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lost and confused
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lost and confused

So I was with my soul mate for 8 years. He has a drug problem. About a year ago he was released from jail and I gave him another chance. We have a child together. Things were good. I didn't trust him cuz he had stolen from both his family and mine and my kids but I was willing to give it another chance. Well he decided to look up and old girl friend on facebook, they went to a movie so I kicked him out. This started his spiral back into heroin. Ok so I met the most perfect man. Good with my kids I'm good with his but my heart isnt in it. We have been together for a year and there are a ton of minor things that annoy me and I'm just not happy. My ex bfs mom died. I was close to her. My ex bf has been back in jail since august . I got him out for the funeral and all the good feelings came back. My ex will need a few years to get his **** together. We want to be together. I told my bf how I felt about my ex. Now we aren't talking.  Soo do I let him go now yeah right before Xmas or hang on to the good man? I think I should let him go cuz it's not fair to him if my heart isn'tt there whether I end up back with my ex or not
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Avatar_f_tn
Also my ex is going through a 12-18 rehab program that will also help him get a job and a place of his own. It's ok to be alone right?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome to the forum.  I have a thought that is going to be hard for  you to see the value in, I'm afraid.  But, the best BEST thing is for you to be with NO man for a while.  The 'good' guy that annoys you so much that your heart isn't in it that you've stayed with to be with someone and out of convenience isn't a great option.  NOR is a man that has shown you many times over that he can't kick his addiction.  And if it isn't heroine, he'll get that 'high' one way or another like the thrill of chasing an old flame behind your back.  He goes to jail which is NOT rehab and comes out clean but has not done any of the hard hard work it takes to deal with an addiction.  Therefore, it is pretty doubtful that he'll say clean this time either.  And the codependent side of you says maybe this time will be different while the 'knowing' side of you realizes that is doubtful so you hesitate.  

So, my suggestion is that you don't put a band aid on these issues by picking one man (the good one that you don't feel in love with) or the other man (that you have unhealthy, codependent love with).  Rather, you stand ON YOUR OWN with no man and clear your head.  After a period of time, then move forward and perhaps casually date again but not for a while.  That is how you break patterns and set yourself on a new path that might ultimately make you happier down the road.

I know it is hard and I feel for you.  I've loved (and left) and addict as well.  I'm not happily married for many years to a healthy man.  good luck dear
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm glad he is going through rehab but if it is court appointed, that always worries me.  Needs to be the addicts own idea to stick.  My opinion still stands for the time being.  
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Avatar_f_tn
it's not court appointed. He has placed himself on a waiting list for residential rehab. My ex told me not to leave my current bf for him but for my own reasons which shows me he is more serious this time about getting the help he needs so we can get the family back together.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, I really REALLY encourage you to not pin your hopes on his recovery.  To go on with your life as a strong woman that has a hard line boundary for this person.  If he gets out of rehab and remains sober/clean for a period of time, THEN consider being together again.  I would be without the other guy for sure as he is kind of just 'there' now filling a void.  But the old boyfriend is also not ready to be in a relationship.  He has much to work on and you should let him do that before taking him back. peace and luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Also, im am actually happy to hear your thought. I agree. It is so hard, especially right before the holidays, to look at my bf and tell him "i love you but im not in love with you"  i just told him this all today. and we havent spoken since this morning. I dont wanna settle wiht the "good guy" and if i ever get back with my ex it will be years down the road after he has proven himself.  I have talked to my older kids (2 girls 11 &13) and they are ok with me letting go of the man i have now.  They dont want me back with Tony (my ex) until he can prove to them as well.  I want to tell Chad (my bf) that i think he should move out.  I have completely rearranged my home and life for him then all of the sudden his kids moved in part time.  yeha 7 of us in a 2 bed condo.  My kids hate it.  yeah i could gone with many reasons why im not happy with chad.  I just feel so bad for him and his kids.  i feel like im being a witch.  I needed a place to vent and some advice/ someone to listen.  again, i agree with not dating for a while.  I want ,my life back with  just me and my kids. i just dont know how to go about taking that step ya know.
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973741_tn?1342346373
You seem to be on the right track sweetie and you aren't being a witch.  Life is hard.  We all want to be with someone and it is hard to walk away from a willing partner even when we know it is the right thing to do.  You  will be alright dear!  One foot in front of the other will get you where you need to go and things may be more and more clear as time goes on.  For now, you realize you don't love this man and the best thing to do is let him be free.  In the end, that is best for HIM and you both.  

I do wish you much strength and peace dear
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you! :)  im sure ill be back with updates
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973741_tn?1342346373
We are here to support you dear.  Lots of luck and DO keep us updated.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I too think You should be without a man for a while.  Concentrate in YourSelf and Your Children.  Your 2 girls (11 & 13) seem to realize this:

"They are okay with me letting go of the man I have now"
and
"They don't want me to go back with Tony"

I also feel You would do well to re-think what a "soul mate" is.  

A "soul mate" is actually more than what You've described.  It truely is a "rare" form of intimacy.  SOUL is not a "thing", it's a quality, or a dimension - it has to do with depth, value, relatedness. A "soul mate" is SomeOne who we feel "profoundly" connected.   As though the communicating & communing that take place between us is not an "intentional" effort.  Love is not "simple", it doesn't just "appear" - it Grows and it Builds and it takes Time.  You "become" soul mates", You don't start out that way.
Good Luck and I'm interested to hear Your updates.
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Avatar_m_tn
Absolutely it is okay to be alone!  If you're in a relationship that is not bringing you want you need emotionally, it is perfectly understandable to want to remove yourself from it and it is honorable that you came out right and told the guy.  Good on you!

As for the relationship with the addict and what he said.... (I think I saw above that the addict said to "not leave the other guy for him" (The addict)).  There is a lot to read into there.  It sounds as if the addict has either no faith in himself of being able to fly right or that he cannot provide for you in the way he/you sees fit.  In a way, that too is honorable.  Addiction is a horrible thing.  I've written off a couple of real good friends that ended up being addicts.  I've given each of them the opportunity time and time again to get straight and fly right, and then I could let them back in my life.  Unfortunately, addiction has taken some friends from me.  On the other hand, I don't need the drama of having addicts as close friends.  (There is nothing in it for me.)

It is more than okay to be by yourself for a while.  Make sure you have all of your affairs straight and to all you can to make you the strongest mom for your kids, and also be that positive role model for your kids.  You CAN do this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with you on the love and soulemates thing. Tony and I started as friends and we grew from there.  We have been through hell together and there is just that unexplainable bond/connection we have.  I could write a dang book on the past decade lol. After the crap Tony has put myself and my family through I have tried to ignore my heart and tried to move on.  Thats why i am with Chad. I have tried for the past year to overlook the small things and "try" to love  him.  I do love him but i am not in love with him.  When i was with tony on friday for the funeral it was amazing and really just undescribable.  I also agree that i should be with neither man at the point.  i want my life back with myself and my 3 kids
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Avatar_f_tn
"There is a lot to read into there.  It sounds as if the addict has either no faith in himself of being able to fly right or that he cannot provide for you in the way he/you sees fit" I  honestly feel Tony (the addict)  feels that he cannot provide for me the ways he sees fit...yet.  We both want our family back but I cant be with him until he goes through this year or more long program and continues on his own. I cant be with chad because it's not fair to him if im not in love with him.  I was an addict and alcoholic so maybe i can relate to tony a  little to well and more hope for him than most. i have been clean for 5-8 years depending on my demon.
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Avatar_f_tn
ok heres a little update:
i talked to chad last night and told him my true feelings. he asked me what i wanted and i told him. Tonys family is my family. I want to be able to go see them whenever and take my youngest daughter to see her family. And i want to be able to see Tony whwnever.  I want to be in contact with Tony.  If Tony and I arent going to be together as boyfriend and girlfriedn that's fine but we are still best friends and i will be there to support him through his recovery. I tried to tell Chad that i just need my life back and i didnt think it was fair to him to be with me if my heart wasnt in it.  That poor boy is so in love with me that he is doing everything to keep me. In a way I get my cake and eat it too but really I just want to be alone in a sense.  But.... it could be also because he moved in with me and i pay all the bills.  thats another situation. I guess for now the holidays are saved so to speak and we will see what the new year brings.  It's sad but I hope Chad just gets sick of me and my choices and decides to leave on his own.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I keep restarting this reply and manage to get it completely mangled by about the 3rd sentence.  Let's see if I can make this one work.  I keep getting stuck around trying to congratulate you on your sobriety.  (Congratulations, by the way!)  Now that I have that out of the way, I'll try to trudge forwards.

When I look at the way you talk about Tony, I feel like you "want" to help him.  Almost like you "need" to help him for the sake of you and your daughter.  (That is almost a prescription for heart ache... you know how difficult addicts can be.)  I'm not saying that he won't complete a rehab program, but it sounds as if he doubts he can.  That is worrisome to me.  It's like he hasn't found bottom yet and he doesn't want to leave you in the wake of his addiction, waiting for him to get better.  

Until he finds bottom, he'll continue using and abusing.  I know the struggle and I too wanted to quit but kept using until I hit bottom.  Then the decision came easy.  Working on it was not easy, but the decision to quit was pretty much made for me by the situation I went through at the bottom.

I think its important to remember that you won't be able to "save" Tony.  This is something that he will have to do himself, but you can be supportive regardless of the type of relationship you have with him.  

(This still isn't going right...)  A guy who used to be my best friend growing up is in the middle of his second attempt of recovery.  His addiction got to a level where he was a different person.  He knew of my addiction.  We didn't use together and I think that was because of the dynamics of our relationship.  Neither approved of what the other was doing.  I found sobriety and he found prison.  What he did to land himself in prison went against all of the grain and fiber this guy was made of... I distanced myself.

After prison, he entered a rehab program.  He called me to tell me about it and told me that he missed our friendship.  (At this point, I am married with children.)  I told him I did too, but could not have someone, anyone, with his problems around my family/kids.  He understood and used that as his driving force behind his first attempt.  

3 years go by and I am back in my home town.  Since prison, this guy was living with his mother, across the street from my childhood home where my mother still resides.  I am outside playing with my kids and I see this friend... he sees me too and ducks his head, as if to hide.  I knew right then that he was using again.  I spoke to him about 3 days later, and knew that he was using.  He'd been in a fight at a club (which was a probation violation) and was hanging out with a mangy looking girl.

He got popped with another violation and had to do 1 more year in the can.  After he got out, his mother found a great place for him to go rehab at.  He was there for 12 months.  He had no choice... it was this and make it work or more prison.  We began to talk more.  I could feel the distance though.  The addiction changed this guy.  He's claimed his sobriety for a better than a year now.

He's not the same guy.  Im not positive, but I think he's using.  He talks like a user and acts like a user but still claims sobriety.  When he was sober, there was hope in his voice... you could hear it.  Now, vacant.  His voice is hallow.

What I am getting to is, you never know how this will play out with Tony.  I think you've done the right thing with Chad.  He needs to know where you stand, but so does Tony.  For the sake of your health and the health of your child, Tony needs to be abundantly clear on the fact that his addiction is not going to affect your life and that you are willing to distance yourself, if necessary.  He also needs to know that you can be supportive if he is actively participating in his recovery.  As soon as he relapses and blames you for his use.... its time to cut ties.

I wish you well.

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Avatar_f_tn
I guess i do want to help him but at them same time, i dont want to anymore. I tried and it did no good. He needs to do this himself. I dont feel like i need to help him for the sake of our daughter. I guess i had put up with so much for so long that i did finally have enough. I was heart broken and angry and moved on but i htink i moved to fast. I should have taken time for myself and not worried about dating or being with someone just cuz tony was with someone. I completely understand what you are saying with your friend and ducking out of your view.  From last october til April ish of 2012 tony was always the man i fell in love with. he was there for me and the kids even with chad in my life. Then it was like he disappeared.  Yup been there done that i knew he was using again so i cut him off.  no matter how much he would say he hated being around junkies and hated being homeless ( the girl he was with kicked him out as well) and how much his daughter meant to him, he was in too deep.  As i read your response i sit here and think yup tony did that, was with some crack *****, hangin with the wrong people then he put himself in a situation that got him locked up. he had a warrant and it was jsut too hard for him to turn himself in so he got busted doing something else. I personally feel he has finally had it with the drugs and that life but i feel he is afraaid of disppointing me.  not by using but by not meeting his career goals.  He told me he is afraid of failing. Of course my first thought is drugs. so i asked him waht failing meant to him. he said he will never go back to that lifestyle of drug use tec. his fear is if he fails at his long term career goals and ends up working at mcdonalds will i still be there for him.  I told him hell yeah i would. its the drugs i wont put up with. I think my biggest fear right now is having my home all shhok up with the kids right around the holidays.  im afraid it will be to tense to have chad stay but im afraid of well, how the kids will react and the gifts n family stuff.  sorry im at work and went to lunch right in the middle of this so im sure it doesnt make sense :)
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480448_tn?1397235344
I should have taken time for myself and not worried about dating or being with someone just cuz tony was with someone

This sentence says it all to me.  This also reinforces what I was going to say.  I agree with the others...you need NO man in your life for a while...concentrate on your kids...make them number one and your priority.  Be OKAY with being alone...then, you'll be in a much better position to muddle through who you want to be with.

Personally, I don't think either man is an option, I just don't.  This new guy might have been good for you, but I have a suspicion with Tony somewhere in your head, you never gave him a fair shake.

Don't string him along.  You're saying you hope he gets tired of you and ends it.  That's just you saying you want out but don't have the courage to hold your ground when you tell him it's over.  That's not fair to anyone involved, hon.

Very best to you....enjoy yourself and your kids.  Being with a man doesn't define who you are.
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Avatar_f_tn
You are absolutely right. I don't have the courage to end it with chad. I'm an *** for not keeping my mouth shut until after Christmas. At least thats how I feel. We are lying in bed and can just feel the tension. His daughter is in the other room with my kids wrapping presents. That's hard. Seeing the kids and all excited for xmas. I still feel like a stupid school girl waiting for tonys call and when he didn't call my heart sank. It's  hard but everyone is right and I realize I need to not be with either guy. It's  hard to take that step and let go of a good thing I've got going on with chad. It's  hard to continue to not go with my heart and hope for tony to stay clean and sober. I could lose both guys and that scares me. I mean tony will always be around cuz we have a kid together. Ugh yay life. I guess I'm just scared. Tomorrow is never promised
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1268057_tn?1379102055
I really feel for "Chad," however, there is NO use living a lie.  Sounds like he was better for you.  Too bad you can't get past this "Tony."  He just doesn't sound like anything good for you.  

Definitely.....NO man should be in your life at this point.  You do sound very codependent in regards to "Tony."  You might want to seek some professional counseling to help you sort out this situation.  I am not sure why you think you shouldn't have better for yourself and your children.  This REEKS of codependency.  

Eight years is a long time to be going through these changes with any man, and frankly if he doesn't have his life together by now I don't really think he ever will.  It's unfortunate he has a "fear" of failure, etc. that's keeping him from doing what he is supposed to do, HOWEVER, he has this past that is going to pretty much dictate his "career goals" and to be honest McDonalds might be the best he is going to do.  I am sorry, but how will he be really contributing to your life working at McDonald's?  Plus, he has proved TIME AND TIME again that he is ISN'T realiable or dependable, but then you are there with "open arms" to take him back.

You are correct about "Tomorrow is never promised," so why waste it on someone who continues to disappoint and can't get it together?  I mean, you are sitting around waiting for Tony to do "this and that."  What kind of life is that for you and your children?  

I am not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to REALLY see the situation for what it is and move above this. "Tony"  is NO good for you or your children.  

  
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Avatar_f_tn
If chad left today and said he was done, I would not be back with Tony. I just don't feel its fair to chad ifim not in love with him. It's a waste of his time.
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Avatar_f_tn
I've seen the word codependency. I thought I knew what it meant but if it is.sounding like I am codependent with Tony then I guess I don't know what it means. I don't need to be with him. We haven't been together for about a year and even split up prior to that. Tony and I met 9 years ago. We were clean then we fell onto a black whole of drug use. We got clean together and pulled our lives together with each other. Everything was perfect for years until my dad passed away. My dad was.on a lot of pain pills. I started being a pill popper and took tony with me. I pulled my head out. Couple years go by and Tonys brother died. I went back to drinking and tony ended up using heroin. I pulled my head out. He went to jail. While he was in jail I told him I was sick of his Crap and we were done. I made some mistakes of my own. Sometime later we were committed to each other again. Yes while he was still locked up. He was never able to forgive me for what I did til last year. The rest of this was first mentioned in a nut shell previously. I just wanna rip my heart out so I can think. I can read my own words and see that tony and I have demons and we shouldn't be together. I read how it's not fair to chad. It's just so hard to take that step. I've seen a therapist. She has basically agreed with me.  I'm doing the right thing by chad. I need to give tony time. Ugh
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there, codependent doesn't really mean that you 'need' to be with someone but that you function in an unhealthy relationship trying to make it normal by any means possible.  

Most would, in all honesty, move on and never look back at someone that had a long term addiction issue, been to jail, stolen from them or family, etc.  Addiction is a deal breaker for me.  Someone would get clean and stay clean or I'd be gone because I understand that it is impossible for someone caught up in addiction to ever put me or family first.  The addiction comes first.  

As  I said, I've walked and never looked back when in a relationship with someone dealing with addiction.  I know what it is like.  For me, that was no way to live.  

Lots of luck sweetie,  it is really hard.  Time will tell with the ex if he will remain sober.  I wouldn't contemplate being with him until he's out of rehab and sober for a year after that.  And yes, I think it is fair to release the guy you are not in love with.  Peace
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