living together for 10 months now

[mrjames1970]

I have been living with my partner for ten months now , we sleep in different rooms we have had  no sex in the past three months , we decided to sleep in different rooms because he was keeping me awake from getting up in the night to have a smoke then coming back to bed waking me up smelling of cigarettes , which would drive me mad, i have to laugh now but at the time it was not funny . in my past relationships living with someone we would have sex everyday, i don,t mind not having sex, it just feels a bit strange to me , i tell my self is it important. I love him and i know he loves me  ,he has told me that in the past he has been raped 15 times ,this could be the reason i guess , but we did have sex for the first seven months so im a bit confused .  I have asked him did he get help from anyone ie seeing a counsellor he told me no , i have said that i will stand by him what ever he wants , the voice in side me  says what about me which is my inner child , the adult say i will stand by him . any answers ?

[Nighthawk61]

i don't think it's optimal to start out your life together in separate bedrooms, sounds very very lonely to me (for you)
is there no way that he can get help to get to sleep, say go to a doctor?
work out during the day, and stay more active,
get up earlier, so he'll be in bed earlier and be able to sleep
he sounds like a kid that gotten into bad sleeping habits,
so i'd work on that immediately...
seems to me if he cares he'd submit to working that out..right?

as for going to school, i think that's great, you're a good friend to him to get him going in that direction,

if you're walking him to and from school, because he needs you to, then i guess that means that you are willing to be with a person who has special needs, if you've thought that out, and it is by choice, then here's to you being a caretaker, Many women would not, they would be more concerned with having their own children, rather than to treat a spouse as one would a child. Again, if that is your choice, power to you. But, if this is happening to you, and you did not expect it, or know that it would go this way, and you're thinking at any time that it is not what you have your heart set on, know that you can be his friend,, set him up to succeed, get him into therapy, where they can help him to understand why you may not want to commit yourself for the long run, or any further at all, other than as a GOOD FRIEND.

I'm so sorry that he's  been raped in the past. So sad. And of course he would be suffering from PTSD. and of course he needs help with that. Maybe you could find him a therapist, and arrange for an appointment,. Then without telling him prior to the time, just say, Listen, I've got a friend that I want you to talk to about your past. and see if he'll go for it. Stranger things have happened.

In some situations, allowing a loved one to not get the help that they need is called enabling. Are you enabling him to not get help for himself.

[specialmom]

Oh, and I was thinking about my comments.  I hope I didn't come off insensitive.  I feel badly that he has these troubles!  I so hope he gets help for them.

But I worry about you in this situation and what this lifestyle can mean for you. :>)  good luck hon

[specialmom]

Yes, I must say that I am struck by his neediness and dysfunction.  I'm glad he is taking a class but find it troubling that this is such a big leap for him at this point in his life.  We can  cheer him on but tying your life to his sounds like you are setting yourself up for a lot of issues.  That he needs to be walked to his class and home is also troubling.  He's not your patient or your child.  He's supposed to be your equal hon.  

He's refused psychological help which it sounds like he clearly needs.

I believe we date for a reason.  To rule people in or out of our lives in terms of if we should go the distance with them.  NOT everyone we are with should we be with long term.  This relationship will become cumbersome or as captain says, a burden to you.  How can you grow when you have someone so 'stuck' in an emotionally stunted place holding you down?

I encourage you to think about this.  You can care for someone and love them and know that it isn't a good situation for you to be in.  

Do you have issues regarding safety and people?  Because this situation isn't one a lot of women would be interested in being in.  Unless they want to know 100 percent that their partner isn't going anywhere (because he doesn't want to leave the house) or will ever cheat on them (because he doesn't talk to people).  Have you been cheated on or had some kind of traumatic emotional issue in a relationship yourself that is causing you to  be with him?  

good luck.  

[mrjames1970]

thankyou , he is starting a collage course so  he maybe able to speak to someone there .

[mrjames1970]

thankyou i will give him time .

[Londres70]

Mrjames,

Sounds like this person has come with A LOT of baggage.  In my opinion he should be on his own working through his issues and isn't really in any position to be in a relationship at this time.

The major red flag is he won't seek help.

[mrjames1970]

Hi no he has never been in prison , he told me he was sent a way for two years as he was self harming him self also with drug  issues ,that was over 15 years ago , he is a kind person , loves animals .he would  do anything for anyone , but with helping him self he is not , im trying but he is a grown man its up o him , he has started a dress making course so thats positive .

[mrjames1970]

Thank you for getting back , i also smoke but not as many but the smell does make me feel sick i have to carry lavender oil around with me as i see it as unclean ,i do yoga , and meditate i swim everyday i know the smoking is not good for me  but that's my demon i have to deal with  it , i will give up . But with being woken up in the past  more than twice a night  was hard work , my partner has epilepsy and polyposis i also think he has depression he keeps him self to him self up stairs in the attic he has just got him self on a dress making course i will be glad to walk with him to collage and meet him to build his confidence up , im really pleased for him , but like i said before we have only been together ten months , as the saying goes you dont know a person until you have lived with them .

[TTinKKerBBell]

Perhaps this is not the partner for You?  You need to ask YourSelf if You are willing to live with these issues for the rest of Your life.  

Sex is/will be important in the long run
and living with a smoker when You are a non-smoker is/will be important in the long run

Have You asked Him if He's willing to address both these issues.  As I said, both these are B I G issues - You must communicate with one another and be open in Your discussion about these major issues.

GoodLuck

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, was he in prison? As those incarcerated for many years might need some therapy to help with social skills and getting close to someone may take time.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Sorry you are having these issues.  I have a question, if you are a non smoker and can't stand the smell of smoke, why are you living with a smoker?  :>)  I ask that because I am a nonsmoker and when you don't smoke, the smell is very pungent.  For some, it is outright offensive.  I never dated a smoker beyond a date or two because I knew that would be an issue.  If you can't sleep with him because he gets up at night to smoke, that is an issue, obviously.

What does he say about this?  If you don't mind the rest of the day---  could you ask him to not smoke during the night.  Does he have insomnia that he has to smoke in the middle of the night?  Could he use a patch or chew nicotine gum at that time instead?  Would you say he has anxiety or depression?  What do you think fuels the insomnia and night waking for a smoke?  

Secondly, that is too bad about his being raped many times.  that certainly causes some emotional scars.  I see he never had therapy for this---  he needs to.  Even if it is hard to talk about, he needs to.    Does he consider himself a sexual person?  Does he want to have a sex life with you?

I agree it is important for intimacy but if a couple is not having sex and are okay with it, I also think that is okay to.  

I would decide if you want a sexual relationship or not and discuss your true feelings openly with him. Then it becomes something you two can work on together.  

good luck hon