Relationships Community
its a lost cause isnt it.....
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
Blank Blank

its a lost cause isnt it.....

Im so confused..

David and i started dating the day we met (6-9-07)
there hasnt been one day we havent spent together since then.
i lost my virginity to him three weeks into the relationship.
the first few months were absolutally perfect.
after that i started finding things out and he started changing ALOT.

the past year and a half he just keeps getting more and more distant, and emotionally abusive and when he makes me cry he tells me to stop whining like a 2yr old and take my antidepressants.
and when he makes me upset or does ANYTHING wrong he always finds a way to turn it around to be MY fault and he tells me im ****** up in the head and that i need help.

Also when we first started dating we had sex just about every night for months.. then it went to a few times a week.. then all of the sudden it went to about once or twice in like 4 months. I could be completely naked and rubbing on him and he wouldnt even touch me. He uses the "im too tired" "i dont feel good" "maybe later" excuses..  nowadays he gets really mad if i even ask him to have sex with me. BUT if i accuse him of cheating or anything he tells me to shut up and stop acting like his ex. he claims he'd never cheat on me.. but what else am i to think??

over the past year i have found:
-nude pics of girls on his PC (girls he actually knows)
-a letter he wrote to a porn star telling her how she is the most beautiful girl in the entire world and that he wants to get into the porn business just to "work" with her.
-a whole suit-case packed full of porn dvds, wigs, "outfits", breast enhancers, a dildo, etc....
-text messages he had sent to other girls stating that he was single and that i was just an obsessed friend, also text messages he sent girls asking for sexy pictures and asking them to have sex.

there is probably more but idk. And i was stupid enough to stay with him after all of that. i have not found anything recently.. but i know for a fact that he talked to pretty girls on facebook/myspace i just dont know what he says to them.
He is getting to the point to where he doesnt like me going everywhere with him, he doesnt like to cuddle, he gets frustrated when i ask for a kiss or a hug.. BUT yet he tells me that he LOVES me and that if he didnt he's break up with me. He says he wants to marry me and everything....
How am i to believe that? and if i talk to him about ANYTHING all he says is sorry you feel that way.
He HATES my family, he HATES my friends, and he HATES when i even talk to my mother.

Ok so the problem is.. I LOVE HIM. why?? i dont know. but i have lived with him for over a year, im so accustom to the way things are that i am actually AFRAID to be without him... am i crazy?? he makes me cry all the time and im miserable.. but yet at times he can be so sweet.. and i stupidly believe him when he says he loves me.
i dont know what to do because i love him and want to be with him, but at the same time i hate him and dont know how much more emotional stress i can handle.

i dont have money so if i left id have to go back home and if i go back home, its back to fighting everyday with my parents.... so either way im not in a good place.

i just dont know what to do anymore.
Related Discussions
25 Comments Post a Comment
303824 tn?1294875001
IMHO...this guy is bad news! And it sounds like he is cheating. Of course I can't say for sure, but I had an ex that did and said pretty much everything you described. He made it sound like it was my fault and come to find out, the guilty dog barks first! You have already found proof of it and you don't need a confession from him to know the already know, but are blinded by love just like I was.

You are still young and this guy took your virginity. It's hard to let go of your "First" love/lover, but it just might be what you need to do. Trust me, there are PLENTY of good guys out there that are willing to give it their all in a relationship and won't give you the heartache this guy has. True love is very different from the "love" your bf claims to give and once you find it, you will see a HUGE difference!

686059 tn?1293837427
Relationships always start real pretty and perfect and then the real personalities surface. First of all, he is emotionally and verbally abusing you. He is being very condesending and talking down to you and I think if he mentioned the "ex" that means he is bringing into your relationship all the old bagage from his previous relationship. He might still have unresolved issues with ex and he is playing you. Yes, if you have found pron, messsages, photos of other women and you stay with him, you are a fool. He has the classic symptoms of cheating and because you love him will put up with this ****. When a man who was very sexually active stops and become distant and short, that means he is cheating.

You have become codependent on him and you are a pefect candidate for physical abuse, because he knows that you love him, he knows that you need him and he knows you have nowhere else to go and he takes advantage of this.  

You would be a fool to stay with someone who is mistreating you!  This is not love. Love shouldn't hurt and you should have self respect and value youself to not put up with anyone treating you less than what you deserve to be treated. You might love him, but in reality he does not love you...that behavior is not love.

You are worthy of respect and there as so many guys out there just waiting to meet you if you give them an opportunity. Your bf is not the end of the world and when one door closes, the other door opens.

You are to get on that phone as soon as possible. Call your parents (yes, it will feel like you are humiliating yourself, but you have to do this!!!!) and tell them you are being mistreated and need to come home immediately and don't look back.  

Please listen to our advise, you have to break up with him or he will one day physically abuse you.   Judy

184674 tn?1360864093
I don't think you "love" him, it's more the fact that you're used to what you have gone through even though you're miserable, and, like you said, you've come to a point where you're afraid to be without him. That's not love, that's being controlled. You believe him when he says he loves you and acts sweet on the rare occasion because that's what you so desperately want to hear that you gobble it up and, not necessarily believe it, but take what you can get, because that's all you get.
It's kinda like starving a pet, but giving it just enough to keep it alive and dependent on you that it won't leave, because you're all it has ever known.
I'm assuming this guy has been your first serious relationship if you lost your virginity to him? If that's the case, it also explains why you stay with him even though you're miserable--because he is all you know, and since you don't know what to expect of any change, you're afraid to even try.
There is plenty of opportunity to turn your life into a success story. You're very young still. When I was 19, I was pretty much in the same boat as you in a bad relationship with my first serious bf to whom I'd lost my virginity and with whom I'd had my first child. I too was afraid to let the relationship go.
I had no self-esteem and everything I'd ever accomplished in my life, he basically took for himself--like my college education that got me my career started and a salary...that he lived off of and contributed practically nothing to help out, and like my first house, that I officially owned and paid for and everything...he moved in (sweet-talked me into letting him) and then turned the tables on me when I wanted to kick him out, saying it was his house too because we had a "common law" marriage. I did all the work and raising of our son and he did and continues to do practically nothing or contribute anything financially. He also hated my family, friends, my pets, my hobbies...the list goes on and on.
But finally, I had enough. He treated me badly, my family badly, and our own son badly. I wasn't so concerned about myself dealing with him, even though I was miserable, but the day I realized my son would be treated like dirt by his own father was the day I kicked him out of my life. I don't regret one second of it--it was the best descision I ever made and I felt liberated beyond belief. I was finally free from that 8 year trap (yes, I'd dated him for 8 miserable years, ages 14-22...biggest waste of my life except for getting my son out of it).
Nothing is stopping you from leaving this guy. I'd highly recommend getting into counseling to build your self-confidence and assertiveness; you'll need it to stand up to jerks like him so you don't end up with any other jerks like him and continue the cycle and lead a miserable life.
Leave him, and move back in with your parents. If you argue with them too much and you can't handle that, then seek out some other options.
Do you have any friends with whom you could be roommates?
Maybe even enroll in college if you're not already, and get on a financial aid program that will include your own dorm.
There are many other opportunities for you to get out successfully. All you need to do is a little research if you're genuinely serious about leaving him. But you need to tell yourself that you are serious about leaving him and cutting off all contact COMPLETELY and PERMANENTLY--if you're not serious about leaving him, then you never will. You will keep going back to him or never leave him at all. At this point, it's up to you.
That's why I recommend counseling to help you build your self-confidence and assertiveness in your own decision-making.
Good luck to you!
686059 tn?1293837427
Also, it shows that you dated another guy in April, so I am assuming you are cheating or broke up and opened to dating?
Avatar f tn
I think you are in love with the idea of being in love.  This guy has issues, serious issues. The way he talks down to you, tells others you are an obsessed friend! Hello! Read the writing on the wall girlfriend, pack it up and haul it out! And work on that self esteem!
93654 tn?1247502934
I agree with everyone, but back up a second- what all did you find in the suitcase? What kind of "outfits"? Wigs and breast enhancers? Are we talking prosthetic boobs or some of those "gain two cup sizes with this herbal remedy!" kind of thing. I'm thinking at the very least he's dabbling in cross dressing and who knows what other paraphilias he's got going on.
684030 tn?1415615923
As dysfunctional as your family life may be, at this point, dealing with your parents may be a better option than living with the weirdo that you're with, now.
You know how the saying goes, "lesser of two evils" and that sort of thing.
231903 tn?1281486184
thank you all for your comments.. i do plan to see a psychiatrist.. i know that i should leave him, but at the same time i want it to work..
i cant get up the courage to leave him... i tryed before and i broke down and didnt do it..
im just having a REAL HARD TIME trying to convince myself to leave.

also to Judy, what do you mean it shows i had another bf in april?? i have been with David for two years now, i havent cheated on him?
Avatar n tn
How old are you? and how old is our boyfriend?
Because I was in the same situation!
I am 17 now and started dating my ex when I was 15.
They naturally are good guys... And everyone else thinks that too.
My ex is 4 years older then me. And I also moved in with him.
Bad mistake!
It took a lot to leave him. And I mean a lot.. and Im not lieing.. I still talk to him today and even see him a lot. But hes not controlling me anymore.
Its like they get ahold of you.. And you fall so much in love with them when you even think of your life without them you break down.
He was the love of my life and always will be, but you got to realize you have to have a life apart from them.
m,y ex also told me who to talk to.. and he found something wrong with any of my friend.
Honestly hunny, get a support team either of friends, family, or whatever, but I know you know that you gotta more on.
Message me with any help you need because I know exactly what it feels like to be in that situation and Im not someone just giving advice. I lived it and go through it.
good luck sweetheart. :)
Avatar f tn
This may sound a little harsh and I appologize up front for that, but at this point someone needs to say it, so, so be it.

This guy has done everything but tell you to get out. If you stay, he takes it as there not being a problem on your part. Therefore it will only get worse. Much Much worse.

If you stay with this guy, you choose to put up with it, it is not love it is dependancy, and if you stay? You deserve everything that happens with no right to complain as you have given consent for it to go on.
145992 tn?1341348674
Unfortunately, I don't have much hope for this relationship.  It's extremely dysfunctional and painful to even read your words.  There is nothing positive about any of it.  I agree whole heartedly with teko on this one, if you stay, you are basically excepting his abuse.  You even said it in your title, "its a lost cause isn't it", I believe yes it is a lost cause.  It will not get better and from the way he's treating you he doesn't have much respect for you.  So get some respect for yourself and walk away from him.  It will be hard at first but in the end, you will be a much happier person for it.
686059 tn?1293837427
No offense...I just looked at your profile as most of us do just out of curiosity and saw a message from you to Kelsie that stated: Kinda (lol), I dated some dude from Findlay, mistake, etc....dated April 19th. that's all...Judy
Avatar f tn
this guy sounds like a piece of poo. if he's treating like this now....what about when you're engaged? or worse..married? when you have kids? will he do the same thing to them? or just let them watch how he treats mommy?

for your own sanity GET OUT!!!! that is an extremely unhealthy relationship. even for him to do that if he was just plain wrong. my hubby isn't even that mean to me when he's mad and he has ptsd and anger issues!
231903 tn?1281486184
I  will be 20 on tuesday, and he just turned 27 in march. so he is 7 years older than me. and the guy from findlay i was talking about was way back in 2003.
i have just been sitting around waiting to see if things get better or not.. i mean cuz for some reason i feel like he WANTS to change but idk.. i just dont know if im ready to give up on him..
he has been trying to go to church every sunday and what not... and i feel bad because his dad used to abuse his mother and treat his sister as a "thing" not a person just because she is MRDD. then his dad left them when David was 10 after threatning to kill them... so he has had a somewhat rough childhood.. although that should be no excuse for what he's done and does..
im way to forgiving and thats whats got me stuck in this mess because im too stubborn to leave.. maybe i do deserve it.
Avatar f tn
if you don't leave than it will continue. so you either have to put up with it or put your foot down and say enough.
Avatar f tn
Your young, move on and get away from this guy as far as possible. If you stay with him, you will only leave yourself open to be more hurt in the furture. You dont deserve to be treated the way your bf is treating you. And like teko said, he's pretty much given you all the signs that he wants you out. I just dont think you need to be treated like this, you deserve way much better then he has to offer.
730826 tn?1317946934
he beginning of what you said sounded ok, till when you said what you found. The dvds arent that bad but the rest, any one of those things are means for dumping. I have a problem with DH talking to other girls even knowing they are old friends and he doesnt say anything suggestive. THAT would throw me over the edge. Did you confront him about the texts at the time and say  WTF?

You can find better, DO IT. :)
231903 tn?1281486184
yes i did confront him about EVERYTHING.
he says its my fault that he did those things because i "cheated" on him. although i DID NOT. but he believes my old 14yr old friend over me. and she told him i cheated because she wanted me to be with my ex not him. so she was trying to break us up.
and about the texts and stuff... he still used the excuse that its cuz i cheated or that im just crazy and is seeing stuff... yeah. idk. and if i ask why he's not affectionate he says im too sensitive and i "think" i need it but i dont.
Avatar n tn
I did that exact thing about 7 years ago with a 7 year relationship. EXACT. I learned a lot from it. I became stronger because of it. Pack your bags, time to leave before it gets worse. Cause it does... I know it is hard and I am sure you won't listen to me, because I would not have. But pack your stuff. Tell him to go F* himself and go find someone better.
432097 tn?1318552340
I am going to be the first one to say this on here, but you won't listen to anyone on here, and you will stay until something really bad happens, as if it already hasn't.  Do you know why?  Because you are continually making excuses for the way he is.  You've already made up your mind, and I feel really sorry for you, and I don't mean that sarcastically.

He has already gotten into your pretty little head that you can't make it on your own, that you are stupid and unworthy, except for those little scraps of bones he throws at you every once in a while to keep you there, that you are a nobody and that probably everything is your fault.  Am I not correct???  Plus, you are in love with love, because you lost your virginity to him and that is a big deal to a woman.

I pray to God you wise up, he actually DOES care about you, believe it or not, probably even WOULD marry you, but he needs help first.  He doesn't even know how to treat a woman, do you know what he would do to your kids?

I grew up as a "mistake", and lived with guilt all my life.  Then, because I didn't know any better, I married a man that was abusive like your boyfriend.  He also watched abuse in his household, and that's what he learned.

I thought I was the biggest piece of s---- that ever lived, and it probably was my fault.  Was he cheating???  ABSOLUTELY!!  And so is your boyfriend, how can you look at all that evidence and actually let him talk you into believing that he isn't.  If you saw that on a girlfriends cell phone, and she asked you your opinion, what do you think you would say to her?  You'd ask her if she was a complete stupid idiot!!!

Church or no church, he's just doing baby steps, he needs EXTREME therapy, and he needs to get it ALONE, not involved with anyone, not living with anyone, and not as a couple.  This is HIS issues, not yours.  You have done nothing wrong, no one deserves to be treated this way.

Yeah, you may have to go back to your parents, but you can start looking for work, maybe find a person willing to be a roommate, and get out soon, it can't possibly be as bad as where you are now.

Oh, incidently, I took it from my ex too, believed what I thought I wanted to believe, stayed and wasn't even allowed out of the house or on the phone.  Yeah, all the things you are putting up with now.  

What FINALLY did it was, I got pregnant (a pill baby), and we got into a horrible fight in the car, and he opened the passenger side and pushed me out, we were going about 30 miles an hour.  I was 6 1/2 months pregnant, and immediately went into labor.  My daughter and I both almost died.  She weighed 1 1/2 pounds, and that was in 1974, when children that small didn't live.  By the grace of God, she made it, but she was in intensive care for 3 months, I was in for a month, and we brought her home at 3 lbs.

STILL, I didn't leave, that's how scared and stupid I was.  Then, finally, one day, I walked towards her room from the kitchen because she was crying.  I heard this "noise", like thumping lightly, like on sheets.  I went around the corner very slowly, and he was hitting her on the butt because she was crying.  SHE WAS 3 POUNDS!!!

Do you know what I did?  I went out to the car, got a tire iron and cold cocked him in the head and knocked him cold.  Then, I called a friend, they came and got us, and I got the hell out of there.  Then, I had to listen to him crying and whining about how much he really loved me, and our daughter, and he was REALLY gonna try this time, and would I give him another chance, and blah, blah, blah.  He actually stalked me for awhile.  But, I was done!!

Do you think this boyfriend of your won't hurt your children?   Think again, he will probably hurt you for getting pregnant, because then he's really trapped.

He's controlling, abusive, sick and needs long term help, and you need to pick up your boot straps and get the hell out of there while you still can.  Cry later, but get out now.

Have you heard of many abuse storied that had a happy ending, if the guy didn't truly try to help himself?  NO!!!  The ending always turns out the same, and that's what's going to happen to you.

Trust me on this one, and good luck to you  and God Bless you.
You think he won't hurt your children
231903 tn?1281486184
i dont even know what to say after that....
Avatar f tn
You dont have to say anything, seriously think about what you are doing! YOU cannot change this situation. Your only option is to leave. Now the choice is yours.
902589 tn?1268152453
Don't even try to fix the relationship. YOU CAN"T FIX IT! and of course he's turning the cheating situation around on you!   he won't have sex with you, he treats you like ****, he tells other girls that he's single, he has sex toys that he never introduced to you, he has naked pictures of women he knows?? HE IS CHEATING ON YOU! How much more proof do you need? Do you need to actually see him in bed with someone else before you allow yourself to believe it? You know he's cheating, stop deluding yourself!

Your relationship is a joke. Sorry to be so harsh but this guy doesn't care one bit about you. The only thing he wants is to use you, and he's getting what he wants because you are letting him. There is NOTHING you can do to change your relationship.

As to him going to church, no offense but going to church does not mean he is going to change. he is most likely going to church so that he can "show you" that he is "changing" I put those words in quotations because it's a big joke, and the joke is on you and it's not funny. Now I'm not saying church can't help him, it can. But it'll ONLY help if he is serious about changing his life, but I highly doubt he is. Obviously by your post after that he is NOT changing! he needs therapy, and HE needs to do it for HIMSELF! He will never change for YOU, he can only change for himself. Be wary because he may say he is trying to change, just to keep you with him.

and i'm sorry but like teko said If you stay in this relationship then it is YOUR fault if anything happens to you, and I'm pretty sure the worst is yet to come. This guy needs to work his problems out on his own, and you need to get out anyway you can. you do not love him, you depend on him and you are used to his treatment for you and that's sad.

Get away from him asap and get some therapy for self esteem. it'll be hard to cut the ties but you need to do it. Once your out. Don't talk to him, don't see him don't read his email don't have ANYTHING to do with him. If he calls, don't answer and erase his message without listening to it, if he tries to stop by DON"T ANSWER THE DOOR. If need be get a restraining order if he doesn't take the hint. he will probably try to take you back saying he's "changed" and he's "sorry" and he "loves you", and trust me it's absolute ********! He'll want you back because he lost his favorite toy, and that's all you are to him, an object for his amusement.

Unfortunately nothing i can say will make up you mind as to what you are going to do. It's up to you to take charge and stand up for yourself! You are not worthless, there are many many men out there who will treat you as you should be treated! this guy is just one of the slums of the earth, and you do NOT need him in your life. Stand on your own!

Good luck and I pray to God you take our advise and get out.
145992 tn?1341348674
You know how many people try to "change" someone.  People can't change people, only you can do it for yourself.  So like megochick said, if he wants to make changes he will have to do it on his own because he will want to do it.  I don't know why so many of us women, I'm not sure how many men do it, but we feel this need to help someone or try to fix someone.  Maybe we think we are all powerful creatures or that we have the power or ability to change someone when they have been the way they are for their entire lives so far.  It's like a project, so when they do change, which they never do, we can say, yep, I helped him, I took care of him.  I think it's in our nature because we are maternal creatures but then we lose ourselves during the whole process.  You are too young to be wasting your life on an abusive man.  Eventually that love you have for him will grow to hate and disgust because you will realize you have spent your time on a lost cause and you will have missed out on your own living.  What a sad life to live.
Avatar f tn
This sounds a lot like a relationship that I was in from 18years-23years of age.
My suggestion? RUUNN!!
I agree with the comment about co-dependecy because I have been a great book called 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beattie that cleared a lot of things up for me. :-)
I would suggest to just get away from him, change your phone number and block him out of any other means of communication with you.  All the things he told you are, unfortunately LIES.  I tried to leave the guy I was dating many times and he would block my exits and even hold my dog hostage to keep me there.  
Come to find out he was cheating the last 2 years we were together with a girl out of state (found this out after getting into debt to help him, etc. etc.).
So, get away from him, it ***** but there is no other way and
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE for not 'making it work' it is not your job to make it work!! Relationships should be 2-sided, give and take, all he will do is take.  
Oh, and I don't even need antidepressants and anxiety meds anymore since I'm done with that :-) (I used to have panic attacks because of the stress).
I wish you the best of luck, just take care of YOU and read that book!
Post a Comment
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
Top Relationships Answerers
973741 tn?1342346373
13167 tn?1327197724
Austin, TX
1268057 tn?1462734870
3060903 tn?1398568723
3149845 tn?1452625053
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar f tn