Relationships Community
is this love or am i dreaming?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

is this love or am i dreaming?

Have dated this guy for almost 4yrs and we broke up because he says his in love with someone else but we are now best friends and spend 70% of the time together. He never sees the other gal or talks abt her, and yet we talk about everything. Every one says he loves me and Am still in love with him and he acts like he loves me too but is it wise to hope? Will he ever realise that he is in love with me and not her? or shd i give him some space? Should i let go and start seeing other people?
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hi.  I think many men speak the truth quite simply.  Here is your trouble.  He obviously still has feelings for you.  After 4 years together and history, of course you both do!  Sounds like you had many good times together.  But somewhere along the way, he decided to see what else was out there or it just happened or whatever.  Bottom line, he has told you that he is in love with someone else.

Those are powerful words.  They trump any and all action he takes with you.  It means he's been cheating.  It means he has developed strong feelings with another woman.  Confused or not, I'd not overlook this.  When this happens prior to marriage and children, I just could never advise a woman to stick it out in case he decides that he really does love you and not her.  It is about character.  If you were married and had kids, I'd have different advice for you.  

We can love more than one person in our lives.  Our goal in choosing the best partner is to find one that we have the best chance of making it long term with.  When situations like this happens by year 4, not a good sign.  I think you are best off cutting your losses here and moving on.
And do not date for a period of time.  You need to clear your head.  Being alone is hard for some people but that is how they end up making a series of bad choices--------- either accepting mistreatment from the person they want to be with or jumping to someone else without keeping standards really high for what they want.  Powerful healing comes from that alone time after a long term relationship.  Take it and discover who you are without a man in your life.  Then you will be better prepared to find a man that will be a true partner to you meeting your new high standards.  good luck!
Related Discussions
12 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
If he tells you he is in love with someone else, believe him.  He would not say that to you if he was in love with you.
Blank
1754670_tn?1312381895
thanks alot, am sure u are rite.If someone loves you they dont lie to u. My letting go starts today
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
Even more to the point, if someone is in love, he or she won't want to risk turning off the loved one by showing interest in someone else.  The fact that he plain tells you he's in love with someone else means he has no interest in you romantically.
Blank
1754670_tn?1312381895
ur rite, mayb we are just friends and i was reading the signs all wrong coz i love him n i want to believe he loves me too. guess i needed smone to confirm e truth i must ve already knwn.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
A lot of what I want to say will contradict what some of the others above have posted.  That's cool though.  They aren't me, I'm not them, and you aren't any of us either.  The bottom line is that this is a decision you need to make, and by coming here you are trying to gather all of the information you can in order to make the best informed decision.  I respect and admire that.

I had some real problems with depression that I had never addressed along side numerous other unresolved issues.  Instead of speaking with my wife and listening to my doco
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Ooops, sorry about the above half typed message.... continuing, instead of listening to my doctor and talking with my wife, I tried to find the real me outside of my marriage.  It was the worst idea ever.  I'm not going to get into specifics....

The deal is, you should give this guy room, but talk with him.  Tell him how you feel and that you care enough to let go if necessary.  It is then you should start doing things for you.... not the relationship, not him, but you.   Things that make you feel good about you.  Get out and see what's out there.

This is not necessarily his decision.  It's equally yours.  You can sit and wait, maybe only to realize that there is nothing there for the two of you or you can start to rebuild you.  That gives you plenty of time to evaluate everything in your life and prioritize everything in your life as well.

Giving him room and letting go for now is a good choice.
Blank
1754670_tn?1312381895
I appreciate ur advice alot mainly coz its from a mans point of view, So had decided to let go do my own things, and yesterday there was a friends birthday and i attended n started talking with this one guy, we have known eachother for awhile and were really comfy and he was being really funny and we were flirting and this ex of mine walkd in saw us and wanted to leave i went said hi to him, introduced him to the new guy n then stayed and talked to the new guy...my ex walked away. But today his being really strange abt it, saying he dint knw we were flirting with other pipo n he always thot we had smthing, i vent replied his email yet, clearly this guy is just too confused...dont u think
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I do think your ex is a bit confused, and this is all the proof you need that he needs plenty of room to figure things out for him.  I'm no doctor, but it seems as if your ex is suffering from some kind of a depression disorder.

I'll disagree with the above poster who said that if someone loves you, they won't risk turning off the loved one for someone else.  I know that that can happen.  If one is so depressed, the obvious love right there in front of them is sometimes not visable.  It's kind of like the tribulations a drug addict goes through.  All of the help in the world is right there for the taking and they can't find it, right in front of their nose.  

If one doesn't feel loved, they cannot express love.  The reason for this probably lies way back in your ex's past.  By saying that he doesn't love you might be a way of him testing the waters, to see if you indeed love him.  It's horribly ineffective, and that very same thing was part of what almost cost me my marriage, so I do know it can happen.

I don't necessarily think flirting or introducing a new guy to your ex at this point is a great thing to do.  I'd just lay really low and not draw much attention to myself.  Giving your ex room gives him time to address his issues.  Suggest therapy to him, express your concern, and you can tell him you love him enough to let him go and find some help.  Perhaps when he has gotten some help and is working on change, you can re-evaluate the relationship and maybe get back together.... but that would come down the road.

Your ex is just really confused and professional help and time will help him through this.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hi.  I think many men speak the truth quite simply.  Here is your trouble.  He obviously still has feelings for you.  After 4 years together and history, of course you both do!  Sounds like you had many good times together.  But somewhere along the way, he decided to see what else was out there or it just happened or whatever.  Bottom line, he has told you that he is in love with someone else.

Those are powerful words.  They trump any and all action he takes with you.  It means he's been cheating.  It means he has developed strong feelings with another woman.  Confused or not, I'd not overlook this.  When this happens prior to marriage and children, I just could never advise a woman to stick it out in case he decides that he really does love you and not her.  It is about character.  If you were married and had kids, I'd have different advice for you.  

We can love more than one person in our lives.  Our goal in choosing the best partner is to find one that we have the best chance of making it long term with.  When situations like this happens by year 4, not a good sign.  I think you are best off cutting your losses here and moving on.
And do not date for a period of time.  You need to clear your head.  Being alone is hard for some people but that is how they end up making a series of bad choices--------- either accepting mistreatment from the person they want to be with or jumping to someone else without keeping standards really high for what they want.  Powerful healing comes from that alone time after a long term relationship.  Take it and discover who you are without a man in your life.  Then you will be better prepared to find a man that will be a true partner to you meeting your new high standards.  good luck!
Blank
1754670_tn?1312381895
I like both ur advice, i agree with brice coz wen we used to talk he had a horrible past coz his mum was never around n all but again o agree with specialmom. I came here to get help and am taking the advice seriously, This man needs to realise am not always goin to be waiting for him. I need to start doing things for me, moving on and i knw dating rite now isnt wat i need coz i keep thinkin all guys are not as gd but its allowed for now coz my wound is still fresh, was planning a trip for atleast 3months away from him, see how it goes, get a new hobby and maybe with that time apart he will get that space and room he needs. Honestly am so tired abt the relationship being just abt him and if he loves me or not, am feeling alil neglected and am going to do something for me..i deserve it. You guys are amazing, thank u
Blank
1754670_tn?1312381895
i have stood by him thru alot and mayb someday he will realise it or maybe he wont, i did it outta love and i dnt regret it mayb just e time wasted but enuf is enuf. if he doesnt realise how gd i am, i guessit is his loss.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I think you're on track with this.  Not dating right now is a wonderful idea.  It allows a bit of recovery time from this and it allows you plenty of time to evaluate what is important to you, and then be able to search for a suitor that best fits what you need.

There's no rush, and when considering the rest of your life, it pays to be picky.  The relationship has to work for both parties.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
17 hrs ago by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
thatquietgirl
CA