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love him....but not in love????
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love him....but not in love????

How do you really know if a marriage is over? My husband and I have been married for 5 years, 2 kids, we just celebrated our 5 year last week. On our anniversary he came home late from work, 7pm, said that he was working late,and said sorry all night. We went for dinner, then came home, he had a friend stop by b/c he had purchased something from e-bay for him....long story short...he came home late on our anniversary, then left at 11pm...and didn't get home till 3am. (he said that he was with his friend at my husbands shop) I think that he is cheating on me. I love him, but I really don't think that I am IN LOVE...does that make any sense? Pleae help!!
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13167_tn?1327197724
No one is "in love" all their lives,  that's a ridiculous disney fantasy.

"In love" lasts about 4 years, and when that fades,  hopefully you have a good relationship with a good partner who you respect and care very deeply for.  Don't expect to blush everytime this guy walks into the room for the rest of your life.  That just doesn't work that way.

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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with Rock Rose - it is an unrealistic expectation that you should feel "in love" at all times in your marriage.  Love is a choice, and sometimes you need to make that choice to love your husband despite his faults.  

I think you are justified in being upset about his behavior on your anniversary, but I think you need to tell him this and not us.

Good luck.
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536882_tn?1225516459
I was married for 16 years and of that really only happy the first 5.  I kept telling myself there are ups and downs in a marriage and this is just one of those downs.  Well, we both wasted a lot of our lives in denial.  I love him as a person still to this day, but I am not and was not in love with him for most of that time.  Have you asked him what he feels?  Ask him straight up if he is having an affair.  If you need to...What about you?  even if he isn't seeing someone else it sounds like it may be over?  Is it something you want to make work?  Because you will have to put much effort into getting what you once shared.  Once I finally ended my marriage, I was finally able to move on with my life.  Before that I felt I was a hampster on a wheel just running my heart out and never getting anywhere.  Today, I am much more confident. Have dated here and there but I am no longer angry at myself for staying in a situation that wasn't healthy for either one of us.
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Avatar_m_tn
Oddly enough most divorces (80%) are filed for by women and they are usually filed around the five year mark, 10 year mark and 15 year mark.  Also whenever women gain a higher paying job.

Consider for just a moment the possibility that you are just currently bored?  You are getting older, and maybe all of the things that you promised yourself when you were twelve haven't become true.

If you have kids try to rebuild things and make sure he has actually been having an affair.  If he worked late his pay stub will likely show it if he is on salary correct? Check at the bank first.  Sometimes you really do have to work late when you don't want to though and maybe some of your "not love" attitude has seeped through to your husband.

Just out of curiosity, do you have a profession outside the home that you are involved in?  You are not currently feeling attracted to someone else perhaps?

One of the biggest dangers in a relationship is the human tendency to project.
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband owns his own company, (construstion). Bored...Umm, ya maybe a little. He works late hours everyday. I work full-time, and have2 kids, under 3 . So I am very busy. I asked him if he was having an affair, he was really angry, and surprised, and said "are you kidding me?"...I don't know. maybe i am bored..like you said.
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Avatar_m_tn
Oddly enough my ex mother in law accused me of having an affair during the one time of my life when I was going to school, watching my daughters, doing reserves, commission sales and a part time job.  

LOL why is it when guys are so worn out that they can barely stand up let alone stand at attention we are thought to be having affairs?

Seriously, while it is possible that he could be having an affair, it is more likely that he just needs to take up fishing or a hobby that he can relax with and gradually get the kids involved in.

But in the mean time gradually try to find things to do together that will wear the kida out.
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Avatar_f_tn
If you love him, keep trying, the children really need a father, and it sounds like you maybe getting a little tired  and bored because he is working late, and is forgeful, of birthdays aniversarys and things, but he does sound like he is trying hard for his family and all of the above have given good advice so just have a little talk with him, and maybe go out dining, and dancing put a little more romance in the marriage because i i really think you care a lot, and please do look before you leap  luck to the family  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
Glad you asked him about a possible affair.

I myself think that you both need some quality time together. Talking, sharing and just chillin together.

We all need reassurance in our relationships with our spouses especially.

I am sorry but to me his response of "are you kidding me" would not go far with me. Proof of his love for you goes a long way. Marriages do get kinda stuck around 5 years, 10 and always changes with what ever is going on for the moment, even the emotions.

A nice day away for the 2 of you would be great...try not to throw blame, just keep things as to "I feel" this way..

Good luck,
SNooze
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100019_tn?1335923317
My husband is reading a book by Gary Smalley "If He Only Knew" which is wonderful to think he wants to continue adding to our already great marriage.  In the book Mr. Smalley makes the point that if a marriage falls apart at five years or after it's usually the man's fault.

I thought that was interesting.  I also agree with him.  If only men knew they needed to put as much time and effort into their marriage as they do their jobs and careers.
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Avatar_n_tn
Sounds very familiar to me! Please don't jump to thinking he is cheating! I sometimes leave after my husband and son go to bed and go up to school and work in my classroom until 2am. I already know I am suffering from situational depression from family issues with my sister. Please go to Lifeway Christian store and buy the DVD series not the book DVD are much better to see the Roseburgs counsel you and your husband togther. Hearing Gary talks helps my husband, you know the guys perspective! And the dsame for me hearing Barbara. The series is called "The Five Sex Needs" by the Roseburgs! Have your husband what an episode each night with you! Do this together! I promise it will help you see the LIGHT! Let me know updates!
~ I have the DVD's I can send them to you and you can return them when you are finished. I promise they are that GOOD and I KNOW FIRST HAND that they WILL HELP!
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Avatar_n_tn
My last post about the DVD's is for you as well and ANYONE ELSE For that matter!
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Avatar_m_tn
The problem with making someone prove something in a relationship is that when do you quit having to prove stuff?
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Avatar_m_tn
It is convenient to blame relationships failing on men but grossly inaccurate.  Statistics show that men are willing to compromise more of what they believe for their partner even after the relationship has ended.  Plus the sad and simple truth is intimate relationships straight or gay are more likely to result in a woman suffering from some form of psychosis.

Truly though the problem is communication and perspective.

Men usually look at a glass of water and drink it, women look at it and ask themselves what would be bood with the water.

Men marry the (idealized) woman that, is to them perfect.  Women marry the man that has the traights they can live with until they are fixed.

Neither side is entirely right or wrong so long as they compromise along lifes way.
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100019_tn?1335923317
I am not conviently blaming the relationship ending on men all by myself.  I was merely quoting a book by a marriage counseler who has much more world experience in the matter than I do.

Go tell him he's wrong.
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152852_tn?1205717026
I agree with RR--Disney fantasy.  My mother once said, "If that crazy love didn't fade, no one would go to work because they'd be rolling around in bed all day together!"  LOL!

Is there any chance he's viewing you as needy and insecure?  I can tell you that those have got to be the most unattractive traits in both men and women.

Check out the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
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