is my wife cheating

[stevenj28]

i here in iraq my wife has change since she lost her job now she go to the club with her friends and lie to me about it i called her one night and head the all the nosie she said she was out side the club then later said she was in side inow she ware sexy underware she ever did this before i don't know what to think i over here working to take care of her she not the same women any more i love her but i don't know if she cheating

[SeriousSam]

As one vet to another.

Welcome to war, the military and the real world.

I'll post thoughts and suggestions on what you can do, but first.  Do you guys have kids?

[g27gear]

I see it all the time out here (Ft Campbell). The husband goes overseas, the wife has more time to hang out with friends that are no good for her. She doesn't have time for her job, because she want's to hang out with her friends. All the extra money you're making out there is rolling in, so she doesn't need the money from her job... It's a big ugly snowball that gets worse the more it rolls downhill. SeriousSam is a smart guy and I'm sure he can give you some advise that will work well for you. For the most part, if you're not communication well with her, letting her know what's bothering you and why, things will just get worse. My wife asked about going to the club when I was deployed too. I asked her if she wanted me to go to the club if she was out the country... That made her think about how really wrong it is. If she really likes going out, make sure you take her out when you're home. I hate the clubs myself. No one goes there to exchange the best way to change a diaper, or how to cook a great meal. Clubs are for young people looking to hook up, and old people looking to hook up with one of the young people there.
You can't choose your wife's friends, but you can let her know how you feel about some of those girls that are only out there for no good.

[sammy73]

I have no idea whether this woman is cheating or not.  But I don't think the fact that she is going out to clubs proves, or even suggests, one thing or another.  What is she supposed to do while her husband is away - sit at home every evening on her own, bored, watching TV with no other adult company?  Why shouldn't she get together with some friends and go out and have some fun?  Plenty of women of various ages enjoy going to clubs with a bunch of their girlfriends to have a drink and a dance and enjoy themselves, it does not automatically mean they are out for the sole purpose of trying to hook up with some guy.

If you are away for long periods of time, it is impossible to keep tabs on what she is doing.  It would be very easy for her to have an affair without you having a clue about it.  You can't check up on her, so you just have to trust her.

If you were supportive of her enjoying herself, if you said "Hope you enjoy yourself, have a fun night!" when she is going out, rather than being paranoid about it, she would be less likely to lie to you about where she was going.

[SeriousSam]

You are not in the military nor do you understand American culture,  The likelihood is that she is cheating since he is gone and won't accidentally come home.  Though come to think of it the the British wives used to be in the clubs hitting on guys a lot to when they were in the field.

The real question is what can he/should he  do about it?  That is why I sked if he had kids, because the dynamics change immensely

[g27gear]

You and I both know what he can do about it. Call before he comes home. Silently disregard the toilet seat being up, and don't ask the kids about the guys they called "uncle" while he was gone.

[Jasmine205]

lol, if I didn't know better SeriousSam and g27gear are the same person *winks*

Anyways, I can't tell you if she is cheating on you, none of us can, you are the one who knows her and sees her daily only you can figure that truth out for yourself, right?
Maybe she is a really flirty girl, and going to the clubs feed her ego needs?

My ex bf was in the navy and when he'd go away on trips/natos, he'd go out with his buddies in those ports and drink in pubs/clubs, and I would go out here and do the same thing with my gfs. But I would just dance with my gfs, and have a nice time, I never went with the intentions of picking up some random dude for sex or anything.
Sure compliments on how you look are lovely to get, even from strangers but when you truly love someone "truly" love them, there isn't anyone in my mind that will break that bond unless YOU let them..  And I never let anyone break it.. we grew apart on our own, as most first time relationships go..I guess.
If your wife is cheating on you while you were off in Iraq I think thats a pretty low thing for her to do to you..and until you find out for sure, if I was you, I'd wear a condom with her , maybe?
Sorry, I don't have any excellent advice to give you to get the truth out of her.. Maybe she'll come clean with you in due time, hopefully.
Good luck!

[sammy73]

"You are not in the military nor do you understand American culture,  The likelihood is that she is cheating since he is gone and won't accidentally come home."

The implication from that statement is that ALL American army wives always cheat while their husbands are away.  Really???

Jasmine205's statement would seem to suggest that what I said is at least a realistic possibility - some wives/girlfriends can go out and enjoy themselves without it having to be about finding someone to have sex with.

[SeriousSam]

First of all there is a little bit of a difference between off base clubs and regular clubs.  And yes a person who all of sudden dresses sexy and goes to a club is trying to attract someone.  And yes it is very common for someone who is going to a club frequently while there husband is gone for 6 months, a year, or two years to cheat.  Clubs are places to meet partners and dance is part of the human mating game.

And yes g27 essentially has the advice I would give down in a bit more blunt fashion than I would have given, but essentially correct.

Otherwise I would say to kick so far to the curb that she is sitting next to yesterdays trash.  There is a reason that successful military families are usually religious one way or anoter and it is because in the end all they have is faith

[stevenj28]

no we don't have kids

[SixStringer]

First of all, from an Army vet, thank you for serving your country.  As I was overseas for a year, I know that being away from your family can weigh on you.  In this case, I don't know if your wife is cheating or not--nor do you.  Do not let worry or feelings get you to think the worst.  Many women might take to wearing a thong or other sexy clothes for one reason or another, but that is quite a leap of faith to think that she is cheating because of that.  Likewise with the club issue.  Often when a man is away, other women try to get the wife out of the house and away from constantly worrying about her man overseas.  You say that she is not the same woman anymore, but what real proof or evidence do you have?  A marriage is built upon trust.  It would take something with a large impact to break that trust.  From what you have written, I see nothing here that would break that trust.  Continue to express your love, because bottom line unless something else presents itself, as you say:   ". . . I don't know if she is cheating."  

[4afriend]

First of all, let me say thank you for your service to all of us and our country.  I personally keep all of our soldiers in my heart when I know they are away facing such difficult things.  My ex brother in law did two tours in Iraq as well. (just recently completed his service for the army after 8 years)  He informed me that many wifes messed around while their hubbys were away serving.  I personally feeling that it totally disrespectful in any relationship but to do that when the "man you love" is in such a difficult position...it makes it all the worse.  I do not know that your wife is cheating.  I know that if I had a husband that is away doing what you are doing...my mind would worry constantly about him.  Do you think there is anyway she is just out with the girls trying to preoccupy her mind/worry? If you had children, I would say it would be easier for her to preoccupy herself and her mind.  I know many ladies who go out to the clubs who are married and they do not cheat on their husbands.  If you wife truly loves you...she is not cheating now.  How do you know she got/wearing the sexy undies??  Honey, It's obvious that you love your wife and I can't imagine having those kind of worries while you so far away, doing such a difficult task.  I totally agree with the person who told you to ask her how she would feel if you were doing what she is...If her heart is in the right place...she will hear you.  If she feels she has nothing to preoccupy her mind..ask her to find a hobby of some sort or to get involved in a group of some kind...outside of a club setting.  There's always the possibility of just getting a new job...to fill up some of that time.  Just because your making quite a bit more money while you aways, doesn't mean she doesn't/can't make some money too,  If you mean what you should mean to her as her husband, she will make sure that she does what you need her to.  I say that because, if that is the case, her priority will be to keep you mind free from worry so you have a better head on your shoulders to keep yourself safe over there.  Best Wishes to you.  Be Strong and Come Home Safe!!!

[g27gear]

I should digress a bit, some women do go to the club just to dance. But, I've never had a friend say to me, "Tony, let's go to the club. I don't want to think about anything, I just want to dance in a big circle around our shoes and handbags and loose myself in the music".
My point in my previous statement, should have been that there are not men going to the club just to get away from the house, they are there for one of 3 reason; they want to get drunk and stupid, they want to get drunk and meet a chick, they got suckerd into driving their friends around so they can get drunk and find a chick.
I don't think a respectable wife should put herself in a position where she's surrounded with guys looking to score. Their are plenty of other things to do to keep a girl occupied while their spouse is overseas sucking down bottled water and playing with camel spiders.

[SeriousSam]

I couldn't have said it better!

BTW are the Red Carpet, Golden Door, & Monas still around?  LOL just curious.

I still miss the Texas sized pizzas, and the gate four bookstore.

[SeriousSam]

Just out of curiousity does your wife live near a military base? and if so in which country?

[g27gear]

The Red Carpet changed names. I can't remember what it is now... I think it was put off limits.
Golden Door & Monas haven't been around for a while. The golden door is comic book store or something like that. Monas is a BBQ/Rib place now. It's crazy to think of all the crazy stuff that use to go on in there. I use to stop by Mona's log cabin on the way home to grab a drink and watch some chicks dance. I didn't realize that Mona's and the Golden Door would be practice for the clubs in Korea...

[momagain59]

I hope she isn't doing anything that you aren't doing. God bless you for keeping our country safe. Hang in there, only think good thoughts or your time over there will just slow down. Reading the bible always helps me when I am going through a worrying time.

[debgunn23]

Im sorry to hear that....most of the time it does happen when your in iraq. When i was in the army i was gone alot and my b/f cheated every night. My husband is in the military now and hes gone alot. But ive never cheated and never will, i dont even put myself in that situation. But thats who i am, she may be like that too. Just talk to her about it. Tell her you feel something is going on but in a way thats not pointing fingers but letting her know you love her. I know others may htink this is wrong but is there someone who can watch her or test her? Its a good way to catch a cheater. I hope everything goes good and you figure out whats going on.

[SeriousSam]

"i dont even put myself in that situation."  You mean like going to clubs?

[Jaybay]

stevenj - from a fellow Houstonian, THANK YOU for your service!  A good friend of ours did 2 tours in Iraq with the Marines so I have a tiny bit of understanding through him as to how isolated and helpless you must feel.  I also understand why you question your wife's fidelity.  The sad part is that you really don't know what she's doing - or not doing.  I wish I had some words of wisdom and comfort for you, but I don't.  

g27gear - Thank you too!  If I weren't married, I'd be looking you up in TN.  I like the way you think.  LOL!  

Steven, listen to g27 and try to put your emotions aside and focus on facts.  If you have only suspicions, they'll eat you alive.  Call your wife out on her actions and ASK her what is going on.  What's the worst that could happen?  She admits to acting like a ***** while you're fighting for our country.  Either she is trustworthy, loyal and faithful - or she's not.  Separation puts a strain on any marriage, so keep talking even if the answers aren't what you want to hear.  It's better to deal with facts rather than rumor and innuendo.

[Danieltroy]

On of the most important parts of the marriage is friendship. Know matter your thoughts of feelings, stay loving and supportive. It will payoff.

[teddybear552]

As one Vet to another. I feel sorry for you. I know what this feels like.  The saying goes. If you think that she is cheating 99% of the time they are. Thats exactly what happened to me.  What the women don't understand is how they are disrespecting there men.  I understand that they need to go out every once in a while but don't lie to us and go out somewhere where he is ok with it. Imagine if you were over there and your man was cheating on you.

[debgunn23]

Anything really, if i were at a party or at a friends house and they left me alone with a guy that seemed interested in me i would just walk away or even at a club same situation. I dont really go to clubs anymore though they kinda bore me. In fact i was invited to a camping trip last weekend with a bunch of my guy friends who were all going to drink and i know some of them like me and since im married for one i wouldnt do it but for two that would be a bad sitatuon to even get into. I trust them but when people are drunk who knows.