Aa
in a long term relationship rut and scared about the future
So, bare with me cause my story needs a fair amount of explainins.. lately I've been feeling things that i've never really paid attention to before in my relationship. My boyfriend and i got together in high school, we were super young and have been together for the last 8 or so years (we're both 24 now). We live together, we have 2 dogs, and our families are super close. Not to mention we're the same religion/background so you know how some parents are with that. Our sexual relationship hasn't been that great for a little while, neither of us had really slept with many other people before getting together. For the last year or so, maybe even 2.. i've felt like everything has been just a way of going through the motions.. not to mention our sex life is fairly few and far between.
As we've grown up, i've been feeling like i'm getting more and more outgoing while he is becoming less and less. I make friends super easily, and sometimes i feel bad because he's not really up to speed with me. I went on vacation with my best girlfriend last week and met lots of people, and was given lots of attention from other guys. I passed on an opportunity to hook up with someone else because i would never do that to him, but can't say that i didnt WANT to. Lately i've been feeling a little confined.. is it normal to feel this way? ALSO, is it normal to be 24 and already in a stale relationship? We've talked about marraige before like its a natural order of things but it isn't important to either of us in the near future. However, breaking up would be a HUGE ordeal .. i don't want to stay in a relationship out of fear, but is it normal to feel this way? Should i suck it up and work on it? Is there anything left to really work on?
Lately i've been feeling like i want to act out, be irresponsible, be spontaneous.. not exactly something you can do in a relationship. I also know that my befriending a bunch of people, especailly when a lot of guys, on vacation must be hard for him to handle. But i can't confine myself and go back to the shy, timid person that i was when we met. Help?! Feeling super lost..
As we've grown up, i've been feeling like i'm getting more and more outgoing while he is becoming less and less. I make friends super easily, and sometimes i feel bad because he's not really up to speed with me. I went on vacation with my best girlfriend last week and met lots of people, and was given lots of attention from other guys. I passed on an opportunity to hook up with someone else because i would never do that to him, but can't say that i didnt WANT to. Lately i've been feeling a little confined.. is it normal to feel this way? ALSO, is it normal to be 24 and already in a stale relationship? We've talked about marraige before like its a natural order of things but it isn't important to either of us in the near future. However, breaking up would be a HUGE ordeal .. i don't want to stay in a relationship out of fear, but is it normal to feel this way? Should i suck it up and work on it? Is there anything left to really work on?
Lately i've been feeling like i want to act out, be irresponsible, be spontaneous.. not exactly something you can do in a relationship. I also know that my befriending a bunch of people, especailly when a lot of guys, on vacation must be hard for him to handle. But i can't confine myself and go back to the shy, timid person that i was when we met. Help?! Feeling super lost..
Hi. See some parallels here with my life.
I was with my ex-husband for one year before we moved in together. We did so for two years. It seemed a natural progression, as you say, to get married. We did and five years later had our first child and then another two years after that. So total almost 10 years married.
I was shy and didn't come out of that stage unil 35. Our relationship was just ok all those years. Lots of important ingredients were missing. I eventually became unhappy and, yes, went through a selfish stage, five months of counselling and then divorced. So my two children have had a broken home since then and they were only 3 and 5 when we split up. The consequences have been huge, although having my two sons has been a wonderful blessing and worth all the downside and it's now 20 years after the divorce.
I think living together, just like dating, is a time to find out if two people have what it takes to go further. Thing about living together is that it is more difficult to end a relationship that is not growing but declining as you share so much more together. Also, others do have expectations that you will stay together but what matters most is what the two of you decide is best, to stay together or not.
I applaud your loyalty to him and am glad you want wait to date (if you do that is) until you can see yourself free of the current situation. You'll have a time of transition and then be available emtionally for another when you have been on your own for a time.
I gave you a brief time capsule of my relationship with my ex to show you that people will move forward in an existing relationship even when the writing is on the wall that it isn't working out just to stay with the status quo and make everyone else "happy" when in time the chance of having major consequences for such a choice will add up and your life along with others' will become so much more complicated.
Hope that all makes sense. We don't always have 20/20 in the present but aftersight is so much clearer.
Best to you.
I was with my ex-husband for one year before we moved in together. We did so for two years. It seemed a natural progression, as you say, to get married. We did and five years later had our first child and then another two years after that. So total almost 10 years married.
I was shy and didn't come out of that stage unil 35. Our relationship was just ok all those years. Lots of important ingredients were missing. I eventually became unhappy and, yes, went through a selfish stage, five months of counselling and then divorced. So my two children have had a broken home since then and they were only 3 and 5 when we split up. The consequences have been huge, although having my two sons has been a wonderful blessing and worth all the downside and it's now 20 years after the divorce.
I think living together, just like dating, is a time to find out if two people have what it takes to go further. Thing about living together is that it is more difficult to end a relationship that is not growing but declining as you share so much more together. Also, others do have expectations that you will stay together but what matters most is what the two of you decide is best, to stay together or not.
I applaud your loyalty to him and am glad you want wait to date (if you do that is) until you can see yourself free of the current situation. You'll have a time of transition and then be available emtionally for another when you have been on your own for a time.
I gave you a brief time capsule of my relationship with my ex to show you that people will move forward in an existing relationship even when the writing is on the wall that it isn't working out just to stay with the status quo and make everyone else "happy" when in time the chance of having major consequences for such a choice will add up and your life along with others' will become so much more complicated.
Hope that all makes sense. We don't always have 20/20 in the present but aftersight is so much clearer.
Best to you.
I think I am a good person to give advise here as I may be helping you not make a mistake that I made. But of course every situation is different and all people are different. With that said.. You are 24, still young, but getting to the age that you definatly know what you need and how you feel. I married my childhood sweatheart. I started dating him at 16 and married him at 25.He sowed his oats, so to speak, but I never did. I thinkyou want to Sow your wild oats. that is what it sounds like. and you know what, you should! you are young and too young to feel the way you do in a realtionship. It will not get better or go away. the feeling will intensify as you get older,especially if you marry him and have kids. you may be happy at times and go through lifes mildstones but deep inside if you feel there is something you didnt experience it may come aback to bit you in the a-- so to speak. Im not telling you to break his heart and dump him but I am saying you need to pay attention to what your head and heart is telling you. MY advise is to talk to your bf. Tell him you need a break maybe. If your living together maybe you need time apart to see how you really feel being away form him. I think since your families are close and you have been together for 8 years(which is a long time at your age) then it is a comfort. that is not necessarily a reason to stay with someone. you only live once my dear and you should not have any regrets. You need to explore your inner feelings before there is children in the mix and a family gets broken or hurt. Take time and spend time apart.IF you feel you want to "date others" then you should. That will be the only way you know how you feel. BUt dont "cheat" on him. BE upfront and honest and do it gingerly as not to hurt him but be honest about your feelings. Tell him that you love him but you dont want to have any doubts about your relationship down the road and you need this time. Hopefully he will give that to you. Who knows maybe he might be feeling the same way and is too quiet to share it with you. Good luck!
Hello dear, I'm sorry you're feeling distressed about the inevitability of hurting your boyfriend, but I think the writing is on the wall, and you can't comfortably regress. It simply wouldn't be fair to you. And you has to be your first concern. If you're not happy, you can't make anyone else happy.
I have a son your age that is very socially active with a group of friends that is always growing. They find jobs, girlfriends, and roommates within the group, they couch surfed through Europe for 8 weeks, go camping , portaging, and boating, always in a group. They're not a hard group to belong to, they celebrate their differences, and accept each other almost conditionally. Almost. The one thing that does not fly is if a person is introverted or a loner. That piece just doesn't fit in the puzzle.
Just as you will find someone who enjoys the company of others, so too will he find one that is a homebody. Your love will always remain, untouched throughout the years. (I know this from experience, I love my first long term boyfriend as much today as when we were dating, but it was just not meant to be.)
You're a very articulate individual and I think that you need to sit down and very calmly talk about the way your feeling right now. Exactly as you've been open here, don't mince words or hold back what you're feeling. He deserves to hear your feelings, and you deserve to have your feelings heard. You could handle the break up as a one year separation, which is what a lot of married folks do before they actually divorce. This was the procedure of divorce courts, and may still be in some states. It seems a very humane way of dealing with everyone's emotions. Even if there's a .01% chance of your ever wanting to get back together, I think it would go a long way in appeasing everyone involved..
I would tell him you want to date other people, before you get engaged to be married, and you would like him to do the same. In a year maybe you can sit down and talk. Don't worry honey, you'll get through this. You're in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, private message anyone on here. We'd be glad to help. Liz
I have a son your age that is very socially active with a group of friends that is always growing. They find jobs, girlfriends, and roommates within the group, they couch surfed through Europe for 8 weeks, go camping , portaging, and boating, always in a group. They're not a hard group to belong to, they celebrate their differences, and accept each other almost conditionally. Almost. The one thing that does not fly is if a person is introverted or a loner. That piece just doesn't fit in the puzzle.
Just as you will find someone who enjoys the company of others, so too will he find one that is a homebody. Your love will always remain, untouched throughout the years. (I know this from experience, I love my first long term boyfriend as much today as when we were dating, but it was just not meant to be.)
You're a very articulate individual and I think that you need to sit down and very calmly talk about the way your feeling right now. Exactly as you've been open here, don't mince words or hold back what you're feeling. He deserves to hear your feelings, and you deserve to have your feelings heard. You could handle the break up as a one year separation, which is what a lot of married folks do before they actually divorce. This was the procedure of divorce courts, and may still be in some states. It seems a very humane way of dealing with everyone's emotions. Even if there's a .01% chance of your ever wanting to get back together, I think it would go a long way in appeasing everyone involved..
I would tell him you want to date other people, before you get engaged to be married, and you would like him to do the same. In a year maybe you can sit down and talk. Don't worry honey, you'll get through this. You're in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, private message anyone on here. We'd be glad to help. Liz
I agree with the above..Maybe you Love each other but are not In Love anymore. It is better to get out before you seek attention from other men and then the hurt will be worse and the friendship Damaged..
BUT on the other hand too, I have lived with several guys in my younger days only to leave when things did not feel right. I got married at 29 to a guy I rode the school bus with since grade school. I did this great big circle in life to come back and find my real true love. We are going on 28 years next month and we have grown to be like each other in the way we are now. We do not kiss or have a lot of affection physically like we did but I can tell by the way we look at each other and even when we do not say a word, we both know what we are thinking. I have my Best Friend and nothing would ever be better then that. I wish you the best in the future..
Bless
BUT on the other hand too, I have lived with several guys in my younger days only to leave when things did not feel right. I got married at 29 to a guy I rode the school bus with since grade school. I did this great big circle in life to come back and find my real true love. We are going on 28 years next month and we have grown to be like each other in the way we are now. We do not kiss or have a lot of affection physically like we did but I can tell by the way we look at each other and even when we do not say a word, we both know what we are thinking. I have my Best Friend and nothing would ever be better then that. I wish you the best in the future..
Bless
Your 'revelations' here are not surprising in the least. You've simply matured over the years and what/how You think now is not the same as when You were 16. That's totally natural and can be said for us all. Time changes things as we grow and mature. Teenage Love is NOT a mature Love, although there have been successes when the "teenage" Love grows and develops into something truely meaningful - but that doesn't always or often happen. There are no good guys or bad guys here - just change. We should not choose a life partner at the age of 16 for that very reason. To move on would be difficult as apparently it will affect others but if You choose to do so, now would be better than later. You don't want to have a Marriage and Children with this uncertainty in Your heart.
Good Luck With Your Decision
Good Luck With Your Decision
ALOT of young loves end up this way because when you grow up you are not the same person you were as a teenager. I got married at 16 to what I thought was THE love of my life and then was divorced at 29. IT HAPPENS. I do not advocate divorce which is why I think you should be SURE before you take that step. Staying in a relationship out of fear is super UNHEALTHY and you will probably end up doing things that would hurt him worse than had you just told him. It sounds like you both LOVE each other but maybe you aren't IN love. You can't stay in a relationship because OTHER people want you to. You would be sentencing yourself to a life of misery. My advice is THINK THINGS THROUGH and DO WHAT YOUR HEART tells you to do. It is perfectly normal to GROW UP and find that your ADULT self doesn't want the same things you did 8 years ago. On the other hand it sounds like you have a very stable life and a great friendship with your boyfriend. THAT in itself is something to consider. THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER on the other side ......BEST of luck to ya!
I have two thoughts about this.
One, it sounds like it's time to break up. In general, do you not make changes even though it's obvious it's time to make a change? It sounds like you've hung on to this relationship just because it's a habit for a very, very long time. You're not the same girl you were when you were 16, and you may want different things than you did back then. I wonder why you've been together SO long and you still aren't married - it doesn't sound like either one of you is terribly inspired by the other.
Two, this paragraph is the opposite of the one above. I was out to lunch a couple months ago with 12 women, dear long term friends, and was shocked when the conversation turned to how long we'd all known our husbands. Seven (so, more than half) the women had been high school sweethearts with their husbands and had pretty much never had another boyfriend, ever. We're all in our 50's - most of us "empty nesters" with kids in college - and these women are HAPPY in their marriages. They have dynamic relationships, take great trips, have fun stories to tell, etc.
So that's what I'm saying. Either you've got a relationship that will stand the test of time and it's a great one and you're just kind of feeling a little curious about life outside that relationship, or maybe the first paragraph is true and you two aren't a match and never were you're just kind of low energy and don't ever make changes that obviously need to be made.
Best wishes with your decision.
One, it sounds like it's time to break up. In general, do you not make changes even though it's obvious it's time to make a change? It sounds like you've hung on to this relationship just because it's a habit for a very, very long time. You're not the same girl you were when you were 16, and you may want different things than you did back then. I wonder why you've been together SO long and you still aren't married - it doesn't sound like either one of you is terribly inspired by the other.
Two, this paragraph is the opposite of the one above. I was out to lunch a couple months ago with 12 women, dear long term friends, and was shocked when the conversation turned to how long we'd all known our husbands. Seven (so, more than half) the women had been high school sweethearts with their husbands and had pretty much never had another boyfriend, ever. We're all in our 50's - most of us "empty nesters" with kids in college - and these women are HAPPY in their marriages. They have dynamic relationships, take great trips, have fun stories to tell, etc.
So that's what I'm saying. Either you've got a relationship that will stand the test of time and it's a great one and you're just kind of feeling a little curious about life outside that relationship, or maybe the first paragraph is true and you two aren't a match and never were you're just kind of low energy and don't ever make changes that obviously need to be made.
Best wishes with your decision.
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