lack of love n attention

[bluegrey123]

hi, i m been married for two years.. we were together since college for 9yrs now....i just had  a miscarriage. My husband says he loves me but he doesnot show any love and affection.i nag him all the time for love n attention which leads to fights.my husband has lots of female frens..of which some were interested or are interested in him n he enjoys that. i have become so suspicious of him that everything he does i feel is related to those girls n think he is having affair.when we were seeing each other few years back (we were based in different towns) he did have somebody taking care of him but he denies that they were dating..i dont know..though she is married now...i want to get him back and love me n give attention like before...i plan to conceive after few months again n dont want to b stressed.... please help.

[bluegrey123]

thanks a lot for u advises....i shall try and work on our marriage..i will make it work..thansk..now i have all of ur support this has made me feel much better after sharin wit u all..thanks again///will update /

[specialmom]

You know, I just think you have to be really strong here.  If I was unhappy about my husband (and marriage is a legally binding committment) going out with friends all of the time--- I'd go along.  Make yourself available.  Then you will see what it is all about.  He may not like it and I would make sure he explained why.  Your only other option is to give him an ultimatum to stop.  And you have to be prepared to follow through.  

Affection is one of those things----  some people just aren't.  Was he like that as you married him (understanding that he probably gave you more, but that it wanes a little bit as years go on)?  

I also would think about what things YOU could do in life that bring you joy----  hobbies you are passionate about, your career, working out etc.  (babies don't count because if you bring a baby into a marriage that you yourself say is having trouble, that is NOT fair to a baby).  If you work on yourself as well -----  you will be a stronger person to deal with the marriage issues.  Then you will have other things to bring you confidence as well.

[bluegrey123]

thanks judy.i said that but then he doesnot say anythin.he takes me for granted..i guess he knows i will not leave hiim..if not for him for our families sakes..noone in our family knows whats happening between us..though his mother suspects something is wrongas we r alwasy quarreling..i dontw nat to tell her or any member of the family becos if his family knows he will get good from his father n dont want to worry my family by tellling them..i would liek to solve this between ourselves but doubt if anythin can be done..my husband thinks we ahve no problem at all between us n says its me who is creating everythin in my mind...how do u think i can fix him..i tried goin out with my frens n comin home late once but domnt feel comfortable n worry about my inlaws as we live with them..tell em ways to make him jealous n come back to me..

[Judy246]

remember...reverse the situation on him to take care of not you. Tell him, I want this to stop immediate and what are you going to do to resolve this issue. Reverse it on him to fix. Judy

[Judy246]

Life is precious and a gift. Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is when you do not have the proper copeing skills necessary to what in reality IS a temporarity situation. In other words, this too shall pass and if you are thinking suicide you are not stable enought to bring an innocent baby into the world. No man is worth your precious life. Suicide will hurt the ones you love the most, your family and your hubby would probably move on within time, so don't be foolish and waist your gift of life on someone who is not worth it and is just a man. He is living the life of a single man and those day for him are over and his female friends have to go now. Demand it, not tell him. Demand that his female friends and outings are destroying the marriage and you want him to take care of it immediately or risk losing you. Either they go or you go and mean it. Tell him you no longer will live feeling insecure in the relationship and with other women even if the are friends coming between you and him and your marriage. Take control of the situation and up the results on him. Good luck

[bluegrey123]

thanks a lot judy..well i want a baby..not to hold him but i always wanted one..n i was so excited when i conceived but shattered when i had miscarriage...last Saturday i told him "i dont like him keepin in touch with those frens of his n if he wants to save teh marriage and work on it, he has to cut off all the contacts with him otherwise our marriage is over"...he has not called me or met since then (at teh moment i m stayin at my parents place, not becos of our problesm but to take care of teh house), though that nite he went out with his frens (guys) n one of my girlfren(very gud fren of mine who gives me all teh reports)one thing is he doesnt take m serious becos i always tell him about separating whne i m angry not tha i mean it but he doesnt says. i love him so much that i dont think will eb happy wit out him also..i m confused...i sometime think of committing sucide but worry about my parents n family...what to do

[Judy246]

Wow, do you have a lot going on. I'm going to break down your post so that you can see it from my perspective ok.

* Married
* Suffered a great loss...miscarriage (traumatic experience and loss)
* Due to your husbands lack of affection, you acknowledge "nagging him all the time"
  leads to arguments and fights (your the problem here!)   (Red flag!).
* Husband has female friends (Red flag!). He's high risk for infidelity and your insecurity
  over this is justifiable.
* You want him back and his attention.
* You want to conceive. (Make sure that you both want to conceive and not use a
   baby to attempt to hold on to your husband)...I mean no disrespect for my bluntness
   this is how I read your post.

Ok, your jelousy and insecurity over your husband is justifiable, because he is a high risk for infidelity. I think it's unexceptable and inconsiderate of him to have many female friends, which will result in the cause of these feelings for you. I feel that you are attempting to get pregnant to possibly hold on to your husband and that's not a good reason to bring a child into his world. A child should be brough into this world with loving parents and a functional, stabled home. Love, respect, trust and communication are the foundation of a healthy relationship and it's time for you to have a "discussion" with him and tell him that you feel it's necessary for both of you to seek the advise of a marriage counselor. If he find it necessary to have all these female friends then there are deeper problems in the relationshp that need to be address. You also seem overbearing towards him with insecurities that push him away. You need a counselor to sort out the problems in your marriage and possibly have some reconsiliation, if he truly loves you. If he loves you, but is no longer "in" love with you, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and what is best for both of you. Good Luck

[bluegrey123]

thanks specialmom..its not that he wanted her to do things for him n he used to not live alone..we was living with one of our college frens in a flat..she used to do forcefully guess he enjoyed it...maybe she thought he wud be impressed by her behavior but since nothing happened (i dont know) she decided to get married..to someone else...i dont i m really confused..this is all 3 -4 yrs ago things..but everytime topic comes out i get angry//.

[specialmom]

Try those things.  But let me caution you----  babies never improve a relationship.  They are so wonderful and a joy to have, but they put additional stress on a relationship usually.  Have one because you want to start a family----  not to improve your relationship.  Quite frankly, in the early years----  this will take his focas off of you even more.  I understand you are 30----  but only have a baby for the right reason.

Good luck.

ps:  not sure about a man who needs someone to take care of him (and yes, there was probably more too it).  Make sure you don't fall into that role.  

[bluegrey123]

Thanks mami n special mom..i will try to follow ur advises...maybe u r rite..me naggin is not letting me get teh love n affaection....i love him a lot and he says he too does..but he calls his love "mature love" thast not showing ...he used to lovey dovey when we started seeing eachother..that was 9 years ago..but after that he was not much of romantic kind..guess thats him...what i meant by taking care..i emant in literal sense..i belive she used to come up to his place..clean the house..wash clothes n send him cooked food..i dont about the sex part..though he never admits that he slept with anybody but i think he did..i dont know if that just my thoughts..though we were both virgin when we met..this girl was very much interested in him n also she knew i was his girlfren..but then she married and is now settled.so i dont know if they did have anythin in between..well thank u for ur advises again..will try to work out...another thing i was thinking..maybe a bay wud make him more loving that why i m desperately tryin got baby also i m already 30 yrs n wud want to have soon...thanks guys

[mami1323]

Thanks specialmom, you know that's my true passion in life...lol.  I think "taking care of him" means, she was having sex with him and that was taking care of those needs.  Or I could be wrong.

[specialmom]

Wow Mami----  you should be a therapist!!  good advice.  I would just second that 'friendship' is pretty impossible when one party is interested in the other romantically. They settle for friendship while they plot for the other. My husband had lots of female friends when we got together.  He had lots of those 'interested' friends, so to speak.  They stroked his ego ---  I am sure.  My husband is that loyal guy who once we were engaged-----  didn't pay much attention to those interested friends----  they all fell away like flies.  He has a couple of good female friends but they befriended me as well and now we are all friends----  he has no contact with the others.  It happened naturally-----  but I would have forced the issue for the sake of our marriage if need be.  
I think working on  your communication here is really important.  If someone or something makes you uncomfortable ----  you should be able to talk about it openly.  Not nagging or being upset, just share your feelings and listen to his.  
There are different levels of affection that people desire.  Again, talk about this but don't nag----  Mami is right.  No one wants to cuddle because they feel like they have to.  Did he seem more affectionate to you before and this is a big change or has he always been this way.

Also, you said something I think is really odd. He had a woman "taking care of him" while you were dating.  That is a bit of a red flag.  Not sure what that means . . .

[mami1323]

Well your first problem is that you nag your husband for love and affection.  You can't force anyone to give you that, it has to come naturally from him.  Some people aren't as loving as others.  His level of affection may not be compatible with yours.  Plus, men are turned off by clingy women and the more you ask him to do it the more he won't want to.  Just give him some space and if you want a hug or a kiss than go in for it.  Don't have such high expectations that he will do it first.  Now the next issue is the fact that he has all these girls that he says are friends.  Well he's definitely crossing the line being friends with females that are interested in him.  He obviously likes the attention he gets and that's very dangerous.  I wouldn't be surprised if he is having an affair with one of them.  Do you have proof?  My only advice would be to see if he would be willing to work through the issues you have.  If he's unwilling to give up these "friends" of his than that will tell you a lot about how much he wants to work on the marriage.  He will get away with as much as you allow him to.  Also, I would hold off on any baby making.  Babies are so stressful as is and put a lot of strain on the healthiest of relationships.  You wouldn't want to bring a child into a marriage that has this many issues.  First work on the relationship and then when you guys are doing better, then think about having kids.  Another thing, men and women handle the loss of a pregnancy much differently.  Some men find it hard to express their true emotions or like to be perceived as stronger emotionally.  He may be just as upset but doesn't show it as easily as you.  Again, this goes back to how you both aren't exactly compatible with your feelings.