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just friends

I have a close male friend we've been friends for about 5-6 years now I am also very friends with his ex and knew them while they were dating. We were always pretty cool me him and his ex would hang out togeather he would frequently call and once he got a car he started drving to my place to visit. Even once I moved cities and he had moved out of state we kept in close contact. We bonded over alot of things because we both ended a serious three year realtionship about the same time. We had always talked but after things ended something changed I think I started confiding in him a bit more heavily because we had known each other longer in combination that I was going through a really difficult time,...thats when we started to relaise we had somethings in common,...similar insecurites and views about politics rleationships education things we had never really dicussed before then,..It was kinda neat and it nice knowing their is someone else to share my views and beliefs with however after a while he started asking me out....
at first it was all quaint and cute like you should let me take you out sometime....Its nice to know someone things I have a pretty face but it started becoming more and more persistant we continued to hangout on the weekends and chat on the phone,...I noticed more changes he would take pictures of me with his phone and set them to the background he started complimenting me more. I'm not the type that was easily anoyed however after a while it started to bother me...mostly because he started getting jelous of other guys that I choose to sleep with or date.
We had always been able to talk about sex and realtionships before, but I started having to shut out and away from him; because he seemed hurt offended and It started to feel harder and harder to confide in him. I know hes a really great guy but. Im not sexaully attracted to him whatsoever,the thought of touching him alone makes me uncomfortable. First I tried to hide this from him.1) I feel like its really rude to say that to someone on top of the fact that I really don't want to hurt his feelings. Me and him both bond over the fact that we are kinda sensitive. I
know I'd feel really hurt if someone I cared about said that to me. I was in a realtionship before were I felt my significant other made comments about my weight bein an issue. So I know how much it can hurt
and I still felt insecure by it sometimes even after the realtionship ended.(I would never wish that apon another person) but I can't change how I feel somehow there a connnection between my feelings both sexual and mental and me being attracted to someone.......Sometimes I wish it weren't true simply out of the fact that I somehow feel,
like I'm judging and shallow. (I don't just feel that way I know I am a tad shalow in my heart yes.)
and yeah I feel like a hypocrite ugly guys tend to make great boyfirends
Its really a shame, but I can't just change who I am. I think that alot of people are required to be attracted to someone they are with, not all but alot. Anyways, he continued asking and persisting about things fianally after months leading up to close to a year I was running out of excuses; and thats when I fianllly started to confide in him. He just said why didn't you tell me I'd be willing to get in shape for you.I explained to him that I'm not the type of woman who gets with a partner and tries to change them. I feel like that is imature and demanding. In relationships people compromise and thats one thing but flat out asking someone change just for the sake of me bein shallow no thats not acceptable or very nice for that matter. But I told him all of this as nicely as I could while being honest and then he says
"you mean you don't notice someones personality first you know, when their nice to you but suddenly after you start talking with them you say wow and she also has a pretty face,or wow shes really cute"
and I just said ummmm no not reallly, and that I think that is a rare quality when it comes to guys,
they tend to notice the body first. Thats when I ask weren't you attracted to your ex he said no I liked her for her mind.
I just said how does that work exactly???? And we continued disscusing it he just says "well I guess you love them just the same as if they were hot." But I think its diffrent for guys because looks are a sex thing
so they can contunie to have a realationship romanticly and just close their eyes when they....well you know the rest...But I'm unsure of what to say this persisted further still to him calling everyday asking if we could just try it go out for a week. And if it doesn't work we'll go back to being friends.
I told him this could ruin our friendship. I kept asking him how he would feel if we could no longer be friends.
He gave a combative argument that the benifit outweighed the risk but I told him it would be devastating to loose the closest friend I've ever had. His breakup between him and his ex still affects me sometimes too because she no longer wants to speak to him so we used to hangout in groups but no we can't anymore. I really didn't like the idea of that happening again. I thought about it and started trying to work my way around it as I became more desprate to get my friend back.I considerred embelishing the idea dating him for a week and then telling him it didn't work out.but he is deathingly stobborn and it just seems risky something might happen where he would take things to personal again.and then I'm outted my best friend so instead
I tried to explain that I wouldn't want to be physically affectionate to someone I'm not attracted to. And don't have feelings for. And he has already explained to me thats what he wants in a realtionship. He gets jelous a or easily upset and I try my hardest to offer solance I don't like him bein upset cuz it makes me sad. He kept saying imagine if you really loved someone and you weren't even given a chance. The thing is I already know where he is comming from I've felt that way before,but I just I want this to stop. So recently we both got into new realtionships at first both of us seemed happy.I know I was my new bf and me have a lot in common. We play video games and watch tv togeather.
He takes me out to dinner every weekend alot of guys don't feel its nessary to do this but mine doesn't seem to mind.
so far we've been dating almost 6 months and
hes very sincere and fair with me. Hes in school and pulls straight A's and he will graduate at the end of this school year. But my best friends girl well shes nice but they pretty much don't have anything in common. I just wounder
if this is really going to last because his girl is VERY sweet but they have contrasting personalities and she is incredibly emtoionally imature.
I like the idea he has a gf now because he seems much less jelous but unfotunately
its still a problem.
Even last weekned I told him about my bf and he got jelous and said he didn't wanna hangout with me. I could tell
it was cuz he was jelous,...but it hurt my feelingsand we had to discuss it again;
Until I fainally hamered the point that we hang out every saturday since as far as I can rmeber back. I know you aren't busy tommarow so tell me what this is really about,....fianlly after 20 mintues I was able to make him feel better again
I already know he isn't doing this on purpose,...and i've been thinking about maybe turning him over to the same dating website I ment my current bf off of I still hold the theory that if he finds someone he feels compatable with he will loose the idea that we should be lovers. I don't like condoning him to cheat on his gf or seek out other girls (she has become my friend and calls me almost dialy.
But I really just want my old friend back. The one I had for almost four years before this started happening. Is there anyway I can fix or solve this because I'm unsure of what to do and this has been going on almost two years

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7 Comments Post a Comment
686059 tn?1293837427
Hi this is the longest post I've ever read here! After read your post, this is a friendship that could have turned into a relationship easily, BUT it's obvious that you don't share the safe feelings as your friends. He is obviously in love with you and want's more. The best relationships begin as friends, where you get to know each other and then get use to being around each other and so forth.

It's really important to communicate effectively with him in a way where you are going to get your message across, maintain the friendship that you value and trust and keep him as a good friend that you appreciate and value him soley as a good friend and do not send any type of mix single that may lead him to believe that their might be hope for a relationship. I also recommend that you stay out of his new relationship and let him find out for himself if this girl is good for him or not. You both are spending way too much time in each other's personal and has resulted in great friendship, mix signals, way too much time in each other lives and make sure not to get involved in each other's new relationships.  Good luck...Judy
686059 tn?1293837427
Sorry, me & my typos' "After carefully reading your post, it's a relationship that could have turned into a relationship don't share the SAME feelings".
145992 tn?1341348674
Judy is so good :), I couldn't say it any better.  I will add though.  Don't feel upset or sad that you aren't attracted to him.  You can't help who you are drawn to and you're right, if you're not physically attracted to him, it won't work.  I want to reiterate what Judy said about his current relationship, don't get involved.  If things don't work out between the two of them then you don't want to be the reason it didn't.  Let them see on their own that it's not going to work.  I had a friend who was very in love with me.  I loved hanging out with him, we had the same personality, we made each other laugh, we liked spending time together but no matter what, it always got difficult because he wanted to be with me as more and always pressured me to give him a chance.  Every time we hung out we ended up in an argument and I always felt bad.  So I would suggest not spending as much time together and he would get upset and tell me that he will leave it alone but it still always got to the same place.  The night I met my fiance I was with my guy friend and it led into some big fight and eventually I had no choice but to distance myself from my guy friend because I could tell I was hurting him.  I felt bad talking to him about my new bf and just knew that we would never be close the way we used to be again.  It was hard but I knew for both of our sakes, it had to be done.  So I stopped calling him or hanging out with him alone and eventually he moved on.  He found a girlfriend and now they are married with a new baby.  So your friend will eventually move on as well but I feel it's going to happen more so if you separate yourself from him for awhile.  It doesn't have to be completely, but gradually pull away.  I know you will feel sad because he is a good friend but the friendship has already changed.  He's not the same, it's not the same.  Hopefully over time, he will find someone he truly cares for or his feelings for you will dwindle and disappear and he will be able to have that friendship with you without having the desire to want a romantic relationship.  At first he's going to be sad and wonder why you are pulling away, just be honest with him.  Tell him you feel it's best right now that you take some time apart to focus on your relationships.  That you love him dearly and will miss him but he wants more from you and you can't give him what he wants.  He will deny it of course but you tell him that you can feel the difference and miss your friendship the way it was before.  Tell him you hope to one day get to that place again and you are here if he ever needs you but you need some time.  I think it's for the best of the both of you. If he's a great friend like you say he is, you won't lose him forever.  Good luck.
902589 tn?1268152453
it's clear that your friend loves you, and wants more as you well know. Also don't feel bad, you can't help who you are attracted to and who you have feelings for, like mami said. I also agree that you need to slow down the contact with him. Don't bring up your boyfriend as it obviously hurts him and don't tell him everything about your life. Tell your boyfriend your thoughts and feelings as he should be the one you are turning to the most, not your friend. In time once the contact between you and your friend is lessened, he will start to heal and move on. You may have to end up stopping contact all together so that he can basically get over you.

You are not helping the situation by being in constant contact with him and telling him all the details of your dating life. You need to be his friend and help him get over you, and the most likely way to do that is to let him live his life without you, or with less of you. Focus on the relationship you're in now and let him do the same. Hopefully it'll work out for both of you.
Avatar f tn
I read your post very carefully, I really do not think that you and he can have a freindship, as he will want more, no matter what you say, and he will hang around hoping, and it would not be fair to either of you, so i may sound harsh, but it is time to let him go  luck  jo
686059 tn?1293837427
Awwwwww Mami, thanks, "Sisterhood in advice"!!!! Thanks and haved a great weekend all...Judy
539549 tn?1315985262
Thanks for all the advice does make me feel a little better... I think I can handle it for now because the phone calls have lessened  we do normally hangout on saturdays because he typically calls but we don't normally talk durring the week now..... if this does return to how it used to be however I feel I will have no chocie but to sever the friendship so im hoping it doesn't.I was at the end of my rope with the whole feelings thing and whatknot but my friend met his new girlfriend her name is carmen....she is 25 amiable innocent and carries herself well but sice but she has never worked or driven a car and she was a vigin when they sometimes her expectations are a bit high in terms of she wants him to go out and drive her places alot like to clubs or concerts and things along those lines and it winds up costing alot in drinks gas and food. I don't think she relaises this because she is so sheltered. However me and my best friend are thinking this will change soon because she is graduating college by the end of this year (I do think she is a good thing for him becasue I feel its raised his confidence)...but he says he doesn't love her the same as he would me or his previous girlfriend I think its because he sometimes feels he can't relate to her....(I often feel the same way around her to be honest) he thinks these feelings will change with time....I'm not as certian they will last in a long term commited relationship if he feels he is unfufilled
I don't tell him this tho because, well this is the
type of thing a person normally figures out with real world experience.....I don't typically mention boyfirneds as much.. I think I used to mention them alot more because we met as teenagers (relationships can often seem like a novelty at that age) but we are now becomming adults...
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