if i don't let the kids stay in their cribs screaming for hours till they fall asleep I'M the bad parent! he's told me on more than one occasion i'm the worst parent there ever was.... then today...he made me feel like sh*t for eating a bowl of cereal! yes it was the last of the milk but he never not once said "hey leave me the milk i want cereal." i even asked him if he wanted anything to eat! (i was getting breakfast for the kids and since he was pouting in the living room i asked him) he said "no i'm not f**king hungry" (the swearing he does is a whole other post) he's been so mean to me and the kids that we're just miserable. he's done a LOT more but i don't want to write a 3 page post. lol
i've suggested marriage counseling, therapy, anything. his response "i don't need f**king counseling. that's a bunch of sh**" and blah blah blah.
i just don't know what to do.
You sound like you are on the right track on trying to get your hubby some help...
Good luck and i really hope that things get better for you and your family.
Best wishes :)
Good luck and i really hope that things get better for you and your family.
Best wishes :)
thanks guys!
jenkaye, our hubby's do sound alike only mine has his tantrums (i'm not sure what else to call them) a few times a month. i've been trying to get him to a doc (for the ptsd and just a mental evaluation to see if maybe he can get meds for it all and see what else is wrong with him.)
jenkaye, our hubby's do sound alike only mine has his tantrums (i'm not sure what else to call them) a few times a month. i've been trying to get him to a doc (for the ptsd and just a mental evaluation to see if maybe he can get meds for it all and see what else is wrong with him.)
I am drawn to repsond to this post because, having read some of your posts/journals before, I feel like there are some similarities between our DHs. I will try to keep this short.
My DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 10. Over the years he has on RARE occasion flipped out on me to the point of cussing, screaming, throwing things (like flipping over a chair), calling me names, accusing me of cheating (bizzarre), etc. He has even threatened to "burn this f***ing house down", all because we are fighting. , usually about *nothing*. This has happened in front our four kids. Of course, I feel like totall sh!t and I'm p*ssed off that he exposed my kids to his violent outbursts. BUT-- I love him and the kids love him, and he is wonderful in nearly every way-- loyal, smart, honest, hard-working....98% of the time he is great. So I say nothing, maybe stop speaking to him for a few days, then it blows over.
Each time it happens, I tell myself that the *next* time, I will leave him. I deserve better, the kids deserve better, so on and so on. But I never tell him that, because I know he will go off, take it as a "threat", and go even crazier.
This past Monday he came home in a p*ssy mood, starts yelling at the kids before he even walks in the house. I gave him a dirty look, and he went off on ME, screaming and yelling, cussing, on and on. Finally, when he had calmed down somewhat, I said very calmly, "The next time you cuss me like you just did in front of these kids, we are done." Well, just as I expected, he went ballistic. Wanted me to get my stuff and get out. Now. Go to your mother's and stay. I said "No, I will be staying and you will be going", because I could make the rent on my own; he could not. He says "I can't believe you are threatening me" and I said "For the past 10 years, every time you have cussed me like this, I have told myself that it will be the last. I don't deserve it and I wil not have my kids exposed to it any longer." I was in the middle of making dinner at the time, and I was planning to take the kids to the circus later that evening with my sister. I turned the stove off, gathered up the kids, and we left.
When we came home that night, I didn't really know what to expect. He was in bed, but he got up to help me with the kids. Even though we still haven't really talked about it (we rarely have a moment alone without children), he has been wonderful to me ever since. Even picked the little ones up from daycare for me yesterday and kept them by himself for hours, something he NEVER does. I know we still need to have a conversation about what happened, BUT I think that he actually heard me and realized that I am serious.
I am not suggesting that you threaten to leave, or anything like that. But maybe make it known in conversation with your DH that you deserve better treatment and are not willing to put up with verbal abuse. When I spoke to my DH, that is what I called it, because that is what it is. You and your sons all deserve better. It sounds like he needs a wake-up call as to what he stands to lose.
My DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 10. Over the years he has on RARE occasion flipped out on me to the point of cussing, screaming, throwing things (like flipping over a chair), calling me names, accusing me of cheating (bizzarre), etc. He has even threatened to "burn this f***ing house down", all because we are fighting. , usually about *nothing*. This has happened in front our four kids. Of course, I feel like totall sh!t and I'm p*ssed off that he exposed my kids to his violent outbursts. BUT-- I love him and the kids love him, and he is wonderful in nearly every way-- loyal, smart, honest, hard-working....98% of the time he is great. So I say nothing, maybe stop speaking to him for a few days, then it blows over.
Each time it happens, I tell myself that the *next* time, I will leave him. I deserve better, the kids deserve better, so on and so on. But I never tell him that, because I know he will go off, take it as a "threat", and go even crazier.
This past Monday he came home in a p*ssy mood, starts yelling at the kids before he even walks in the house. I gave him a dirty look, and he went off on ME, screaming and yelling, cussing, on and on. Finally, when he had calmed down somewhat, I said very calmly, "The next time you cuss me like you just did in front of these kids, we are done." Well, just as I expected, he went ballistic. Wanted me to get my stuff and get out. Now. Go to your mother's and stay. I said "No, I will be staying and you will be going", because I could make the rent on my own; he could not. He says "I can't believe you are threatening me" and I said "For the past 10 years, every time you have cussed me like this, I have told myself that it will be the last. I don't deserve it and I wil not have my kids exposed to it any longer." I was in the middle of making dinner at the time, and I was planning to take the kids to the circus later that evening with my sister. I turned the stove off, gathered up the kids, and we left.
When we came home that night, I didn't really know what to expect. He was in bed, but he got up to help me with the kids. Even though we still haven't really talked about it (we rarely have a moment alone without children), he has been wonderful to me ever since. Even picked the little ones up from daycare for me yesterday and kept them by himself for hours, something he NEVER does. I know we still need to have a conversation about what happened, BUT I think that he actually heard me and realized that I am serious.
I am not suggesting that you threaten to leave, or anything like that. But maybe make it known in conversation with your DH that you deserve better treatment and are not willing to put up with verbal abuse. When I spoke to my DH, that is what I called it, because that is what it is. You and your sons all deserve better. It sounds like he needs a wake-up call as to what he stands to lose.
Well that might be the issue. Maybe he's tired of being home all day, everday. It's really hard when he feels like he can't provide for his family. Maybe he feels like less of a man. Not to mention a mild case of PTSD, even only mild may cause him to react in a not so productive manner and have a bad attitude. Creatine, helps to gain weight, although it really is just water weight that is put on. He sounds like he may be a little depressed. Not to mention, you're getting into shape and he's feeling a little insecure about that. So now he has to lash out and make you feel bad but don't. Keep doing what you need to do for you. You have every right to take care of your body. I think once he gets a job his bad attitude with change but he needs to learn how to manage it before than.
no...not any more. when he was active duty he was taking vitamins and i think creatine or whatever that stuff is. i do know he has a "mild" (i think it's more than mild) form of PTSD. right now he's with the million other people who are unemployed. he got out of active duty about a year ago to be with us and had a few people saying they would hire him (the only reason he got out) and once he did...they said nevermind and hired someone else. so he's home with us...all day...everyday.
Is he taking any type of medication or hormone suppliments? My fiance is a body builder and takes hormone suppliments and gets hormone fluctuations. They aren't as bad as they used to be because he has learned to control them, based on my threats of him getting it together or me giving up on this relationship. Of course at the time there were many other things going on that caused his nastiness. That's why I asked if anything was going on with his job or anything like that.
and now he's acting completely normal. :o/ i don't get him. i wonder if he's bi-polar....but my brother is bi-polar and his moods don't even go this crazy. is it a man thing? i know my hormones are still crazy and getting used to my new b/c but man oh man I'M not even this bad.
and now he's acting completely normal. :o/ i don't get him. i wonder if he's bi-polar....but my brother is bi-polar and his moods don't even go this crazy. is it a man thing? i know m
see i've tried just asking him what's wrong. is he happy and all that when he's "calm and cool" but it just sets him off. he starts screaming and yelling and then accuses me of cheating. (that's one of his favorite topics... i've started working out after finding out why i was gaining weight. i had a few years of being heavy and i hated it so i promised myself i wouldn't get that way again plus i don't want to be one of those moms who can't run around and play with her kids b/c she can't breath b/c of being too heavy, but since i'm working out...i'm cheating according to him)
it's like i really married an evil twin who killed the good twin. :o/ i might try counseling alone if he still refuses to go.
it's like i really married an evil twin who killed the good twin. :o/ i might try counseling alone if he still refuses to go.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I don't know what happens to men when kids come along. It's like this switch goes off and they become different people. I guess the only thing I can recommend since he doesn't want counseling is perhaps you sit him down and talk with him and ask him what's going on. Do it when you are both not in the middle of a fight. Ask him if he wants to make this marriage work and ask him if he's been happy. Tell him what you need from him and then if he's cool, calm and collected during this discussion than suggest the counseling. If he refuses to go I don't think it would be unheard of if you go on your own. At least you could learn how to deal with him in a more positive way. Has he been under any particular amount of stress? Like with work? Sometimes people bring that stress home with them and don't know how to separate home and work. I wish I could be of more help.
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