in love all over again.. advice?

[inloveagain]

My husband and I have been together 3 years now, and even though I've always loved him unconditionally we've been in a lull for the last 6 months, for reasons that we are equally at fault for. Depression, addiction, resentment, lack of communication. We were both unhappy with the state of our lives and we frequently took it out in eachother, we never argued much in the past and we've probably fought more in the last 6 months than the entire time we'd been together. We even considered divorce at one point, but both of us mutually agreed even though we've had problems, the future looked bleak without eachother in our lives.

I'm really glad we toughed it out because we've been getting along great, and call me crazy but I feel like we just got married all over again, like we're back in the honeymoon phase. The ”spark” is back. Its wonderful! However..

I guess during the time we were fighting I became extremely introverted and distant. I didn't want to hug, kiss or cuddle. Now I'm sitting here feeling like my heart is going to explode if I don't kiss him, touch him, talk to him. But he finds it weird now due to the lack of intimacy we shared during our rough patch. When I go out of my way to kiss him he is surprised and calls it ”weird” because ”I never do that” and then I end up feeling silly and discouraged from being intimate with him.

I am so in love though! I don't know how to not make it ”weird” because I want to kiss and cuddle with him. I don't want to be so distant from eachother all the time now. Is it possible we can go back to not being able to keep our hands off eachother, or is that something that diminishes with time as we become comfortable with eachother? I literally feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again.. Advice?

[nursegirl6572]

I'm very happy for you that you have sort of "renewed" your affection for one another.  I don't mean to be a "debbie downer", but you really need to tread carefully here.  Getting through an addiction and working on that addiction (which of course is a long term process) requires a person to go through a HUGE range of emotions.  Your husband's depression was probably largely due to the depression.  With addiction, there is a physical recovery, but also an emotional one.

So, you have to be careful not to overdo it.  If he is sending you clear messages about your affection being over ther top, it may be too much for him.  He could even be feeling guilty because he doesn't quite feel up to reciprocating.  I'm not saying to go back to things when they were bad, but you need to find a happy medium.  You just don't want to make him feel like you are on overzealous puppy dog jumping up and down, especially if he isn't quite feeling it, to that level.  (Sorry, not comparing you to a dog, obviously, but it was a good analogy, LOL).

I think the very best thing you could do, for YOU, and for your marriage is to seek out something like al-anon, which will help YOU learn all about addiction, how it works, and what to expect.  It's great that you have a renewed affection for him, but if he is a little uncomfortable by the intensity of it, it may drive him to want to take a step back emotionally, and like all addicts, he's already dealing with a huge amount of guilt, he doesn't need to feel extra guilty because he's not real receptive to your "back from the mailbox" hugs...or he'll even feel he needs to reciprocate, and you wouldn't want him doing that because he feels he has to.

I'd say tone it down just a wee bit.  You can also SHOW your appreciation and feelings for him by gestures, it doesn't always have to be physical affection.  Cook him a nice dinner...compliment him (occasionally) on how well he's doing with his recovery.  Addicts have to work on their addictions for life, and relapse sadly is a VERY common occurence.  YOU would never be at fault if he relapsed, but like I said...you learning a bit more about the process, and things you can do to make him more comfortable would be great....and would of course help decrease the chance of relapse.

WHATEVER you do, don't start bringing him his slippers and morning paper, while wagging your tai!!  ~INSERT LAUGHTER HERE~.  LOL

Best of luck with your marriage!

[inloveagain]

Personal space*...

[inloveagain]

Oh, he went through a rather long struggle with opiate addiction and in the beginning we went together, but I feel like he is much more open to talking on his own, he needs his personal time to confront his own demons. And that's fine with me, I don't want him to feel like he has no prerenal space. I'm a very private person, also. So it makes sense.

Anyways, thanks for the advice on the book, I'll definitely check it out.

I think by continuing to be affectionate, but not over the top, is going to help alot. He mentioned a weird comment so I politely asked him if he minded this. He looked surprised, replied that he loves this ”happier with hi” love and affection. Now he's even coming over to give me spontaneous kisses. :) Thank you.

[specialmom]

Oh, I'm glad he is working on these issues.  What was his addiction if I may ask?  

I think that when someone is in recovery, they are working on things and can be overwhelmed.  I'm glad you are feeling so in love with him and are trying to show him physically.  there is a book, the 5 love languages.  have you heard of this??  Perhaps there is a way that you can express to him your rekindling of love that will really 'speak' to him.  ??  

Anyway, I think that I'd ignore the weird comments and as long as he isn't opposed to the affection, just go with it.  If it is too much for him, scale back a bit.  I have a friend who feels her husband hangs on her and it makes her uncomfortable.  She loves him dearly but doesn't like to be bombarded.  so, maybe compromise if he is uncomfortable with the level of affection you desire to show him.  You need your needs met too though so help him along with that lovingly.

Do you do therapy together?

[inloveagain]

Is seeing an,addiction specialist! Not that he is one. Replyingfrom a phone is hard!

[inloveagain]

.. My husband is an addictions specialist, like therapy, and he's also in an antidepressant that has really worked alot for him, he's back to the same guy I fell in love with.

You're right that I possibly wasn't as affectionate as I would like to be now because also he, himself, was raised in a very strict society where you don't show affection in public, or around other people, and I have had issues with showing my love and affection in the past before, also.

But I digress, it was always the norm to meet him at the door when he gets home from work with a big kiss and an ”how's work?”, or to kiss eachother when we pass by. But now it seems those things seem weird after we became so distant from eachother. I don't know..

[inloveagain]

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to me. My husband is setting

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, what have you done to treat the depression and addiction issues?  Those are very serious things that need to be addressed in an ongoing way.

I bring it up because you are clearly more affectionate and high on this relationship in a way that is ringing a warning bell with your spouse.  I would guess it is more than you were even in the begining and not just that this affection disappeared during the 6 months of issues.  Your partner is seeing this as new and over the top behavior.  

I think I would try to be affectionate with him while still understanding he may not want a running hug as he walks around the corner from the bathroom.  Make the new affectionate you the norm and ignore the weird comments until he gets used to it.

but I do wonder if more is going on.  

What has happened to the depression and addiction?