marriage problems based on stepchild

[neen8699]

My stepson has some serious issues.  Conduct disorder and crack baby.  No social skills,  highly intelligent,  agressive, harmful to others and animals, defiant, no remorse, and the list goes on the older he gets.  For four years i have been trying to get this child help.  Finally we have an iep. He has been to 3 schools and now only goes 2 hours a day because of his behavior and refusal to do class work and activities.  My husband makes everything go 10 steps back.  His excuses:  well i bought him two more video games to play for 10 hours a day because he has no friends to play with.  I take away video games and tv and my husband says i am nuts and i pick on him.  He is by the way 7.  My daughter is 4 and screams and cries all day because of the way he treats and talks to her.  My husband is constantly annoyed by our daughter.  When she goes anywhere else with other children the other parents want to keep her a few more nights because of how wonderful she is.  Her preschool teachers told me that they were actually going to ask me to pick a different preschool because they thought that she would be just likke him coming from the same household.  i found out i was prego in october and was seriously thinking about an abortion because of my stepson.  People used to drop their kids off with me when their kids were out of control.  Now no one comes over anymore because they forbid their children to be around stepson.  When i go to talk about our issues with him and how to resolve them i get yeah yeah i will just tie him up and lock him  in the closet because that is what everyone wants me to do.  Lets just make everyone else happy.  My husbands daughter is 23 and offered to watch the kids while i was at school and went to work.  She had our daughter for 3 hours went to pick her brother up from school at 230 i was at work at 3 and a half an hour later my stepdaughter went to the hospital for a nervous breakdown.  She later told other relatives that she never wanted to be around that child ever again.  My mother says you need to leave him.  He is the father of my children and he is good with them but not with my stepson.  Help!!!!

[Londres70]

With all this going on, YOU and YOUR HUSBAND should be in therapy.  You state the child gets therapy, but where is the therapy for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND? I am talking about therapy in regards to dealing with your OWN issues between each other.  

As mami1323 has stated, NO ONE is judging you BASED on your past.  I simply asked if you were STILL struggling with mental health and/or substance abuse issues.  You have posted in another forum that you had struggled with issues in the past.  

It just doesn't make any sense that you are bringing another child into this "situation" and it is obvious you and your husband are not in a good position to deal with another child.  

As Specialmom has stated, CPS SHOULD be CALLED if there is abuse going on.

There is NOTHING wrong with having "issues" as NO ONE is PERFECT, however, if you really believe a "recovering" alcoholic can have 1-2 beers and it's ok, then I think you are missing the point.  Addictions must be constantly managed and you must STAY conscious of them.  

    

BTW:  It is difficult to read through your posts with all the sarcasm.  

[mami1323]

No one is judging you on the past mistakes, nor are they saying you are a bad person for loving your step child.  We are asking questions in order to make sense of the situation.  The reason why I asked about your husband and his past drug use is because of the behavior you listed above.  I didn't just pull it out of nowhere.  Something you said made me question his ability as a father and the way he is acting towards his son.  Maybe it is overwhelming to him and given that he has an issue with substance problems in his past, it is easier to just give in or do things that are simple to push the problem away, then to take them head on.

I am a step parent as well and I love my stepkids as well so why would I turn that around and think it's a problem?  I don't, I actually commend you on that undertaking.  Especially in this circumstance when it seems that you are the only adult who is making strides to better this child's life.  I agree with Londres in that you should definitely seek therapy for both you and your husband.  You both HAVE to be on the same page here.  If you are fighting about the same things over and over again without compromise then you will have to do what's in the best interest of your family.  And if you feel the boy is going to do best with you, then I would have a talk with both your husband and the boys mother and see if there is a way that this can work out.

[specialmom]

And if this child is being physically abused, please call cps.  

[specialmom]

For the sake of the child you carry, I think you should leave your husband and these issues behind and set up a stable household.  I keep asking if this man would allow you to take his son and live elsewhere.  Have you asked him?

[specialmom]

I can only say that you decided to have another child here???  that is still bad decision making with or without alcohol give the circumstances of the details you present here.

[neen8699]

insight on past history.  

My husband had two children in a previous marriage.  he had serious heavy drug and alcohol addictions.  He stopped using in 2008.  15 years before 2008 he gave both his daughters up to exwife because instead of paying child support he was smoking crack.  Now he is fighting over custody because number one "I do not want to pay child support" and two "He is the only child that will carry out my name"  i put these in Quotes because I do not want you to think that i am a woman that is a serious head case that makes things up as she goes along.

Mother serious alcoholicand drug abuser also.  I would like to give her the benefit of doubt and believe that she is clean and she finally wants to make a differents in the childs life.  What I mean by finally is as a mother I do not disappear for weeks at a time and call once a month. After the jail situation this summer i am having a hard time trusting her to make the right desicion.

I BELIEVE STRONGLY THAT ALCOHOL AND DRUG ABUSE OR ADDICTION CAUSES PEOPLE TO MAKE IRRATIONAL DESICIONS.

I believe that people can change for the good after they get out of these situations.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe you are all right and it is me that has the issues.

I was in a relationship before witha man that had 5 children.  My biggest weakness was that i was in love with those 5 children so i stayed.  Stayed nowing that i was getting cheated on because hell you can't give yourself stds.  I must be a stepmom that has issues with stepchildren.

Just because parents are fighting over custody does not mean they love their child.  Because parents that mentally and physically abuse their child i don't know to mean does not mean they love them.  And by feeling bad about the abuse they buy the child things.  Now you are going to say why are you not doing something about it.  Lets see i am fighting about it all the time, we have the authorities involved all the time, the school even knows what is going on.

It really makes me sick when people listen to my past experiences and turn it into i have an alcohol problem while i am 5 months pregnant years after the problem.  I was always told that we learn from our past experience.  And this does not mean that i do not like to have a beer at an outing everyonce in a while but i would be one major low life to have one while pregnant.

[mami1323]

I'm also confused.  You said in one post that you don't want to leave your husband because he is a great father and yet then you go on to say that he verbally abuses his son.  A great father wouldn't do that.  A great father also wouldn't sit back and not work his child through his development issues.  A child who was born from someone who was doing drugs is most likely going to suffer from behavioral issues.  Does your husband do drugs as well or was it just the child's mother?  

[specialmom]

With all that is going on, is it true you are expecting another baby?

[neen8699]

in regards to the mental health or alcohol issue that was in the early 20's.  which was 10 years ago  which 7 years before having children.  lets explain again.  i believed my issues were all because of the alcohol abuse.

[RockRose]

I gotta say,  I totally agree with Londres in this last post.  I posted to you on the Child Behavior forum that it sounds like your son may have RAD,  and I still think he probably does,  but there are serious dynamic problems in the relationships in your family.

Really,  your adult  stepdaughter needed emergency psychiatric care because she was around him for 3 hours?  I'm sorry,  that's just not believable to me.

You continue to post that your daughter is a so very well behaved,  and then list all the people who can't stand your son.  But yet,  you say both mom and dad are fighting for full time custody - some people obviously enjoy being around him.

I don't understand the school situation,  either.  I don't understand what program he is in that he is only in school for 2 hours because apparently they can't stand him but he has at least normal intellect.

You're all over the map here in this thread.  I understand you're extremely frustrated but it's not helpful to post this way without clear specifics of what his behaviors are - you basically only list people who hate him.

I suspect there is a dynamic in your house that it's the daughter (yours and your husbands) vs. your husband's son,  and you have each taken sides about who is the problem.

A girl who screamed all day long would about send me through the roof.  I don't think his behavior while playing videogames all day is enough to make her scream the whole time.

I'm sorry to come off harsh,  I'm not feeling as harshly as this all sounds.  I just think you're all over the place here,  even once saying he's not the problem you've got that under control,  it's your husband who's the problem.

I really think you need to reread what you've written,  and reevaluate what's going on that's making you so frustrated.

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

Not to be rude.....

I read some of your other posts which have made me more confused about what is exactly going on in your situation.

Are you dealing with a mental health and/or a substance abuse issue yourself?  

Plus, you are pregnant with another one when you are having issues with your husband over parenting issues in regards to his son?  The son sounds like he is more than plenty to deal with not to mention a 4 year daughter to attend to as well.  

This makes absolutely NO sense.  Sounds like there are "pieces and parts" missing from the story.  

[Londres70]

It is VERY, VERY difficult to get custody rights taken away from the biological parents; not an easy task unless they signed them over to you.  

Obviously, his parenting skills are less than desired.  He really doesn't sound like he wants to address his own issues let alone the issues with his son.    

[specialmom]

I guess I'm wondering if what you say is true----  that managing this child is not his father's priority, if he is verbally abusive and actually can not stand his own child if he wouldn't feel relieved to allow you to care for him.  

I'm trying to figure out what was attractive about this man to you in the first place.  I'd have run for the hills before I ever was attached to any of his kids as he does not sound like a desirable partner.

[neen8699]

That idea sounds so wonderful but his mother and his father have been fighting for full custody for 2 years.  Even if i gave him the boot i would have to fight with her.

I have tried to get her to sign off so i could adapt him and get more rights.  you know thati can not even take him to the doctors with out a consent form.

We were court ordered to let her have visitation for 30 days in summer.  She lasted 20 days with him and went to jail for 5 days her neighbor had our son for those 5 days

[specialmom]

Can you check with a lawyer about the possibility of retaining custody of this boy while extricating yourself from the situation?

[neen8699]

I go to therapy he does not need it.  He also does not need anger management  when mentally abusing him.  I am sorry for the sarcasm in all this i am sure it seems confusing.  The computer is the only way i can express how mad i am without letting the kids know how mad i am and maybe even a little emotionally nutz right now.  My therapist would say these are perfectly normal feelings for someone in you situation.  grrrrr

[specialmom]

Well, if he hates his son, perhaps you could give him the boot and ask for custody.

[neen8699]

I thought it was ODD too.  been to 4 psychs.  I am the one that is discipining while my husband undiscilines him.  I am the one home schooling him for the other half of the day because he only goes 2 hours to school.  It took me two years to get an iep.  It is almost as if my husband can not stand his son.  I have other step children and they are as pissed off as me.  If i give the husband the boot then everything that i have worked for with my son will be destroyed

[Londres70]

Well, the title to your post makes it seem as though the child is the ISSUE not your husband's parenting skills.  

That's why I asked are you all going to therapy as well.  Are you and/or your husband seeking therapy as well?

Parents dealing with these issues are usually encouraged to go to therapy as well for coping strategies in order to deal with the child.  

I understand your point about the parenting.  It is obvious your parenting patterns are not meshing.  Once again, I would ENCOURAGE you both to go seek counselling for yourselves.    

No one can make you husband follow through on what he should or should not be doing in regards to his son.  

I don't think your situation will get any better if you all aren't seeking professional help for yourselves.  

[hmcombs0206]

First of all, never let a child get in the way of your marriage. I too have a step-daughter which gets by with everything and my husband will not discipline. My kids tell me that it is no fair so I half to take matters into my own hands. I half to be the one to discipline or else it does not get done. You have rights to do this with this child. You are the step parent but you are the mom to the child too. You need to step in and discipline if he won't but it will be hard at first due to you are the step. Trust me I have had everything thrown back in my face with my daughter. But, now, she respects me and listens to me. We have been together for 6 years now and the kids all get along due to he has his daughter, I have 2 boys, and we have 1 together so it was hard for both of us due to the kids almost tore us apart several times. Listen to your heart. If you love him, stay and work with it. It is hard at first but it will get better. Show the child that you will not let them do this in your house. Kids play games to see what they can get by with. This boy knows he can get by with it so he is doing it for that but if you show him otherwise, then you can break him. He is still young enough to break. You might also want to take him to a psychologist due to he might have some issues that you both do not know about. He sounds like he has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

[neen8699]

There is therapy.  Diagnosis is conduct disorder.  There are no meds for this it is mostly a parental issue.  If i was looking for a quick fix the the child it would not have taken me 4 years to get to this point.  You are kind of missing the point.  It is not my son that is the real issue.  Yes he has problems yes we have established solutions on how to deal and change things around for his behavior.  

MY problem is my husband does not follow through.  It does not help my son start to change around when he is allow to play video games for 10 hours just so my husband does not have to deal with him.  He does not help his situation by buying him things.  he does not help when he changes the whole construction of consistancy.

The mother moved to Texas 2 years ago to get married to a man she knew for 2 months and to supposively get clean.

my stepson was a crack baby and this is what happens to a poor child when you have a user during pregnacy

[Londres70]

BTW:  You just can't expect his school to work with him; he needs resources outside of school too.  

Where's the mother now?

What EXACTLY is the diagnosis or diagnoses in regards of the child?

[Londres70]

I read NOTHING about THERAPY in your post.  Have you tried therapy?

Is the child getting therapy and/or precribed medications?  

In my opinion, there will be NO quick fix to this.